Thinking It Through

Three days ago, my ego ginned-up a compelling impulse for me to get a friend to like me more as if I had control over that sort of thing.  Historically, that compulsion has backfired for me every time I acted on it turning a functional relationship into rubble in short order leading to immediate regret, guilt, shame and frustration.

Fortunately for both my friend and I, working steps 4 through 7 seems to have reduced my compulsion down to the usual low-level insane background noise in my mind. 

In step 4 of the big book, it talks about how alcoholics want to be directors of all the world as if it was a stage show.  If only people would do and think as I say, things would be fine.  Of course that doesn’t work.

Step 5 is talking with god and others about our issues.  I did that with multiple people today sharing my insane self-destructive compulsion.  They understood what I was talking about and agreed that was insane, self-destructive and that not only would it be best to not act upon it, but to turn it over to my higher power.

Step 6 in the 12x12 discusses instincts run amuck by we which we alcoholics try to get more pleasure of things than they can possibly provide.  This was totally what was going on in my mind.  Rather that working to find a reasonable amount of happiness from various sources, I wanted near-infinite happiness from another human being.  That was a non-starter.

Step 7 is where we humble ask god to remove our defects of character.  That was the topic of tonight’s meeting.   The solution was clearly presented to me during the meeting.  I am in a lot better spiritual condition now than I was yesterday.

I am grateful for my friends in recovery, my relationship with a god of my understanding and the newfound ability to head off insane thinking before it turns into insane behavior.