December 31st — A Short Review of My 2012

The three biggest events for me in 2012 were successfully working with my sister to get a quasi-guardianship for our demented mother, my six-month serial relapse and achieving 43 days of sobriety today. 

The guardianship experience was the usual experience with our mother—laden with conflict, mistrust and hysterical accusations about our motives and character—with a much  less than optimal result that is a great improvement over her previous situation.  There was no oversight on the Morgan-Stanley account of an 83-year old woman with (technically undiagnosed) Alzheimer's.  Her broker that was day-trading on her behalf with hundreds of thousands of dollars uninvested that MS was harvesting the interest from.   Her broker was consistently skimming over a thousand dollars a month in trading commissions for trades that resulted in a rarely resulted in a positive investment transaction.

The frosting on the guardianship process was my mother calling me the day before my birthday to bitch about legal fees from having fought the guardianship process to protect her money.  I had gone seven years without talking to Beverly   prior to being informed of her having a mental health breakdown caused by dementia resulting in her being placed in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital.  Even after years of therapy and 13 years of 12-step programs, it is too painful for me to interact with my mother.  She is the most negative person I know.

Shortly after that call and experience, I relapsed back into my six-month bout of smoking crack.  I relapsed because I am an addict.  My resolve to stay sober was weakened by emotional pain from mommy issues.  I love the high that I get from using crack. The downside is that the emotional and financial low I get from using crack will lead to a nasty, brutish and short existence.

Interacting with my mother and smoking crack were both negative experiences that made me stronger.  In hindsight, I would have done things differently.  In reality, I am extremely fortunate to be sober and have a home of my own today. 

I have taken greatly increased ownership of my mental health by letting go of self-pity to the best of my ability,  sharing my thoughts and feelings more openly in a (somewhat) forthright manner of communication, and having undergone a sea-change in the value of my relationships with others.

This year I have one New Year's resolution that I am taking seriously:  I will average a meeting a day for the next 90 days. 

Other resolutions include increased exercise, eat better, and better proofreading my Gratitude Blog posts.  J

I am grateful to have survived 2012, for my return to sobriety, for less self-pity, increased happiness, and better relationships in my life.  I am learning to love myself.  Thank you god.

Working with others

Talked with two people in active addiction yesterday.  One could only cry for the first half-hour we talked.  Even after that, she was still not able to say what was causing all her pain.  In my experience, if you can't identify and verbalize emotional pain—it never goes away.  The other person was pretending to not use heroin by getting a fortified beer as if that would explain her heroin nod.  Their situation is tragic.  Spending time with them made my life, happiness and serenity vastly more stable and secure.  I don't want any part of pain and hopelessness of that ilk.

I had written in my Gratitude Blog for 14 days.  That felt good and successful for me.  Then took two days off due to sloth and a lack of prioritization of how important this writing is to me.  I am writing this early in the day to ensure not missing three days of writing.

It is good to be writing again.  I am glad my emotional energy is focused in the good things in my life as opposed to the painful focus of active addiction.  Today I am going to do something fun.  Fun will involve  going for a drive to appropriate winter destination such as a movie or the mall while is not raining and almost sunny.

Visiting Bob at the UW Medical Center

Bob W is my oldest friend from childhood.  I have known him since I was five years old.  He was recently diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma.  He has had two tumors surgically removed and will have one more removed in two weeks.  After that, he will do 60 weeks of chemotherapy in a double-blind study between a high-tech cancer drug and interferon.  (Technically, interferon is not chemo since it is a cytokine or naturally occurring part of the body's immune system.)

Yesterday, he had a 21 cm tumor removed from the back of his abdomen.  I visited him at the UWMC today.  He was alert and in good spirits.  There was a rollaway bed in the room for his wife Loni to stay overnight with Bob.

Having been to the UWMC for therapy well over 100 times since I was paralyzed 31 years ago, I was able to confidently assure Bob that he was getting the some of the best medical care available in the world.  The UWMC has historically been the recipient of more government funding than any other public hospital in the US.  Seattle has excellent cancer care resources such as the Seattle  Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA) and Fred Hutchinson.

My two big tips for Bob were to be mindful of staying in the moment so as to not let fear cause stress and to write a gratitude list to help focus on the positive things in his life.  It was good to be there for my friend.  He was there for me 31 years ago and many times since then.

I am grateful for the high quality of medical care in our community and for the excellent medical care that my friend Bob is getting via the SCCA.

Being in the moment (mindful?) on Xmas Day

Most of my conversations with others throughout my life have been stilted by my unmindful need to be somewhere else at that time.  I got to spend my entire Xmas day in a state of always being in the moment and at peace with whom & where I was at.  It was a discernibly different feeling.  My conversations where all more intimate and comfortable than how they used to be.  That immediately lead to better relationships with others.

I am grateful for a quantum leap in both being in the moment and more emotionally available to others in my conversations.

a nice xmas

xmas was good.  more later

Late in the day of Christmas Eve

Had lunch with Sandy at the Olive Garden today.  She only worked 7.75 hours today and so was done by 1 PM (definite overacheiver!).  We have a great friendship and I am grateful to have her in my life.  She has to go to about a dozen family Xmas events with her bf.  I went to the Alano Club tonight.  Vastly different experiences—I am sure of that.

Two friends in early recovery could not handle the holidays without using.  My friend Merri B describes the holidays as "the mean season".  I got two calls on my home phone from my mother today while at lunch.  I did not return those calls.  It is too painful to interact with her and my recovery is too fragile.

I went to two meetings tonight, gave Greg a ride home to Issaquah and talked with his friend Kyle about a positive psychology program he is participating in at Stanford.  It has changed his life in a vastly better way and he is really into it.  The program is for survivors of traumatic events.  Kyle barely survived a virulent form of cancer.  Kyle described his experience as "being rocketed into the 4th dimension."

It is good to have old and new friends that are making positive steps in their lives.  I am grateful for the role models.

Having a Christmas tree and visiting friends

37 years ago, my 17 year-old sister Valerie committed suicide when I was 15.  I was the last person to see her alive.   In the 12-step programs, guys are supposed to work with guys and women with women.  I have tried to help many women during my time in recovery in a sort of effort to keep them from also dying young and metaphysically save my sister Valerie from killing herself one more time.  My latest effort was trying to help Michelle who has lived in the jungle (an area noted for its homeless population near the intersection of i90 & i5 in Seattle) for the last 8 years. 

Michelle was arrested on her 45th birthday for drug possession and spent 5 days in jail before she was released.  She spent the night on the streets and called me in the morning.  She stayed at my apartment for 5 days.  It was nice having her here.  She is smart, high energy and functional.  She put up my Christmas tree for the first time in eight years, made cookies with Xmas music playing (I rarely listen to music) and wrapped some gifts for Lea.

Yesterday I visited with friends from childhood while watching the Huskies lose a football game.  After that, I visited a Angie at her new house.  I bought Angie some house-warming gifts such as light bulbs, a broom & dustpan, and dish soap.  Her house was surprisingly accessible (the vast majority of houses are not wheelchair accessible ).

I came home and Michelle was ready to get back out in the mix.  We watched TV for a bit and then it was time for me to meet Greg at an 8:30 meeting.  I dropped Michelle off at the bus stop.  She had been indoors and clean for the last 9.5 out of 10 days. It was sad watching her inner-addict lie to both herself and me when she said she was "just going to visit friends and not use."   Better her than me.

Tonight, Greg and I are going to Everett to give Lea her Xmas gifts and the last of some clothes that she had left here.  After that, we are going to the Dweezil Zappa concert at the Neptune theater in the U-district.  It has been a very social weekend before Xmas for me.

I might be smart and reasonably well-educated, but I have the attention span of a cricket when it comes the dangers of substance abuse in my heart.  I need those constant reminders and the stories of the yets that are still out there for me.  I am grateful for my friends that are doing well and for the lessons I get from those that are struggling to find & keep a safe home for themselves. 

I would post a picture of my fake Xmas tree but I can't find the special OEM USB cord for my Sony Camera.  It has to be here somewhere...

Long term relationships

The UW Huskies are playing Boise State in the Maaco/Las Vegas Bowl today.  I am going to Auburn to watch it with Bob, Ted and George.  I have known Bob since I was 5 years old.  That is by far the longest relationship with a friend in my life.  George has been a great friend to me since I was paralyzed 31 years ago.  He flew down to Santa Barbara to attend my graduation at UC Santa Barbara in 1988.

Bob found out this week that he has stage 4 melanoma requiring chemotherapy for the next year.  It will be good to see him before the chemo kicks in.

In my past, I was full of self-pity and had the mindset of being a victim.  I refuse to be a victim anymore.   I have experienced a lot of emotional pain, physical pain and loss.  It can be confusing for me now when I feel pain as to whether it is self-pity or pain/grief/loss that needs to be processed.  I don't really know how to tell the difference. I do know that if I get stuck in it for too long, that is clearly self-pity.

My friend Angie was homeless a year ago.  Since then, she has had a studio in Belltown provided by Catholic Community Services.  She won a housing lottery which will pay up to $1200 for rent anywhere in the greater Seattle area.    She found a house in Federal Way last week and moved in yesterday. Her daughter and grandson are going to live with her.  Sleep Time donated and delivered a full-size and queen-size for her daughter and her grandson.  Angie's father bought her a full-size bed for Angie.  She loves her new beds, and is both proud of and grateful for her new home.   Kudos to Sleep Time for their generous contribution to helping Angie and her family create a home for themselves.  Angie cried tears of joy last night.  What a great Xmas gift. 

 

Lunch with Dan and King Tut

I took Michelle and my sister's former step-son Dan to lunch at Turnpike Pizza in Greenlake yesterday.   Dan lives 4 blocks east of Greenlake in a Sound (was Seattle) Mental Health building.  In 14 years of taking Dan to lunch, this was the first time I had ever taken a friend with me.  Dan's schizophrenia can lead to escalated levels of anxiety in new situations.  I had my concerns about how it would go with Michelle joining us for lunch.  Lunch and conversation went amazingly well.   Dan was the most comfortable, relaxed, and social that I have ever experienced with him.

After lunch, Michelle and I went to see the King Tut exhibit at the Pacific Science Center.  King Tut was one of the lesser Pharaohs of ancient Egypt.  So much lesser that he was deliberately deleted from the historical record by succeeding Pharaohs and their historians.  In the greatest archeological find ever, Howard Carter discovered Tut's tomb in 1922.  Tut was buried in a 4-room tomb with 5000 objects ranging from jewelry to other mummies to furniture.  It took ten years for Carter to record, photograph and catalog the find.

When we got home last night, Michelle put up my fake fir Christmas tree.  That was the first time in 8 years that I have had a tree up for Xmas.  It felt good to get in the spirit of the holidays. 

Then we went to the 9:30 meeting at the Alano Club.  The topic was on step two and being restored to sanity.  I get great comfort in knowing that my addiction is a form of insanity which can be treated restoring me to sanity.  There is no more succinct explanation of my (active) addiction than I am insane.  I have watched incredibly bright addicts try to explain why they are addicts using complex psychological theories and childhood issues in a tragic amalgamation of mumbo-jumbo which still fails to accurately describe the situation.

My oldest friend from childhood, Bob Warren, was diagnosed with melanoma a few weeks ago.  He was to have a tumor removed by a surgeon at the UW Medical Center.  Instead, he learned that he has stage 4 melanoma and the surgeon declined to operate.  I am going to have lunch with Bob and George tomorrow. 

This morning, I took my 1993 Cougar to the same auto repair shop I have used for the last dozen years.  Ali's Automotive does great work and is very good about communicating the state of my car with me.    My car needs several thousand dollars worth of love for master brake and suspension issues.  I have had this car for seven years.  That is the longest I have ever had one car by a couple of years.  It is also my favorite car that I ever had.  Due to how I transfer and get my wheelchair in & out of my car, newer cars are generally too small for me and so there is not a newer replacement car out there for me.  I hope to have this car for another five years.

I am grateful for the pleasant experiences I had yesterday, the security of proper mechanical maintenance done by honest mechanics and a ride home from shop—and still having enough room on my credit card to get the priority repairs completed on my car today after a prodigious relapse.  Thank you god!

Morning writing w/ more open and honest communication

Usually my gratitude writing is done at the end of my day somewhere between 11 PM and 2 AM.  Yesterday and today, I started writing in the morning after having not written the previous night.   This is a bit of an experiment in reviewing my day ahead.  It is not going well this morning.  I will try harder to write at night.

My day went well yesterday.  Went to a lunch meeting in Canyon Park in an effort to see my friend Tracy since she usually goes to that meeting.  Tracy was not there.  Her mom, Pam, was there and came up to chat for a bit.  Pam and Tracy spoke at our Gratitude Dinner two years ago as the Alanon and AA speakers, respectively.  I thought it was a great example of alcoholism being a family disease.  Other AA members thought it went poorly—they also refuse to go to Alanon to deal with the impact of others alcoholism in their family.  Tracy and her mom hit too close to home for many in that audience.

It was Michelle's first AA meeting in years.  I was happy for her in how willing she was to go to a meeting with me.  Willingness is the primary criterion for making it in recovery as in we need to be willing to go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, etc.   Her previous meetings had turned her off due to hearing too much whining about being a victim. 

The meeting topic was on patience.  Most of the sharing used driving & traffic as a good example of the need for patience.  It was funny hearing little old (80ish) ladies talk about flipping people off in traffic.  I figured I do not have an issue with lack of patience—although I quite likely might be confusing patience with sloth and procrastination.

As I sat through the meeting, I began to think that my problem with lack of patience could be a metaphor for my last relapse in that I just needed more patience to wait long enough to magically have been able to more open and honestly communicate with others.  I have been in recovery for 13.5 years.  Until the end of this last relapse, I had not learned how to consistently share honestly and meaningfully with others.  In other words, how to love and be loved with good communication between myself, god and others.  In the cold light of morning, I know that I needed the humbling of my ego to break down the walls to meaningful communication that I had built over a lifetime.  My problem was not a lack of patience, it was a lack of humility. 

I have seized more open and honest communication with all the fervor of the drowning hanging onto to a life preserver.  I am grateful for that change in my communication and for my 32 days of sobriety today.

30 days

Had 30 days of sobriety yesterday.  I am grateful for my success.  Had lunch with Philly Mark in Woodinville.  We always go to the same teriyaki place by Top Foods at 1 PM.  It is quiet and the food is good.

I don't have many men friends.  Mark and I have been sporadically meeting for lunch for 6 or 8 years.  My relationship with him is of great importance to me and at least a priority for him.  We don't have many commonalities beyond a good education, a history of depression and a desire to stay sober.  We have a good time and good conversation when we get together.

Yesterday Mark challenged me to make another male friend.  I am going to do that.  The phrase is meet for coffee.  I don't drink coffee.  There is an easy solution there somewhere such as tea (get it?  tea = solution—as in chemistry water soluble solution…  arrgghh, it was funny the first time in my head… J).

I am grateful for my 31 days and for the miraculously improved quality of my relationships with other men in my life—as a direct result of my using a more frank and open communication all the fervor of the  drowning  seizing a life preserver.

A Good Day in the Life

Today was the best day I have had in a long time.  For most people it might have been nothing special, spend time with a friend, Costco lunch & shopping, another friend, meeting, dinner at home with friend and tv with friend.  For me, that was a fantastic day in recovery.  I am incredibly grateful for my 29 days of sobriety—this day would not have happened had I been broke and depressed.

A warm place to live on a cold night

It is supposed to snow tomorrow for the first time this season.   The rain & clouds looked like snow when I was driving to Crossroads Mall this afternoon.  It was only a cold rain in the lowlands.  There was undoubtedly lots of snow in the Cascade mountains 20 miles east of Bellevue.

After meeting with Gigi and Mary at the mall, I did some grocery shopping and met Mary at the Alano Club for a meeting of CoDA (Codependents Anonymous).  Mary and I had dinner at the club during the meeting. 

It was a peculiar interaction of wanna-be helpful people that were less than completely helpful.  I use a wheelchair to get around.   The CoDA members managed to place objects in my way six times before, during and after the meeting.  One lady pulled her car up so close to the ramp while I was next to it that I had to knock on the hood of her car to get her to back up three feet. 

In the meeting room, the group leader had arranged the chairs to block my way into the room.  When I opened the door to get in, she moved her scarf.  I moved the chairs out of my way to get to the  room so I could close the door.  The inside door that led to the café was also blocked by chairs.   I moved them out of my way to the café.  When I came back, the inside door was propped open by a chair—that was in my way.  I got around that chair and made a spot for myself in the second row of a small circle of chairs so I could eat my dinner without bothering or being bothered by others sitting too close to me. 

The group leader was flummoxed by the chaos of a less than perfect circle.  She ended up rearranging chairs so as to trap me in the back of the room.  She asked if there was anything else she could do to help,  I suggested she not be so co-dependent at the CoDA meeting.  After the meeting, the leader left her chair placed in front of the outside door.  It was dysfunctionally impressive.  I have never been blocked out by fellow group members 6x in a month, much less at one 60-minute meeting. 

It was a cozy meeting with Xmas lights on the wall and electric candle on the floor in the center of the meeting space.  I felt right at home at the meeting in a way I had not felt since my first Alanon meeting 13.5 years ago.

A steak dinner, a great meeting, good fellowship, and then helping an AA member with one day of sobriety made for a great trip to the Alano Club.  Laughs with Mary made it all the better. 

I came home, put my groceries away and preemptively took out the garbage so I did not get stuck in my apt with full trash cans and snow on the ground.

I am grateful for warm supportive places to be, warm & loving friends and a warm place to live.   My cats are also warm, loving and friendly cats.  It is a good night.

A Power Greater Than Myself

I get paid on the 3rd and 15th of each month.  The 15th falls on a Saturday this month, so I got paid on Friday the 14th.  I had paid the credit card bill linked to my new checking account at US Bank by 6 AM as a safety precaution to avoid spending all my money smoking crack.   I still had enough money to go on a binge of addiction and could not stop thinking about using throughout the day.

I made phone calls to friends in the program and went to two meetings tonight.  I heard enough and spent enough time at the Alano Club of the Eastside to stay sober one more day.  My own best thinking would have had me broke and depressed by now.  It was the first time I had been to the Alano Club this year.  It is  located 10 blocks due north of my apartment and is about 5 minute drive door-to-door.  I will go there more often in the future.

My addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.  It spent the day trying to persuade that smoking crack would be an entertaining way to spend the day and that the consequences would have little downside.  The reality is that I have a fatal progressive disease.  It has been since last March that I had 26 days of sobriety.

It is 2 AM Saturday morning, that makes 27 days now.  I am grateful for my continuous sobriety.  It took a power greater than myself to keep me sober today.  Now I will go to bed, read my Kindle and get some sleep.  When I wake up I will focus on staying sober, once again, one day at a time.

Volunteering at the Washington State Reformatory

One the second Thursday of the month, I volunteer at the WSR in Monroe.  We attend a 12-step recovery meeting led by inmates.  Next month will be 12 years of volunteering at the WSR.  I get more out of this service work than I put into it—it makes my life much better every time I go and really helps me to be grateful for what I have.

Tonight, Leslee and I drove out to the WSR with two boxes of 12-step books worth $300 that was contributed by the local recovery fellowship.  Unfortunately the meeting was canceled due to a staff training night.   I+ called the liaison volunteer Jasper and arranged to meet him to give him the literature.  It was like a photographic negative of a drug deal.  We waited in the parking lot of a gas station for 15 minutes, made our transaction by giving Jasper the books and then drove off with no money. 

Instead of using to get high, Leslee and  got high on life and our ability to help others while enjoying each other's company.  Leslee has been a very good friend to me for years and I am grateful to have her in my life.

A quick CAT scan + talking with others at UWMC

Went to the U of Washington Medical Center (UWMC) for a CAT scan today.  Got in at 10:47 and was done by 11:05.  Took a couple hours of hanging out to get the results from the doctor.  While waiting I had lunch chatting with the new father next to me that was there to support his wife and premie baby that was born 6 weeks early.  After lunch, I saw a recovery friend in the hallway and talked with him for 30 minutes about the siren call of active addiction and how to avoid getting sucked back in.  This was the most social trip I have ever made to a hospital for a procedure.

I am working on improving my relationships with others by being present in the moment.   I am grateful for the improvement in the depth of my interactions with others.

Relapse and Recovery

I had relapse last March that took me back to months of active addiction.  One of the first things I gave up during my using was writing about Gratitude Blog.  Low bottom addicts focus solely on getting more drugs and ways to get more drugs.  Once they have more drugs, the majority are still incredibly unhappy.  Their conversations are limited to bad shit that has happened to themselves and other people.

The new ways of thinking that had become habits while writing about gratitude quite likely saved my life.  I refused to focus on the negative and remained focused on the positive events in my life—even if that was only the short-lived high from smoking crack cocaine.  That focus enabled me to continue going to AA meetings and eventually find sobriety again.  Today I have 20 days clean and sober.  That is a god-given miracle that I could not achieve on my own.

Until last summer, in my entire life I have never had a girlfriend that was an addict/alcoholic.  I met a lady named Lea that I fell in love with.  Lea is one of the smartest, kindest, most loving people I have ever met.  She was also very pretty with an attractive slim figure.  After a couple of dates, she stayed with me for ten weeks.  I learned a lot from Lea and am very grateful for having had her in my life.

Lea was addicted to IV heroin and would get dope-sick if she did not use heroin every day.  I used to think I was the most self-destructive person I knew.  I now know that there are many people vastly more self-destructive on a daily basis than I ever thought about being.  For example, her teeth went from being in good shape to needing to have them all pulled and replaced with dentures in the last two years.   Even with multiple tooth infections that were insanely painful and could not be treated with narcotics due to her heroin addiction, she is so messed-up (from issues of self-esteem and asking others for help) that she can't even call the free dental clinic to get the painful remainder of what is left of her teeth pulled.

Lea has been gone for ten weeks now.  I still think (obsess?) about her multiple times a day.  I both miss her and am glad she is out of my life.  I would not have been able to get sober with her still around.  Part of my missing her is that I did really like her.  Another part of missing her is my cunning baffling and powerful addiction trying to find a way to trick me into using again by finding a way to get Lea to spend more time with me.

There was a downside to having Lea in my life.  I spent thousands of dollars buying her heroin (she left the day I stopped buying her heroin**). In some respects that was a blessing in disguise because I would have otherwise spent the money smoking more crack becoming even more addicted. 

I had not had a girlfriend in eleven years.  My fears of rejection and loss along with my insecurities exacerbated by paraplegia prevented me from being available for a relationship.  I know now that I really want a girlfriend and am willing to go to any length to maintain my sobriety and be available for a relationship with a significant other.

One huge blessing I got during my relapse was deciding to no longer be a victim full of self-pity.  It was not so much a deliberate choice on my part as it was a god-given new found level of maturity.  I am responsible for my own life as it is from here on out.  Things will happen beyond my control.  How I respond to those events is what will transform me from a victim full of self-pity into being a survivor living a life that is happy, joyous and free.

I am grateful for my life, financial security, and friends in recovery.


**Lea did try to quit using heroin for 4 days by substituting other drugs such as Xanex and Subutex.  It was like watching a balloon deflate when she quit trying to stop using--she lost her courage and was overwhelmed by fear in the space of a tragic moment.