Morning writing w/ more open and honest communication

Usually my gratitude writing is done at the end of my day somewhere between 11 PM and 2 AM.  Yesterday and today, I started writing in the morning after having not written the previous night.   This is a bit of an experiment in reviewing my day ahead.  It is not going well this morning.  I will try harder to write at night.

My day went well yesterday.  Went to a lunch meeting in Canyon Park in an effort to see my friend Tracy since she usually goes to that meeting.  Tracy was not there.  Her mom, Pam, was there and came up to chat for a bit.  Pam and Tracy spoke at our Gratitude Dinner two years ago as the Alanon and AA speakers, respectively.  I thought it was a great example of alcoholism being a family disease.  Other AA members thought it went poorly—they also refuse to go to Alanon to deal with the impact of others alcoholism in their family.  Tracy and her mom hit too close to home for many in that audience.

It was Michelle's first AA meeting in years.  I was happy for her in how willing she was to go to a meeting with me.  Willingness is the primary criterion for making it in recovery as in we need to be willing to go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, etc.   Her previous meetings had turned her off due to hearing too much whining about being a victim. 

The meeting topic was on patience.  Most of the sharing used driving & traffic as a good example of the need for patience.  It was funny hearing little old (80ish) ladies talk about flipping people off in traffic.  I figured I do not have an issue with lack of patience—although I quite likely might be confusing patience with sloth and procrastination.

As I sat through the meeting, I began to think that my problem with lack of patience could be a metaphor for my last relapse in that I just needed more patience to wait long enough to magically have been able to more open and honestly communicate with others.  I have been in recovery for 13.5 years.  Until the end of this last relapse, I had not learned how to consistently share honestly and meaningfully with others.  In other words, how to love and be loved with good communication between myself, god and others.  In the cold light of morning, I know that I needed the humbling of my ego to break down the walls to meaningful communication that I had built over a lifetime.  My problem was not a lack of patience, it was a lack of humility. 

I have seized more open and honest communication with all the fervor of the drowning hanging onto to a life preserver.  I am grateful for that change in my communication and for my 32 days of sobriety today.