Since I was my early teens, I know that I was either programmed to fail
or had a fear of success. That question was
resolved in my 40s due to AA explaining that nearly of our self-destructive
thoughts, feelings and actions were triggered by fear. Most simply, it was either not getting what we
wanted or losing something we already had.
The old tapes in my head convinced me that “things never work out for me”. Naturally with that fundamental belief things
never did work out for me. I always
self-destructed and/or would not try my best to do well and finish what I was
working on. I never did my best and
never got my best results.
I have great awareness of this shortcoming and many tools for how to
overcome my fears. A great cliché for
this is procrastination is paralyzed by
fear in five syllables. I have been
balking on doing simple projects with the consequent result of a great rise in
negative self-talk with thoughts of using and suicide. I know the solution for this is to simply do
the projects around my apartment such as organize my smithing toys/tools, put a
new motherboard in my HTPC and get it working, and get some exercise. Knowing the solution is not the same as being
in the solution.
One of the most annoying components of my addiction is that I know what
do. I get stuck in that chasm between
wisdom and virtue. Wisdom is knowing the
right thing to do. Virtue is doing the
right thing. It is stupid and sucks to
keep doing the same thing expecting different results. I was able to take some action today in
putting a few things away and moving my PC to the workbench. Spiritual progress not spiritual perfection.
I am grateful for the wisdom and smattering of virtue I do possess and
for the resilience to keep on trying to get it right.
No comments:
Post a Comment