An Overwhelming Obsession

I had five months of sobriety yesterday.  Over the last week, I have been blasted by an almost overwhelming obsession to smoke crack along with several using dreams.  I know that I have to work a more rigorously honest-than-ever program to stay sober. 

Talking about it at meetings and with others helped but did not remove the merciless insane obsession.  Prayer helped.  I am still sober.  While talking on the phone with another friend that has struggled with relapse, I came up with the idea to cut-up my ATM card.  That brought me instant relief.  I know I am safe until after the bank opens tomorrow.  That is good enough for now.  I will worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

This anguish and pain caused by the lashes of a merciless obsession to self-destructively seek short-term relief for the long-term problem of dealing with life on life’s terms is untenable.   I was a young teenager when I gave up on expecting life to be fair.  Nonetheless, I cried out to god and my roommate that “this is not fair!”  It helped me to at least verbalize my frustration and to put myself in check for needing to be a mature responsible sober adult in recovery.  I will worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

I am grateful for my continued sobriety, the support of god and good friends, being more honest (and open) with myself and others, and that banks are closed at night!