There was a memorial service for my friend Bob today. I did not go.
I feel bad about that even though it was a decision I chose to make at
the time. My family is not big on
celebrating the dead nor honoring their lives.
I will honor my friendship with Bob, his life and demise in time in my
own way.
I am a Pisces by birth and nature seeing two sides of every issue. It makes me even-keeled, ambivalent and
somewhat schizophrenic in that split personality sort of way. I know I want to have better relationships
with others in my life and I don’t go to a gathering of my friend’s friends
that I have known since childhood. I
feel a sadness and sense of loss reminding me of my teenage angst about
relationships.
Today is Michelle’s 47th birthday. We celebrated with a cake made by Lea at our
morning meeting. The cake was delicious
and the meeting went well. I am glad she
is sober and wish her well. She skippped
her mental health support group and meeting with her sponsor this week. Trying to help her get social services, make
a resume or even learn how to use Google better have all resulted in hostile
communication on her part—that was even after I wanted for her to ask for
help. I don’t know how to reach
her. It seems like the best thing I can
do at this time is “not much”. I hope
she continues to be sober and change her ways before she goes back out. Her sanity is in a footrace between sobriety
and dying a using death. Sad to watch,
but I am glad it is not me. It does not
have to be that painful.
I am grateful to be reasonably okay with life on life’s terms and not
in chaotic heinous pain that I can only fix by using. Sobriety is not always great, but it is
always better than the incomprehensible demoralization of using.
I tried to e-mail you yesterday but my e-mail never got printed..I don't do funerals at all except my Mom when I was a wee one and a lady who treated me like her daughter in 1993 and in 2000 my mother in law who passed near Christmas 2000 Jewish at the grave site only...I think one should remember the person alive and happy, not in a casket and not looking like the person they actually were, scared the living hell out of me my Mom she never looked like that, I wanted to jump in the casket to get her out I was young, my dad nearly punched the funeral director over a comment about money and boom shakala I thought this is it full of shit service, even though my Mom was a devoted roman catholic I thought the funeral at the funeral home was so horrible I vowed unless I absolutely had to do the speech as I called it Iwould never do it again I had to do for the lady who was so kind and loving to me to send her off to wherever we go she was deeply religious and lived until 100 AND I HAD TO MAKE SURE THE funeral home did not scew her service up she paid for it about 50 years before she ever needed it, wow whee...I think one should hold the people in their hearts and minds and never attend a funeral service, honor the deceased by living one's life in tribute to the decedent, and not give the funeral business one damn dime...I could have turned to alcohol after all the funerals I was forced to attend to while growing up my Mom helped at the services and the receptions, I hated it then and vowed I would not be forced to go to them, the Mortuary people their oldest daughter was my best friend and I knew they made a bundle she hated being the daughter of the owners and left the roman church toooooo...My Mother was a Pisces two fishes and myself a Gemini two people, so I know of where you speak of two things left and right..Just hang in there and keep sober and happy let others do the funerals, keep the person you cared about in your heart and mind and honor them with kindness and love and sobriety and help those you do with your blog and going to AA meetings it will bode you so well I can tell you it will..I come from a long family of alcoholics and drug people I never have participated choosing a path of life high on love and happiness. My hubs of over 40 years is sober and clean never used he is the oldest of a big family of drinkers and drug people, he never took the plunge, that is one of the reasons I so love and adore him after over 40 years! Your blog helps people daily I read it as often as I can you are to be admired it Is not easy with all the things people do to get people back in the life, and it dreadful a one way ticket in my opinion to hell on this earth or whatever hell is on earth...Keep up your admirable sobriety and your blog, don't get blue everyone does, holidays are horrible for me, my Mom got sick at Christmas and was gone not too long after that, I thought all that church, praying and helping and loving others and God did not spare her, why why and more why but it happens, just remember it WILL PASS, happy Hanukkah and happy and healthy 2014.....
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