Emotionally it has been a rough couple weeks for me. A major source of my pain is due to bizarre expectations
of a life that never was and never will be.
I am somehow feeling a sense of loss and disappointment from not having
an idealized Norman Rockwell
Christmas gathering with family and friends.
Two of my three siblings died when I was a teenager. That was 40 years ago. We never had a big family gathering with nieces
and nephews and such going on. I would
not like if we did since it would be way too much noise and drama for me.
My biggest problem is not living in the present moment. Right now, I have two loving cats, a
beautiful Xmas tree with lots of presents under it and a Xmas turkey in the
fridge. I am sober with money in the
bank and have paid off most of my bills from the wreckage of my relapse from
two years ago. My life is okay and yet I feel like I need to
escape. What I need to do is live the
life I have and stop pining for a life that never was—even if I had that life,
it would not make me happy.
I will continue to take further action to live a happier life with more
socializing and physical activities.
I am grateful to know that this too shall pass, that I don’t have to
use drugs to change how I feel today and for the hope of a better tomorrow with
a lot less baggage from insane expectations.
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