Happy New Year!

Soon it will be 2015.  This year was not my happiest year, however great progress was towards being happier and more serene. 

Previously I had been pleasantly surprised to outlive others my age such as Michael Jackson.  This month I lost two of the best friends I ever had.  Not as pleasant.  RIP Bob and Joy.  I am a better person for having had you in my life.

Today was Martha’s last day as the Wednesday meeting secretary.  She had served for longer than we had been going to that meeting.  We got to have a grand goodbye in that it was planned and she will not be joining us due to a changing work schedule.  We got her a card, a Flowers of the Alano Club calendar, a coffee mug, and brought bagels as a homage for 100+ days/weeks of her bringing snacks to the Wednesday meeting.  It was a really nice send-off to end the year and her celebrate her service work.

With 359 posts this year, it was tempting to go for 365 for that 1.0 posts per day average.  The downside was that I would be writing for the wrong reason. It was suggested that I could post every day until March 15^th to achieve a year with a 1.0 average.  That seems like a good idea now.  The plan is to go for another 75 days in a row.

Writing about gratitude every day has a known downside of becoming too familiar.  Some posts have been mighty short lately.  What is new behavior is my doing things on a consistent basis because they are good for me.

The closest thing I have to a New Year’s resolution is to eat less sugar, fewer calories, more veggies and try to swim three times a week.

I am grateful for my successes this year and for the losses that serve as contrast for the good in my life today.  One day at a time, I am doing okay and getting older!

 Happy New Year!

RIP Joy S.

My good friend Joy died at her home in Walla Walla this morning.  From sparse details, it is my guess that it was a massive heart attack.   

It is great that I got to spend two days with her before Xmas.   She will be missed.  Joy was the most successful long-distance friendship in my life.   She moved 8 years ago and we talked by phone at least once a month for the last two years.

Joy was one of the kindest most courageous people I have known in my life.  She was loved by a large group of friends, admirers and fellow trudgers.  Vaya con Dios.

I am grateful for my friendship with Joy and for having spent two days with her earlier this month.  Special thanks to her friend Karen for making it happen and letting me know of Joy’s passing.

A Few 2014 Highlights

The US has deemed the war in Afghanistan over.  We now only have 11,000 “peacekeepers” (or whatever the current Orwellian term for army guys with guns in a foreign country is) staying there to help the Afghan police.    It was awkward for the peacekeepers whenthe Afghan police killed a US Major General.

Oil is at its lowest price in years and looks to be staying there for some time while Saudi Arabia crushes both the Russians and the frackers simultaneously in an amazing two-fer.

The Seattle Seahawks won the Superbowl in convincing fashion over the Denver Broncos giving Seattle its first championship team in decades.

The US economy continues to recovery generating millions of jobs this year.  Seattle has some of the lowest unemployment in the country.

I used once this year and have been sober for 302 days.  I have used twice in the last 26 months.  It is not perfect, but vastly preferable to how the average addict/alcoholic is doing.

I have taken action to be a happier person by deliberately practicing kindness, generosity and working doing a better job being of service to others.  While suffering more depression than usual, I also have better tools to work my way through to happier days being useful to others.

I have been more helpful to more people in a meaningful one-on-one sort of way than ever before in my life.

It was the warmest year on record in Seattle.  That made for nice weather and the biggest forest fire in Washington State history.

There is a lot of yin (shady side) to the yang (sunny side) of these highlight events—at least in the way I think about them and describe them here.  Few things in my life are all good or all bad.  Mostly they just are…things.

I wrote in this Gratitude blog every day but for when I was using.  That certainly makes my periods of relapse clear and is a very pleasant surprise to see how diligent my Gratitude blog writing has been.  It is one of the most consistent actions I have ever done in my life.  It has changed my thinking for the better.

I am grateful for the highlights of 2014.  It has been a good year.

Being Kinder

Still working on being kind.  I am a lot more kind than how I used to be.  I have an undesirable way of being taciturn when “sure, I would be glad to do that” would work a lot better.

I am grateful to act a lot more kind than how I used to be.  I always wanted to be a kind and loving person, I just did not know how.

A Christmas Birthday

My friend George’s birthday is on Christmas Day.  He was 42 years old before he had a birthday party instead of a Christmas event where he might have heard  “happy birthday” several times.  I called him on Xmas to wish him a happy birthday.  My call went to vmail, but we did talk today.

George had been a really good friend to me and I am grateful for my relationship with him.  Happy birthday George.  We will get-together later this week.

Babysitting Jayse

Danica spent the night last night and had to go to Seattle for an appointment this morning.  Jayse come along to our morning meeting with us while Lea was babysitting him.  He was quiet at the meeting between eating sweet potatoes and napping.  We stayed for an extra meeting and it all went really well.  It was his first time back at the meeting since before he was born.  It went well.

The meeting secretary was not there.  I was already going to chair the meeting with the topic de jour.  We had a great meeting on the day after Xmas.   None of us had a perfect Xmas.  All of us had a better Xmas than we would have had if still using and a much better one than the usual Xmas.

I am grateful that we are able to be of service to others today.

A Good Christmas

Lea woke me up a few minutes early this Xmas morning to check out my Xmas stocking stuffers before we did our morning readings and meditation.  Got a Seahawks hat, a charm shaped like football helmet for the review mirror in my car and some chocolates.

Made myself a breakfast sandwich of two eggs with Canadian bacon on an English muffin and then it was time for our morning meeting.  After that, it was an extra Xmas meeting during the “Alcathon” which are back-to-back meetings before, during and after a holiday.

We came home to a light lunch and then opened presents.   Finished watching the Scrooge which is the 1951 movie of A Christmas Carol.   Not much for B&W movies, but it was good to check out a classic for something different.

After a nap, it was time for our Xmas dinner with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, bean casserole, flakey biscuits, and fruit salad.  Michelle did a great job of making dinner and setting the table.

We chatted, cleaned up, read for awhile and then Danica came over with Jayse at 9 PM.   We opened some more presents, took pictures and laughed.

Michelle said it was the best Xmas ever.  It was her first sober Xmas in 9 years.  Lea had a good day.  It was the first time in my life having a real Xmas with presents and dinner at “my” house.  Kinda scary but went really really well.

I am grateful for a sober Xmas at home with a turkey dinner, nice presents and no insanity that went really well.  Thank you god.

The Tyranny Of Expectations

Emotionally it has been a rough couple weeks for me.  A major source of my pain is due to bizarre expectations of a life that never was and never will be.  I am somehow feeling a sense of loss and disappointment from not having an idealized Norman Rockwell Christmas gathering with family and friends. 

Two of my three siblings died when I was a teenager.  That was 40 years ago.  We never had a big family gathering with nieces and nephews and such going on.  I would not like if we did since it would be way too much noise and drama for me.

My biggest problem is not living in the present moment.  Right now, I have two loving cats, a beautiful Xmas tree with lots of presents under it and a Xmas turkey in the fridge.  I am sober with money in the bank and have paid off most of my bills from the wreckage of my relapse from two years ago.   My life is okay and yet I feel like I need to escape.  What I need to do is live the life I have and stop pining for a life that never was—even if I had that life, it would not make me happy.

I will continue to take further action to live a happier life with more socializing and physical activities.

I am grateful to know that this too shall pass, that I don’t have to use drugs to change how I feel today and for the hope of a better tomorrow with a lot less baggage from insane expectations.

Longer Days

The shortest light-day of the year was 8:25:33 on the solstice, 12/21.  Christmas will be 40 seconds longer than that.  By the end of the on 12/31, daylight will be well over 4 minutes longer at 8:29:48!

The earth’s elleptical orbit around the sun works out so that we are closer to the sun during the winters and further away during the summers in the Northern Hemisphere.  That makes for both milder winters and summers.

This year has been the warmest year on record in Seattle with an average temperature of just over 55° F.

I am grateful for relatively mild warmer weather with longer days.

Holiday Spirit

It is after midnight on the 22^nd.  Xmas Eve is now the day after tomorrow.  The nice tree that I had for a dozen years is up and looking good in the corner.  Lea, Michelle and I had a delicious brunch with Sandy at The Original Pancake House in Kirkland today.  Sandy had gifts for all of us.  I want to get her an “experience” for Xmas this year such as a trip to Portland or Leavenworth.  With a passport, it would be a trip to Victoria or Vancouver.

Mike M brought a big box of See’s candy by our morning meeting today.  It was a gift from a friend.  He did not want to have lying open at his home for obvious reasons.  We will meet at the mall tomorrow to continue our discussions on the AA book Spiritual Awakenings and general socializing.

If Michelle makes it three more days, it will be her first sober Xmas in 11 years.  It will be the second year in a row for me and Lea.  That is a long term relationship for me.   Greg is closing in on 14 months for the first time in a decade or so.  Good friends who know me have been a vital part of making it to where I am at today physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Me, Lea, Michelle, Danica and baby Jayse plan to have a simply Xmas dinner together in the late afternoon of Xmas Day. Danica will spend Xmas Eve and morning with her mother in Tacoma.  It will be nice.

I am grateful for the life I have today.  It is better than the realistic alternatives that I have with my own best thinking.  God bless us all.

Seahawks Win Big Over AZ Cardinals

The Seahawks won big over the Arizona Cardinals tonight in a 35-6 shellacking that was not that close.  It is rare and wonderful to have winning sports team in Seattle.  They went from a barely winning 6-4 to a dominating 11-4 record by winning the last five games with great defense and a franchise record 598 yard offensive deluge tonight.

I am grateful to have a local sports team that is winning in impressive fashion on national TV.

A Heavy Winter Coat

My friend Joy moved to Walla Walla 6-ish years ago.  She got hit by a drunk driver 12 years ago causing a BK amputation of her left left, profound head injuries and breaking bones in her face.  She was one day away from having 10 years sobriety at the time.  With all that trauma, she relapsed for two years and made it back.  She now has ten+ years of sobriety that is financially challenged while living on SSI.

The winters are mighty cold (and the summers are hot) relative to Western Washington. I got her a nice coat from REI serveral years ago. It worked great. Age and mobility limitations have conspired to make that coat too small. Nothing at Bellevue Square fit her needs. I bought her a coat on Amazon that came on Thursday. We meet for lunch at Factoria today. The new coat was much much smaller than the listed size. My backup plan was to give her my heavy winter coat that I wear about three times a year. It is a little long in the sleeves, but otherwise a reasonably good fit. It is a nice warm heavy long coat that should work well for her. She was grateful and relieved to get such a nice warm coat that was a good fit. My plan is to not spend much time outside on those three really cold days this winter (like I did anyways).

I am a much kinder person this year than I was ever able to be before in my life.  I always wanted to be kind  I truly did not know how to manifest kind behavior in my life.  Part of being kind is letting go of how I “should be” and showing up how I want to be.  It is a work in progress with fits and starts.  I still badly confuse sarcasm for wit—albeit a lot less than how it used to be.

I am grateful have the resources to be able to help others that are less fortunate or just need help like giving Greg a ride home from the airport tonight.  It feels much better to be kind than standoffishly cruel and unhelpful like how I used to be.

Soon To Be Christmas

It is five days to Christmas Eve.  Lea opened one present last night that was still in the Amazon box.  It was a large umbrella.  Actually, the umbrella was a huge ‘golf’ umbrella.  The weather forecast is for several inches of rain in the next week.  I am not much for wrapping presents.  It all started when she gave me two presents, books by the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh (a Vietnamese Budhist monk) that she did not feel like wrapping.  It was fun.

Went to my GP again today, had her laughing over the holiday blues by saying “for the baby Jesus” after every sentence.  It was funny.  After several tests of not having enough anticoagulant in my blood, today I had too much.  On the average, it is just about perfect.  According to her, averages are not good enough.

I am grateful for the joy of the Xmas season.  It is especially good following the winter solstice on 12/21.  I look forward to the days getting longer. 

Sick Day

Had an infection with a slight fever today resulting in a rare headache this afternoon.  I am fortunate to be able to take the day off when feeling sick.  Two antibiotics and spending most of my day in bed has left me feeling much better.  I missed out on swimming with Eric and running a few other errands.

I am grateful to have the free time to take the day off when feeling poorly and for the miraculous healing power of rest and antibiotics.

Kindness

I am working diligently at being kinder to all.  A primary goal in my life is to be kind and loving.  That mandates overcoming my standoffish veneer that I have spent a lifetime polishing like it was a treasure to be guarded at all costs.  In reality, it precluded good relationships on a large scale.

Today I was kind to a stranger by letting a lady, who was likely stressed by holiday shopping, that had just stuffed her SUV with Xmas gifts that she had an electric cord hanging out the tailgate of her sleigh.  She blew me a kiss across the parking lot. 

Sometimes just keeping my mouth shut is the best kindness I can do at the time.  I wanted to commend another lady with an SUV for having gotten 2 of her 4 wheels inside the parking stripes after she parked so close to a compact car they could barely get in the door. SUV drivers with cars that are too big for them to maneuver are a pet peeve of mine.  WTF?  Get smaller car.    Saying nothing was good. 

It may have taken me 55 years to realize how important it is to be kind to others as a way of building relationships, but I am grateful for the progress I have made.

A Joy-ful Reunion

My good friend Joy moved to Walla Walla 5 years ago.   She flew over to visit this week.   We went to a meeting and lunch yesterday at Bellevue Square.   It was a nice visit.  She is doing really well.

It is new behavior for me to continue a relationship on such a high level as I have done with Joy since she moved across the state.  It is something I always wanted to be able to do.  Now I have more tools and desire to keep relationships alive.

I am grateful for the love and support I get from friends like Joy.

Is For Those That Want It…

Been working up to a rant about the following for years so here you go.  Certain members at meetings will say “AA is for those that want it, not those that need it.”  For me, that is complete BS.  I have yet to see an alcoholic get and stay sober by “wanting it”.  AA is a program of action for those that do it.

I am grateful to be able to take what I like and leave the rest, or rant about it now and then.

The Heat Is On

Normally the heat is on in my apartment from November until April.  Last week with the record high temperatures for Seattle, I had the heat off for a week.  It is back on now with the nights down to the low to mid 30s this week.

Went to the Northlake Unitarian Church service this morning for their Christmas service and Xmas craft fair.   It was like going to “Church, the musical” with much singing and carolling by a large combined choir.  Bought a few crafts and had a nice time at the service with Danica.

I am grateful for the unseasonably warm weather last week, a gorgeous sunny day today and for having a nice heated apartment in a great location to call home.

One Day At A Time

Had a rough day inside my head today.  Rode it out, went to a meeting tonight, talked with others and now I feel better. 

I am grateful for how 12-step programs teach me to live one day at a time.  Today was good enough and tomorrow will be better.

A Funeral For A Friend

There was a memorial service for my friend Bob today.  I did not go.  I feel bad about that even though it was a decision I chose to make at the time.  My family is not big on celebrating the dead nor honoring their lives.  I will honor my friendship with Bob, his life and demise in time in my own way. 

I am a Pisces by birth and nature seeing two sides of every issue.  It makes me even-keeled, ambivalent and somewhat schizophrenic in that split personality sort of way.  I know I want to have better relationships with others in my life and I don’t go to a gathering of my friend’s friends that I have known since childhood.  I feel a sadness and sense of loss reminding me of my teenage angst about relationships.

Today is Michelle’s 47^th birthday.  We celebrated with a cake made by Lea at our morning meeting.  The cake was delicious and the meeting went well.  I am glad she is sober and wish her well.  She skippped her mental health support group and meeting with her sponsor this week.  Trying to help her get social services, make a resume or even learn how to use Google better have all resulted in hostile communication on her part—that was even after I wanted for her to ask for help.  I don’t know how to reach her.  It seems like the best thing I can do at this time is “not much”.  I hope she continues to be sober and change her ways before she goes back out.  Her sanity is in a footrace between sobriety and dying a using death.  Sad to watch, but I am glad it is not me.  It does not have to be that painful.

I am grateful to be reasonably okay with life on life’s terms and not in chaotic heinous pain that I can only fix by using.  Sobriety is not always great, but it is always better than the incomprehensible demoralization of using.

Road Trip With Friends of Bill

“Friends of Bill” is a discreet term for AA members seeking a meeting in transitory situations such as on a cruise ship.  Went to the WA State Reformatory meeting tonight with three other friends of Bill.  The conversation on the way to and from the meeting is a huge part of the event.  For years, I drove out by myself.  Having three others in the car was very kind and loving.

I am grateful for my friends in recovery and for all the friends of Bill that make meetings happen by showing up.

A SAD Mid-December Heat Wave

The Puget Sound area enjoyed a record high temperature of 66° today as part of a powerful windstorm.  I really like the warmer weather, but the short period of daylight with the sun really low in the sky at near 20 degrees above the horizon.

I am feeling SAD today.   Laid around reading my Kindle, watching TV and napping. Hopefully, there is a large part of the winter blues with that.  Daylight will change from shrinking to increasing on after the winter solstice on December 21^st.

I talked with George about going to Bob’s funeral on Friday.  That will be bittersweet.  It will be good to see old friends and sad to say goodbye to Bob.  He was a good guy and a nice person.

I am grateful to be alive and sober today. My winter blues will go away soon.

Showing Up

I am feeling a bit out of sorts about my Gratitude blog writing.  There is much to be grateful for.  When thinking about what to write about, topics are that come to mind are not sticking out as the “one” to write about.  I know that writing about gratitude on a daily basis has changed my brain to see the world in a variety of better ways.  I am more optimistic, resiliant, hopeful and grateful for what I do have.  That makes for a huge improvement in the quality of my life with no other change in living conditions.

While meeting at the mall today, we talked about the benefits of simply showing up for class in the case of Charlie’s students.  To the best of my knowledge, attendance is the #1 correlation between school and grades.  Simply showing up is a huge part of life.

I am grateful to show up sober in my life today.  Sure, there is a lot more I could do.  I need to always remember that showing up sober is good enough for today.  Everything is a bonus.

  

The 14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso

Just started reading An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life by the Dalai Lama. 

Compassion-sympathy for the suffering of others and the desire to free them from it-is wrestled with in all spiritual traditions. Yet how does one actually become a compassionate person? What are the mechanisms by which a selfish heart is transformed into a generous heart? In this acclaimed bestseller, His Holiness the Dalai Lama writes simply and powerfully about the everyday Buddhist practice of compassion, offering a clear, practical, inspiring introduction to the Buddhist path to enlightenment.

The Dalai Lama is one of my favorite living world leaders.  His teachings, courage, kindness and intellectual curiosity are all off the charts.  I can’t think of another head of religion that meets regularly with scientists to find and discuss common ground between their religion and science.

I admire, respect and am grateful to the 14^th Dalai Lama and the difference he has made in our world.  He is a role model for all people, much less religious and political leaders.

Newcomers

Gave 2 new people a ride to my homegroup tonight.

I am grateful to be of service to others.  It was good for all thee of us.

College Football

I watched more college football on TV this year than ever before.  It was a great season.  For the first time ever there will be a four team playoff to determine the national championship.  It will be glorious!

Conference champions used to be determined by won-loss records.  Now they have two divisions in each of the major conferences with a championship game.  Today was championship game day.  Nothing but good teams playing other good teams to determine the best teams.  Four of the very best teams will be invited into the playoffs.  Teams not invited will play in the other traditional college football bowl games in late December and on New Years Day.

For years, most college football games were on cable TV and not on broadcast TV precluding my watching them.  This year I found a way to watch regular season and bowl games over the web via an inexpensive subscription service for less than the price of a month of cable TV.

I am grateful for the pageantry of college football, great games and the optimism of youth to be enjoyed while watching great young “amateur” athletes play their hearts out.

A Nine Month Miracle

Lea and I have nine months of sobriety today.  That beats her second-best effort by 6 months.  It is an miracle of the first order for any addict to get and stay sober.  She has made a fantastic amount of progress from when she walked off 26 months ago in October 2012 in her “Lucy” mode with a determined quest to get heroin to incomprehensible demoralization on January 1^st, 2013 to being a sober woman attending meetings seven days a week.

Lea has hands-down the best attendance at our morning meeting over the last 21 months since she started methadone.  She has made it 10 or 20 times more than the next best attendee—me—not making it due to snow, sloth, swimming or other.  Back then she could not even tell how she was feeling, much less articulate it.  Today she was laughing at herself while saying she was in a bad mood.

I have spent more time with Lea than anyone else since I was a baby.  Even then I suspect I did not spend that much time with my mother.  We are good for each other, good friends and our lives are better for having each other in it.

I am grateful for our sobriety, my friendship with Lea and the progress we each have made in becoming happier healthier people with improved relationships.  We have worked really really hard to make this progress.  It is something to be proud of and grateful for.  Thank you god.

Blocked, Balking, or Procrastination?

Have been trying to write for an hour to no avail.   I am not having any major new problem, just not coming up with the juice to write. During this time, George called to let me know the service for Bob will be next Friday in Kent. 

I am grateful to at least place a post on my Gratitude blog.  It is okay to not be insightful every night.

Online Literacy

Since going online with my 300 baud acoustic modem 30 years ago, I looked forward to an online utopia with easy searching for information and shopping.  The advent of Google was a quantum leap forward that Yahoo missed back in the early days of the web.  Amazon Prime provides a wonderful price baseline, free 2-day shipping and a safe place for online transactions.

Social media does little for me, but I am aware there is such a thing that many people use via Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and so on.

Spent some time with a man 15 years my junior today that did not shop on Amazon, price check on Google or get books online from the greatest library system in the history of the world (King County Library System – KCLS).  He wanted to buy basic flip-flops to use as shower sandals when we went swimming and a book on edible native plants.  Flip-flops not a big seller in our Northwest winters.  Browsing Half-Price Books for foraging books got bupkis.  Amazon found flip-flops and foraging books faster than I could get in my car, much less drive to a local store.

Working with others gets me out of myself and helps me better appreciate what I do have.  I am grateful for my online literacy and the wonders of the digital world.

Feeling Grumpy

Spent parts of today feeling grumpy for unknown reasons.  Slept a little weird last night being awake from 4 to 7 reading my Kindle.   I have been intermittently grumpy for the last couple of weeks.  In a sense, it does not matter why.  What matters is taking action so that I feel better.

I am concerned about Michelle.  She does well with AA for a couple of months and then gets religious, shortly thereafter she goes back out.  Seeing that pattern happen again.  I hope she does not go out again.  This is the last time I will try to help her.  That will break that pattern.

I am grateful for the knowledge that my grumpiness will pass sooner than later with right action.

Tired After A Good Swim

Swam for an hour tonight.  That felt great after ten days without a swim.  I was really missing my exercise after a month of gratitude and Thanksgiving meals.  I am tired now and ready for bed.

I am grateful for a warm pool with a lift so I can easily get out of the pool after my swim.

RIP Bob W

Bob W was the longest friendship in my life.  I had known him for 50 years.  He got melanoma two years ago.   It was seemingly successfully treated until he was diagnosed with 11 brain tumors 4 months ago.  He died in his sleep last night.

Bob was a really good friend to me although we were not all that close over the last 30 years, he was always there for me when I needed him or just reached out to talk with him.  Bob had two boys, Brandon and Paul, that he was close with.  His wife Loni will miss him dearly.

I don’t really know how to grieve this loose.  I am sure there will be a funeral in the near future.  My of my early teen years, Bob’s friends were my friends although they were two years older than me.  They remained close to this day.

I am grateful for having been blessed to have Bob in my life.  Bob was a really nice guy.

Our Gratitude Dinner

The District 34 Gratitude Dinner was tonight at the North Bellevue Community Center.  It has been a sellout crowd of 250 people for the last ten years.  By far and away, it is the most consistent holiday tradition I have ever had in my life. 

We did not have a Gratitude Dinner in 2000.  Nobody rented the hall and they somehow went in the hole $2000 the previous year.  I rented the hall from 2001 until 2012.  I definitely feel a small piece of pride in having been part of making this be what it is.  It is a great Gratitude Dinner for our local AA and Alanon community.

Tonight’s vaguely followed theme was “love and service” which is from Dr Bob’s short speech at the AA’s 1950 first International Convention “Our Twelve Steps, when simmered down to the last resolve themselves into the words “love” and “service.” We understand what love is, and we understand what service is. So let’s bear those two things in mind.”

I was blessed to be able to pick out the theme while making the tickets, help set up before the event tonight, rinse the empty food platters during the Alanon speaker, bring several new people and help organize a fast many-hands-make-light-work cleanup.  It is good to be able to contribute positive things to my community in a way that makes it better for all of us.

There were three people at our table tonight with three months of sobriety or less.  It was their first sober social event.  It is really important for all alcoholics, especially so for the newly sober ones, to have a safe recovery oriented social event to participate in during the holiday season.

I am grateful for my sobriety, gratitude, Gratitude Dinners, friends and “family” in recovery and delicious holiday food.

A Winter Wonderland

The first snow of winter has covered much of the grass and the well-insulated roofs of my apartment project.  For an hour or two, it is very pretty.   My rear-wheel drive car does poorly in the snow—especially trying to go uphill around right-angle turns with speed bumps.  That is reason enough for me to stay home this morning.

It would have been nice to go for a swim and a meeting this morning.  I could probably make it out and back.  The downside of failure is not worth the risk.

I am grateful for the beauty of snow and for our temperate weather which will hopefully keep the snow off the pavement for our brief snowfall this morning and on through the forecast for next four days of freezing weather. 

Attraction

AA’s 11^th Tradition is Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.  There is a lot of confusion among AA members as to what constitutes attraction, promotion and public information. 

Simplistically:

Attraction is this is what I did to create a manageable life after becoming powerless over alcohol;

Promotion is you should… go to AA,stop drinking, get a job, have a sponsor, work the steps, etc., A classic statement  heard at meetings is that it is easy to tell an alcoholic, you just can’t tell the much.

Public information is providing information about AA, how to find a meeting, or how to contact AA, etc.

I got to chair a meeting on the 11^th tradition this morning.  I have done a lot of AA volunteering aka “service work” doing public information type outreach.  That did not keep me sober though I am blessed to still be attending AA meetings and hope to have 9 months again next week.

Reading Dacher Keltner’s Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life this morning before the meeting, I came across a graph showing how women are more concerned with a potential partners income than men are, while men rate beauty as more important in a partner than men do.  Thus we get rich old guys with trophy wives.  What is more important to both men and women than money or beauty is kindness.  That is the most attractive attribute in a partner.

Thus a program of attraction is about being kind to others.  Today we talked about kindness on the day after Thanksgiving.  It was insightful, joyful and pleasant.  Members, new and old, were most attracted to the kindness they received from and were able to give to others.

The Thanksgiving Alcathon schedule was still going on from yesterday until Saturday AM.  A young woman came into the meeting late.  Afterwards, she asked when the next meeting would be.  It was not for another 2 hours.  The next group was scheduled to host an interim alcathon meeting at 10:45.  There was clearly nobody there to run that meeting.  I told her we would have a meeting in a few minutes.  We went outside, chatted with others for a bit and then asked them to join us for an alcathon meeting.  Some left and eight of us started an impromptu meeting with Lea serving as secretary.  After Lea shared, the woman shared and cried with joy about the kindness she had found in AA that morning when we held a meeting just because we heard she wanted one.  It was a powerful moment for all of us.

I am grateful to be a much kinder person these days than I ever knew how to be before in my life.  It feels really good to be positive and spending much less time in negativity.  I am also grateful for my new keyboard which is still slick with some sort of plastic oil or sealant and works great with all the keys clearly legible instead of being worn off like the old keys were.

A Nice Thanksgiving

I am still using a small keyboard so this will be short.  Expecting the replacement tomorrow.

Lea, Michelle and I had a pleasant quiet Thanksgiving today.  Went to a meeting, chatted with others, went to the movie Penguins of Madagascar at Lincoln Square, back the Alano Club for a Thanksgiving meal, home for a nap, watched the Seahawks spank the SF 49ers, and called a few people to wish them Happy Thanksgiving.

We were going to have a prime rib roast but were lacing cooking motivation after the movie.  The Alano Club was practically on the way home from the movie and it is always a good idea to stop by an Alcathon on major holidays.  The chasm between Norman Rockwell and reality can be brutalling overwhelming for any alcoholic and especially so for those with dysfunctional families.

I am grateful for a pleasant sober Thanksgiving with friends and no drama.

An Airport Pickup

Picked up Greg at SeaTac at noon.  It was not crowded in the arrivals section at noon—which was a pleasant surprise on the day before Thanksgiving.  We had a delicious lunch at the Salvadorian bakery in White Center with TM.

It was vastly more pleasant to pickup Greg when he has almost 13 months sober versus those times in the past when he only had a few days and needed me to front him a Greyhound ticket home.  That is night and day difference in the quality of life and our ride home.  Today he was a happy successful jubilant man on the way home to join his parents for Thanksgiving.  That is a lot better than being an alcoholic in the thralls of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.

I am grateful for my friendship with Greg, for our sobriety today and for the anticipation of a pleasant Thanksgiving tomorrow.  Our Thanksgiving plan is a meeting, movie at Lincoln Square and prime rib for dinner.

Keyboard Problems

My Microsoft ergonomic keyboard died earlier today.   I learned that when trying to write today’s Gratitude blog post.   Fortunately I had three backup keyboards including an old MS PS2 keyboard.  The other two USB keyboards are not ergonomic which is all I have used for at least ten years.  The smallish Logitech keyboard is not going to get it for a longer post.

Thanks to the miracle of Amazon, I will have a replacement MS ergonomic keyboard on Friday.

I am grateful for spare parts and easy access to budget replacements.   I was going to write about my Tuesday support group.

Apartment Maintenance

One great advantage of living in well run apartment complex is timely maintenance at no extra cost.  The dishwasher was acting up this weekend.  Wrote a online work request this morning and it is fixed this afternoon.

I am grateful for timely maintenance done at no extra charge by Essex nee’ BRE Properties.  They are a multibillion dollar corporation that runs well managed rental properties.

An Alcoholic’s Best Thinking

…is a terrible thing.   55 days ago, we picked up Michelle from the ER at Harborview after enduring her second horrific beating in two weeks.  She said she was willing to go to any length and agreed to go to two meetings a day while she stayed with us.  This last week meeting attendance has been close to two per week than per day.

It is said and tragic to watch one of the smartest most talented women I have known to skip the good orderly direction (aka god) of going to 12 step meetings and heading over to church expecting a different result than how it has gone for the last two years (or ten year for that matter).

I am sure church is a wonderful thing for those who it works for.  I envy church-goers their sense of community and wish I too found it there.  Unfortunately, the dogma of religion is a terrible turnoff for me. Buddhist philosophy and mindful meditation work well for me, but I don’t go to temples.

I strongly tend to shut down from ridiculous conflict.  On Monday when I showed Michelle where she was eligible for $800/month in benefits in direct opposition to what she claimed to be quoting from an agency counselor, she started yelling and kept going far longer than what I was willing to participate in.  Since then, I have pretty much shut down in my conversations with her.  My thinking is that if she is not willing to discuss facts about possibly getting $800/month, there is little (no) chance she is going to be willing to discuss more subtle things like how to stay sober.

I don’t need to kick her out.  She will either get it together or get out all on her own in the near future.  Hopefully she will get it together.  I will try to say what I am thinking in a kind and gentle way that hopefully helps both us.  It is not likely I will be able to say anything so profound as to stop an alcoholic from drinking, but it might help her and will help me to own my feelings in a way that prevents me from being as sick as my secrets.

Maybe she can do it the church way. Surely many church people are sober.  I don’t do church and can’t help with that.  I have watched Michelle do church and go out several times.   I do AA and while my track record is not perfect, it is at least 99% sobriety since I went to rehab in May of 1999.

I am grateful that I am able to stay away from my best thinking the vast majority of the time and use good orderly direction to live a life that is mostly serene and happier than how it used to be while having great compassion from those that lose the thought-war with the fatal progressive disease of alcoholism.

An Early Thanksgiving Dinner

Danica and Jayse joined us for an early turkey dinner today on the Saturday before Thanksgiving.  Michelle did the cooking. The food was delicious.   It was a pleasant quiet meal due in some part to my feeling poorly from my ongoing UTI and Lea not feeling well.

We will likely go out to a movie on Thanksgiving in the early afternoon.  Reasons we ate early include not having to eat another turkey two days later at our local AA district Gratitude Dinner next Saturday and to avoid being overwhelmed by the “not Norman Rockwell” feeling that can easily happen to—and overwhelm—those us with dysfunctional families.

As addicts in recovery, we have a lot to be grateful for.  Being sober, a delicious peaceful meal with our recovery family, for a nice place to live, and people that love us is a really good place to start.

I am grateful for a pleasant holiday meal at home.  Three other adults is the most I have ever served at my home on Thanksgiving.  I am showing up in a different and better way in my life.

Antibiotics

Came down with a bladder infection (UTI) yesterday.  It has been two years since I last had a problem with a UTI and it was a doozy that kept me on extremely powerful antibiotics for a year.  I thought it would never go away.

Prior to WWII and the wide-spread use of penicillin, bladder infections were the primary cause of death for people with spinal cord injuries.   Today I have pills for these problems that reduce the infection and the side effects such as fevers, chills, headaches and nausea.  Hopefully this will eliminate the infection immediately.  Otherwise it can get into a long drawn-out hassle or worse.

I am grateful for the advent of modern antibiotics.  They saved my life at least a dozen times in the past 33 years.

Taking A Little Action

Today was a moderately active day of a meeting, swimming, worked on my HTPC, made arrangement to get rid of Doug’s old entertainment center and started organizing for our early turkey day on Saturday.    That is a lot better than yesterday when I did not make it out of the apartment.

I am grateful for the tools to take a little action after being overwhelmed by depression.  It is vital to stop the downward spiral early in the process.  It would be even better to not get the spiral started.

Depression

I have had chronic depression since at least my early teens.  Staying sober, going to meetings, studying positive psychology, swimming, and years of therapy has greatly improved my emotional well-being. 

Nonetheless, depression can still get the best of me.  I could not get out of bed for my usual morning meeting.   In part, this was due an emotional hangover from yesterday’s using thoughts.  A big reason why I have a daily routine is to make sure I do those activities that are good for me and don’t get stuck at home isolating with my own best thinking.  Fortunately I had plans for lunch in Woodinville with my friend Mark.  At least I made it out of the apartment today for a couple hours.

I am grateful my depression is not nearly as bad as it used to be and for the vastly improved toolset I have for dealing with it today.  It will be better tomorrow.  I will go to my meeting and then for a swim.  After that, we will start getting ready for a early Thanksgiving turkey dinner this Saturday.  Having a plan helps a lot.

A Blah Day

Did the usual Tuesday morning routine of meditation readings with Lea and Michelle, meeting, Crossroads Mall with Charlie and Margie and Diana, light grocery shopping, and then home for lunch.

Felt some degree of loneliness that lead to a craving to use in order to “be somebody”, talked about it with others and then took a nap.  Using always changes how I feel—I like the high and would then feel bad about yet another relapse for days, weeks and months to come.  The insanity of addiction is that spending all my money on a high that might last for a day seems reasonable.  It is frustrating to never be more than another hit away from a relapse.

So my afternoon was a big nap followed by a broccoli dinner then three TV shows and finishing off a so-so sci-fi book on my Kindle.  For a blah day with more than a little compulsion and/or craving to use, having stayed sober is a really great place to be.

I am grateful for the eight months and two weeks that I have sober today.  That is a lot better than starting over with no money, no time and mass incomprehensible demoralization.

Nothing Special

Facing a bit of writer’s block, tonight’s post is on nothing special.  People, especially in America, grossly overestimate how much happiness a new X will bring them where X is a new: pair of shoes; car; bigger house; pay raise; or job.

Today I am reasonably happy for no special reason.  Went for a short swim tonight, have a good book to finish reading and got my heavy comforter back from the dry cleaners today.  It will be a good night to snuggle up in a warm bed and read.

I have a little mental agitation over a bizarre “argument” with Michelle.  She took a position that was demonstrably factually incorrect and then continued to argue for it as if talking louder and faster would change the facts.  That behavior undoubtedly worked better on the streets than it does in recovery.  I don’t understand arguing against facts. I understand interpretation and applicability of a given fact, but not arguing the fact itself.  For example, the force of gravity at sea level is 9.8 m/s^2.   In practice, that would be impacted by wind resistance for a falling object or stationary mass and so needs context.

I am grateful to be happy for “no special reason”.  That is infinitely better than playing the “if only I had this” game.

A Good Digestive System

My stomach works really well.  I have been nauseous only a few times in my life when seriously infected and a few times from too much alcohol.  I don’t have any food allergies that I am aware of.  I rarely get cramps, have never had an ulcer and rarely have diarrhea.

My roommate gets torn-up by problems with her digestive system.  It hurts so bad at times she is crying in pain even on almost 200 mg of methadone.  During a bad week of problems, she might vomit several times a day for several days—between bouts of more and less pain.

It boggles my mind how someone with stomach problems like hers does not research food allergies and dietary supplements, much less live on a diet primarily consisting of quesadillas made from corn tortillas, teriyaki chicken meatballs, cheese and pineapple sauce and with her beverage of choice being decaf coffee with lots of liquid creamer and sugar.

I am extremely grateful for a stomach that works consistently well with little pain and no known allergies.

1001 Gratitude Blog Posts

Yesterday was 1000 Gratitude blog posts on this website.  I am fantastically pleased with my progress due to writing about gratitude and for making it to 1000 posts.  When I wrote my first post back on 12/27/10, it was an open ended commitment to myself to write 5x/week for the year 2011.

Reading that post I saw that my goal for 2010 was to go to a meeting a day and made it to about 150 meetings.  Now I am averaging 10 meetings a week since Labor Day and have done a meeting a day for the 8 months prior to that.  I am much better at doing good self-care now than how I used to be.

Watched a good friend speak at a gratitude dinner tonight.  She did well.  My passengers acknowledged gaining some insight into relationship dynamics of alcoholics and their families.  Not enough to do the work of an Alanon program, but it was still some insight into the issues of why an ex-husband one friend had not seen for years called to berate her before we went to the meeting.

I am grateful to still be writing about gratitude, many meetings and my sobriety.  I am happy for my success after a somewhat grumpy evening on my part.

A 60th Birthday

A 60^th Birthday

Today is my sister’s 60^th birthday.   That is a significant milestone in our time on this world.  She is perhaps 2/3rds of the way through her life.  She is far and away the most successful of her siblings.  I am very proud of her and appreciate having her in my life—even if she does live on the far side of the world.

We don’t celebrate Xmas with gifts.  We do celebrate birthdays with gifts in a somewhat asymmetrical manner.  She gets me durable goods such as kitchen knives or cordless phone sets and I buy her flowers.  I love my Rachel Ray knives and Panasonic base station with 5 cordless handsets.  I hope she likes her birthday bouquets.

I am grateful to have my sister in my life.  She is very important to me.  My sister is the only biological relative I communicate with.  We are in contact via this blog and email.  We have not talked in person for several years. 

More Aaaahh For The Awes

I need one more writing assignment to finish my MOOC Science of Happiness class tonight.  The assignment is to write about things that inspire a sense of awe in me.  Certainly nature’s beauty is an easy place to start from the physical beauty of a starry nights, sunny days, snow covered mountains, stormy coastlines, and then on over to the biological beauty of plants, trees, and flowers.

Athletes and scientists inspire awe with their abilities and achievements that few of us will ever match.  Religious figures including the Buddha, Confucius, Jesus, and Lao Tzu created belief systems that are changed the world for millennia that are perhaps even more active vibrant contributors to world culture today than they were back in their day.

Philosophers and artists often paved the way for science.  Aristotle and Leonardo are two of the all-time great thinkers that stood the test of time.

Friends are an inspired source of awe.  18 months ago, Lea was deep in the incomprehensible demoralization of active addiction.  She was definitely in danger of a premature demise from drugs or violence.  Today she is a leader at her morning meeting serving as secretary and working with her first two sponsees.  It takes a ferocious amount of courage and faith to turn your life around like that at any age.  I am in awe of the changes she has made to get to where she is at today.

There are plenty of things and people to inspire a great sense of awe in me today.  A new pair of spiritual glasses reveals plenty to be inspired by.

I am grateful for the awe in my life today.  That is a lot better than the pessimistic cynicism I used to “enjoy”.

Looking Outward

We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.  Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 87

As an active alcoholic, I allowed selfishness to run rampant in my life. I was so attached to my drinking and other selfish habits that people and moral principles came second. Now, when I pray for the good of others rather than my "own selfish ends," I practice a discipline in letting go of selfish attachments, caring for my fellows and preparing for the day when I will be required to let go of all earthly attachments.

Daily Reflections for November 13^th

My life and thinking are no longer driven so madly along by a fear-powered self-will run riot.  Today I am able to act with compassion and empathy for others in healthy helpful ways.

I am grateful for the people in my life today that make me a better happier kinder person.  Today I get to lead by example in a kind and loving way that helps others and makes me happier.

Time For Change After Lots of Time Together

Lea started methadone last year on March 12^th.  The last 18 months have changed her life and my perception of clinical methadone treatment for opiate addicts.  There has been a tremendous amount of “harm reduction” in her life.  She no longer commits crimes and hangs out with criminals as a way of life, no more IV drug abscesses, no more life on the lam always having a warrant out for her arrest for some FTA (Failure To Appear) court issue. Now she goes to 12-step meetings every day, is a meeting secretary and works with others.

Helping her get started on getting her life back together has been the best thing to help another person I have ever done in my life.  25 years ago I started 3 charities that greatly helped many others making a bigger in aggregate—but still nearly invisible—improvement in our society at large. 

Helping Lea changed my life vastly for the better.  I am a much happier person than I used to be.

Except for a few short relapses over a year ago, we have spent most of every day together.  That is far and away the best I ever got along with another person in my life. 

This week my tolerance for her foibles has diminished sharply.  It is not that she is doing anything more annoying or even outrageous, more nearly it is a case of my expectations rising rapidly. 

For example, she regularly goes right outside the door of the meeting hall to smoke in violation of stated request by group meeting “script”, posted policy where she smokes, county law, state law, a hand-written note from me asking her not to do so due to problems with loud disruptive conversations, and requests by group members going outside to ask her to be quiet.  This morning before the meeting, I asked her to not do that today.  Her defensive response was to the effect of “why not?”   When I explained the above to her again, she attacked with “you are not perfect either”.  All in all, a minor thing relative to the difference between shooting heroin and being sober, but still it feels like I have had enough for now.  I will spend with others for the next few days and hope that both my tolerance for her asocial behavior increases and she more closely follows group norms. 

In a perfect world, we could all treat each other equally.  In the real world, we are all different.  Michelle with her 30 days damages something nearly every day such as cooking with my good Tupperware in the microwave putting burn marks in the plastic.  She is doing the best she can while too raw and sensitive for daily criticism, I will buy another $50 or $100 worth of Tupperware next year.  At this time, I would rather have her sober than having less beat-up plastic dishes.

I believe most of Lea’s antisocial ways are due to the selfish self-seeking self-centeredness of being an addict as opposed to trying to be deliberately bitchy or annoying.  The vast majority of alcoholics are at heart extremely kind and loving people wrapped in a thick veneer of asocial traits to protect their hypersensitive & hypervigilant “inner child” from being hurt.  Sooner or later, we have to grow up to stay sober.  I truly believe that inside Lea is an extremely kind, loving and nurturing woman.  

I hope this works out well for both of us.  It will change.

I am grateful for my part in helping Lea get her life together.  I am also grateful for having healthy boundaries, being able to express my frustrations by talking with others and posting here.

The First Freeze of Fall

Tomorrow’s forecast predicts a record-tying low of 29°F for Seattle.  So far, the weather has been so nice that I have not had to turn the heat yet this Fall.  The giant TV in my bedroom helped with that since I do sorta use it as a heater.  Still this is the latest in the season I can ever remember turning the heat on for the colder weather.  Today after lunch, Sandy and I sat chatting comfortably in the (relatively) warm sun on 54° day.

I am grateful for the beautiful warm weather we had this year with much less of that dreary Seattle gray mist and more sunny skies.

Thinking It Through

Three days ago, my ego ginned-up a compelling impulse for me to get a friend to like me more as if I had control over that sort of thing.  Historically, that compulsion has backfired for me every time I acted on it turning a functional relationship into rubble in short order leading to immediate regret, guilt, shame and frustration.

Fortunately for both my friend and I, working steps 4 through 7 seems to have reduced my compulsion down to the usual low-level insane background noise in my mind. 

In step 4 of the big book, it talks about how alcoholics want to be directors of all the world as if it was a stage show.  If only people would do and think as I say, things would be fine.  Of course that doesn’t work.

Step 5 is talking with god and others about our issues.  I did that with multiple people today sharing my insane self-destructive compulsion.  They understood what I was talking about and agreed that was insane, self-destructive and that not only would it be best to not act upon it, but to turn it over to my higher power.

Step 6 in the 12x12 discusses instincts run amuck by we which we alcoholics try to get more pleasure of things than they can possibly provide.  This was totally what was going on in my mind.  Rather that working to find a reasonable amount of happiness from various sources, I wanted near-infinite happiness from another human being.  That was a non-starter.

Step 7 is where we humble ask god to remove our defects of character.  That was the topic of tonight’s meeting.   The solution was clearly presented to me during the meeting.  I am in a lot better spiritual condition now than I was yesterday.

I am grateful for my friends in recovery, my relationship with a god of my understanding and the newfound ability to head off insane thinking before it turns into insane behavior.

Being of Service to Others

Give three others a ride to a meeting tonight.  It is new behavior for me to regularly travel with more than one other person.

There was a squeak in car since I bought it.  My car shop finally found a loose bolt and tightened it down this week.  The excitement of having a car in perfect working order with no squeaks lasted about two trips.

I am grateful to have friends in recovery, a car, drivers license, insurance and money for gas.

Double Posting – Part 1

I had good but never perfect attendance at school.  I now have a chance to average perfect attendance to writing in my Gratitude blog every day this year.  I am 9 posts shy of averaging a post per day in 2014.  I will post an extra 9 times before the end of the year for an average of a post per day.

There is no particular reason for doing this beyond a mild sense of achievement in posting about gratitude 365 times in a year.  Maybe writing twice a day will make me more grateful.  It already has me reflecting on my childhood of being a reasonably good student by attendance standards at the very least.  One factoid I remember from my college days (that may or may not be true) is that the number correlation between grades and anything is attendance.  This will be my way of averaging perfect attendance on my Gratitude blog posts.

I am grateful for my consistently posting here this year.  It has been a great year for improved relationships and a better happier state of mental health.

St Francis House – Seattle

St. Francis House in Seattle provides free clothes and food to the estimated 9000 homeless people in King County.  They are funded only by donations from individuals and corporations with no money from the Archdiocese nor United Way.

I drove Michelle and Lea to St. Francis House this morning.  They went in and an hour later Michelle came out with bedding, clothes, coat, hat and gloves.  Lea got a quilt.

There were close to 20 people coming or going from St. Francis in the hour that I was parked outside.  Some come for the sandwiches and coffee, others for personal supplies like soap and toilet paper, and others for clothes and bedding.  Many looked to be homeless of which some undoubtedly were in active addiction.  There were also young mothers and couples that had to be struggling to make ends meet.

I am grateful for resources like St. Francis House that provide immediate walk-in services to the neediest of our people in realtime with no questions asked.  If I was in their situation, I sure as heck would want help from the good people of St. Francis House.

Numerology -- Part 4

As posted before, numerology is my favorite word to misuse.   My numerology always has a story.  Here are a few short stories.

Today’s numerology is that I have 990 posts on this Gratitude blog starting with the first two posts in December of 2010.  There are 301 posts for 2014 on day 311 of the year giving me a 96.8% posting rate.  There is a temptation to posts an extra 10 times in the next 7 weeks to give me 365 posts for the year for the sake of some foolish consistency.  There would be a sense of achievement in averaging exactly 1.0 posts per day.  Not sure that I would be much more grateful.  I certainly have the time to write 10 extra posts.  We will see.

Yesterday I had 8 months of sobriety.  One goal is to swim twice a week. A second goal is to go to an extra three meetings per week on top of a meeting every day for a total of 10 meetings per week.  That has gone pretty well since Labor Day.

I am grateful for fun with numbers.  It is good to be able to quantify things.  It is great to be so much more grateful than how it used to be.

Just One Thing: Be Amazed

Just One Thing: Be Amazed

From GreaterGood.berkely.edu

By Rick Hanson | October 30, 2014 | 0 comments

Rick Hanson reminds us to see existence with delight, awe, gratitude, and wow!

Last night, stressing about undone tasks, I glanced in a mirror and saw my T-shirt, with its picture of a galaxy and a little sign sticking up out of its outer swirls, saying “You are here.”

A joke gift from my wife, I’ve worn this shirt many times—yet for once it stopped me in my tracks. In William Blake’s phrase, the doors of perception popped open and it really hit me: Yes we are actually here, off to the edge of a vast floating whirlpool of stars, alive and conscious, walking and talking on a big rock circling a bigger burning ball of gas. Here, now, nearly fourteen billion years after the cosmos emerged out of nothing. What the?!

My mind stopped yapping and I felt the delight and awe of a little kid who for the first time sees a butterfly, or tastes ice cream, or realizes that the stars above are really far away. Gratitude and wow and something edging into dare I say it sacred washed through me. In a word, I was amazed—which means “filled with wonder and surprise,” even “overwhelmed with wonder.”

Besides the simple happiness in this experience, it lifted me above the tangled pressures and worries I was stuck to like a bug on flypaper. Amazement is instant stress relief. It also opens the heart: I couldn’t any longer be even a little exasperated with my wife. Perhaps most deeply, being amazed brings you into the truth of things, into relationship with the inherent mysteries and overwhelming gifts of existence, scaled from the molecular machinery of life to the love and forgiveness in human hearts to the dark matter that glues the universe together. Wow. Really. Wow.

How? Opportunities for amazement are all around us. I think back to that look in the eyes of our son and daughter as they were born, blinking in the light of the room, surprised by all the shapes and colors, entering a whole new world. Seen with the eyes of a child, the simplest thing is amazing: a blade of grass, being licked by a puppy, the taste of cinnamon, riding piggyback on your daddy, or the fact that running your eyes over lines of black squiggles fills your mind with tales of dragons and heroes and fairy godmothers.

Look around you. This morning I sat down to my computer, clicked a mouse, and chanting recorded in a Russian cathedral filled the room. Crazy! Imagine being a Stone Age person transported 50,000 years forward into your chair. Glass windows, pencils, flat wood, the smell of coffee, woven cloth, a metal spoon… it would all be amazing.

Try to see more of your world in this way, as if you are seeing it for the first time, perhaps through the eyes of a child if not a caveman. Beginner’s mind, zen mind. If you’re not amazed, you’re not paying attention.

Explore “don’t know mind”—not “duh” mind, but an openness that doesn’t immediately slot things into boxes, that allows a freshness and curiosity. The mind categorizes and labels things to help us survive. Fine enough, but underneath this skim of meaning laid over the boiled milk of reality, we don’t truly know what anything is. We use words like “atoms” and “quarks” and “photons,” but no one knows what a quark or photon actually is. We don’t know what love actually is, either, but it is all around us.

It’s amazing to me that people love me, amazing that people forgive each other, that those once at war with each other can eventually live in peace. Consider people you know, how they keep going when they’re tired, breathe through pain, get up yet again to walk a crying baby, settle down in the middle of an argument and admit fault and move on. To me, that a mother can embrace the young man who murdered her son is more amazing than an exploding supernova. And just as others are amazing to you, you are also amazing to them.

If we were brave enough to be more often filled with wonder and surprise, we would treat ourselves and others and our fragile world more gently.      

I am grateful for the awe in my life.   Nature’s beauty, the kindness of people, a delicious meal, life on earth,  language, friends, the genius of scientists and artists, and low-bottom drunks getting sober are some of my favorite sources of awe.