Happy New Year!

Soon it will be 2015.  This year was not my happiest year, however great progress was towards being happier and more serene. 

Previously I had been pleasantly surprised to outlive others my age such as Michael Jackson.  This month I lost two of the best friends I ever had.  Not as pleasant.  RIP Bob and Joy.  I am a better person for having had you in my life.

Today was Martha’s last day as the Wednesday meeting secretary.  She had served for longer than we had been going to that meeting.  We got to have a grand goodbye in that it was planned and she will not be joining us due to a changing work schedule.  We got her a card, a Flowers of the Alano Club calendar, a coffee mug, and brought bagels as a homage for 100+ days/weeks of her bringing snacks to the Wednesday meeting.  It was a really nice send-off to end the year and her celebrate her service work.

With 359 posts this year, it was tempting to go for 365 for that 1.0 posts per day average.  The downside was that I would be writing for the wrong reason. It was suggested that I could post every day until March 15^th to achieve a year with a 1.0 average.  That seems like a good idea now.  The plan is to go for another 75 days in a row.

Writing about gratitude every day has a known downside of becoming too familiar.  Some posts have been mighty short lately.  What is new behavior is my doing things on a consistent basis because they are good for me.

The closest thing I have to a New Year’s resolution is to eat less sugar, fewer calories, more veggies and try to swim three times a week.

I am grateful for my successes this year and for the losses that serve as contrast for the good in my life today.  One day at a time, I am doing okay and getting older!

 Happy New Year!

RIP Joy S.

My good friend Joy died at her home in Walla Walla this morning.  From sparse details, it is my guess that it was a massive heart attack.   

It is great that I got to spend two days with her before Xmas.   She will be missed.  Joy was the most successful long-distance friendship in my life.   She moved 8 years ago and we talked by phone at least once a month for the last two years.

Joy was one of the kindest most courageous people I have known in my life.  She was loved by a large group of friends, admirers and fellow trudgers.  Vaya con Dios.

I am grateful for my friendship with Joy and for having spent two days with her earlier this month.  Special thanks to her friend Karen for making it happen and letting me know of Joy’s passing.

A Few 2014 Highlights

The US has deemed the war in Afghanistan over.  We now only have 11,000 “peacekeepers” (or whatever the current Orwellian term for army guys with guns in a foreign country is) staying there to help the Afghan police.    It was awkward for the peacekeepers whenthe Afghan police killed a US Major General.

Oil is at its lowest price in years and looks to be staying there for some time while Saudi Arabia crushes both the Russians and the frackers simultaneously in an amazing two-fer.

The Seattle Seahawks won the Superbowl in convincing fashion over the Denver Broncos giving Seattle its first championship team in decades.

The US economy continues to recovery generating millions of jobs this year.  Seattle has some of the lowest unemployment in the country.

I used once this year and have been sober for 302 days.  I have used twice in the last 26 months.  It is not perfect, but vastly preferable to how the average addict/alcoholic is doing.

I have taken action to be a happier person by deliberately practicing kindness, generosity and working doing a better job being of service to others.  While suffering more depression than usual, I also have better tools to work my way through to happier days being useful to others.

I have been more helpful to more people in a meaningful one-on-one sort of way than ever before in my life.

It was the warmest year on record in Seattle.  That made for nice weather and the biggest forest fire in Washington State history.

There is a lot of yin (shady side) to the yang (sunny side) of these highlight events—at least in the way I think about them and describe them here.  Few things in my life are all good or all bad.  Mostly they just are…things.

I wrote in this Gratitude blog every day but for when I was using.  That certainly makes my periods of relapse clear and is a very pleasant surprise to see how diligent my Gratitude blog writing has been.  It is one of the most consistent actions I have ever done in my life.  It has changed my thinking for the better.

I am grateful for the highlights of 2014.  It has been a good year.

Being Kinder

Still working on being kind.  I am a lot more kind than how I used to be.  I have an undesirable way of being taciturn when “sure, I would be glad to do that” would work a lot better.

I am grateful to act a lot more kind than how I used to be.  I always wanted to be a kind and loving person, I just did not know how.

A Christmas Birthday

My friend George’s birthday is on Christmas Day.  He was 42 years old before he had a birthday party instead of a Christmas event where he might have heard  “happy birthday” several times.  I called him on Xmas to wish him a happy birthday.  My call went to vmail, but we did talk today.

George had been a really good friend to me and I am grateful for my relationship with him.  Happy birthday George.  We will get-together later this week.

Babysitting Jayse

Danica spent the night last night and had to go to Seattle for an appointment this morning.  Jayse come along to our morning meeting with us while Lea was babysitting him.  He was quiet at the meeting between eating sweet potatoes and napping.  We stayed for an extra meeting and it all went really well.  It was his first time back at the meeting since before he was born.  It went well.

The meeting secretary was not there.  I was already going to chair the meeting with the topic de jour.  We had a great meeting on the day after Xmas.   None of us had a perfect Xmas.  All of us had a better Xmas than we would have had if still using and a much better one than the usual Xmas.

I am grateful that we are able to be of service to others today.

A Good Christmas

Lea woke me up a few minutes early this Xmas morning to check out my Xmas stocking stuffers before we did our morning readings and meditation.  Got a Seahawks hat, a charm shaped like football helmet for the review mirror in my car and some chocolates.

Made myself a breakfast sandwich of two eggs with Canadian bacon on an English muffin and then it was time for our morning meeting.  After that, it was an extra Xmas meeting during the “Alcathon” which are back-to-back meetings before, during and after a holiday.

We came home to a light lunch and then opened presents.   Finished watching the Scrooge which is the 1951 movie of A Christmas Carol.   Not much for B&W movies, but it was good to check out a classic for something different.

After a nap, it was time for our Xmas dinner with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, bean casserole, flakey biscuits, and fruit salad.  Michelle did a great job of making dinner and setting the table.

We chatted, cleaned up, read for awhile and then Danica came over with Jayse at 9 PM.   We opened some more presents, took pictures and laughed.

Michelle said it was the best Xmas ever.  It was her first sober Xmas in 9 years.  Lea had a good day.  It was the first time in my life having a real Xmas with presents and dinner at “my” house.  Kinda scary but went really really well.

I am grateful for a sober Xmas at home with a turkey dinner, nice presents and no insanity that went really well.  Thank you god.

The Tyranny Of Expectations

Emotionally it has been a rough couple weeks for me.  A major source of my pain is due to bizarre expectations of a life that never was and never will be.  I am somehow feeling a sense of loss and disappointment from not having an idealized Norman Rockwell Christmas gathering with family and friends. 

Two of my three siblings died when I was a teenager.  That was 40 years ago.  We never had a big family gathering with nieces and nephews and such going on.  I would not like if we did since it would be way too much noise and drama for me.

My biggest problem is not living in the present moment.  Right now, I have two loving cats, a beautiful Xmas tree with lots of presents under it and a Xmas turkey in the fridge.  I am sober with money in the bank and have paid off most of my bills from the wreckage of my relapse from two years ago.   My life is okay and yet I feel like I need to escape.  What I need to do is live the life I have and stop pining for a life that never was—even if I had that life, it would not make me happy.

I will continue to take further action to live a happier life with more socializing and physical activities.

I am grateful to know that this too shall pass, that I don’t have to use drugs to change how I feel today and for the hope of a better tomorrow with a lot less baggage from insane expectations.

Longer Days

The shortest light-day of the year was 8:25:33 on the solstice, 12/21.  Christmas will be 40 seconds longer than that.  By the end of the on 12/31, daylight will be well over 4 minutes longer at 8:29:48!

The earth’s elleptical orbit around the sun works out so that we are closer to the sun during the winters and further away during the summers in the Northern Hemisphere.  That makes for both milder winters and summers.

This year has been the warmest year on record in Seattle with an average temperature of just over 55° F.

I am grateful for relatively mild warmer weather with longer days.

Holiday Spirit

It is after midnight on the 22^nd.  Xmas Eve is now the day after tomorrow.  The nice tree that I had for a dozen years is up and looking good in the corner.  Lea, Michelle and I had a delicious brunch with Sandy at The Original Pancake House in Kirkland today.  Sandy had gifts for all of us.  I want to get her an “experience” for Xmas this year such as a trip to Portland or Leavenworth.  With a passport, it would be a trip to Victoria or Vancouver.

Mike M brought a big box of See’s candy by our morning meeting today.  It was a gift from a friend.  He did not want to have lying open at his home for obvious reasons.  We will meet at the mall tomorrow to continue our discussions on the AA book Spiritual Awakenings and general socializing.

If Michelle makes it three more days, it will be her first sober Xmas in 11 years.  It will be the second year in a row for me and Lea.  That is a long term relationship for me.   Greg is closing in on 14 months for the first time in a decade or so.  Good friends who know me have been a vital part of making it to where I am at today physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Me, Lea, Michelle, Danica and baby Jayse plan to have a simply Xmas dinner together in the late afternoon of Xmas Day. Danica will spend Xmas Eve and morning with her mother in Tacoma.  It will be nice.

I am grateful for the life I have today.  It is better than the realistic alternatives that I have with my own best thinking.  God bless us all.

Seahawks Win Big Over AZ Cardinals

The Seahawks won big over the Arizona Cardinals tonight in a 35-6 shellacking that was not that close.  It is rare and wonderful to have winning sports team in Seattle.  They went from a barely winning 6-4 to a dominating 11-4 record by winning the last five games with great defense and a franchise record 598 yard offensive deluge tonight.

I am grateful to have a local sports team that is winning in impressive fashion on national TV.

A Heavy Winter Coat

My friend Joy moved to Walla Walla 6-ish years ago.  She got hit by a drunk driver 12 years ago causing a BK amputation of her left left, profound head injuries and breaking bones in her face.  She was one day away from having 10 years sobriety at the time.  With all that trauma, she relapsed for two years and made it back.  She now has ten+ years of sobriety that is financially challenged while living on SSI.

The winters are mighty cold (and the summers are hot) relative to Western Washington. I got her a nice coat from REI serveral years ago. It worked great. Age and mobility limitations have conspired to make that coat too small. Nothing at Bellevue Square fit her needs. I bought her a coat on Amazon that came on Thursday. We meet for lunch at Factoria today. The new coat was much much smaller than the listed size. My backup plan was to give her my heavy winter coat that I wear about three times a year. It is a little long in the sleeves, but otherwise a reasonably good fit. It is a nice warm heavy long coat that should work well for her. She was grateful and relieved to get such a nice warm coat that was a good fit. My plan is to not spend much time outside on those three really cold days this winter (like I did anyways).

I am a much kinder person this year than I was ever able to be before in my life.  I always wanted to be kind  I truly did not know how to manifest kind behavior in my life.  Part of being kind is letting go of how I “should be” and showing up how I want to be.  It is a work in progress with fits and starts.  I still badly confuse sarcasm for wit—albeit a lot less than how it used to be.

I am grateful have the resources to be able to help others that are less fortunate or just need help like giving Greg a ride home from the airport tonight.  It feels much better to be kind than standoffishly cruel and unhelpful like how I used to be.

Soon To Be Christmas

It is five days to Christmas Eve.  Lea opened one present last night that was still in the Amazon box.  It was a large umbrella.  Actually, the umbrella was a huge ‘golf’ umbrella.  The weather forecast is for several inches of rain in the next week.  I am not much for wrapping presents.  It all started when she gave me two presents, books by the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh (a Vietnamese Budhist monk) that she did not feel like wrapping.  It was fun.

Went to my GP again today, had her laughing over the holiday blues by saying “for the baby Jesus” after every sentence.  It was funny.  After several tests of not having enough anticoagulant in my blood, today I had too much.  On the average, it is just about perfect.  According to her, averages are not good enough.

I am grateful for the joy of the Xmas season.  It is especially good following the winter solstice on 12/21.  I look forward to the days getting longer. 

Sick Day

Had an infection with a slight fever today resulting in a rare headache this afternoon.  I am fortunate to be able to take the day off when feeling sick.  Two antibiotics and spending most of my day in bed has left me feeling much better.  I missed out on swimming with Eric and running a few other errands.

I am grateful to have the free time to take the day off when feeling poorly and for the miraculous healing power of rest and antibiotics.

Kindness

I am working diligently at being kinder to all.  A primary goal in my life is to be kind and loving.  That mandates overcoming my standoffish veneer that I have spent a lifetime polishing like it was a treasure to be guarded at all costs.  In reality, it precluded good relationships on a large scale.

Today I was kind to a stranger by letting a lady, who was likely stressed by holiday shopping, that had just stuffed her SUV with Xmas gifts that she had an electric cord hanging out the tailgate of her sleigh.  She blew me a kiss across the parking lot. 

Sometimes just keeping my mouth shut is the best kindness I can do at the time.  I wanted to commend another lady with an SUV for having gotten 2 of her 4 wheels inside the parking stripes after she parked so close to a compact car they could barely get in the door. SUV drivers with cars that are too big for them to maneuver are a pet peeve of mine.  WTF?  Get smaller car.    Saying nothing was good. 

It may have taken me 55 years to realize how important it is to be kind to others as a way of building relationships, but I am grateful for the progress I have made.

A Joy-ful Reunion

My good friend Joy moved to Walla Walla 5 years ago.   She flew over to visit this week.   We went to a meeting and lunch yesterday at Bellevue Square.   It was a nice visit.  She is doing really well.

It is new behavior for me to continue a relationship on such a high level as I have done with Joy since she moved across the state.  It is something I always wanted to be able to do.  Now I have more tools and desire to keep relationships alive.

I am grateful for the love and support I get from friends like Joy.

Is For Those That Want It…

Been working up to a rant about the following for years so here you go.  Certain members at meetings will say “AA is for those that want it, not those that need it.”  For me, that is complete BS.  I have yet to see an alcoholic get and stay sober by “wanting it”.  AA is a program of action for those that do it.

I am grateful to be able to take what I like and leave the rest, or rant about it now and then.

The Heat Is On

Normally the heat is on in my apartment from November until April.  Last week with the record high temperatures for Seattle, I had the heat off for a week.  It is back on now with the nights down to the low to mid 30s this week.

Went to the Northlake Unitarian Church service this morning for their Christmas service and Xmas craft fair.   It was like going to “Church, the musical” with much singing and carolling by a large combined choir.  Bought a few crafts and had a nice time at the service with Danica.

I am grateful for the unseasonably warm weather last week, a gorgeous sunny day today and for having a nice heated apartment in a great location to call home.

One Day At A Time

Had a rough day inside my head today.  Rode it out, went to a meeting tonight, talked with others and now I feel better. 

I am grateful for how 12-step programs teach me to live one day at a time.  Today was good enough and tomorrow will be better.

A Funeral For A Friend

There was a memorial service for my friend Bob today.  I did not go.  I feel bad about that even though it was a decision I chose to make at the time.  My family is not big on celebrating the dead nor honoring their lives.  I will honor my friendship with Bob, his life and demise in time in my own way. 

I am a Pisces by birth and nature seeing two sides of every issue.  It makes me even-keeled, ambivalent and somewhat schizophrenic in that split personality sort of way.  I know I want to have better relationships with others in my life and I don’t go to a gathering of my friend’s friends that I have known since childhood.  I feel a sadness and sense of loss reminding me of my teenage angst about relationships.

Today is Michelle’s 47^th birthday.  We celebrated with a cake made by Lea at our morning meeting.  The cake was delicious and the meeting went well.  I am glad she is sober and wish her well.  She skippped her mental health support group and meeting with her sponsor this week.  Trying to help her get social services, make a resume or even learn how to use Google better have all resulted in hostile communication on her part—that was even after I wanted for her to ask for help.  I don’t know how to reach her.  It seems like the best thing I can do at this time is “not much”.  I hope she continues to be sober and change her ways before she goes back out.  Her sanity is in a footrace between sobriety and dying a using death.  Sad to watch, but I am glad it is not me.  It does not have to be that painful.

I am grateful to be reasonably okay with life on life’s terms and not in chaotic heinous pain that I can only fix by using.  Sobriety is not always great, but it is always better than the incomprehensible demoralization of using.

Road Trip With Friends of Bill

“Friends of Bill” is a discreet term for AA members seeking a meeting in transitory situations such as on a cruise ship.  Went to the WA State Reformatory meeting tonight with three other friends of Bill.  The conversation on the way to and from the meeting is a huge part of the event.  For years, I drove out by myself.  Having three others in the car was very kind and loving.

I am grateful for my friends in recovery and for all the friends of Bill that make meetings happen by showing up.

A SAD Mid-December Heat Wave

The Puget Sound area enjoyed a record high temperature of 66° today as part of a powerful windstorm.  I really like the warmer weather, but the short period of daylight with the sun really low in the sky at near 20 degrees above the horizon.

I am feeling SAD today.   Laid around reading my Kindle, watching TV and napping. Hopefully, there is a large part of the winter blues with that.  Daylight will change from shrinking to increasing on after the winter solstice on December 21^st.

I talked with George about going to Bob’s funeral on Friday.  That will be bittersweet.  It will be good to see old friends and sad to say goodbye to Bob.  He was a good guy and a nice person.

I am grateful to be alive and sober today. My winter blues will go away soon.

Showing Up

I am feeling a bit out of sorts about my Gratitude blog writing.  There is much to be grateful for.  When thinking about what to write about, topics are that come to mind are not sticking out as the “one” to write about.  I know that writing about gratitude on a daily basis has changed my brain to see the world in a variety of better ways.  I am more optimistic, resiliant, hopeful and grateful for what I do have.  That makes for a huge improvement in the quality of my life with no other change in living conditions.

While meeting at the mall today, we talked about the benefits of simply showing up for class in the case of Charlie’s students.  To the best of my knowledge, attendance is the #1 correlation between school and grades.  Simply showing up is a huge part of life.

I am grateful to show up sober in my life today.  Sure, there is a lot more I could do.  I need to always remember that showing up sober is good enough for today.  Everything is a bonus.

  

The 14th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso

Just started reading An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life by the Dalai Lama. 

Compassion-sympathy for the suffering of others and the desire to free them from it-is wrestled with in all spiritual traditions. Yet how does one actually become a compassionate person? What are the mechanisms by which a selfish heart is transformed into a generous heart? In this acclaimed bestseller, His Holiness the Dalai Lama writes simply and powerfully about the everyday Buddhist practice of compassion, offering a clear, practical, inspiring introduction to the Buddhist path to enlightenment.

The Dalai Lama is one of my favorite living world leaders.  His teachings, courage, kindness and intellectual curiosity are all off the charts.  I can’t think of another head of religion that meets regularly with scientists to find and discuss common ground between their religion and science.

I admire, respect and am grateful to the 14^th Dalai Lama and the difference he has made in our world.  He is a role model for all people, much less religious and political leaders.

Newcomers

Gave 2 new people a ride to my homegroup tonight.

I am grateful to be of service to others.  It was good for all thee of us.

College Football

I watched more college football on TV this year than ever before.  It was a great season.  For the first time ever there will be a four team playoff to determine the national championship.  It will be glorious!

Conference champions used to be determined by won-loss records.  Now they have two divisions in each of the major conferences with a championship game.  Today was championship game day.  Nothing but good teams playing other good teams to determine the best teams.  Four of the very best teams will be invited into the playoffs.  Teams not invited will play in the other traditional college football bowl games in late December and on New Years Day.

For years, most college football games were on cable TV and not on broadcast TV precluding my watching them.  This year I found a way to watch regular season and bowl games over the web via an inexpensive subscription service for less than the price of a month of cable TV.

I am grateful for the pageantry of college football, great games and the optimism of youth to be enjoyed while watching great young “amateur” athletes play their hearts out.

A Nine Month Miracle

Lea and I have nine months of sobriety today.  That beats her second-best effort by 6 months.  It is an miracle of the first order for any addict to get and stay sober.  She has made a fantastic amount of progress from when she walked off 26 months ago in October 2012 in her “Lucy” mode with a determined quest to get heroin to incomprehensible demoralization on January 1^st, 2013 to being a sober woman attending meetings seven days a week.

Lea has hands-down the best attendance at our morning meeting over the last 21 months since she started methadone.  She has made it 10 or 20 times more than the next best attendee—me—not making it due to snow, sloth, swimming or other.  Back then she could not even tell how she was feeling, much less articulate it.  Today she was laughing at herself while saying she was in a bad mood.

I have spent more time with Lea than anyone else since I was a baby.  Even then I suspect I did not spend that much time with my mother.  We are good for each other, good friends and our lives are better for having each other in it.

I am grateful for our sobriety, my friendship with Lea and the progress we each have made in becoming happier healthier people with improved relationships.  We have worked really really hard to make this progress.  It is something to be proud of and grateful for.  Thank you god.

Blocked, Balking, or Procrastination?

Have been trying to write for an hour to no avail.   I am not having any major new problem, just not coming up with the juice to write. During this time, George called to let me know the service for Bob will be next Friday in Kent. 

I am grateful to at least place a post on my Gratitude blog.  It is okay to not be insightful every night.

Online Literacy

Since going online with my 300 baud acoustic modem 30 years ago, I looked forward to an online utopia with easy searching for information and shopping.  The advent of Google was a quantum leap forward that Yahoo missed back in the early days of the web.  Amazon Prime provides a wonderful price baseline, free 2-day shipping and a safe place for online transactions.

Social media does little for me, but I am aware there is such a thing that many people use via Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and so on.

Spent some time with a man 15 years my junior today that did not shop on Amazon, price check on Google or get books online from the greatest library system in the history of the world (King County Library System – KCLS).  He wanted to buy basic flip-flops to use as shower sandals when we went swimming and a book on edible native plants.  Flip-flops not a big seller in our Northwest winters.  Browsing Half-Price Books for foraging books got bupkis.  Amazon found flip-flops and foraging books faster than I could get in my car, much less drive to a local store.

Working with others gets me out of myself and helps me better appreciate what I do have.  I am grateful for my online literacy and the wonders of the digital world.

Feeling Grumpy

Spent parts of today feeling grumpy for unknown reasons.  Slept a little weird last night being awake from 4 to 7 reading my Kindle.   I have been intermittently grumpy for the last couple of weeks.  In a sense, it does not matter why.  What matters is taking action so that I feel better.

I am concerned about Michelle.  She does well with AA for a couple of months and then gets religious, shortly thereafter she goes back out.  Seeing that pattern happen again.  I hope she does not go out again.  This is the last time I will try to help her.  That will break that pattern.

I am grateful for the knowledge that my grumpiness will pass sooner than later with right action.

Tired After A Good Swim

Swam for an hour tonight.  That felt great after ten days without a swim.  I was really missing my exercise after a month of gratitude and Thanksgiving meals.  I am tired now and ready for bed.

I am grateful for a warm pool with a lift so I can easily get out of the pool after my swim.