Straight
cut-n-paste from:
The
Practice
Take in the good.
Why?
Scientists believe that your brain has a
built-in “negativity bias.” In other words, as we evolved over millions of
years, dodging sticks and chasing carrots, it was a lot more important to
notice, react to, and remember sticks than it was for carrots.
That’s because – in the tough environments in
which our ancestors lived – if they missed out on a carrot, they usually had a
shot at another one later on. But if they failed to avoid a stick – a predator,
a natural hazard, or aggression from others of their species – WHAM, no more
chances to pass on their genes.
The negativity bias
shows up in lots of ways. For example, studies
have found that:
•
In a relationship, it typically takes five good interactions to make up for a
single bad one.
•
People will work much harder to avoid losing $100 than they will work to gain
the same amount of money.
•
Painful experiences are much more memorable than pleasurable ones.
In your own mind, what do you usually think
about at the end of the day? The fifty things that went right, or the one that
went wrong? Like the guy who cut you off in traffic, what you wish you had said
differently to a co-worker, or the one thing on your To Do list that didn’t get
done . . .
In effect, the brain is
like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones. That shades “implicit memory” – your
underlying expectations, beliefs, action strategies, and mood – in an
increasingly negative direction.
And that’s just not fair, since probably most
of the facts in your life are positive or neutral. Every day, lots of good
things happen, such as a lovely sunset, someone is nice to you, you finish a
batch of emails, or you learn something new. And lots of other good things are
ongoing aspects of your world (e.g., your children are healthy, life is
peaceful in your corner of the planet) or yourself (e.g., personal qualities
like determination, sincerity, fairness, kindness).
Besides the sheer injustice of it, acquiring a
big pile of negative experiences in implicit memory banks naturally makes a
person more anxious, irritable, and blue. Plus it makes it harder to be patient
and giving toward others.
In evolution, Mother Nature only cares about
passing on genes – by any means necessary. She doesn’t care if we happen to suffer
along the way - from subtle worries to intense feelings of sorrow,
worthlessness, or anger – or create suffering for others.
The result: a brain that is tilted against
lasting contentment and fulfillment.
But you don’t have to
accept this bias! By tilting toward the good – “good” in the practical sense of that which brings
more happiness to oneself and more helpfulness to others – you merely level the
playing field.
You’ll still see the tough parts of life. In
fact, you’ll become more able to change them or bear them if you tilt toward
the good, since that will help put challenges in perspective, lift your energy
and spirits, highlight useful resources, and fill up your own cup so you have
more to offer to others.
And now, tilted toward absorbing the good,
instead of positive experiences washing through you like water through a sieve,
they’ll collect in implicit memory deep down in your brain. In the famous
saying, “neurons that fire together, wire together.” The more you get your
neurons firing about positive facts, the more they’ll be wiring up positive
neural structures.
Taking in the good is a brain-science savvy
and psychologically skillful way to improve how you feel, get things done, and
treat others. It is among the top five personal growth methods I know. In
addition to being good for adults, it’s great for children, helping them to
become more resilient, confident, and happy.
Here’s how to take in the good – in three
simple steps.
How?
1. Look for good
facts, and turn them into good experiences.
Good facts include positive events – like the
taste of good coffee or getting an unexpected compliment – and positive aspects
of the world and yourself. When you notice something good, let yourself feel
good about it.
Try to do this at least a half dozen times a
day. There are lots of opportunities to notice good events, and you can always
recognize good things about the world and yourself. Each time takes just 30
seconds or so. It’s private; no one needs to know you are taking in the good.
You can do it on the fly in daily life, or at special times of reflection, like
just before falling asleep (when the brain is especially receptive to new
learning).
Notice any reluctance to feeling good. Such as
thinking that you don’t deserve to, or that it’s selfish, vain, or even
shameful to feel pleasure. Or that if you feel good, you will lower your guard
and let bad things happen.
Barriers to feeling good are common and
understandable – but they get in the way of you taking in the resources you
need to feel better, have more strength, and have more inside to give to
others. So acknowledge them to yourself, and then turn your attention back to
the good news. Keep opening up to it, breathing and relaxing, letting the good
facts affect you.
It’s like sitting down to a meal: don’t just
look at it—taste it!
2. Really enjoy
the experience.
Most of the time, a good experience is pretty
mild, and that’s fine. But try to stay with it for 20 or 30 seconds in a row –
instead of getting distracted by something else.
As you can, sense that it is filling your
body, becoming a rich experience. As Marc Lewis and other researchers have
shown, the longer that something is held in awareness and the more emotionally
stimulating it is, the more neurons that fire and thus wire together, and the
stronger the trace in memory.
You are not craving or clinging to positive
experiences, since that would ultimately lead to tension and disappointment.
Actually, you are doing the opposite: by taking them in and filling yourself up
with them, you will increasingly feel less fragile or needy inside, and less
dependent on external supplies; your happiness and love will become more
unconditional, based on an inner fullness rather than on whether the momentary
facts in your life happen to be good ones.
3. Intend and
sense that the good experience is sinking into you.
People do this in different ways. Some feel it
in their body like a warm glow spreading through their chest like the warmth of
a cup of hot cocoa on a cold wintry day. Others visualize things like a golden
syrup sinking down inside, bringing good feelings and soothing old places of
hurt, filling in old holes of loss or yearning; a child might imagine a jewel
going into a treasure chest in her heart. And some might simply know
conceptually, that while this good experience is held in awareness, its neurons
are firing busily away, and gradually wiring together
*
* *
Any single time you do this will make only a
little difference. But over time those little differences will add up,
gradually weaving positive experiences into the fabric of your brain and your
self.
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