Time For Change After Lots of Time Together

Lea started methadone last year on March 12^th.  The last 18 months have changed her life and my perception of clinical methadone treatment for opiate addicts.  There has been a tremendous amount of “harm reduction” in her life.  She no longer commits crimes and hangs out with criminals as a way of life, no more IV drug abscesses, no more life on the lam always having a warrant out for her arrest for some FTA (Failure To Appear) court issue. Now she goes to 12-step meetings every day, is a meeting secretary and works with others.

Helping her get started on getting her life back together has been the best thing to help another person I have ever done in my life.  25 years ago I started 3 charities that greatly helped many others making a bigger in aggregate—but still nearly invisible—improvement in our society at large. 

Helping Lea changed my life vastly for the better.  I am a much happier person than I used to be.

Except for a few short relapses over a year ago, we have spent most of every day together.  That is far and away the best I ever got along with another person in my life. 

This week my tolerance for her foibles has diminished sharply.  It is not that she is doing anything more annoying or even outrageous, more nearly it is a case of my expectations rising rapidly. 

For example, she regularly goes right outside the door of the meeting hall to smoke in violation of stated request by group meeting “script”, posted policy where she smokes, county law, state law, a hand-written note from me asking her not to do so due to problems with loud disruptive conversations, and requests by group members going outside to ask her to be quiet.  This morning before the meeting, I asked her to not do that today.  Her defensive response was to the effect of “why not?”   When I explained the above to her again, she attacked with “you are not perfect either”.  All in all, a minor thing relative to the difference between shooting heroin and being sober, but still it feels like I have had enough for now.  I will spend with others for the next few days and hope that both my tolerance for her asocial behavior increases and she more closely follows group norms. 

In a perfect world, we could all treat each other equally.  In the real world, we are all different.  Michelle with her 30 days damages something nearly every day such as cooking with my good Tupperware in the microwave putting burn marks in the plastic.  She is doing the best she can while too raw and sensitive for daily criticism, I will buy another $50 or $100 worth of Tupperware next year.  At this time, I would rather have her sober than having less beat-up plastic dishes.

I believe most of Lea’s antisocial ways are due to the selfish self-seeking self-centeredness of being an addict as opposed to trying to be deliberately bitchy or annoying.  The vast majority of alcoholics are at heart extremely kind and loving people wrapped in a thick veneer of asocial traits to protect their hypersensitive & hypervigilant “inner child” from being hurt.  Sooner or later, we have to grow up to stay sober.  I truly believe that inside Lea is an extremely kind, loving and nurturing woman.  

I hope this works out well for both of us.  It will change.

I am grateful for my part in helping Lea get her life together.  I am also grateful for having healthy boundaries, being able to express my frustrations by talking with others and posting here.