Lies of Omission

I have told many lies in my life.  People lie.  Addicts tell lies somewhere between frequently and all the time.

My biggest problem with lies in recovery have been my lies of omission which is not talking about or telling others what I am thinking and/or feeling.  My unsaid thoughts and feelings were garden variety type issues—loneliness, anger, fear, joy, and excitement.

As the youngest of 4 children in an extremely dysfunctional—but successful looking—family, to talk about my thoughts and feelings was like showing family members an open wound and asking them to poor iodized salt in it.   I quickly learned to avoid talking about my concerns and was devoiced.

My relapses over my 16 years of 12-step meetings are due to being an addict.  When digging deeper into what issues tripped me up, it was those lies of omission that got me.  Trying to be a stoic and doing things on my own does not work for me.

I am working on building relationships with others with an emphasis on talking about my thoughts and feelings.  I am clumsy like a fawn on ice, but it is much better than how it used to be and I am getting better.  I have to use a cheat-sheet by going over pre-written answers from a 12-step workbook.    A cheat-sheet is much better than being trapped in my mind with my thoughts by myself—that is a painful and dangerous neighborhood—plus it makes for a structured skill builder in learning how to talk about my thoughts and feelings with others.

I am grateful for the vast many resources available to me while I work on overcoming my strong self-destructive propensity to hide behind my lies of omission.  I am happier with better relationships now.  In the future, life will be even better.