Happiness Practice #7: Self-Compassionate Letter

Writing a self-compassionate letter is a week 7 assignment from my free MOOC online class from UC Berkeley on the The Science of Happiness.  Killing two birds with one stone, I will use it for tonight’s Gratitude blog post.  The assignment is laid out below the fold (“+++++++”).  “You” is a third-person reference to me by my imaginary friend.

One thing that makes me feel bad about myself is my negative self-talk ruminating over shameful or embarrassing moments from my past whether it was earlier today, last week or 4^th grade.  Negative self-talk makes me feel less-than, shame and wanting to isolate from others.  It is painful and incredibly destructive to my self-worth past, present and future.

1)  Imagining kind words from someone (my higher power works for me) that loves me and accepts me unconditionally for who I am is having them part their arm around me as a young child giving me a hug and telling me they love me and we all make mistakes.   They would tell me how important it is that I develop healthy social skills and being in good relationships with as many people as I possibly can be.  The best part of life is our relationships with others.

2)  We all have flaws causing suffering from life’s slings and arrows.  What matters most is how we process that pain and get back to being the happiest most well-adjusted person we can be.  That is true grit.  We all get knocked down.  Getting up quickly and moving on to better things results in less time spent wallowing in the mire of negativity.  We all struggle with pain, loss and hurt feelings.  All alcoholics and addicts suffer from negative self-talk and the misery of ruminating over a past which can’t be changed.

3)  Nature and nurture from a mother that lost her mother at six years old and a much absent father raised by a single mom during the depression meant they had no experience with a happy healthy nuclear family.  Your paternal grandfather was probably an alcoholic.  Your mother was an alcoholic and your father had a money addiction.  You only met your maternal grandfather one time as a small child.  Family was not a place of love and support.  Of course you had relationship issues that caused emotional problems.

4)  What can you now do differently to mitigate or overcome your negative self-talk with loving kindness that results in being happier with better relationships and more love in your life?   I can spend more time with others that like and appreciate me much as I like and appreciate them.   Doing social activities at home would be a huge change.  I never have people over for a meal or to socialize.   Increased physical activity would result in better fitness, losing weight and increased energy.  Focusing on increasing love and happiness in my life will result in less time spent hearing negative self-talk.

5)  In the future when I am feeling down, I will refer back to this letter of loving support from my imaginary friend to help me feel better.

This was a positive experience in creating self-compassion for me and my inner child.  I will be kinder to myself in the future with much more self-compassion resulting in less shame from my self-talk.

I am grateful for the courage and willingness to have given up all hope for a better past by coming to serene terms with the one I had.  I have had many many more good experiences than bad experiences in my life.  Self-compassion helps me to heal the open emotional wounds of the bad experiences so that I am a healthy functional mature happy loving adult.

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Happiness Practice #7:
Self-Compassionate Letter

Background

This exercise asks you to write a letter to yourself expressing compassion for an aspect of yourself that you don’t like. Research suggests that people who respond with compassion to their own flaws and setbacks—rather than beating themselves up over them—experience greater physical and mental health. 

Time required

15 minutes

Instructions

First, identify something about yourself that makes you feel ashamed, insecure, or not good enough. It could be something related to your personality, behavior, abilities, relationships, or any other part of your life. 

Once you identify something, write it down and describe how it makes you feel. Sad? Embarrassed? Angry? Try to be as honest as possible, keeping in mind that no one but you will see what you write. 

The next step is to write a letter to yourself expressing compassion, understanding, and acceptance for the part of yourself that you dislike. 

As you write, follow these guidelines:

1. Imagine that there is someone who loves and accepts you unconditionally for who you are. What would that person say to you about this part of yourself?

2. Remind yourself that everyone has things about themselves that they don’t like, and that no one is without flaws. Think about how many other people in the world are struggling with the same thing that you’re struggling with.

3. Consider the ways in which events that have happened in your life, the family environment you grew up in, or even your genes may have contributed to this negative aspect of yourself. 

4. In a compassionate way, ask yourself whether there are things that you could do to improve or better cope with this negative aspect. Focus on how constructive changes could make you feel happier, healthier, or more fulfilled, and avoid judging yourself.

5. After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back to it later and read it again. It may be especially helpful to read it whenever you’re feeling bad about this aspect of yourself, as a reminder to be more self-compassionate.

Evidence that it works

Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 18(9), 1133-1143.

Participants in an online study who wrote a compassionate paragraph to themselves regarding a personal weakness subsequently reported greater feelings of self-compassion. They also experienced other psychological benefits, such as greater motivation for self-improvement.

Other supporting evidence

Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B., Adams, C. E., Allen, A. B., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 887-904.

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28-44.

Shapira, L. B., & Mongrain, M. (2010). The benefits of self-compassion and optimism exercises for individuals vulnerable to depression. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5, 377-389.

Why it works

Self-compassion reduces painful feelings of shame and self-criticism that can compromise mental health and well-being and stand in the way of personal growth. Writing is a powerful way to cope with negative feelings and change the way you think about a difficult situation.

Writing in a self-compassionate way can help you replace your self-critical voice with a more compassionate one--one that comforts and reassures you rather than berating yourself for your shortcomings. It takes time and practice, but the more your write in this way, the more familiar and natural the compassionate voice will feel, and the easier it will be to remember to treat yourself kindly when you’re feeling down on yourself.