Labor Day Weekend AKA The End Of Summer In Seattle

Today is Saturday, August 31^st.  It is Labor Day Weekend.  College football starts today.  Primary schools used to start right after Labor Day (some start in August now).   In Seattle, LDW is widely regarded as the end of summer.  Today was an unseasonably warm 86°.

I am grateful for my improved relationship with god as I understand it, a summer sober, my friends in recovery and learning more about how important my relationships with others are in my life.

Apple Pears — Yet Another Delicious Fresh Fruit

We bought a 6-pack of apple pears last week from Costco.  Ate my third pear this evening.  It was juicy, crisp and delicious.  I love fresh fruit, but sometimes lack the oomph to actually eat it after I buy it without having to make a modest effort to do so as compared with the innate desire to say drink pop or juice or snack on junk food.

I am grateful for the incredible variety of fresh fruit available for me to purchase and eat at local grocers.  It is healthy, delicious and relatively inexpensive.

Another Day Sober

I have not used in 5.5 months.   At this morning’s meeting, a guy talked about having 20 years last August and not being able to stay sober at all now.  Another guy had 15 years and now has a year.  Another woman had 5 years that she has not come closed to be able to get to for the last 10 years.  Alcoholism is a cunning baffling and powerful disease.

My friend Greg planned to come home tonight for the Labor Day weekend after working all summer in Minneapolis.  We usually talk every day.  I had not heard from him in three days.  He was not at the airport when I went to pick him up (in case he lost his phone and still made it home).  He is undoubtedly back out and now feeling terrible guilt and shame while stuck in the thrall of his addiction.

I am grateful for AA meetings where I get to learn about commonality, losing my terminal uniqueness, there is a solution and how I can live in the solution one day at a time.

I Love Online Shopping

I wanted to buy a specific 12-step workbook earlier this week.  It was listed for $511 at Amazon and they had one copy—needless to say—I did not buy that.  Found it at a Christian bookstore for $15 and got two copies with 3-day shipping for $34.   Chances are slim to nonexistent it would have been in any of the local Christian or big-box bookstores and it certainly was not worth my time driving around trying to find it.

Got two vacuum cleaner belts from Amazon for $2.50.  That would not pay for a trip to the appliance store much less buying the belts.

Lea wanted to join a MLM sales program in Lynnwood.  The sales rep did not have an address and gave the wrong name for the location.  She got registered online for $10 and skipped the drive to Lynnwood in rush hour traffic to hear a unwanted speel.

I am grateful for the bestest shopping choices in the history of the world!

Dinner With Dan and Lea

Took Dan out to dinner at the Thai Thaiger on the Ave in the U-District tonight.  Lea came with us.  It was a bit loud in the restaurant and they both went outside to smoke.  Not much conversation at the table.  Dan also needed bus fare to get his medication on Wednesday.   Dan is likely not much of a night person.  We finished dinner at 8:30.  He said it was the only thing he had to eat all day.

I am grateful to be able to be of service to others, for all the help my sister Karen and her husband Lee (Dan’s father) gave me over the years and to be able to pay it forward by helping Dan.

Working the Steps With a Study Buddy

Lea and I are doing a step study workbook The Twelve Steps - A Spiritual Journey: A Working Guide for Healing Damaged Emotions Based on Biblical Teachings by Friends in Recovery.   I have been wanting to work the steps again.  We can both use the support of going through the workbook together.

I am grateful to have a study buddy to go through the workbook with.  I was never a part of a study group in college due to my using, terminal uniqueness and isolation.  I am showing up differently—in a better way—in my life now.

Online License Tab Renewal

My license tabs expire at the end of September.   I need to get an emissions test for my car this year before getting new tabs.  Buying new tabs online is a relatively painless process compared with having to go wait in line for up to an hour at a vehicle licensing service.  Five minutes (or less) spent online results in new tabs showing up in the mail in a few days.  That is less time than it takes to drive to a license renewal office and much less expensive for the drive and service charge.

I am grateful to live in a state with a highly functional online presence that makes it easy to get information, licenses and services online.

Eastside Intergroup Picnic at Beaver Lake

Lea and I went to the ESIG summer picnic today.  We were too late for food, but did get a chance to see high to a few of our fellow trudgers on the Broad Highway.   In the past there are many times when I did not show up at all.  We got attendance points for going and low marks on punctuality!   Progress, not perfection.  I truly thought the picnic would run longer than till 3 PM.

I am grateful that we went to the picnic even though we were late.   That is infinitely better than staying home and doing nothing.

A Different Kind of Introspective

I have always been an introspective introvert.  I use my introspection to try to make sense of the world.  My “biases” (delusions) used to be set on having to find an interpretation where I was “right” and how others I had wronged me—basically condemning myself to being the eternal victim filled with self-righteous anger.  Now I my introspection bias helps me to find a way to interpret events around me in such a way that I am happy or at least serene most of the time.

I spend much less time on introspection now and a lot more time on living in the moment.  My relationships tend to take place in realtime instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future while interacting with others.   I am far from always being in the moment, but it is fantastically better than how it used to be.

I am grateful for being more vulnerable/emotionally available and have better relationships with my friends and acquaintances.   Since I am only as sick as my secrets being able to share my secrets with them makes me a lot less sick.

I am responsible

AA’s Responsibility Statement is “I am Responsible.  When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there.  And for that:  I am responsible.”

It was written for the 1965 A.A. International Convention in Toronto. In an article titled, ‘How I am Responsible became a part of A.A.’, from the GSO newsletter, Box 4-5-9. The article identifies former AA trustee, Al S. as the author of the Responsibility Statement.

In the souvenir book for the 1965 Convention, Dr. Jack Norris writes:   

“…We must remember that AA will continue strong only so long as each of us freely and happily gives it away to another person, only as each of us takes our fair share of responsibility for sponsorship of those who still suffer, for the growth and integrity of our Group, for our Intergroup activities, and for AA as a whole. It is in taking responsibility that real freedom and the enduring satisfactions of life are found. AA has given us the power to choose – to drink or not to drink – and in doing so has given us the freedom to be responsible for ourselves. As we become responsible for ourselves, we are free to be responsible for our share in AA, and unless we happily accept this responsibility we lose AA. Strange, isn’t it?”

I got a call from Michelle yesterday.  She has spent another homeless summer in the South Seattle jungle.  We agreed to meet for dinner tonight.  I brought her over clean pants, socks and a shirt that she had left her. 

Lea was going to go with me but after a huge ridiculous hissy fit over what a hassle it is to help another alcoholic she got out of the car on the road in front of the apartment complex.  One of the most shortsighted selfish behaviors I have seen in awhile.  It was not pretty.

Michelle really wants to be sober, but is unable to let go of her fears and many addict behaviors.  Lea wants to be happy and functional, but was unwilling to even take a ten-minute drive to Seattle to help the woman that she has spent more time with sober since her mom died when she was 12 years old.

I am grateful to have a place to live, clean clothes, be able to get out of myself by helping a friend in active addiction and that I was able to unselfishly help another alcoholic.  I am also grateful to live 10 blocks south of the Alano Club and readily get to a meeting anytime between 6 AM and 11 PM every day of the week.

Toward Emotional Freedom

Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one. 12x12, p. 80

Willingness is a peculiar thing for me in that, over a period of time, it seems to come, first with awareness, but then with a feeling of discomfort, making me want to take some action. As I reflected on takingthe Eighth Step, my willingness to make amends to others came as a desire for forgiveness, of others and myself. I felt forgiveness toward others after I became aware of my part in the difficulties of relationships. I wanted to feel the peace and serenity described in the Promises. From working the first seven Steps, I became aware of whom I had harmed and that I had been my own worst enemy. In order to restore my relationships with my fellow human beings, I knew I would have to change. I wanted to learn to live in harmony with myself and others so that I could also live in emotional freedom. The beginning of the end to my isolation—from my fellows and from God—came when I wrote my Eighth Step list.  Daily Reflections August 20^th.

The more I work the AA program and study positive psychology, the more I come to believe that defective relations with other human beings has been both the immediate and long term cause of my woes.  Now I have even more tools such as self-compassion to help heal the hurting inner child, let go of self-pity and at least act as if I am functional mature adult responsible for my life today.  That is a lot of progress from how it used to be.

I am grateful for the changes I have achieved in my thoughts, behaviors and actions thanks to the AA spiritual program of action, my new employer—a kind loving nurturing higher power, and kind loving healthy friends that go out of their way to help me succeed in becoming the me that I was always meant to be.

An Overwhelming Obsession

I had five months of sobriety yesterday.  Over the last week, I have been blasted by an almost overwhelming obsession to smoke crack along with several using dreams.  I know that I have to work a more rigorously honest-than-ever program to stay sober. 

Talking about it at meetings and with others helped but did not remove the merciless insane obsession.  Prayer helped.  I am still sober.  While talking on the phone with another friend that has struggled with relapse, I came up with the idea to cut-up my ATM card.  That brought me instant relief.  I know I am safe until after the bank opens tomorrow.  That is good enough for now.  I will worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

This anguish and pain caused by the lashes of a merciless obsession to self-destructively seek short-term relief for the long-term problem of dealing with life on life’s terms is untenable.   I was a young teenager when I gave up on expecting life to be fair.  Nonetheless, I cried out to god and my roommate that “this is not fair!”  It helped me to at least verbalize my frustration and to put myself in check for needing to be a mature responsible sober adult in recovery.  I will worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

I am grateful for my continued sobriety, the support of god and good friends, being more honest (and open) with myself and others, and that banks are closed at night!

The Pool is Closed

The Bellevue Parks’ Warm Springs pool is now closed for four weeks of maintenance.  I have swam nearly every day for the last ten weeks.  That was the most exercise I have done in 30 years.  It changed my life for the better.

I have heard that there are other warm (90°+) pools with lifts in the N/E Seattle Metro area.  None of them will be as close and convenient as the Bellevue pool.  Nonetheless, I hope to go swimming at least twice a week during the closure.

I am grateful for how much swimming I did in the last ten weeks.  I plan on swimming regularly for years to come.

Methadone Clinic

My roommate Lea went from a heroin addict in active addiction to having five months at the methadone clinic this week.  She has used heroin four times since starting methadone and has 3 weeks clean now. 

She gets a carry dose for Sundays when the clinic is closed.  I drive her to the methadone clinic and then to an AA meeting six days a week.  That has given me close observation of her progress.   To me, the most valuable component of the methadone program is the structure she gets from having to go to the clinic every morning.  She sure as heck is not a morning person on Sundays!

Unlike alcohol withdrawal, heroin withdrawal is not potentially lethal.  A heroin addict could quit using and be done with the nasty withdrawal symptoms in a week or two.  Then you have a dry (not-using) addict with lots of time on their hands and no structure.  That rarely works well.

She is a bit stuck right now between having enough faith in the AA program to go to meetings and meet with her sponsor once a week, but not enough trust to actually work the steps.  The AA slogan for that is when going through hell, don’t stop.  She might not be a dead stop however increased velocity would shorten her time in hell.   Hopefully she will work the program before her addiction works her over.

I am grateful I am not addicted to heroin, it is a hard habit to break.   I am also grateful for my faith, trust and belief that the AA program will work for me as long as I keep working it.  Incomprehensible demoralization combined with a disbelief in 12-step programs is a recipe for disaster for those of us with a fatal progressive disease.

Don’t Know or Koan

Koan: a paradox to be meditated upon that is used to train Zen Buddhist monks to abandon ultimate dependence on reason and to force them into gaining sudden intuitive enlightenment. (wikipedia)

I don’t know everything that I am grateful for in this moment.  I do know that I have many unthought-of blessings in my life that I am grateful to have.  Healthy red blood cells are but one of millions of possibilities to think about.

Costco Shopping for Cat Food and Kitty Litter

My cats Bug and Jenny have been a part of my home for over seven years.  When I first got them, I would buy food and kitty litter for them from whatever grocery store I was in or from Petco.  Quality and price varied by the store and even sometimes while at the same store.

I soon started buying their food and litter at Costco.  Since then, it has been the same high quality Costco house brand, Kirkland, cat food.  They changed litter once early on.   My cats have never been sick beyond the occasional hairball.  Jenny is skinny.  Bug is slightly chubby.  On the average, they are just right.

A 25 lb bag of food lasts 6 months or more.  The cats like the food to be in sealed containers.  I open the bag, load up 8 large plastic peanut butter jars and store them in the cupboard for easy feeding.  A jar lasts a week.  I keep the bag sealed/rolled up tight in the pantry.  It is an easy inexpensive (except for the part where I spend $200+ on every trip to Costco!) convenient system.

I am grateful for my healthy friendly happy cats and for the reliable high-quality low-cost supplies from Costco.  Bug and Jenny are the first two housecats I ever owned.  I love them very much.

550 Gratitude Blog Posts

This is my 551^st Gratitude blog post.  I wrote my first Gratitude blog post 961 days ago on 12/27/10.  I never set an end date.  Now, I plan on writing about gratitude for the rest of my life.

My goal was to write 5x/week.   550/961 is just over 4x/week.  Take away the 8 months I missed last year during a relapse and it works out to writing 4 out of 5 days.  So far this year, I have 206 posts over 225 days to-date.  Writing my Gratitude blog posts is a vital part of my daily routine.

More importantly, writing about gratitude over the last 32 months has changed my changed my brain to a much more optimistic, resilient, happy and grateful mindset.  I have become enamored with studying positive psychology.  I always wanted to be a life-long learner.   What I blessing to have found something wonderfully useful to study.

I am hugely grateful for all the benefits that have come my way as a direct result of my Gratitude blog writings.

Warm Sunny Days and Cool Fans

It has been a gorgeous summer in Seattle with a rainless July followed by a desirable splash of rain in early August followed by a forecast of more sun with temperatures at a perfect 75° to 80°.

I am grateful for cool mornings, cool fans and warm sunny days.

More Self-Compassion

I have flaked-out on swimming for three days and have also been a less than diligent writer.  The good news is that I get to have self-compassion for myself.  Saturday and today were unplanned skips on the swimming.  I went to a friend’s bbq in Arlington on Sunday knowing that I would thus have to skip swimming.

The bbq was a pleasant flashback to life on the farm way back when before I was paralyzed.  There were horses in the pasture surrounded by a barb wire fence on steel fence posts.  The Stillaguamish river was running swiftly at the far end of the field.  It was beautiful.  Toni had a wonderful turnout of pleasant people for the last 30 years of her life.   She was celebrating her birthday (which was in June) and her retirement (in early July) and having a social event.  It might have been the first party she hosted in almost 30 years of owning her rural retreat in Arlington.  She told me several times that it was “all my fault” that she had this event.  That was the best blame I ever got in my life.  It was a wonderful event and a good time was had by all.  Leslee and I enjoyed the drive together.   Getting to know Toni’s sponsor Sharon and her husband Jim over lunch and conversation was a bonus.

Had lunch with George today.  It was the first time I had seen since he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer and had it surgically removed.  He had been to the doctor twice in the last 35 years.  He was blessed with an early diagnosis due to having to get Key Man insurance due to being a partner in a small accounting firm.  The doctor actually came to him, found elevated levels of whatever in his blood samples and the treatment quickly escalated into surgery from there.  He took a month off work and is doing great while still not completely healed.   George has been a wonderful friend for me ever since I was paralyzed.  I am glad he is okay and doing well.

Had a light dinner with Sandy tonight.   I get to learn a lot about being a better friend by having her for my friend.

It would have been good to write and swim more these last few days.  It was also nice to have a change of pace reading (more) sci-fi on my Kindle.

I am grateful for the life I have today.  Nowadays, even the bad days are pretty good!

Missed a Daily Post

Woke up at 5 AM to the realization that I missed posting on my Gratitude blog yesterday.   :(  It would be simple and easy to skip a day, but I know my addict mind would use that small chink in my daily routine against me to convince that erratic behavior was no big deal and try to expand into breaking other routines as well.  Instead I will write two posts in the near future such as later today.

I am grateful for the serenity, peace of mind and healthy behaviors I get from my daily routines of meditation, prayer, a meeting, my Gratitude blog posts and swimming.   That is fantastically healthier on a daily basis than how it used to be.

Writing After A Night Swim => Short Post

Enjoyed my most vigorous swim tonight.  I have a bit of a daze after swimming that leads me to think and move slowly.  It is a relaxed pleasant feeling, but not so good for writing many words or including many thoughts.

I am grateful for all the rewards I get from swimming including great meditation while in the water, fantastic exercise and some social interaction while chatting with others.

House Plants Galore

My cats are the plant-killing kind of cats.  Even when I have grass for them to eat, they have a decided preference for chewing up the houseplants.   I went from 20 flourishing plants down to 3 lackluster survivors of cat grazing over the six years of having Bug and Jenny.

Lea has gone wild with plant support.   We now have 7 hanging baskets of small flowers,  multiple midsize plants and a nice round 4 foot tall palm  bush.  It is wonderful to have such lush greenery flourishing on the deck and by view window in my living room.  The deck is a veritable jungle of flourishing green growth.

I am grateful for Lea’s green thumb, the beautiful plants and flowers she has grown from seeds and small starts, and to be able to help her pursue and enjoy a hobby she clearly loves that makes our lives more beautiful.

A Vigorous Night Swim

Went for the adult swim from 7 to 8 tonight.  The pool was not crowded and I got in a vigorous swim that left me enough energy to come, cook pasta & chicken, eat do the dishes, wrote a short Gratitude blog post and go to bed.

The pool closes for a month of annual maintenance on the 19^th.  I plan to swim every day until that happens.  It would be future tripping to start a countdown.  I will take each day as it comes.

I am grateful to have the resources and wherewithal to be able to swim every day.  Many of my fellow therapeutic swimmers can only afford to go once a week—at most.  

Making The Call and Thinking It Through

Throughout my 14+ years of 12-step recovery, I was truly relieved from wanting to use my drug of choice, crack cocaine.  This time around has been much better than ever before.  Nonetheless in the late afternoon both yesterday and today, I was plagued with using thoughts.  Yesterday I went to my home group and got immediate relief.   Today I called Greg and talked it over with him—once again getting relief.

I have always been as sick as my secrets.  In the past, I thought being stoic was an admirable way to live.  Now I know differently.  My secrets will take me out.  Today I have fewer secrets and hold onto them for much shorter intervals.  I still have my lies of omission.  I have made fantastic progress, but there is a long ways to go before I am an open book.

Swam for an hour today.  It was my most vigorous workout in decades.  I am much more physically fit than I was a mere two months ago.  Swam right out of my swimming suit due to a major wardrobe malfunction.  Fortunately I noticed my suit floating behind me in the pool before I had gone 5 feet and was able to quickly get it back on with a little help from a therapist.  I have no butt to hang my suit on and a big belly to push it off.  This was the first time that happened so thoroughly in swimming nearly a hundred times since I was paralyzed 32 years ago.  I will be more careful in the future!

I am grateful for the love, support and help from friends, acquaintances and strangers.

A Good Day

I had a good day today.  Watched part of a 1970’s movie called The Driver with Ryan O’Neal along with some scifi reading on my kindle, swimming, grocery shopping, and made it to my home group tonight.  Lea joined me for those activities. 

I was going to have a late lunch with Bob and George, but it turned out to be SeaFair weekend and Bob wasn’t around.  George and I will have dinner next week.  It will be the first time I have seen George since his cancer surgery a month ago.

Charlie led the meeting on the 5^th step which is admitting the exact nature of our wrongs to god and another human being.  He talked about humility and spirituality.  One of the most important things about the 5^th step for me is to stop being such a stoic. One slogan is that I am only as sick as my secrets.   I am a big one for lies of omission, i.e., not talking about my thoughts, feelings and fears.  I have no doubt that I will always need to continue to improve on sharing my feelings with others.  As a child, I learned talking about my feelings with my family was akin to showing them an open wound and asking them to pour salt on it.

I am grateful for easygoing good days with pleasant companionship and good friends in recovery.

Rain in August or One Dry July

There was no rain in July for the third time ever and one of only six dry months ever recorded in Seattle.  August 1^st broke a 35 day dry spell with 0.05 inches of rain.  There were localized downpours and thundershowers that had much greater precipitation.

The rain cooled things and will greatly reduced the fire danger in our forests and neighborhoods.

I am grateful for the beautiful lush green vegetation we have surrounding us that helps keep us cool in summer and reduce flooding in the winter.

Grateful for Mindfulness in July

Stuck for a topic and wanting to go to bed after an evening swim, I will acknowledge being grateful for the multiple challenging experiences last month that were handled with mindfulness and composure.

Flat tires on my wheelchair, my car being towed, being flaked on by a friend in Vancouver BC, delays in getting my roommate’s rent subsidy completed, relapses by close friends in recovery, and other irritations were handled as they came up without my mind ruminating excessively on the problems so much that I had a bad day.  It was not perfect, but it was fantastically better than how it used to be.

I am grateful for my newfound mindfulness and that for all the opportunities to practice mindfulness in the face of challenging circumstances that, while serious at the time, featured no major health or financial crisis.

Angey Went to a Meeting

I Angey met during my relapse last summer.  She now has 9 months clean having moved from Everett to Olympia.  She has been working 40+ hours/week at a call center doing debt collection.  Her past still haunts her as she is facing felony robbery charges for having given the wrong person a ride to the wrong place.

She has stayed clean all on her own with no sort of recovery program.   That is will power of epic proportions.  I could not stay clean working a program.  It is inconceivable to me to simply be able to make a decision to not use and stay clean for 9 months. 

For the vast majority of committed AA members, the program is both a model for living life sober and a fellowship of people in recovery.  I suggested Angey attend AA for the fellowship instead of staying home in social isolation.  She went to her first meeting yesterday getting a Big Book, a 12x12, the phone numbers of 10 women, talking with one of the women for some time after the meeting and calling another woman later on.  It was a great first meeting for her.

She was feeling much better when I talked with her last night.  As a bonus assignment, she read step 1 from the 12x12.  It is Bill W at his most over-the-top best with lines such as: rapacious creditor; with all the fervor with which the drowning seize life preservers; the fatal nature of our situation; and as willing to listen as the dying can be.  For alcoholics in the right frame of mind, this is both insightful and a humorous read into the insanity of our condition.

Today she texted me back “Life is already better I am so glad that we kept in touch I love you thanks for all you do”.  It is a good feeling to be able to be of service to others that are ready to do the work to make their lives better.

I am grateful to be of service of others.