Halloween Dance

Took Lea, Michelle and Danica to a Halloween costume dance for people in AA.  There was a meeting before the dance that was good, but not all I fantasized about…  Lea looked like the ghost of Little Red Riding Hood, Michelle was dressed in green as a fem fatale version of Robin Hood and Danica had a Bat Girl costume.  They looked great.  We took some pictures, chatted with others and listened to live music for a good hour.  Danica had never danced before and still has not danced.  Lea and Michelle were not up for it either.

It was a pleasant event and we had a good time.   Maybe the best part of the event was simply showing up and chatting with others.  All of us need to practice showing up and having things just be okay—not overwhelming fantastic nor hellish—just okay, pleasant and good enough for today.  We had exactly that experience.   It was good.  It was the first time I took three pretty ladies with me to a dance.  That was cool.

The holiday season is called “the mean season” by some due to the chasm between expectations of Norman Rockwell Americana and reality.  Lea had a fair-sized dose of that going on.  It was the first time she wore a Halloween costume since her kids were little and she left home for the life of an vagabond drug addict.  It was an emotionally loaded event for her that she handled reasonably well.  She planned an elaborate costume with too little time to put it on and so felt rushed but did not have a meltdown beyond castigating herself for a not-perfect costume missing this and that small details.


I am grateful for simply having a nice time on Halloween with good friends and not much drama.  It was a darned good start to the holiday season to build on as we plan on going to three gratitude dinners in November.  Tomorrow night is a salmon dinner in La Conner.  Roadtrip!

Amazon Customer Service

My sister bought me a set of Rachel Ray knives for my birthday six years ago.   A little metal butt-plate on the end of the handle fell off two weeks ago.  Emails to the Rachel Ray company got an auto-response with no actual human contact.  The knives are advertised to have a “Quality Assurance Guarantee” on their Amazon website.

Amazon customer service (ACS) offered me a choice of getting a refund or another knife set since they did not sell the broken French knife as a single piece.  I asked for another set of Rachel Ray knives.  RR had changed the design so that the handles no longer have a metal butt  plate.  ACS could not directly replace the knives so they refunded the purchase price back to my sister.  She ordered me another set of RR knives.

I did not expect ACS to take such a pro-active stand on warranting someone else’s product six years after the purchase.   If I did not already buy as much as I can from Amazon, I would now buy a higher percentage.  Kudos to Amazon customer service for a pleasant surprise in owning someone else’s broken product.


I am grateful for an extremely high level of customer service by Amazon and will continue to pay $99 for Amazon Prime membership for years to come.

A Great Lunch and then Feeling Slightly Poorly

Took Lea & Michelle to Bell Square for lunch today to catch a Restaurant Week in Seattle special at McCormick & Schmick’s. In part this was a celebration of Michelle having a month of sobriety for the first time in a year.  Regular lunch prices were in line the RW specials.  The food was great.  It has been several years since I last went there with Carol.  It will be less time until my next visit.

My tummy has been hurting this afternoon and evening like I am starting to come down with the flu.  I got my yearly flu shot earlier this month. Maybe it is a slight case of the flu until the vaccine and my body can fight it off.  A mildly upset tummy and slight headache is not the worst feeling in the world, but I don’t feel like writing much.  Was going to go swimming tonight until I started getting ready to go and quickly nixed that plan.

I am grateful for a wonderful lunch and feeling only slightly bad.  Lea, Michelle and I are getting along well.  Things could be a lot worse.

Being Nicer to Myself and Others

Last week I completed 21 days of being kinder via daily email suggestions from http://www.kindspring.org.  Those activities changed my mindset enabling me to be a kinder more generous and thus happier person.  Today I bought some Halloween costume accessories for three people with no income so they could dress up for a Halloween dance on Friday.  I got to do it in a way that was “right-sized” so I showed up in a kindly way and not the sarcastic ass or big-shot pretender as I have been in similar past situations.  It felt good for all of us.

I have a hard time with holidays.   They are much more pleasant than how they used to be, but there is a chasm between what “should be” and what is for reasons such as not spending any time with blood relatives on holidays.  Now I have an adopted family in recovery.  We nearly always get along and time with them is fantastically better than mass self-pity over the loss of what never was.


I am grateful to the many others that have been nice to me, those that showed and taught me how to be nice and the people I am able to help today.  It is good to be able to be the right-sized kind person I always wanted to be.

More Emotional Literacy


We were talking about anger at a meeting tonight.  In the past, all most of us could do was silent, rage, or passive-aggressive.  Thanks to the miracle of recovery, we can talk about anger without having to start yelling, crying or running away.  That is a lot of progress from how it used to be.

It was weird in early recovery.  I realized I know the dictionary definition of many types of feelings such as sorrow, joy, love and serenity, but I did not actually know the sensation of these feelings.  It was the emotional equivalent of being physically poked by something and not knowing whether it was sharp, dull, hot or cold.

My emotional literacy is vastly improved from how it used to be.  Now I usually know if a given feeling is a positive or negative emotion in real time.

I am grateful for much greater emotional literacy today and look forward to becoming more knowledgeable tomorrow.


One Ultimate Authority

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.12x12, p. 132

When I am chosen to carry some small responsibility for my fellows, I ask that God grant me the patience, open-mindedness, and willingness to listen to those I would lead. I must remind myself that I am the trusted servant of others, not their "governor," "teacher," or "instructor." God guides my words and my actions, and my responsibility is to heed His suggestions. Trust is my watchword, I trust others who lead. In the Fellowship of A.A., I entrust God with the ultimate authority of "running the show."
Daily Reflections for October 26th.

AA’s second tradition of but one ultimate authority works really well for me.  Some members are elder statesmen, some are bleeding deacons and most of us are in various stages of working on being a member among members.  Few alcoholics have good long term responses to authority figures—especially in a matter so personal as our own recovery.  Members share experience, strength and hope—not directions, orders and control.

I am grateful for the simplicity of having but one ultimate authority.  I am free to do whatever I want with the understanding that I am also liable for the consequences of my behaviors.




My Front Room Is Still A Mess

Found a guy that will deliver the old oak entertainment center to a friend next weekend.  A couple of other friends are going to help with moving dirt from the deck garden to the dumpster next week.  They will also help with a box of flower bulbs that need to be planted in the fall for a timely start on their spring growth.  Pots need to de-vegetated from this years plants, planted and stacked in the corner.

Tomorrow I will work on my HTPC.  Then we can move my primary PC under my computer desk, wire up the speakers and have a cleaner desktop making more room for other crap…

Made a rib eye steak sandwich on a Whole Foods baguette for lunch today.  It was a slice of heaven.  Tomorrow we will have Beef Stroganoff made from a chunked-up rib roast.  I am looking forward to that.

Went swimming, attended two meetings and watched multiple games of college football today thanks to the miracle of channel surfing  It was a good day.

Watched some other people spend time counting things they did not have and being not-mindful by trying to multitask or maybe they were maximizing (always looking for something better) instead of satisficing (being okay with what they had).  Whatever, it was not working for them.  They had a painful level of anxiety and not happy.  Watching them served to motivate me to strive to be increase my mindfulness in the future.


I am grateful my biggest problem today is slightly excessive materialism in my front room for another week.

Happiness Practice #7: Self-Compassionate Letter

Writing a self-compassionate letter is a week 7 assignment from my free MOOC online class from UC Berkeley on the The Science of Happiness.  Killing two birds with one stone, I will use it for tonight’s Gratitude blog post.  The assignment is laid out below the fold (“+++++++”).  “You” is a third-person reference to me by my imaginary friend.


One thing that makes me feel bad about myself is my negative self-talk ruminating over shameful or embarrassing moments from my past whether it was earlier today, last week or 4th grade.  Negative self-talk makes me feel less-than, shame and wanting to isolate from others.  It is painful and incredibly destructive to my self-worth past, present and future.

1)  Imagining kind words from someone (my higher power works for me) that loves me and accepts me unconditionally for who I am is having them part their arm around me as a young child giving me a hug and telling me they love me and we all make mistakes.   They would tell me how important it is that I develop healthy social skills and being in good relationships with as many people as I possibly can be.  The best part of life is our relationships with others.

2)  We all have flaws causing suffering from life’s slings and arrows.  What matters most is how we process that pain and get back to being the happiest most well-adjusted person we can be.  That is true grit.  We all get knocked down.  Getting up quickly and moving on to better things results in less time spent wallowing in the mire of negativity.  We all struggle with pain, loss and hurt feelings.  All alcoholics and addicts suffer from negative self-talk and the misery of ruminating over a past which can’t be changed.

3)  Nature and nurture from a mother that lost her mother at six years old and a much absent father raised by a single mom during the depression meant they had no experience with a happy healthy nuclear family.  Your paternal grandfather was probably an alcoholic.  Your mother was an alcoholic and your father had a money addiction.  You only met your maternal grandfather one time as a small child.  Family was not a place of love and support.  Of course you had relationship issues that caused emotional problems.

4)  What can you now do differently to mitigate or overcome your negative self-talk with loving kindness that results in being happier with better relationships and more love in your life?   I can spend more time with others that like and appreciate me much as I like and appreciate them.   Doing social activities at home would be a huge change.  I never have people over for a meal or to socialize.   Increased physical activity would result in better fitness, losing weight and increased energy.  Focusing on increasing love and happiness in my life will result in less time spent hearing negative self-talk.

5)  In the future when I am feeling down, I will refer back to this letter of loving support from my imaginary friend to help me feel better.


This was a positive experience in creating self-compassion for me and my inner child.  I will be kinder to myself in the future with much more self-compassion resulting in less shame from my self-talk.

I am grateful for the courage and willingness to have given up all hope for a better past by coming to serene terms with the one I had.  I have had many many more good experiences than bad experiences in my life.  Self-compassion helps me to heal the open emotional wounds of the bad experiences so that I am a healthy functional mature happy loving adult.




+++++++++++++++++

Happiness Practice #7:
Self-Compassionate Letter
Background
This exercise asks you to write a letter to yourself expressing compassion for an aspect of yourself that you don’t like. Research suggests that people who respond with compassion to their own flaws and setbacks—rather than beating themselves up over them—experience greater physical and mental health. 
Time required
15 minutes
Instructions
First, identify something about yourself that makes you feel ashamed, insecure, or not good enough. It could be something related to your personality, behavior, abilities, relationships, or any other part of your life. 
Once you identify something, write it down and describe how it makes you feel. Sad? Embarrassed? Angry? Try to be as honest as possible, keeping in mind that no one but you will see what you write. 
The next step is to write a letter to yourself expressing compassion, understanding, and acceptance for the part of yourself that you dislike. 
As you write, follow these guidelines:
1. Imagine that there is someone who loves and accepts you unconditionally for who you are. What would that person say to you about this part of yourself?
2. Remind yourself that everyone has things about themselves that they don’t like, and that no one is without flaws. Think about how many other people in the world are struggling with the same thing that you’re struggling with.
3. Consider the ways in which events that have happened in your life, the family environment you grew up in, or even your genes may have contributed to this negative aspect of yourself. 
4. In a compassionate way, ask yourself whether there are things that you could do to improve or better cope with this negative aspect. Focus on how constructive changes could make you feel happier, healthier, or more fulfilled, and avoid judging yourself.
5. After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back to it later and read it again. It may be especially helpful to read it whenever you’re feeling bad about this aspect of yourself, as a reminder to be more self-compassionate.
Evidence that it works
Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 18(9), 1133-1143.
Participants in an online study who wrote a compassionate paragraph to themselves regarding a personal weakness subsequently reported greater feelings of self-compassion. They also experienced other psychological benefits, such as greater motivation for self-improvement.
Other supporting evidence
Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B., Adams, C. E., Allen, A. B., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 887-904.
Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28-44.
Shapira, L. B., & Mongrain, M. (2010). The benefits of self-compassion and optimism exercises for individuals vulnerable to depression. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5, 377-389.
Why it works
Self-compassion reduces painful feelings of shame and self-criticism that can compromise mental health and well-being and stand in the way of personal growth. Writing is a powerful way to cope with negative feelings and change the way you think about a difficult situation.
Writing in a self-compassionate way can help you replace your self-critical voice with a more compassionate one--one that comforts and reassures you rather than berating yourself for your shortcomings. It takes time and practice, but the more your write in this way, the more familiar and natural the compassionate voice will feel, and the easier it will be to remember to treat yourself kindly when you’re feeling down on yourself. 







Glad It Is Not Me

A 39-year old man called me today asking me for bus money.  When I discussed taking his taking action to get help from social service agencies that provide things such as rent and bus passes, he went into a major manipulative mode stating he had not heard of such agencies.  When discussing contacting them, he complained of anxiety.  When discussing being mindful and meditation, he complained of being told what to do.  I left that conversation with an icky feeling that has lasted for hours.

I am not able to help people that won’t help themselves by having at least enough willingness to talk about taking action, much less having the willingness to take action.

I understand he is depressed.  That is the inevitable outcome of staying home, isolating, refusing to take action, lying and failed manipulation.  I have compassion and empathy for him.  Unfortunately in my experience, I am unable to help people that won’t help themselves.  Having healthy boundaries will help me allow him to hit his bottom so that he becomes beaten into a state of reasonableness—hopefully before he dies from the consequences of addiction.

I did become engaged in his drama by trying to help him.  It feels like all he wanted was money for telling BS lies.  I hope he finds the help he needs.  I certainly won’t be providing the money he was asking for.

I am grateful to be responsible for my bills, transportation needs and having better boundaries with sick people that won’t take action to help themselves.  Writing about these conversation made me feel a lot less icky.


Working With Others

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends - this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.

Lea got her first sponsee tonight.  That is the best thing that could have happened to her.  Working with others is vital to our recovery.  We learn how to be a friend, make new friends, and become much happier in our own lives.

I am grateful for the fellowship I have found in recovery and for the progress that Lea has made in her recovery.



A Messy Front Room

The front room in our apartment is a mess and has been for a month or two.  That is my fault.  I got into buying tools and supplies for making silver and copper jewelry over the course of the summer.  Unfortunately my organizing things fell way behind my buying stuff.

I have an Oak entertainment center that Doug gave me 15 years ago.  Lea was using it as a dresser for the last year until she got her new bunkbed/dresser.  Now the entertainment center is also in the front room.

The mess bothered me—but apparently not enough to take action.  I am going to put the Entertainment Center on Craigslist for free (right now).  Once we get rid of that, it will be time for me to put the jewelry paraphernalia away.

I have been fighting PC problems for months.  Obviously I have alternatives or that would have been working ASAP.  My safety limit is to have at least two working PCs which I do.  Getting the third PC in working order will help clear up the mess.

As Alice would say at our Sunday night meeting “I have a classier set of problems today”.

I am grateful that my problems stem from having too much stuff and are not problems of scarcity.  It is fantastically less stressful to put away and get rid of stuff versus suffering from a lack of material and economic resources.



I Voted Today

Received my ballot by mail today and then filled it out this afternoon so I could leave it at the no postage required dropbox at Crossroads Mall.  Election day is not for another two weeks.
  
The biggest question I have is who is funding the NRA and their pro-gun high level of crazy money spending lobbying?  I know the US spends more on weapons than the next 10 countries combined.  Even our military-industrial complex knows that we should not arm all countries to the teeth.  There is an initiative to have more background checks on gun sales.  The pro-gun crowd came up with a parallel initiative to obfuscate the issue.

They make guns in Connecticut.  Why is it such an issue if we try to avoid a Texas level of clock tower crazy in Washington State much less elevating to a Virginia Tech level homicidal?

Someday we might get to vote using an online process.  It would make for fast and easy tabulation of votes.  There are way too many security pitfalls such as proprietary unreviewed software for me to want to rush into that.  Paper ballots leave a wonderful trail in a time-tested process that has been successfully used for millennia.

My biggest voting wish is to have a choice besides more than the binary two-party system of Democrats and Republicans.  Neither party comes close to genuinely representing my views on nearly all topics.  Their lip service sounds great.  Unfortunately Boeing got the biggest tax break in US history while commute times increased and the State Supreme Court held the State Legislature in contempt for failing to fund education per the State Constitution.  Who decided crappy education for Washington was the way to save money for Boeing now headquartered in Chicago?

In theory, this is a gratitude blog.  Some posts have a lot more rant than others in them.  It is good to be able to rant in public.  A large fraction of the world’s population is not able to safely rant about their crappy politicians.


I am grateful I got to vote early without having to produce picture ID and wait in line.

Love and Happiness: My Mission For My Life

My mom and dad were addicted to alcohol and money respectively.  I was raised without a working paradigm for personal values.  My life was off-kilter since early childhood. 

A vital element missing from my life—even in recovery—is a “mission” or life purpose for me to believe in and strive for.   While at a meeting this morning, it occurred to me that the pursuit of love and happiness in healthy way is now my life’s mission.  It is profoundly comforting to have a mission to strive for and believe in.

My pursuit of love and happiness will revolve around being a kinder more loving person with an increasing social network of better friends that is nicer to strangers.

For years, I had been existing growing one day closer to death each day without a particular purpose.  I am an introvert by nature and nurture.  Thus I will likely never grow a big giant social network, but I can certainly build on what I have to make a bigger and better one.

I don’t have it all thought out and likely never will.  My best thinking has lead to all too many terrible choices.  I will work on being happier and more loving one day at a time.

I am grateful to have finally found my purpose in life.  That made today a better day.

Shopping for Halloween costumes with Danica and Lea was also fun and loving.


Barbara Fredrickson on Positivity

The following is a cut-n-paste from Greater Good.  There is a 7-minute video for the AV lovers.

I [Fredrickson] study positive emotions.  I realize this can sound frivolous, especially at a time when we’re facing widespread unemployment, when we’re sending soldiers into repeated tours of duty, when we’re confronted with a global environmental crisis.

But after two decades of research on positive emotions, I’ve come to realize that understanding positive emotions can help us address these problems and more.  I’m not just talking about jump-for-joy positive emotions. There are a whole range of positive emotions out there, including feelings of gratitude, feelings of serenity and tranquility, and feelings of love and closeness for the people we care for.  My colleagues and I have learned how positive emotions change the way our minds and our bodies work—change the very nature of who we are, down to our cells—transforming our outlook on life and our ability to confront challenges. Indeed, the science of positive emotions is key to helping people deal with adversity and live a meaningful life.
More on Positivity

Far from being trivial, we’ve found that positive emotions broaden our awareness in ways that reshape who we are, and they build up our useful traits in ways that bring out the best in us, helping us become the best versions of ourselves.  Positive emotions open our mind
In my research, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two core truths about all of the different kinds of positive emotions. The first is that they open us: They literally change the boundaries of our minds and our hearts and change our outlook on our environment.
Now let me get poetic here for a moment. Imagine you’re a water lily. It’s early dawn and your petals are closed in around your face. If you can see anything at all, it’s just a little spot of sunlight.  But as the sun rises in the sky, things begin to change. Your blinders around your face begin to open and your world quite literally expands. You can see more. Your world is larger.
Just as the warmth of sunlight opens flowers, the warmth of positivity opens our minds and hearts. It changes our visual perspective at a really basic level, along with our ability to see our common humanity with others.

We know this because we’ve done studies where we induce positive emotions in some people—by giving them a gift, making them have a positive experience, or showing them images of cute puppies or a beautiful sunset—but not others. In one of these studies in my own lab, we showed people a figure (see image on the left) and asked which of two comparison figures most resemble it. As you can see, one of the figures (the three triangles) resembles the top figure in its general configuration, while the other (the four squares) resembles it in its local details.
What we found was if we induced positive emotions in people, they were more likely to step back and say the figure of the three triangles was most similar to the top figure. They were seeing the big picture.

One of my favorite studies along these lines comes out of Adam Anderson’s lab at the University of Toronto. The researchers observed people’s brain activity while showing them photos of a face placed against a house in the background (see image on the left). They asked the people to judge whether the face was male or female but to ignore everything else in the picture.
There’s a part of the brain that lights up when we see a human face, and there’s also a brain region that lights up when we think about physical places, like a house. Which part would light up here?
The researchers found that when you induce a positive emotion, the “place” area lit up—people couldn’t help but pick up on the context of the photo, even when they were told to ignore it. When people were feeling neutral or negative emotions, they didn’t see the house at all.  This suggests that people are inescapably attuned to context when they’re experiencing positive emotions. They have a wider awareness, which may explain why people have a better memory for peripheral details when they’re remembering episodes that were positive.

If positive emotions open our awareness and increase the expanse of our peripheral vision, that means that they help us see more possibilities. And there are lots of benefits that flow from this.
People are more creative when they’re experiencing positive emotions; when solving a problem, they come up with more ideas of what they might do next. This enhanced creativity has been directly linked to having a wider awareness.

People are more likely to be resilient. I have conducted a whole line of research showing that people are able to bounce back more quickly from adversity when they’re experiencing positive emotions.  Kids’ academic performance improves. Research has shown that kids do better on math tests or other tests if they’re just asked to sit and think of a positive memory before they take the test.  There are medical benefits. Really neat research shows doctors make better medical decisions when they’re given a bag of candy—a really small way of inducing positive emotions. Keep that in mind the next time you go to your doctor’s office!

Positive emotions make us more socially connected to others, even across groups. My former students Kareem Johnson and I found that positive emotions allow us to look past racial and cultural differences and see the unique individual behind those traits. They help us see the universal qualities we share with others, not our differences. And other experiments show that if you induce positive emotions, people are more trusting and come to better win-win situations in negotiations.

So positive emotions don’t just help us see the glass half full—that’s true, but it’s not the whole story. They also help us see larger forms of interconnection. They help us see the big picture.
Positive emotions transform us The second core truth about positive emotions is that they transform us for the better—they bring out the best in us.


Now one interesting fact about all living things is that scientists estimate that, on average, we replace one percent of our cells each day. That’s another one percent tomorrow, about 30 percent by next month, and by next season, 100 percent of our cells from today—that’s one way of looking at it. So maybe it’s no coincidence that it takes three months or so to learn a new habit or to make a lifestyle change; maybe we need to be teaching our new cells because we can’t teach an old cell new tricks.

But one of the things I think is even more exciting is that the latest science suggests that the pace of cell renewal and the form of cell renewal doesn’t just follow some predetermined DNA script. Our emotions affect that level of cellular change.  What this suggests is that if we increase our daily diet of positive emotions, we broaden our awareness over time and change who we become in the future.
With this in mind, I was inspired by some of the newest research on meditation to look into how people might use meditation to elevate their basic levels of positive emotion—the amount of positive emotions they feel day-in, day-out.  In particular, I looked at a form of meditation called loving-kindness meditation, sometimes called metta, which asks people to take that warm, tender feeling they already have toward a loved one and learn to generate it toward other people, ranging from themselves to people with whom they have difficulties and eventually to all sentient beings on Earth.  People in my studies were novice meditators, but as they learned loving-kindness meditation over the course of eight weeks, their daily levels of positive emotions subtly shifted upwards. And this boost in positive emotions helped them build some important resources.

One of those resources was mindfulness, their ability to stay in the present moment and maintain awareness of their thoughts, feelings, and surroundings.  Also, their close and trusting relationships with others improved from the time they started learning meditation to a few weeks after the training ended.  We also saw improvements in people’s resilience—their ability to bounce back from difficulties and effectively manage the challenges they encountered—and reductions in aches and pains and other signs of physical illness.  These results suggest that if we increase our daily diet of positive emotions, we emerge three months later as more resilient, more socially connected versions of ourselves.  The positivity ratio so positive emotions can clearly carry some profound benefits. But how much positivity do we need in our lives to reap these benefits—how much is enough?

My research with Marcel Losada has actually been closing in on an answer to this question. We’ve concluded that a ratio of at least three-to-one—three positive emotions for every negative emotion—serves as a tipping point, which will help determine whether you languish in life, barely holding on, or flourish, living a life ripe with possibility, remarkably resilient to hard times.

Without going into all the math behind this ratio, I want to stress that this isn’t an arbitrary number. It emerges from a wide ranging analysis we conducted, including analysis of flourishing business teams that we then tested in flourishing individuals and compared to family researcher John Gottman’s work on flourishing marriages. In each case, we found that positivity ratios above three-to-one are associated with doing extraordinary well.  Ratios of about two-to-one are what most of us experience on a daily basis; people who suffer from depression and other emotional disorders are down near one-to-one or lower.  


It’s important to note that the ratio is not three-to-zero. This is not about eliminating all negative emotions. Part of this prescription is the idea that negative emotions are actually necessary.
I actually think a sailboat metaphor is appropriate here. Rising from the sailboat is the enormous mast, which allows the sail to catch the wind and give the boat momentum. But below the waterline is the keel, which can weigh tons.

You can see the mast as positivity and the keel down below as negativity. If you sail, you know that even though it’s the mast that holds the sail, you can’t sail without the keel; the boat would just drift around or tip over. The negativity, the keel, is what allows the boat to stay on course and manageable.  When I once shared this metaphor with an audience, a gentleman said, “You know, when the keel matters most is when you’re sailing upwind, when you’re facing difficulty.” Experiencing and expressing negative emotions is really part of the process for flourishing, even—or especially—during hard times, as they help us stay in touch with the reality of the difficulties we’re facing.

So this idea of the ratio points out where we should be. But how do we get there? What are the best ways to foster positive emotions and achieve this ratio?  Here’s my advice: If you make your motto, “Be positive,” that will actually backfire. It leads to a toxic insincerity that’s shown to be corrosive to our own bodies, to our own cardiovascular system. It’s toxic for our relationships with other people. I think we all know that person who’s trying to pump too much sunshine into our lives.

I think that’s the biggest danger of positive psychology: that people come out of it with this zeal to be positive in a way that’s not genuine and heartfelt.  But there’s a Sufi proverb: There wouldn’t be such a thing as counterfeit gold if there were no real gold somewhere. So how can we tap into those genuine, heartfelt positive emotions without grasping for the counterfeit gold?

One of the things that I think is very useful is to keep in mind that there’s reciprocal relationship between the mindset of positivity and positive emotions—a mindset of positivity begets positive emotions, and positive emotions beget positivity. So if we lightly create the mindset of positivity, from that positive emotions will follow.  How to foster that mindset? It helps to be open, be appreciative, be curious, be kind, and above all, be real and sincere. From these strategies spring positive emotions.

Now some of these are pretty self-explanatory, but I do want to explain what “be open” means as a way to increase your positive emotions. The reason that this works is that so often we can be preoccupied worrying about the future, ruminating about the past so we’re completely oblivious to the goodness that surrounds us in the present moment.  But when we’re really open to our current circumstances, those sources of goodness are so much easier to draw from, and they yield positive emotions.

Another thing, I think, that can be really useful is to step on the positivity scale frequently and track your positivity ratio. When I published my book, I created a free website that allows people to figure out their positivity ratio for a given day. It takes two minutes.  It’s kind of surprising and humbling to realize that, if we’re honest with ourselves, most of us aren’t above this three-to-one ratio on a daily basis.

I think knowing one day’s positivity ratio may not be too informative. But if you take this short measure at the end of every day for two weeks, you could probably get a sense of what your life is like right now. Then continue to use it as you continue to make changes in your life, as you introduce more opportunities to be grateful, or start a meditation practice, or start volunteering and giving more frequently, and then track your positivity ratio and see if it changes—see how those steps make a difference in your life.  Just as a nutritionist will ask people to keep track of their physical activity and their caloric intake as a way to meet their health and fitness goals, this is a way to keep track of your daily emotional diet so you can meet your well-being goals.

I want to close with a famous Native American story. It goes like this: One evening, an old Cherokee tells his grandson that inside all people, a battle goes on between two wolves. One wolf is negativity: anger, sadness, stress, contempt, disgust, fear, embarrassment, guilt, shame, and hate. The other is positivity: joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and above all, love.

The grandson thinks about this for a minute, then asks his grandfather, “Well, which wolf wins?”
The grandfather replies, “The one you feed.”
###


I am grateful for the powerful benefits of positivity in my life.  Reading Fredrickson has changed what I saw, how I say and my thoughts about love for the vastly better.

A Power Greater Than Ourselves

AA’s second step is “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  That is ambiguously open-ended.  For many when they first get to 12-step recovery, that means the power of the group.  Then it becomes some sort of spiritual thing.  For others, it is the Christ or Holy Father or some other religious deity.

At this evening’s meeting, we read step 2 out of the 12x12.  The most important power in my life today is love.  I have heard the phrase “god is love” since childhood.  Thanks to the miracle of Google, I now know that is from John 1:48 “He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.” (KJV). 

Love used to hurt.  Certainly the most painful experiences in my life were done by those that supposedly loved me.  They did love me—in their own brutal horribly dysfunctional way.  Today love is a wonderful experience shared with others in my life.

I am grateful for the love in my life today.


Bellevue Has Great City Government

King County votes all absentee ballot.  There are no voter suppression Jim Crow laws by “must have ID laws” going on elsewhere in the country.  The voting process could not be easier.  I check my choices, sign my name, put the ballot in a two-envelope for signed anonymous voting and can either mail it in or drop it off at a collection box at the mall I go to every week.

King County sends out one voter information pamphlet for all voters in the county so there are many pages of info that don’t pertain to me.  I am okay with that.  It is a lot simpler than trying to create a custom pamphlet for every voter.

The KC-VIP came in the mail today.  While balking on writing my Gratitude blog, I skimmed through the pamphlet.  Looks like the only thing I will be voting on is an uncontested reelection of the KC Prosecuting Attorney and some local judges.  Nobody is running for Bellevue City Council this term.

Most other cities have referendums.  Bellevue has a fantastic city government that does not have to go to the voters to fund basic needs such as parks like Bothell or police like Carnation, Kent and North Bend.

Seattle voters have at least 20 pages of fine print to read and conflicting pre-school referendums to vote on amongst a host of (mostly funding) issues to vote on.   30% of Seattle streets need repair.  That is not going to happen this year or anytime soon.  I don’t even know of a pothole in Bellevue.

30% of Bellevue residents were born in another country besides the US.  It is not a whites-only town with no immigrate issues—they are being dealt with at least acceptably well by government and NGO social service agencies.  Our police don’t go around shooting brown people with little provocation.

Bellevue is far from perfect.  For example, Bellevue’s highest profile landlord, Kemper Freeman, flies to work in a helicopter while fighting against light rail.  Nonetheless, light rail is coming to Bellevue.  Compared with what else is going on around the region, the country and the world, Bellevue city government is mighty danged good.

I am grateful for a well-run city that funds it schools, police, parks, roads and so on through regular taxes and not by referendum due to missing political leadership.

My Checklist, Not Yours

Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness.   12x12, p. 67

Sometimes I don't realize that I gossiped about someone until the end of the day, when I take an inventory of the day's activities, and then, my gossiping appears like a blemish in my beautiful day. How could I have said something like that? Gossip shows its ugly head during a coffee break or lunch with business associates, or I may gossip during the evening, when I'm tired from the day's activities, and feel justified in bolstering my ego at the expense of someone else.
Character defects like gossip sneak into my life when I am not making a constant effort to work the Twelve Steps of recovery. I need to remind myself that my uniqueness is the blessing of my being, and that applies equally to everyone who crosses my path in life's journey. Today the only inventory I need to take is my own. I'll leave judgment of others to the Final Judge — Divine Providence.
Daily Reflections, October 15th

Prior to recovery, I had few close relationships at any given time.  Even until recently in recovery, I had a larger but still limited circle of friends that I usually met with one person at a time.  In the last year, it has become abundantly clear to me that I need more people in my life for reasons of sobriety, health and happiness.

Part of this relationship stuff for me is learning how to talk with my people when I am disturb by an interaction with some other person.  I know I need to talk about it.  My lies of omission were a big part of my 2012 months-long relapse.  I want to never  repeat that experience.

Writing my Gratitude blog is an exercise in learning discretion when I write about my struggles with others.  As best I can figure, I have to practice talking about my problems to become skilled in keeping the focus on myself while not keeping my secrets.  One AA cliché is that I am only as sick as my secrets.  I don’t want to be sick anymore.  Another cliché is pain is mandatory, misery is optional.

It has taken a lot of pain to make this progress.  It could be a lot worse, most alcoholics never get this far.  There is a lot of room for compassion for the younger me that became so shut down as a self-defense mechanism instead of being loved and supported to develop a large social network from an early age.  Wow, that was messed-up job of parenting that taught me to avoid making friends.

I am grateful for the progress I am making in having a bigger and closer support group.   It is more complicated and a lot better than how it used to be.



A Program For Living

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. . . . On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. . . . Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.  Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86

I lacked serenity. With more to do than seemed possible, I fell further behind, no matter how hard I tried. Worries about things not done yesterday and fear of tomorrow's deadlines denied me the calm I needed to be effective each day. Before taking Steps Ten and Eleven, I began to read passages like the one cited above. I tried to focus on God's will, not my problems, and to trust that He would manage my day. It worked! Slowly, but it worked!
Daily Reflections for October 14th.

Lea, Michelle and I needed to have a “house talk” about boundaries and expectations as roommates in recovery.  Lea and I discussed and planned it for almost two hours today with the help of our sponsors and two others that had well over 100 years of sobriety between the four of them.  It was a new experience in my life getting much love and great guidance from much wiser friends for such a volatile topic with a partner (Lea).

When it came time for the talk, Lea wanted to put it off saying she needed to plan and pray about what she was going to say.  I knew I needed to talk about it tonight before I got paid tomorrow morning.  

So I brought it up with Lea and I in the kitchen and Michelle across the counter.   Lea finished making her microwave burrito and walked out of the room.  Michelle said “if that is the way you feel I can just leave” and went into the bathroom for an hour.  I made a big pot of spaghetti.  By the time I finished cleaning up, they were in their room.  I brought up a sort of meta conversation about my/our need to talk.  We did not discuss specifics, but I was able to talk Michelle down a bit and explain to her that it is not all about her.  My sobriety is fragile and precious to me.  I need to do the best job of healthy self-care that I can.

Then I called Diana to “bookend”our conversation and checkin with her.  She was very supportive.  It was incredibly helpful to have guidance and support from someone with 40+ years experience in substance abuse treatment.  I would not have done nearly so well on my own.  We did manage to at least figuratively point at an issue and say that we need to talk about that without yelling or running away from home.  That is plenty good enough for today.

I am grateful for the progress we have made in our recoveries getting our lives and relationships back on track.  Before it would have been anger, scorn, derision, the silent treatment and running away.  This is a lot better than how it used to be.



True Love

The spiritual growth we enjoy in AA is a product of the never-ending school for living which our fellowship provides.  The subject in that school that opened my eyes most quickly and filled my heart most fully was love.  I never knew true love until I began my recovery in AA.  My schooling in that emotion began early and led me to the conclusion that love is what creates in a sober AA member the outer show of an inner glow.
- The Best Of The Grapevine [Vol. 3], p. 294

My schooling in learning about love took years for me to recognize how important it is to me and for all of us.  It was only by my recent readings in positive psychology that I was gifted with the insight that love is the most important thing I can change in my world.

Today I went to see my childhood friend Bob at the UW Medical Center.  He has 11 brain tumors that have been reduced to a lesser number via chemo and a gamma-knife radiation treatment.  Yesterday he woke up paralyzed in all but his right arm but still had sensation in all limbs.  Today he was able to stand with balance support by physical therapists. The problem is due to swelling around one (or more) of the brain tumors.  Hopefully the swelling will go away soon and he will make a nearly full recovery.  The tumors might take as long as 6 months to die from the gamma-knife treatment or he might get one more treatment.  Apparently one of the tumors is close to the brain stem.

It was extremely ironic seeing him in bed mostly paralyzed at the UWMC.  33 years ago, Bob was a frequent visitor when I was paralyzed from the waist down at Harborview.  I was a very cheerful visitor today.  I brought him 3 bunches of flowers and a vase making a beautiful  bouquet with fragrant lilies.

I am grateful for the love in my life today.  It is wonderful to be able to give and get love from the people in my life today.





A Program Of Attraction

Two women I know just got new sobriety dates after severe consequences from alcohol abuse.  Both of them are convinced they know best how things should be instead of accepting things as they are.  Naturally, they are not happy.

The phrase that comes to mind for me is “if you want we have, do what we did”.   They are both sure that won’t work for them.  Their heinous pain is strong motivation for me to stick with the winners and do what they did.

I am grateful for my friends, a warm place to live, plenty of food, a reliable car, my higher power and my sobriety.   I am as serene as I have ever been in my life today.  Reasonably happy too.


Curbing Rashness

When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot.  12x12 pg. 91

Being fair-minded and tolerant is a goal toward which I must work daily. I ask God, as I understand Him, to help me to be loving and tolerant to my loved ones, and to those with whom I am in close contact. I ask for guidance to curb my speech when I am agitated, and I take a moment to reflect on the emotional upheaval my words may cause, not only to someone else, but also to myself. Prayer, meditation and inventories are the key to sound thinking and positive action for me.
Daily Reflections for October 12th.

I am grateful for my newfound restraint of pen and tongue.  My relationships are much better and the damage is much less than how it used to be with my sarcastic or angry responses.




Pain As Motivation

It is written that “pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress.”  I thought that meant that we had to have pain to have progress as in having made progress after being touched by pain.  

Looking up “touchstone”, I learned that it is a flint-like stone used to test gold and silver for purity.  A literal interpretation does not make sense to me, i.e., would you rub your spiritual progress on pain to measure the purity of your progress?

It turns out that we can also use love and kindness to make spiritual progress.

Uncontrolled pain typically results in addicts using.  With training, practice, skill and time, we can channel our pain into motivation to do work that relieves the pain.

I was in a bit of pain tonight and went swimming, I feel better and am a grateful for a positive outlet to relieve my angst.

I watched others in pain, angst and fear not trust the process and not have a way to relieve the pain.  That was miserable.  They will either have to suffer, use and suffer, die or take action.  I was not able to get them to take positive action.   I hope they do healthy self-care action before they use or die.


I am grateful for my having the faith to do healthy self-care actions when in some pain today.   That is a lot better than how it used to be with heinous pain and no positive action plans.  I could only use or suffer.  That sucked.

I Am Full

Had a late dinner after our 2nd Thursday meeting at the Washington State Reformatory.  It was a good meeting sandwiched between wonderful conversation on the way there and back with Lisa and Leslee.


I am grateful for a full life today.

A Spiritual Axiom

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. 12x12 pg 90

I never truly understood the Tenth Step's spiritual axiom until I had the following experience. I was sitting in my bedroom, reading into the wee hours, when suddenly I heard my dogs barking in the back yard. My neighbors frown on this kind of disturbance so, with mixed feelings of anger and shame, as well as fear of my neighbors' disapproval, I immediately called in my dogs. Several weeks later the exact situation repeated itself but this time, because I was feeling more at peace with myself, I was able to accept the situation—dogs will bark—and I calmly called in the dogs. Both incidents taught me that when a person experiences nearly identical events and reacts two different ways, then it is not the event which is of prime importance, but the person's spiritual condition. Feelings come from inside,not from outward circumstances. When my spiritual condition is positive, I react positively. 
  Daily Reflections for October 9th

I am much better checking myself when I am bothered by external events than how it used to be.  Now I usually pause when agitated to reflect on what is truly bothering me.  Inevitably it not the just happened actual event/action that is bothering me, but my interpretation and emotional response that is my problem.

While drunk last week, Michelle was beaten to within an inch of her life.   She is still bruised, sore and not able to use her right arm.  This morning she decided that it was more important to make phone calls than go to a meeting.  I reviewed our first tradition, “Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity."  Explaining that going to meetings with others is vastly more important to those of us that have struggled to stay sober than it is sitting home alone making phone calls.  She had clearly made her choice and I left for our morning meeting feeling sad.

In the AA big book, one of the first examples of alcoholic behavior is of the jaywalker.
"Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs."

"On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?"

"You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism or any addiction for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language but isn't it true?"


While I did not get done nearly as much as was hoped for today, I did go to a meeting, talk with others and stay physically, mentally and emotionally sober today.  I got to process being saddened Michelle’s decisions and recognize that it is not my problem.  My problem is how I will respond to her not going to meetings.  I will likely not say much beyond the fact that I will not and cannot work on her recovery harder than she is.  She will either do the work or go back out.

I am grateful that I am willing to do the work to stay sober today.

A Daily Inventory

Immediately following the 9th step promises from the AA big book is the 10th step.

This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.

Avoiding selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear is huge progress in my life and my thinking.   To cease fighting anyone or anything is a wonderful bonus.  Improving my relationship with my higher power (even if only as an imaginary friend) greatly reduces that sense of always being alone and lonely—especially when in a crowd.

I have made my relationships with others a much higher priority in my life.   For years I knew it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  Unfortunately my actions were ruled by a fear of avoiding loss by never having anything that I was afraid to lose.  That made for a lonely life that was angry, resentful and addicted.

I am grateful for the vastly improvements in my relationships and my mental health this year.  Writing my Gratitude blog is a powerful daily inventory which forces me to look at the blessings in my life instead of being focused on my shortcomings.   My life and thinking is a lot better than how it used to be.  I continue to make mistakes on a daily basis, but now I can own them and promptly admit my wrongs.