Better Late Than Never
I missed writing my Gratitude blog post last night. In a completely unrelated web activity, I
did take the time to confirm that “a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of
little minds” is a quote from RW Emerson.
Writing about people and events I am grateful for every day has changed
my brain to be a bit more hardwired for happiness. That helps me overcome my chronic
depression. Swimming also helps my
depression. I am a lot more consistent
in my writing than in my swimming. I
swam once in the last week and wrote every day.
It is a lot easier to get to the keyboard than the pool.
I am grateful for consistently writing my Gratitude blog.
One Last Meeting At The Congregational Church
The Steppin Up AA group has
been meeting at the First Congregational church in Bellevue since it started 22
years ago. Tonight was the last meeting
for the group at that location. The
church is in the process of selling the property to a developer. The want groups to carry there own insurance
in the future. SU decided to move to a
less expensive location now as opposed to some random time in the future when
they got booted by the new owners.
Tonight’s meeting was on the 12th tradition: Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all
our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
One way I practice anonymity is not putting my name on this blog. The NSA or any other reasonably computer
literate person could figure out who I am just as people could figure out who
was at a meeting by checking cars in the parking lot. We are anonymous, not top secret.
I greatly appreciate how important principles are in AA. As a child, rules were arbitrarily and capriciously
made and enforced. There was a terrible
sense of unfairness. AA is extremely
fair. For all of us, to drink is to die. The only questions about guideline is how
long it will take and how painful it would be.
I am grateful for AA’s 12 traditions and that the Steppin Up group studies a tradition every month. It has been a good homegroup to me for the
last 8 years.
A Slow Day
Lea and I went to the clinic and a meeting this morning. After that, I dropped Lea off and went to an
Alanon meeting. I used to go to Alanon
every week. My Alanon participation
stopped two years ago. It is a good
program that helps me better identify my boundaries and focus on my issues.
The King County Library System enjoyed a major online upgrade. I can now search the new KCLS website at http://kcls.bibliocommons.com, find a
book I want, click on a few more buttons and have the ebook pushed via
Amazon.com to my Kindle. One button
downloads would be better, but the site is pretty fast and for a cpuple extra button-clicks,
it works great for this first iteration at bibliocommons.
I am grateful to be able to enjoy slow days watching movies and reading
books.
Suit Up And Show Up
“In A.A. we aim not
only for sobriety — we try again to become citizens of the world that we
rejected, and of the world that once rejected us. This is the ultimate
demonstration toward which Twelfth Step work is the first but not the final
step. As Bill Sees It, p. 21
The old line says,
"Suit up and show up," That action is so important that I like to
think of it as my motto. I can choose each day to suit up and show up, or not.
Showing up at meetings starts me toward feeling a part of that meeting, for then
I can do what I say I'll do at meetings. I can talk with newcomers, and I can
share my experience; that's what credibility, honesty, and courtesy really are.
Suiting up and showing up are the concrete actions I take in my ongoing return
to normal living.” From the book Daily Reflections
I do suit up and show up for my life today by striving to live
mindfully in the moment all throughout the day by not worrying about the future
nor getting stuck in morbid reflection of the past.
I am grateful for my progress towards living my life when and as it
happens. It is far from perfect, but
still miraculously better than how it used to be.
Mindfulness, Acceptance and Serenity
It has been a great year for improving my mindfulness by living in the
present moment, accepting life on life’s terms and having serenity.
I am grateful for the progress I have made this year. It is great to be more mindful, accepting and
serene.
Merry Christmas and Welcome to Longer Days
Soon it will be Christmas. It
will be nice to spend time with friends, open gifts and enjoy a holiday meal
together.
Daylight was a good 16 seconds longer today than it was on the winter
solstice three days ago. Progress not
perfection! Having lots of sunny days in
December instead of the usual gray Seattle mist was a huge blessing for those
of us suffering from SAD.
I am grateful for friends to
share the holidays with, longer days, my sobriety, a warm place to live and
college football bowl games (now I need to figure out how to get ESPN for a two
weeks to watch all the games they have monopolized).
Early Xmas Gifts
While having lunch with Sandy today at Frankie’s Pizza & Pasta in
Redmond, she gave me an oversized watch-cap that she had knitted for me. I love it!
When I got home and checked the mail, my sister had sent me a calendar
of the local sights around Cairns. I
will use it to replace the calendar she had sent me last year. They are colorful and beautiful.
After tonight’s swim, Greg and I went over to QFC to read We Agnostics from the Big Book. While we were there, I bought him a fresh
Kringle and a pack of cigarettes for Xmas.
I am grateful for the gifts that I have been given this year and look
forward to Xmas in two days. It is also be
nice to be able give gifts to others thanks to the blessing of having friends
to give gifts to and the resources to be able to give them gifts in the spirit
of loving kindness.
Sunday Before Christmas
Wednesday is Christmas. For
about the 7th year in a row, I will spend it with Carol, Lise and a
few others. In the past we have done it
in Carol’s condo. This year there will
be a few more people and we will do it in the parlor at Carol’s condo. That will be plenty of room for about ten of
us to have dinner and do white elephant gifts.
Today was a good day. Our Sunday
night group is moving to a new location on January 5th from a few
blocks east of Bellevue Square Mall to a few blocks west of the mall. It is good that we waited until after Xmas to
move. The traffic is crazy both ways on
the ten blocks between i-405 and the mall.
It won’t be as bad after the New Year.
Made banana nut bread today for the first time in my life. It came out reasonably good. I liked it.
Not so sure about Lea. Mine had
walnuts in it and hers did not. Cooked
the bread in little white ramekin bowls that my sister got me to make loaves
the size of giant muffins. That worked
great.
I am grateful for a wonderful year of emotional growth and becoming
more mindful. Merry Xmas to you!
Get To vs Have To
When I think of completing the tasks on my TDL that will make my life
better, all too often I frame the work in the context of “I have to do…”. That instantly makes them more of an onerous
chore in my mind and less to do while completing said task. If I reframe the task as “I get to do…”, it
makes it said task more of a privilige and an opportunity making it an
opportunity to look forward to with anticipation and a more pleasant time while
completing the task.
For example, we have celebrated the holiday season with turkey, ham and
rib roast dinners over the last month.
The entree of choice for Xmas looks to be chicken cordon bleu. Chances are good that it will come out of a
box, but we might make them starting with chicken breasts, cheese and ham. I will get to go shopping for Xmas dinner and
maybe get to make chicken cordon bleu from scratch which will be a first for
me. Lea has made them before. We already checked at the downtown Bellevue Safeway
and they are not available as pre-made.
I am grateful for the things that I get to do in my life today. I am blessed with sufficient financial
security to afford Xmas gifts for others, a nice dinner, a warm place to live
and choices about how I get to spend my time with this holiday season.
Kringles From Larsen’s Bakery in Ballard
Met with Dan for our monthly lunch yesterday. Instead of burgers, pizza or Ivar’s fish
& chips (his favorite), we went to Larsen’s Bakery in NW Seattle/Ballard
for a dinner plate sized Danish pastry called Kringle. If beer is the nectar
of the Norse Gods, Kringles have got to be their morning pastry.
We hit the bakery jackpot setting a new personal record for my spending
at a bakery by about $50 achieving a grand total of $78 in yummy baked
goods. It was a strangely warm sunny
afternoon for the last day of Fall in Seattle.
Dan and I sat outside eating the best apple fritters ever with a ½ pint
of milk. It was a glorious holiday meal
dining al fresco in the 45° afternoon sun.
It felt like 50° easy!
I gave Dan a kringle for Christmas and headed over to Bellevue to meet
Greg to read More About Alcoholism from
the AA Big Book. He was hungry after working
all day on surveying the layout of a strip mall store for a redesign. We split a piece of incredible fruitcake from
Larsen’s. Greg is a serious foodie and
really appreciated the fruitcake. It was
the only fruitcake I had in years. It
was the best fruitcake he had in the Northwest.
It snowed this morning for the first time in two years in Seattle. It was just enough snow to keep me from
driving Lea to the clinic and secretarying the Friday 9:30 AM meeting at the
Alano Club. The weather warmed up by
noon. Several inches of snow had either
melted away or turned to slush.
At 2 o’clock, I drove Lea to Bellevue College to get her books for
class next quarter. She needed another
form signed that she did not have. I
doubt she is going to college next quarter.
Not much point in going if she is not willing to do the work. She has a condition akin to chronic fatigue
that needs further investigation. It
might not be treatable, but it can at least be diagnosed.
I went swimming for an hour. Had a ham sandwich, read part of a W.E.B.
Griffin book for the third time and had some apple Kringle for dessert. Right now, it is my favorite pastry
ever. Yummm!!!
I am grateful for mild winter snowstorms, swimming, sobriety, Kringles
and for being to be of service to others.
9 Months
I had 9 months of continuous sobriety yesterday…for the fourth
time. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling
and powerful disease. It is good to be
amongst the small fraction of alcoholics that have any kind of time in their
sobriety.
Sure, it would be great to have 14+ years of sobriety since I went to
rehab. It would be even greater to not
be alcoholic nor paralyzed. Being
mindful of living in the present moment, I am an alcoholic and do have a spinal
cord injury.
It is easy to always remember to use my wheelchair to get around. I always do that. Remembering to use my
recovery tools to deal with my alcoholism is a lot harder and more
ambiguous. Right action is the ultimate
goal. My own best thinking is the thing
I crave. It is like the difference between
exercising and eating sugar for physical fitness when it comes to right action
vs my best thinking.
I am grateful for 9 months of sobriety and the tools of the
program.
Protecting The Elderly and Especially Our Mother
My mother lives in Sunrise senior care in Bellevue. It is an upscale place for seniors with
dementia. This year she has had two
checks written that can’t be explained.
One for $3200 and one for $1500.
The $1500 check was stolen and written by a Sunrise staff CNA named
Marlene. She was fired without being
reported to the Washington State board that handles nursing licenses. Thus she will just move on and prey on the
elderly elsewhere.
My sister and I find this situation intolerable. We are following up with Officer Slusser of
the Bellevue Police Department on case #13-47xyz. Talking with Officer Slusser today was a
pleasure. He listened, asked what he
could to help and took steps in that direction by calling the Sunrise manager,
Jared Gruber. Unfortunately, Jared was
not available.
Physically my mother and I are only a few miles apart. Emotionally, my mother and I are not close at
all. Nonetheless, it is not okay for her
to have money stolen from her by Sunrise staff with no consequences beyond
getting a new CNA job.
There is little I can do directly in this matter. Our mother has given her Power of Attorney to
Ladd Leavins a downtown Seattle lawyer that thinks it is okay for her Morgan
Stanley account to be churned by her broker, Robert Zorich, for $20,000 this
year alone. I can work with Officer
Slusser of the Bellevue PD, the WA State Nursing Board and WA State Adult
Protective Services to make sure it is well known at Sunrise that while our
mother might be easy prey to steal from, there are consequences that will last
a lifetime if those would prey on her get caught.
I am extremely grateful for a society of law and order that seeks to
protect its most vulnerable citizens from abuse. As a person with a profound disability, this
means a great deal to me.
Tired and Cranky – A Day Later
After being tired and cranky last night, I woke up to being tired and
cranky again this morning. I did not
sleep well last night since I did not fall asleep until 5 AM. My plans for the day never really got started
until this afternoon when we finally made it to the 5:30 meeting.
I did read an entire novel in a day.
That is old escapist behavior. I
love to read and have spent more time in my life reading than any other
activity besides sleeping. My reading
stamina is not what it used to be with older eyeballs. Even with large print books and a larger font
on my Kindle, my eyes give out long before they used to. Wearing my glasses works while laying on my back
in bed, but that position is only good for an hour or two.
Nothing has changed today, but I did feel less self-righteous
indignation over perceived slights. It
was as if I wanted to be in a bad mood and then cast about for perceptions to
support that belief like what Goleman wrote about in Thinking Fast and Slow. The
fast thought was be cranky and the
slow thought was reasons why I should be cranky. I was not able to shake the crankiness with
the desired speed of right now, but at least I did not act upon my cranky
thoughts creating irreparable damage or even damage that I would have to make
amends for later.
This is all part of a year of great emotional growth for me. Knowing that I am cranky for stupid trivial
logical yet always valid emotional reasons helped me to not have to act on my
thoughts and feelings leading to a vicious spiral taking me away from the happy
place where I want to live my life. That
is a lot of progress with plenty of room for more growth later.
I am grateful to not have to act on my self-righteous indignation
(insanity), be able to feel my feelings and know that this too shall pass.
Tired and Cranky
I feel tired and cranky right now.
One of the books I have read on meditation discussed the difference
between “I am tired and cranky” vs “I feel tired and cranky”. I know that my mood will change soon. I will no longer be tired after a good night’s
sleep.
Part of changing my mood is pro-actively dealing with others whom I am
have a minor conflict with in my head. In
my family of origin conflict was insanely passive-aggressive. I don’t like conflict nor handle it well. I am much more skillful at handling conflict
than I used to be. I know now that
pretending it will go away on its own is a pipe-dream that leads to my negative
feelings coming out sideways. I will do
my best to address this conflict directly.
I am grateful for knowing that a bad mood is only temporary, being more
skilled at handling conflict and recognizing my feelings for what they are—just
feelings.
Writer’s Block or Sloth?
I don’t feel motivated to write a specific Gratitude blog post right
now. Part of that is I am full from
eating a late dinner and want to go lay down.
Part of that is a sugar high from eating baklava after dinner. Sloth is a factor.
Today I am grateful for the Seahawks having a fantastic season winning
23-0 over the NY Giants today, plenty of yummy food to eat, a warm place to
live, a car that runs well and good friends in recovery.
Humility
On his desk, Dr. Bob
had a plaque defining humility: "Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is
never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is
done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
It is to be at rest when nobody
praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in
myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and
be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming
trouble."
- Dr. Bob and the
Good Oldtimers, p. 222
I have been blessed with the gift of large dose of humility in the past
year. Life is no longer as vexing as it
used to be. The good and bad are both
taken in a more serene stride. While there
is plenty of room for improvement, perfection is not even close to being on my
radar as a goal for me to achieve.
I am grateful for my progress in becoming more humble and continue to
strive for improvement in my acceptance of life on life’s terms while taking right action to the best of my ability.
A Holiday Gathering
Met with Charlie, Margie, Mike, Diana and Lea at the usual Friday
morning Crossroads Mall get-together. We
discussed how our week had gone, holidays, recovery, life in general, and then
read from the last three pages of the 12th step from the 12x12. During our reading, a brass band was tuning
up for Christmas Carols on the stage. We
got to finish reading the 12th step to much fanfare. It was inspiring.
We discussed pride vs. false pride after the reading. We are all grateful to be sober. My feeling is that sobriety can be seen as a
god-given gift, what can be proud of is all of the work that we have done to
available to receive the gift of sobriety.
There was a smattering of consensus on this perception of pride with a
considerable lack of clarity as to what constitutes a healthy pride for
alcoholics, the dependence of self-esteem on our most recent achievement and
how to avoid anxiety.
In the end, we had a nice conversation for more than an hour, declared
it our holiday gathering and gave each other hugs. It felt good.
After that, Lea and I stopped by Eastside Intergroup to get some AA
coins for our homegroup to get newcomers with 1, 2, 3 and 6 months of sobriety. It was good to see Nancy.
I am grateful for my wonderful friends in recovery, proud of Lea’s
achievements in the 9 months since starting methadone and glad that Michelle
can call home while standing next to me (she just activated a Virgin Mobile
cell phone).
Turned Away at the Prison Door
Leslee, Lisa and I went to the Washington State Reformatory in Monroe
tonight to do our monthly corrections AA meeting. Traffic was a tough slog taking an hour to
get there for what is a 30 minute drive on the way home. When we got there, we were cautioned that it
might be a few minutes before we could get into the prison.
After waiting outside the lobby door for five minutes, we were let
inside and again warned that it might be awhile before we got into a meeting or
it might not happen at all. Lisa B,
Leslee and I continued to chat until another guard came by telling us that
there would not be a meeting tonight due to internal issues. They are not forthcoming on what is going on,
but it was just as well we were on the outside as opposed to be confined to a
room during an incident (lockdown?).
We were politely shown the door and headed home. It was a two hour drive with great
conversation in both directions. L. is
having a hard time with serious chronic depression which she has been fighting
for years. I can relate to that and am
thankful for my current reasonably optimistic state of mind.
I am grateful for good friends, wonderful conversation and support from
my fellow trudgers on the road to happy destinies. Now I will get to watch one of my favorite
shows, Elementary, which is Sherlock Holmes
set in the present time in NYC with Dr Watson being played by Lucy Liu. Life is good and we are very blessed.
Happy Birthday to Michelle
For the last nine years, Michelle has spent her 12/12 birthday in
jail. After going back out for 10 days
in the Seattle jungle including a week of freezing cold weather, she came home
tonight. Tomorrow will be her first
birthday in a decade that she is not in jail.
She has mad skillz at hustling to get dope, but no matter, the disease
only gets worse even when things are going “well”. Being of service to others provides me with wonderful
spiritual gifts that greatly enhance my sobriety. I get to be happy for other people, learn to
love without being judgmental and be grateful that it is not me out there.
I am grateful that Michelle is home and sober tonight, that we will get
to celebrate her first birthday in a decade not locked-up and that we will help
her celebrate her birthday tomorrow with a nice home-cooked meal and a cake.
Showing Up
“Woody Allen and
Marshall Brickman co-wrote the Oscar winning screenplay for the 1977 movie
Annie Hall, and they were interviewed together by the journalist Susan Braudy. The following words were spoken by Marshall
Brickman, but he attributed the adage to Woody Allen: I have learned one thing.
As Woody says, ‘Showing up is 80 percent of life.’ Sometimes it’s easier to
hide home in bed. I’ve done both.”
I spend a lot of time in bed to avoid chronic pain. I also go to a 12-step meeting every day,
wrote this blog, meditate, pray and try to be of service to others. There is a choice to be happy for what
success I am having or to be disappointed for the myriad of activities I am not
doing. This year has been the best year
of my life for learning how to be happy and in relationship with others. A huge part of that is letting go of what I
can’t do safely such as interacting with my mother—she is too toxic for me.
I am grateful for the choice to see the glass of life as
half-full today. That is a lot better
than worrying about a half-empty glass running dry.
Preparing for Snow
There is a 40% chance of a light snow tonight. That is way better weather than the vast
majority of the rest of the US. A huge
winter storm has blanketed the country from Arizona to New England. 9000 flights have been canceled or delayed.
The only problem I have with snow tomorrow is trying to help Lea get to
the new Social Security office at 5th & Jefferson in Seattle by
9 AM. The new SS building is quite probably
located at the worst location in Seattle to serve people with
disabilities. There is exactly zero
handicapped parking at the building with the nearest public parking being 2
blocks down the hill.
We went shopping at Fred Meyer in Kirkland today before meeting Sandy
for lunch. We have a ton of groceries
and I got 2 extra firm pillows for my bed.
They seem to be working really well.
It is good to stock up on food before the storm and we filled my car
with gas.
The driveway at my apartment building will let me get out in any kind
of weather. Getting home is a much
dicier proposition since it is among the last roads to clear off after a
snowstorm. I am extremely cautious about
going out so that I don’t get trapped away from home in the freezing cold.
I am grateful for relatively mild winter weather. A trace of snow is a lot better than a
blizzard.
A King Size Bed
I have much in my life to be grateful for. My favorite place to spend time is lying in
my king size bed with a dozen pillows to position my legs in a way that greatly
reduces the chronic pain in my right hip.
I lack motivation to write much now.
I am going to get in bed after I post this Gratitude blog.
I am grateful that there are ways to reduce my chronic pain and for my
king size bed with lots of pillows.
Protection for the Elderly – Especially our Mother
My mother has severe dementia and some money. That makes her a prime target for those that
prey on the weak. She lives at Sunrise
Senior Living of Bellevue next to Crossroad’s Mall. Yesterday I learned that a Sunrise employee
had stolen and forged a $1500 check on my mother’s account this Fall. Sunrise considered that act so heinous, they actually
fired Marlene some time later. My
thinking is that Marlene will simply move on to the next senior care facility
and continue her predatory behavior.
My sister and I agree that Marlene at last needs to be charged with a
crime. Hopefully, she will be convicted
thus getting a record that would preclude her from working with the elderly so
she does not continue to steal from them.
My mother’s bank was supposed to have refunded the $1500 back to her
account. We will not get our next
quarterly report until January. Her
lawyer, Ladd Leavins, never did answer our questions about the $3000 check to
customer service in June. We suspect
that our mother is being preyed upon by those in a position of trust with a
responsibility to help her. My sister
and I sought to get a guardianship for our mother. We were unable to do so. We will continue to defend our mother’s
financial safety to the best of our ability.
Fortunately, there are agencies that can help us do the best we
can. Two of the obvious to contact next
week are the Washington State AG’s Office and the Bellevue Police Department.
I am grateful that my sister is a CPA and skilled advocate for our
mother’s best interests. Otherwise, she
would be plucked clean and turned-out as a ward of the state in short order.
Electric Heat
It has been at or below freezing for the last week. Michelle has been living on the streets since
Sunday. I could not survive in the
cold. After running water, electricity
on demand is the most important public utility in my life. It is nice to have the internet, tv and
computers. Electric heat is vital for
keeping me warm in my apartment.
I am grateful to be warm and dry on these cold winter days and nights
in Seattle. Also glad that we are having
“nice weather” relative to those enduring blizzards, floods and the like.
A Birthday Dinner With Carol
December 9th is Carol’s birthday. We have celebrated her birthday together for
the last 12 years. We have maybe met one
time earlier this year, other than that we have not had much time
together. She got a boyfriend last year
and has spent a lot of time with him.
They like to go dancing several nights a week.
We have gone to El Questzal on Beacon Hill in Seattle for several
years. We went again tonight and the
food was delicious as usual. Carol had
flank steak and I had a sort of beef & hominy soup. I got a skirt steak to go for Lea.
We had a wonderful conversation and I gave her a cute birthday with a
butler on the front holding a large silver serving dish. She pulled the butler’s elbow and the card
showed “Happy Birthday”. It was cute.
Our waiter brought us dessert to split with a candle in it. It was a chocolate cake with whipped cream
and raspberry sauce. He got the other
diners to join us singing happy birthday
to Carol. It was cute and delicious.
I am grateful for my friendship with Carol and the rituals we have such
as El Quetzal for birthdays and holiday meals together.
Cold Sunny Days
The nights will be freezing cold for the next week. The days are sunny and just above freezing. It is a lot less depressing than 100 days of
Seattle mist which is like rain with no measurable precipitation—everything is wet
and everyday is gloomy.
I am grateful for the clear sunny days. That is way better than the monster storms
and blizzards that have hit the rest of the country in the last couple of
weeks.
Back to Swimming or What I Did Not Do on Thanksgiving Weekend
Thanks to sloth and the Thanksgiving holiday schedule at the pool, I
did not swim for a week. It felt great
to get back in the water today. I swam steadily
for over an hour. It felt good then and
feels good now to have both gotten the workout and know that I am doing good
self-care.
The pool can be a strange place.
Today while swimming laps, one lady kept encroaching on where I was
swimming. Finally she asked me to swim
elsewhere because she has a “serious medical condition and needs to do her Tai
Chi.” I explained that while there was
plenty of room on the other side of her, I needed to swim in the deeper end of
the pool so as to not scrape my knees on the bottom (the pool is only 4’6” deep
at the deep end). It turned out she
actually preferred shallower water.
Later on, she complained about my swimming in the pool creating
turbulence. She crowded into where I was
swimming as to bump into me in a not-full pool and had a problem with turbulence? I was baffled as to what to say. I did point out that everybody in the pool
has serious medical issues. I thought
about explaining wave dissipation physics to her in that the energy drops off
with the square of the distance so that being 4 feet away has 1/16 of the
energy compared with being a 1 foot away.
That seemed too snarky.
Attempts to reason with her were met with an obtuse denial. She finally gave up trying to control me and
went to the shallow end of the pool to do the next section of her workout.
There is a nice lady that works the front desk. I talked with her after swimming about what
to say to people that bump into me and then complain about my swimming in a
pool. She suggested I talk with the
manager and let me know he was busy right at that moment. I view the public pool as being gently
competitive. Most people work around
each other and I rarely make contact with others while changing where or how I
swim several times each session. This
lady was the first person in my 6 months at the pool to crowd into me in a
not-full pool and then complain that I was making too much turbulence. One time a therapist let me know she was
working with a 100-year old woman that needed the calmest water possible. The
pool had more people in it then and I had no problem with that.
This is a minor issue in the grand scheme of things. It is important that I learn how to process similar
interactions with others that deliberately crowd my space and try to control my
actions. Discussing my feelings is a
vital part of my recovery. I doubt I can
stop people from complaining. Today’s complainer
was 70 years old. It is not my job to
fix strangers that create problems and then complain about them. It is my job to have healthy boundaries while
being the kindest most nurturing loving Kevin I can be.
Writing my thoughts in my Gratitude blog has really helped me process my
thoughts, feelings and emotions. I don’t
have a ready response for negative people in all situations. I can do like I did today to work things out
with others in a gentle kind assertive fashion while standing up for myself. I am still somewhat baffled by that
interaction, but feel a lot better for writing about it.
I am grateful for a warm pool with a lift for me to swim in, learning
how to process my feelings, and a kind staff with several suggestions for how
to best interact with others that are not always on their best behavior due to
serious medical issues.
Wheelchair Accessible Meetings in District 34
My friend T. is the District 34 Accessibility Committee Chair. She is doing a fantastic job by previously
having started a meeting at an independent assisted living center and now completing
a report on wheelchair accessible meetings in District 34 which includes Mercer
Island, Bellevue and Redmond.
There are 31 meeting places hosting 137 meetings a week in District 34. 88% of those meeting have wheelchair parking
and entrances. Only 11.7% (16 meetings)
can’t be accessed by a non-ambulatory wheelchair user such as myself. Bathrooms are not so accessible at many
meetings. The simple solution for me is
to avoid having to use the bathroom while attending a 60 or 90 minute
meeting. That would not work for
everybody.
T. is a writer by profession.
The quality of her report is beyond outstanding. It is elegant, lucid, easily read and to the
point.
I am grateful and blessed to have friends like T. and for the 121
accessible meetings in District 34.
Carry the Message and not the Alcoholic
Lea and Michelle now both get DSHS money on the first. They said they were going Christmas shopping
when they left this morning to walk to the stores. 10 hours later and they are not home. An obvious explanation that fits the facts is
they relapsed again after having less than $200 put on their EBT card.
That is said on a variety of levels.
They were closing in on two months without a relapse although Lea’s
abuse of take-home methadone is suspect at best. What is worse than a relapse is that they
can’t trust themselves to handle their own money.
I was blessed to have a sister handle my money when I was new to the
program. They don’t have a sibling they
can trust to manage their money.
Michelle is going to Sound Mental Health. I know that they have staff doing payee services
there since they do Dan’s payee services.
Margie suggested talking with them about getting a payee. That
is a good idea.
In the past, I would rescue Lea by answering the phone and giving her a
ride to the methadone clinic after a relapses.
I am not going to do that tomorrow.
The appropriate AA slogan is to carry
the message and not the alcoholic. I
have carried Lea a lot in this year and protected her from many consequences of
her behavior. It might not be time to
stop completely, but I am certainly going to carry her a lot less in the
future.
I am grateful that I am sober, that I have friends in the program to
talk with, and that I was able to be of great service to others. This has been a wonderfu year of personal
growth for me due in large part to getting out of myself by helping others.
2013 District 34 Gratitude Dinner
For the 12th year in a row, I went to the District 34
Gratitude Dinner at the North Bellevue Community Center. For me, it my version of a large family
holiday dinner. It is a happy time with
lots of food, joy and love.
There were 10 of us from my Sunday night Steppin Up home group meeting.
The group had signed up to wash serving dishes after dinner during the
Alanon and AA speakers. They were done
by the time the Alanon speaker finished.
The AA speaker, Elton, had literally died from alcoholism and was
brought back to life by EMTs with heart paddles. He was definitely a real alcoholic. He will have 6 years sobriety in
December.
I am grateful for the AA program of recovery and the fellowship of
fellow trudgers in recovery on the road of happy destinies.
A Wonderful Thanksgiving
FYI, I write this Gratitude blog for two reasons. One is to write every day about things I am
grateful for. The second is to let my
sister Karen know what I am doing. The
very act of writing is a accurate indicator that I am sober.
Lea, Michelle and I celebrated a nice pleasant Thanksgiving today.
We went to our usual 9:30 AM meeting.
It was the usual size with a different crowd including visitors from New
Zealand and San Francisco. The topic was
the 11th tradition discussion a program of attraction and not promotion. It was a great meeting.
Lea got her new dentures to fit better yesterday. Some denture adhesive later, they were
finally working for her. She is very
pretty with her dentures in. It changes
the shape of her face and especially her lips.
We came home, put a 7 pound boneless rib roast in the oven and went to
a see a movie at Lincoln Square. The
movie times had changed from what I looked up last night and so the movie we
planned on seeing, Gravity, was not for another hour. We watched Philomena. It is true story
of Irish convent selling children of unwed Catholic mothers to Americans in the
1950s. Michelle and Lea are estranged
from their children due to their addiction.
Understandably, the movie was a serious tearjerker for them.
After the movie, the roast was done a bit sooner than planned. The girls made stuffing, béarnaise sauce, Brussels
sprouts with garlic, baked sweet potatoes, bean casserole, dinner rolls, and fruit
salad. It was delicious. Before eating, we all said a few things we were
grateful for. We were all grateful to be
sober. After dinner and dishes, we
watched TV for an hour and then had cherry pie and vanilla ice cream. It was nap time for me. They watched Lethal Weapon 1.
We went to the alcathon at the Alano club. The topic was acceptance. It seemed like 10 people in a row shared
about being in their first week of sobriety and gave their drunkalog about how
bad it was. Normally, I greatly dislike listening
drunkalogs rehashing their using and prefer to be in the solution. Tonight was a profoundly different
experience, It was like they were doing
their first step story about being powerless over alcohol (and drugs) and how unmanageable
their lives were. Today they had hope
that there was a solution in AA and that their lives would get better by
working AA’s 12 steps.
Nancy and Michelle P came to the alcathon while Lea was outside having
a cigarette. They had both been her
sponsor for a couple months earlier this year and quit after she kept
relapsing. After the meeting, Lea went
over, gave them both a hug, showed them her new teeth and presumably reported
on having a new sponsor and 7 weeks of sobriety. I am sure they were both very happy for her.
It is Michelle’s 46th birthday in two weeks. For the last 9 years, she has been locked up
on her birthday. As a way of spreading
out the birthday celebration, I offered to take them on a mini Black Friday
shopping trip at Target. Kelly and Sarah
reported full parking lots at Target in Redmond and craziness at Bell Square
with a line of people waiting to get into
Macy’s. We bagged the shipping trip and
came home.
I have a wonderful recovery family with Leslee, Toni, Charlie, Greg,
Sandy and others. Michelle and Lea are like
the little sisters I never had. It is an
honor and a privilege to help and watch them get a life in recovery. There was no acrimony today and we enjoyed
the best Thanksgiving we have had in a long time. I never felt an awkward silence once today.
This was the first Thanksgiving meal that I ever planned, purchased and
hosted in my life. Family holiday meals
were all too often fraught with discord and dismay. I am glad we made dinner today.
I am grateful for the acceptance, serenity and joy in my life today.
Lucky To Be Grateful or Happy Thanksgiving!
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
November is Gratitude Month in
AA. Today’s meeting topic was on
gratitude. In several important ways,
this has been the best year of my life.
Studying gratitude meditation and positive psychology has changed my
life for the vastly better than how it was.
I know now that I am lucky.
Lucky to be alive and sober.
Lucky to have the wonderful friends that are in my life. Lucky to be able to afford to live in a nice
apartment in Bellevue with two cats and provide a place to live for others that
can’t afford a place of their own. Lucky
to have a warm accessible pool with a lift to swim in any day I want to go.
I am grateful for having a life that is much better than how it used to
be. Tomorrow will be the first time in
my life that I cooked a Thanksgiving meal for at least three people. That is but one example of the changes in my
life.
BONUS: I found a great review/recipe
based on applied heat transfer and chemistry on how to cook a prime rib to
perfection here.
A Dry November
November is the rainiest month of the year in Seattle. Nearly every day is gray, wet and dreary. This November has featured multiple dry sunny
days in a row with frost (not ice) on my car windows in the morning. We will get rain on the weekend and then more
dry sunny days. That is a vast
improvement over the dreary gray Seattle mist.
There is a winter storm that will affect 200 million people in the US
and 32 states over the week of Thanksgiving.
Fortunately that is happening in the Midwest and Eastern states. It has already caused 14 deaths starting in
California and heading east. There will
be blizzards near the Great Lakes and tornadoes in Florida. Thank god I am not a part of that mess.
I am grateful for dry sunny days in November and for not being hammered
by a deadly freezing storm and for not having to try to travel on during the
busiest travel days of the year during a massive storm. That will suck badly for those that do. I wish them well.
Thanksgiving Monday
The last three weeks have gone really well for Lea, Michelle and
I. I was concerned about relapse due to
be overwhelmed by positive events in their lives. Good events going well is a huge trigger in
early recovery creating major potential for immediate self-destruction. We had our little dish conflict over the
weekend and that seems to have been the worst of it. Lea made it to a meeting this morning after a
week of schedule conflicts, feeling sick and such. It is like the baseball metaphor of sliding
into home—SAFE!
I am grateful we did not self-destruct via relapse or other
self-inflicted major chaos after the success of getting dentures, carpal tunnel
surgery, getting registered for college and more. It is major milestone to have six weeks of
sobriety, achieve some successes and not self-destruct. It is a foundation for believing in ourselves
and letting go of the fear of the damage we do our lives and ourselves.
A Slightly Bad Day Got Better
Dave, the guy that worked on my car yesterday, came by the church while
I was at a meeting and fixed the spark plug wires. My car runs great now. Read There
is a Solution with Greg before the meeting.
Lea still lags on putting her dishes away with feeble excuses, but at
least she did not go deep with faux self-righteous anger defending her lies
this time.
I am grateful for not making a slightly bad day worse, for working on
the things that I could make better by going to a meeting, reading with Greg
and getting Dave to fix my plug wires.
Even A Bad Day is Still Pretty Good
Having problems with my car after a friend changed the spark plug wires
and spark plugs, the girls have a thing about leaving dirty dishes on the
counter or in the sink, the Xmas tree was moved so that when I closed the
blinds last night I broke an ornament trying to get by, Lea leaves the car seat
in a reclined position making it harder to put my wheelchair in the back seat.
When I explain that I am willing to help them with care-giving and not
care-taking by doing things for the grils that they could do for themselves,
today was a series of non-listening defensive bs that is annoying. We have had nearly three good weeks in a
row. It is hard for addicts to deal with
calm progress without self-destructive behavior. We have done well so far.
Alice, a former home-group member, loved to use the phrase “a classier
set of problems today”. Indeed, our
problems are a lot better than how they used to be. Two dirty coffee cups on the counter is
nothing compared to lying stealing addicts in active addiction. Worst case (presumably) is my car will be
fixed by my mechanic tomorrow.
I am grateful for a much classier set of problems today. Today’s swim was a vigorous one with a
majority of the distance spent doing a crawl stroke. It has been sunny and dry for the last five
days—excellent weather for November in Seattle.
Breakfast and worship (singing and music) at church went well.
A Good Education
Typing this post using a bluetooth keyboard on my bedroom PC. It will be short.
Today I helped Michelle register for classes at Bellevue College. She had worked on doing her online registration for several days and could not get it. I was able to resolve two problems in less than 15 minutes. She has an appointment with her adviser on Monday the 25th.
I am grateful for a solid education in computer technology and for wonderful PC input devices.
Today I helped Michelle register for classes at Bellevue College. She had worked on doing her online registration for several days and could not get it. I was able to resolve two problems in less than 15 minutes. She has an appointment with her adviser on Monday the 25th.
I am grateful for a solid education in computer technology and for wonderful PC input devices.
Another Full Day and I Am Tired
I am grateful for a full day of recovery and being of service to
others. It certainly gets me out of my
apartment and my isolationism. Life is
good. I love and am grateful my king
size bed with lots of pillows.
Dentures and Lunch
Lea finally got her dentures today after having her teeth pulled in May.
They look good and are an awkward fit in her month of months of no teeth
and years of bad teeth. The top set have a vacuum seal and the bottom set tend
to float in her mouth. They will take
time to get used to.
After getting Lea’s denture at the UW Dental School, we went to get Dan
for lunch. He was having a problem with
his PC. I resolved the problem by
setting Internet Explorer his homepage to his CenturyLink email and we went to
lunch at Ivar’s.
All three of us had grilled salmon with hollandaise sauce, deep fried
green beans and mashed potatoes.
I dropped Lea off at home and took my car to the shop since it was
running rough and the check engine
light came on. I need new spark plug
wires and plugs. I ordered them today
and will have them installed in a day or two.
After that, I went swimming, came home to a nice clean apartment the
girls had cleaned, went to a 5:30 meeting about having something sweet to eat
from Chapter 9 of the Living Sober
book and then read The Doctor’s Opinion
from the Big Book with Greg at the Alano Club.
Greg and I discussed some related AA trivia. After that, I dropped him off at the transit
center and came home. It was a full day
for me.
Lea will have carpal tunnel surgery tomorrow. I tried talking to her about there being too
much of a good thing that will knock us off the sober center just as surely as
bad things can do. She denied that could
be a problem. When I started to write my
Gratitude blog post, the last dealer she lived with called for her. I let him know she was sleeping. I don’t know if she called him first or
not. I do know from when I first tried
to get sober 14 years ago that misery loves company. Addicts in active addiction will try to get
those of us trying to get sober to use again.
I am grateful to be sober, of service to others, have the PC savvy to
be able to help Dan, know what the problem is with my car, a good swim, a
meeting and to help my friend Greg stay sober one more day.
Living In The Moment aka Being Mindful
There have been many positive changes in my life this year. Two roommates in early recovery and near
daily swimming have made my life richer and better. Roommates come and go. I am not as diligent with daily swimming as I
would like to be although my exercise regime is infinitely better than how it
was until last May. I do meditate every
day, ideally every morning and it is my go to response when I am feeling good,
bad or have a moment during the day.
Using meditation to be mindful has leads me to spend much less time
ruminating about the past (depression) or worrying about the future (anxiety). Invariably my present moments are pretty
good. I have a warm convenient place to
live, plenty of food, reliable transportation, good friends, economic security
and reasonably stable health.
I am grateful for my vastly improved mindfulness mindset with long
moments of equanimity and shorter moments of negative rumination on perceived
problems with past and future events.
Progress Over the Last 365 Days
One year ago tomorrow (2012 was a leap year), I met Sandy
for dinner. It was my first day day of
recovery after an 8 month crack spree.
It was the most profound meal I ever had. I realized during our discussion that
relationships were the most important thing in my life. Then and even now, it seems that I was a slow
learner to figure out what a healthy child would hopefully now. Nonetheless, better late than never.
This last year has been the best year for relationships in
my life. I made a few new close friends. More nearly what happened is the ones I have are
far closer than ever before in my life.
My relapse was caused in great part by lies of omission, i.e., not
telling others what I was thinking or feeling.
While not perfect at sharing, I am fantastically better than how I used
to be.
There was one more relapse in March. I have 8 months of continuous sobriety
today. Yay me!
I am very grateful for better relationships and my 8 months
of sobriety. That is a lot of progress
from how it used to be.
Overcoming Loneliness
“Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even
before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us
suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong. As Bill
Sees It, p. 90
The agonies and the void that I often felt inside occur less and less
frequently in my life today. I have learned to cope with solitude. It is only
when I am alone and calm that I am able to communicate with God, for He cannot
reach me when I am in turmoil. It is good to maintain contact with God at all
times, but it is absolutely essential that, when everything seems to go wrong,
I maintain that con-tact through prayer and meditation.” From the book Daily Reflections
I lived by myself for most of my adult life. Now I have two roommates and we do sober/recovery
activities together every day of the week. It is a lot more social and less isolating
than how it used to be. Plus, my
spiritual experiences resulted in my not feeling alone and isolated whether by
myself or even lonelier in a crowd.
I am grateful for my fantastically enhanced relationships over the last
year. It was 52 weeks ago tomorrow on
Monday, November 19th that I realized while talking with Sandy that
relationships are the most important thing in my life. The last year has been the best year of
relationships in my life.
An Excellent Week
I am grateful for much serenity this week and fantastic
successes and achievements by Lea and Michelle as they continue to make great progress in their recovery towards a life that works...well.
A Birthday Celebration…and More
Today was my sister Karen’s birthday.
I had flowers delivered via an Australia version of FTD Florists. She is on the far side of the international
date line and so in effect her birthday was yesterday.
I celebrated Karen’s birthday with Lea and Michelle by having an early
Thanksgiving dinner. We had succulent roast turkey, garlic mashed potatoes,
broccoli, homemade gravy, potato salad and jellied cranberry sauce. I made the turkey, mashed potatoes and
gravy. They all came out great.
For the last 6+ years, I have gone with Carol and a few of her friends
to her church’s Thanksgiving meal. Last
year they ran low on food by the time we got there. Michelle and I tried to buy a turkey the day
after Thanksgiving at Safeway. They did
not have a turkey in the store. This
year we beat the rush by having a Thanksgiving meal two weeks in advance.
We have a lot to celebrate. A
year ago, I was still using. Lea and
Michelle were tearing it up. Now I have
almost 8 months, and they have 33 and 28 days respectively. They both registered for college this
week. Lea is getting her new dentures
next Wednesday. I had promised to help
her get dentures 15 months ago in August.
It feels great to make and see a promise come true. That is a new experience for me.
We had a great week in a things-are-going-well sort of way. Nobody won the lottery, we made some progress
and had a few boo-boos. While meeting
with Charlie and Mike at the mall this morning, I brought up how in the past a
feeling of success would be so disconcerting that I would need to do some
self-destructive equivalent of putting my hand on a hot stove just to change
the way I feel—not for the better, just to quickly change the way I felt. A feeling of contentment and success used to
be strange, uncomfortable and scary for me.
Today I noticed that sensation and acted on it by not going
swimming. That is a lot less
self-destructive than how it used to be.
Fantastic progress, definitely not perfection.
I secretary a beginner’s meeting at the Alano Club on Friday
mornings. Normally I read the Daily
Reflections aloud, share my thoughts and open the meeting. Today I read the Reflection, read two paragraphs
from The Language of the Heart on the
11th step written by Bill W and then opened the meeting. At the end of the meeting, I was compelled to
share a summary of our last year and where we are now.
When I was a young man, I had a dog that I would leave outside &
alone for 5 days at a time while I worked logging at Mt St Helen's. He was a giant Irish Wolfhound and plenty
capable of fending for himself with a large bucket of dog food to last him all
week. Being responsible for helping
others is a completely new experience for me. I have never been married, had
children or even ever spent time around children. I could barely take care of myself.
Today I get to help others make infinitely healthier choices in their
lives. Now a bad decision is to skip a swim
session after having swam five times already this week.
I am grateful for the miracles of progress in my life including my
sobriety, Lea and Michelle’s sobriety, good friends, being able to pay my
bills, a good albeit geographically distant relationship with my sister, and being able to celebrate
Thanksgiving two weeks early during November which is gratitude month in AA. Happy Birthday Karen!
Ambiguity and the Veterinarian
For the first time in my life, today I took one of my pets to the vet. Jenny had a dozen small weird bumps on her
throat and a few others scattered around her body. The vet did not know the source of the
bumps. She projected that there were
from an allergy to some new material in our apartment. That was ambiguous. She gave Jenny a shot that will turn off her
allergic reactions for six weeks.
Hopefully that will give enough time for whatever mysterious allergen
that might be to go away.
I am much more capable of handling ambiguity in my life these days than
how it used to be. I will hope for the
best, throw out a nice big scratching post that Lea found by the dumpster and
see what happens in 6 weeks. Bug has a
few similar bumps. Hopefully those will
go away on their own.
I am grateful that my cats are reasonably okay and that I am much
better at dealing with ambiguity. Lea
did a fantastic job of holding Jenny while the vet examined her. The vet, Dr Debbie Wallingford, had a
fantastic bed side manner and was great with both Jenny and us.
A Choice of Veterinarians
My cats have some sort of skin condition with lots of bumps on Jenny
and a few on Bug. Fortunately, they are
not in pain from this issue. Michelle
tried to put Jenny in a cat carrier to take her to the vet. Jenny wasn’t having it. Michelle learned why holding cats by the
scruff of the neck is best before making them do something cats don’t want to
do.
After that, Jenny was not about to let herself be caught again to make
our appointment with the vet. I canceled
for today by vmail when nobody answered.
I will reschedule another appointment ASAP. This will be my first trip to the vet since I
got Jenny 7 years ago. I have been
blessed with healthy cats until now.
I am grateful for a half-dozen different veterinarian offices in Bellevue.
The one I chose specializes in cats and dogs.
I am hopeful that their condition can be readily treated with
inexpensive drugs. More will be revealed.
Bellevue Library + KCLS + Large Print Books + Computer Classes
Drove Lea and Michelle to the Bellevue Downtown Library for their 3rd
computer class in two weeks. Tonight’s class was on
using the web. They said the excellent female
volunteer instructor was had a background was as a self-made career network
professional. They were inspired by her
career story.
I waited for them by re-checking out Awakening Joy, searching the stacks for another book in the 158
section (personal improvement) of the stacks, scanning the large print section
for a few favorite authors and reading a cheesy Robert Parker Spenser book. Parker writes great dialogue. His novels are more like short stories that
read quickly. I was half-down by the
time the girls came to get me.
I am grateful for the new parking structure at the library (it used to
have the craziest parking lot Bellevue even Whole Foods), large print
books, helpful librarians, free computer classes and a quiet place to read
while waiting for my friends.
Nature or Nurture?
Michelle and I went to a step study discussion meeting tonight on the 4th
step after I went swimming. The meeting
was nearing the end by the time I got there.
The discussion was on whether individuals had gotten their alcoholism from
ethnic heritage or via their childhood experiences. I was puzzled by the discussion. I asked, “Nature or nurture, what does it
matter?” The solution is still the same
12 steps. Nobody even tried to explain
why the source/cause of the disease mattered.
Not everybody understood my question.
I am grateful that I am much more focused on the solution these days
than stuck in trying to identify the possibly meaningless source of the
problem. Also, it was a good swim with
15 minutes of a crawl stroke followed by counting 000 strokes of my greatly modified
breast and back strokes as both a workout and exercise in counting meditation.
Two PCs
I write my posts in MS Word on the PC in my living room. Michelle is watching a movie on that PC. I use a PC in my bedroom to drive my 58" TV. It is not so great for typing with a wireless keyboard in my lap, but good enough for short gratitude blog post.
I am grateful for the internet, TCP/IP ethernet, downloadable movies, my giant monitor/TV and for having two fast PCs.
I am grateful for the internet, TCP/IP ethernet, downloadable movies, my giant monitor/TV and for having two fast PCs.
Economic Security
I get a state run workmen’s compensation pension from being paralyzed at work 32 years ago. It is not enough to make me rich or
even an average wage for white men my age & education in America. It is good enough to live on with a decent
safe apartment in Bellevue while helping others that are far less
fortunate.
While I am sure I could spend a good size fortune if I had one, what I
have is good enough for my needs with a modest amount of budget control. There are 50 million people living in poverty
in America. I am grateful to not be one
of them.
Jerry Pournelle has been a NASA scientist, sci-fi writer, and PC
technology journalist. He wrote one of
my favorite quotes from 20+ years ago: “The
poor are what the rich use to scare the middle class into working”.
I am grateful to be living securely above the poverty line and not be
overwhelmed by fear of economic insecurity.
A Routine Day
Did the usual Friday today. Read
some AA literature including the 11th step from the big book, went
to the clinic, got some pastries for the AM Reflections meeting at which I am
the Friday morning secretary, went to the mall to meet with Charlie and Mike,
home for lunch and a nap, an evening swim, a sandwich for dinner and now it is
time for some TV watching. A slight
twist on the day is that Lea meet with her temporary sponsor Margie at the
mall.
I have worked hard this year on develop healthy daily routines. These routines have worked incredibly well
for me. At most, I now have to figure
out what time to go swimming compared how it used to be agonizing over whether
to go to a meeting, then what meeting and time to go, whether or not to meet
with others, and hoping that I had meditated in the morning.
I am grateful for the many healthy routines and habits in my life. It is a lot easier to go do the next
indicated thing when it is mapped out for me every day on a calendar instead of
another day of “spontaneous” (read “chaotic”) activities hoping that I will get
better. I know these routines work for
me.
The Girls Went Back to School!
Lea and Michelle went to Bellevue College’s weekly orientation
today. They immediately qualify for
free tuition and books for short programs that last a quarter or two targeted
towards getting the jobless back to work.
With a bit more paperwork, they could get free tuition for academic
programs. The Metro 271 bus stops a
block from our apartment and runs right to the BC campus making for simple
transportation logistics.
Lea helped a member from our 9:30 morning meeting by going with him for
support while he got a medical procedure.
It was great to see her reaching to help another alcoholic. After the orientation, we gave Joey a ride
back to the Alano Club.
I am grateful to be able to help and watch others make progress in their
lives. Greg is going to join Charlie,
Mike and I at the mall tomorrow.
Let Go and Let God
. . . praying only
for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12x12, p. 96
When I "Let Go
and Let God," I think more clearly and wisely. Without having to think
about it, I quickly let go of things that cause me immediate pain and
discomfort. Because I find it hard to let go of the kind of worrisome thoughts
and attitudes that cause me immense anguish, all I need do during those times
is allow God, as I understand Him, to release them for me, and then and there,
I let go of the thoughts, memories and attitudes that are troubling me.
When I receive help
from God, as I understand Him, I can live my life one day at a time and handle
whatever challenges that come my way. Only then can I live a life of victory
over alcohol, in comfortable sobriety.
For years in recovery, I used to do a thought experiment with my god consciousness. Some days I would turn my worries over to god
as best I could while going about my day.
Other days I would do all my own worrying (I had a lot of practice and was
presumably good at doing my own worrying).
Invariably, the days which I turned my worries over to god and did the
next indicated thing always went better than the days I wasted doing my own
worrying without god. I no longer do
that experiment.
Now I turn my worries over to god as best I can and simply do the next
indicated thing. Many would call that
being mindful or living in the moment.
Whatever it is called, it works a LOT better for me to live like that.
I am grateful for resources that teach me how to live in the present
moment. I feel better, get a lot more
done and am much happier.
My Sister Karen
Our mother is getting taken to the cleanings by her broker, Robert
Zorich, at Morgan Stanley. She has
dementia and can’t remember what she said from one minute to the next—a much less
than ideal skill-set for day-trading in the stock market. Nonetheless, Zorich is churning her account
to the tune of 20,000 dollars in brokerage fees this year. She is nowhere near close to breaking even
with the stock market, much less coming out ahead.
My sister arranged to have our mother flown due to Sydney, Australia
from Bellevue/Seattle, meet her in Sydney and then fly with her to my sister’s
home in NE Australia near Cairns. It was
a lot of effort on my sister’s part.
Financial predators are clearly after our mother’s money. Someone talked her into cashing out a
$100,000 CD and putting the cash into her checking account. Which was followed shortly thereafter by a
check made out to “customer service” for $3000.
Nobody has been able to explain where that money went. Our mother has a lawyer, Ladd Leavins, with power
of attorney to oversee her financial transactions. He was recommended to her by Zorich. Leavins has refused to investigate who cashed
the $3000 check.
I can’t deal with my mother even though she only lives 3 miles
away. Every time I have talked with her
in the last 15 years, I have immediately self-medicated by smoking crack
cocaine. It is not worth the risking my
life to try to help a woman that refuses to be helped by her children.
As expected, my sister had a tough time dealing with our mother. I am proud of my sister for having stepped-up
as much as she did to try to help protect our mother from herself and other
financial predators. Last year, we tried
to get our mother a Guardian Ad Litem.
That was a painful expensive lesson in why we don’t talk with our
mother. I was out smoking crack for
eight months. (I am a drug addict and that is how we handle too much pain when
lacking in enough recovery).
Our family has been torn up by alcoholism, suicide and abusive
behaviors. I wish many things were
different than how they are. My recovery
is contingent on a daily reprieve while I learn how to live life on life’s
terms. When I am mindful and in the
moment, my life is always good enough if not even pretty good or better.
I am grateful for all my sister has done to help those who got lost in
our family including me, our mother, and her step-sons’ Dan and Doug. Dan, Doug and I would likely be dead by now
without her love, guidance and support.
We would undoubtedly be far worse off than we are. Karen, thank you for all you have done for so
many of us. We literally owe you are very
lives. It is Karen's birthday this month. An example of her thoughtfulness towards others is that her birthday present from me is going to be a new coat for Dan.
A Good Day
Today was a good version of the usual Monday routine. I am lacking motivation to write much more than
that.
I am grateful for friends, meetings, swimming, lunch with Sandy and
more.
On The Bus…Again
I have a friend that works as a contract civil engineer wherever he can
find a job. I am sure he does great
work. Unfortunately, he keeps relapsing
on crack. The intervals between relapses
got up to a couple of years and are now measured in weeks or months. I would guess he makes something close to
$100k/year (when he works). Nonetheless,
he called me early this morning after two weeks with no contact to ask for a
Greyhound bus ticket home from the Midwest.
I won’t send him cash, but did buy him a bus ticket.
He is 3 hours deep in a 36-hour bus ride to Seattle. This is maybe the 4th bus ticket
home I have bought for him. He pays me
back in a month or two. His relapses are
incredibly painful and not even close to being fun while they last, much less
while enduring the acute stages of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. It is a great chance for me to practice being
a supportive non-judgmental friend. It
is tough to watch my friend do this to himself.
He is a high risk for suicide and cannot get this 800 pound gorilla off
his back. His pain does help keep me
sober.
I am grateful for my sobriety today and for being able to be a better
friend to others than I ever was before in my life.
Cleaning Up Relational Messes Promptly
I was in a cranky mood today over some missing kitchen utensils. Then I went swimming and did not have my swim
paddles and goggles after Lea told me she put them in the swim bag last night. I was half-filled with self-righteous anger and
resentment. I was even more annoyed when
the gear could not be found when I got home.
Then we had a spat after my having gone to the pool and not swimming due
to a lack of gear (or laziness?).
I knew I did not either of us to spend the day being angry with
ourselves, the world or each other. The
swim gear had been left at the pool and was at the desk. I will get it tomorrow. I made amends and the healing began to
reduce the wound of negativity. Then the
kitchen utensils turned up after Michelle made yet another search of the
kitchen.
I tried using my tools to get back to living mindfully in the
moment. My mind kept getting sucked back
into self-righteous anger about all I had done “for them” and my property being
abused, discarded or destroyed by those I am trying to help with seemingly
little respect for what little I do have.
There is a history of this happening…especially to the damage I did to
my father’s property as an thoughtless insensitive angry-at-the-world teenager. While my behavior was not perfect, there is
great progress in my getting to the amends in near real-time instead of a
geologic time scale. There was much less
damage and much more healthy time in my own mind today thanks my increasing
emotional intelligence and desire to have joy in my life.
I am grateful for my increased emotional intelligence that allows me to
escape the pitfalls of my own best thinking that wants to fuel the flames of my
self-righteous anger and indignation.
Keeping Optimism Afloat
The other Steps can
keep most of us sober and some- how functioning. But Step Eleven can keep us
growing, . . .THE LANGUAGE OF THE HEART,
p. 240
A sober alcoholic
finds it much easier to be optimistic about life. Optimism is the natural
result of my finding myself gradually able to make the best, rather than the
worst, of each situation. As my physical sobriety continues, I come out of the
fog, gain a clearer perspective and am better able to determine what courses of
action to take. As vital as physical sobriety is, I can achieve a greater
potential for myself by developing an ever-increasing willingness to avail
myself of the guidance and direction of a Higher Power. My ability to do so
comes from my learning-and practicing-the principles of the A.A. program. The
melding of my physical and spiritual sobriety produces the substance of a more
positive life. From the book Daily Reflections November 2nd.
My emotional intelligence has vastly improved this year. While talking with my doctor of eight years
yesterday, she told me that I was more mature than how I used to be. There was no denying that medical
opinion! I am more mature and much more
available to be in relationship with myself and with others.
I am grateful for my increased emotional intelligence, maturity, and
for evolving into becoming the kind and loving Kevin that I was always meant to
be.
Feeling My Feelings
I have read a score of books this year on mindfulness, self-compassion,
emotional intelligence, etc., combined with intensive work with acute
relapsers, meeting with elders and daily meeting attendance, I have made
fantastic progress in actually feeling my feelings instead of the historical
passive-aggressive self-pitying victimization that used to be my M.O.
I am now better able to feel, comprehend and possibly identify my
feelings in a ways that I was never able to do so before in my life. When I was a kid, I would cry and be told
that was wrong, shameful and unacceptable.
I developed mad skillz in avoiding feeling my feelings that ultimately
led in great part to my becoming a drug addict as I tried to self-medicated
that which could never get enough medication.
Today I am sober and working on feeling my feelings. They often baffle me, but it has become an
interesting puzzle to work on and okay when I don’t completely understand what
I am feeling. If I don’t learn that
moment’s lesson, it is sure to come up again and again until I do finally learn
my lesson. Even then, there are lessons
that I will surely have to revisit again and again as I have a built-in
forgetter of the finest quality.
I am grateful for my increased emotional maturity, increased trust in
the relationship between doing the work and getting the results and for a full
day. Also, Clara is supposed to be here
soon to by my old Cougar for $950. That
is the most I have ever sold one of my used cars for in my life.
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