Relapse and Recovery

I had relapse last March that took me back to months of active addiction.  One of the first things I gave up during my using was writing about Gratitude Blog.  Low bottom addicts focus solely on getting more drugs and ways to get more drugs.  Once they have more drugs, the majority are still incredibly unhappy.  Their conversations are limited to bad shit that has happened to themselves and other people.

The new ways of thinking that had become habits while writing about gratitude quite likely saved my life.  I refused to focus on the negative and remained focused on the positive events in my life—even if that was only the short-lived high from smoking crack cocaine.  That focus enabled me to continue going to AA meetings and eventually find sobriety again.  Today I have 20 days clean and sober.  That is a god-given miracle that I could not achieve on my own.

Until last summer, in my entire life I have never had a girlfriend that was an addict/alcoholic.  I met a lady named Lea that I fell in love with.  Lea is one of the smartest, kindest, most loving people I have ever met.  She was also very pretty with an attractive slim figure.  After a couple of dates, she stayed with me for ten weeks.  I learned a lot from Lea and am very grateful for having had her in my life.

Lea was addicted to IV heroin and would get dope-sick if she did not use heroin every day.  I used to think I was the most self-destructive person I knew.  I now know that there are many people vastly more self-destructive on a daily basis than I ever thought about being.  For example, her teeth went from being in good shape to needing to have them all pulled and replaced with dentures in the last two years.   Even with multiple tooth infections that were insanely painful and could not be treated with narcotics due to her heroin addiction, she is so messed-up (from issues of self-esteem and asking others for help) that she can't even call the free dental clinic to get the painful remainder of what is left of her teeth pulled.

Lea has been gone for ten weeks now.  I still think (obsess?) about her multiple times a day.  I both miss her and am glad she is out of my life.  I would not have been able to get sober with her still around.  Part of my missing her is that I did really like her.  Another part of missing her is my cunning baffling and powerful addiction trying to find a way to trick me into using again by finding a way to get Lea to spend more time with me.

There was a downside to having Lea in my life.  I spent thousands of dollars buying her heroin (she left the day I stopped buying her heroin**). In some respects that was a blessing in disguise because I would have otherwise spent the money smoking more crack becoming even more addicted. 

I had not had a girlfriend in eleven years.  My fears of rejection and loss along with my insecurities exacerbated by paraplegia prevented me from being available for a relationship.  I know now that I really want a girlfriend and am willing to go to any length to maintain my sobriety and be available for a relationship with a significant other.

One huge blessing I got during my relapse was deciding to no longer be a victim full of self-pity.  It was not so much a deliberate choice on my part as it was a god-given new found level of maturity.  I am responsible for my own life as it is from here on out.  Things will happen beyond my control.  How I respond to those events is what will transform me from a victim full of self-pity into being a survivor living a life that is happy, joyous and free.

I am grateful for my life, financial security, and friends in recovery.


**Lea did try to quit using heroin for 4 days by substituting other drugs such as Xanex and Subutex.  It was like watching a balloon deflate when she quit trying to stop using--she lost her courage and was overwhelmed by fear in the space of a tragic moment.