A Prime Number

Had 1181 posts when I started to write tonight.  Wondered about the factors, e.g.2 & 3 for 6, and checked Google.  1181 is a prime number.

I have much better math skills than most of my friends, mostly it is a bit of a parlor trick to me.  It turns out that social and emotional skills are a lot more helpful in living a happy life..  On the other hand, math literacy is vital, useful and wonderful to be able to quantify things.

I had a hard time with calculus.   More studying would have helped a lot.    I am in awe of the math insight of others such as Euclid (geometry), al-Khwarizmi (algerbra),  Newton and Leibniz (calculus).  Imagine needing to invent the concept of zero as happened several times and places in history—that seems bizarre to me—even a cave man (or a monkey) could tell he had no food.

I am grateful for how the language of science has shaped our modern world.

An August Rainstorm

In August, Seattle is one of the driest places in the US.   For the next week, we are getting a November storm set from Hawaii, aka the Pineapple Express, that is forecasted to drop several inches of rain on a parched landscape.  It could not come at a better time.  We are having the worst fire season on record in terms of burned acreage.

I am grateful for an out of season storm sequence bringing rain and cool weather to our record hot summer.

New Apartment Siding

My apartment complex is owned by the largest publicly traded apartment on the west coast—Essex Property Trust.  Essex spent $4.3 billion two years ago to buy BRE Properties.  Now Essex looks to be spending some money on upgrades with a substantial rental increase that is sure to follow.

I love the accessibility of my apartment, ,my parking spot and the location.  The two downsides are my shower is less than ideal for me and that we are on a small hill that prevents me from going for walks around that neighborhood.

I am grateful for a nice place to live in a crime-free neighborhood that is well maintained and incredibly convenient to run errands around town.   Few people live in a more convenient location than how mine works for me.

The Chasm Between Wisdom and Virtue

I have not exercised in 8 months beyond the occasional more active outing that would consist of wheeling around on a relatively flat hard surface.  This morning I was overwhelmed by self-pity due to my rapidly aging body and so skipped going to a morning meeting—that did not help my attitude.  Fortunately lunch with a friend and therapy resulted in feeling much better and some activity.

I am not much of a “hater”.  I do hate the tyranny of insanity that results in my doing much less than I know would be good for me while feeling bad about not doing anything.

I am grateful for the scheduled structure in my life that gets me out of my head and into the action of getting out interacting with others.   It makes it a lot easier to help downsize the chasm between knowing what is good for me (wisdom) and doing what is good for me (virtue).

Lost and Okay

I have lacked a sense of direction on my journey through life for a long time.  Sure, I am working on staying sober and my relationships with others, those are great things but not enough.   I need to find a “mission” or project to work on to provide a challenge and a sense of accomplishment with creativity.

Swimming will be a part of that journey in a couple of weeks when the local adaptive access pool re-opens in three weeks.  I will have gone 8 months without swimming due to health care issues.

Working with others needs to be a part of whatever I do.   I will work on some craft projects at home.  That is a double-edged sword.   I would enjoy the projects and be isolating—that never works well for me on any kind of long-term basis.

I am grateful to be okay and look forward to engaging in right-size challenges in the future.  I will get help from others in locating the right project for me.

Restarting My Day

Had a rough morning and afternoon today.  Compensated for my sloth and self-pity by doing nothing allowing a trickle of negative thinking turn into a stream of ill-will.

Fortunately I am getting better at taking right action before that kind of thinking turns into a raging torrent of days with of negativity.  I got up, got dressed and went to the last half of a meeting.  Chatted with some friends afterwards, shopped and ate at Whole Foods, and made it home feeling much better.

I am grateful that I don’t get trapped isolating with “my own best thinking” nearly as long nor frequently as how it used to be.

One Last Hot Day

It was 89° today.  According to my weather website of choice, wunderground.com/, there are two days in the next ten days that will be above 80°.  The hottest summer on record in Seattle is cooling off.  Statistically, the average temperature cools off 2/10ths of a degree per day from July to January, then warms up again.

On a thermal tangent: Speaking of heat, J. Williard Gibbs comes to mind.  Without the concept of Gibbs free energy thermodynamics would be nothing.   JWG is widely regarded as America’s greatest native born scientist.   He graduated from Yale with the first American doctorate in engineering.

Both last summer and this summer, I bought portable AC units somewhat shaped liked oversized carry-on luggage.  Both of them began to die well before their time.  The good news is that I got my money back last summer and just need to ship this one back in the next week to get a refund on it.  I appreciate the refund but would vastly prefer a quality product that did not die after a month of use.   The fan noise quality was disappointing.   I bought the ones with the best reviews.  Next year, I will strive to get a better model.    The good news is that my summer was fantastically more pleasant with AC in my bedroom.   My plasma TV is generates way too much heat to watch without AC.

I am grateful for a warm dry summer and look forward to a cooler season to come that is projected to be warmer and dryer than average.

Crossroads Mall Farmers Market

A small group of us meets every Tuesday morning at Crossroads Mall to fellowship and discuss 12-step recovery.  Deborah went with us today. 

After our meeting, we browsed the Daiso store which is a Japanese dollar store where everything costs $1.50. 

Then we got a delicious slice of pizza from a wood-fired oven at the farmer’s market.  After that, we got a beautiful small bouquet of flowers for $5 and a tiny half-flat of blueberries for $16.

The farmers market tends to be overpriced in my humble opinion compared with the QFC next door.   It is worth a few extra bucks to wander the stalls and support local small businesses.  The local blueberries were better than the California imports sold at the grocery store.

I am grateful for a warm sunny day, cheap stores, good pizza, beautiful flowers and fantastic blueberries that I got to enjoy as a result of my meeting with others at the mall.  It would not have happened nor been nearly as fun without them.

A Good Day Today

Today was a good day for me on a perfect mid-August summer day in Seattle.  It was a cloudfree 82° with a slight breeze making it pleasant in the shade and warm enough for swimming in the sun. 

Went to a meeting, did some chores around the apartment, a great lunch with a good friend, met with my therapist, a few more chores, watched the second half of a Kung Fu movie, halfway thru the 5^th book in the A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones) series. 

I am reading the GoT series for the first time.  I thought I was going to be done when I finished A Dance With Dragons, but a little Wikipedia research revealed that there will be 7 books in the series.  Books 6 and 7 are not yet published.  It is a masterpiece of story telling.

I am grateful to have had a good day and am looking forward to another good day tomorrow.

I Had Dropped Out

We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have "harmed" other people. What kinds of "harm" do people do one another, anyway? To define the word "harm" in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.   12x12 p. 80

I had been to Eighth Step meetings, always thinking, "I really haven't harmed many people, mostly myself." But the time came when I wrote my list out and it was not as short as I thought it would be. I either liked you, disliked you, or needed something from you—it was that simple. People hadn't done what I wanted them to do and intimate relationships were out of hand because of my partners' unreasonable demands. Were these "sins of omission"? Because of my drinking, I had "dropped out"—never sending cards, returning calls, being there for other people, or taking part in their lives. What a grace it has been to look at these relationships, to make my inventories in quiet, alone with the God of my understanding, and to go forth daily, with a willingness to be honest and forthright in my relationships.

            From the Daily Reflections for August 16^th.

I had truly dropped out of relationships from an early age.   Upon reflection, it amazes me how much I had sought to isolate from others from an early age.    I think of the book title All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten and wonder how I possibly missed all those important lessons for 50 years.  It doesn’t really matter how it happened—nature or nurture—what matters now is how I deal with where I am at today.

I am grateful to have fantastic resources that help me not only get sober, but live a richer life filled with relationships in my community.  The opportunity was always there, I just never answered the door on a regular basis before.

A Solo Quick Trip To Monroe

Tonight was the night that I volunteer for my monthly prison meeting.  My road-mates could not make it so I left earlier than usual due to missing out on the carpool lane.  75 minutes later, I completed a drive that takes 30 minutes with no traffic.

There was some sort of staff training event going on.  I waited for 30 minutes only to find out that they would not be having inmate activities this evening.  Time to go home.  I stopped by a meeting on the way home chatting with friends before the meeting started.

The pleasantly amazing part of this evening’s effort was that nothing bothered me.  I missed yakking with my road-mates on the drive there and back due to their having to take a night off for family events.  I missed being with the inmates and our meeting time.

I am grateful for having a peaceful sense of serenity and acceptance for having made my best effort for an event that did not work out as planned.

Into The Sunset

My roommate’s son came by this afternoon to get some clothes and gear he had left here.  I made him lunch, he got a shower, did laundry and had a nap.   I took some pictures of them together. We gave him a ride back to Everett. 

My roommate has been to 50+ meetings in the last 20 days.  I shared that with her son on the way to Everett.   I am sure he was glad to see his mom in recovery.  Seeing and hearing her success has to give him some hope.

We dropped him off at a gas in NW Everett.  He got out of the car, gave his mom a hug and said goodbye.  We watched him walk a short block west into the sunset to the next crosswalk.  His story was that he was going camping with a girl.   Looked like he was going to the dopehouse to me.   It was sad.

I started the car and we went the other way to go directly home.  My roommate sniffed back a few tears and said “I hate this town”.   She did the vast majority of her using in Everett/Snohomish County.

I am proud of my roommate for being the best mom and friend she could be to her 24 year old son that appears to be in active addiction to me.   

I am grateful for the resources to be of service to others today.  I am blessed to have a nice place to live, food, a car, and to be sober so that I can be of service to others.

Now Garden Variety—Was Terminally Unique

I was so deep in my self-pity that I was terminally unique being sure that my problems were worse than anyone else’s problems.  It was crazy, lonely and painful.

Now I am just a garden variety drunk that mostly hears the similarity between myself and others.   It is a far cry from being able to identify with everybody I meet, but at least now the possibility exists.

I am grateful to have progress from terminally unique to being a garden variety drunk that hears the commonality when listening to others instead of the differences.

Working Towards Mindfulness

Most of my life, I would (day) dream about how my life was going to be.  My past was a painful place to reminisce, the present sucked due to my baggage of the past and so I was stuck dreaming about an unrealistic better future while never taking enough of the right action to make it happen.

Today I get to spend a lot more time in the present doing the next indicated thing.  I am working on being more productive in creating a happier place in my mind and my life.  Self-compassion helps me accept my life as it is instead of ruing the life that I don’t have, never had and never will have.

I am grateful for knowing and living a better life than how it used to be.  I have hope for a realistic pleasant future.  That is a lot better than how it used to be.

A Rough Year To Date

From a health perspective, it has been one of the tougher years of my life.  The right ankle I burned on a heater in January is about as healed as it is going to get.  The swelling in my left calf is much better after two weeks of being on the brink really unwanted trip to the ER.  Now I have had an upset stomach for the last two days.  Hopefully that will get better soon.

There have been some ups and downs in my mental health tracking along behind my physical health.   Overall, I have done reasonably well and am pretty serene today.

I am grateful for having a reasonably good state of mind at this time.   It could be a LOT worse than it is.

Topic Blocked

Typically when writing here, I review my day to come up with a topic that generates enough juice to get me going and then riff on that.    Tonight’s daily review is lacking enough juice to get me started.

I read a couple positive affirmations, the 10^th step from the AA 12x12 and a several other recovery readings from the web.  Still lacking the juice for a topic.  I know I want to write.

I guess tonight’s writing will be like a Seinfeld episode—a show about nothing.

I am grateful to have had a good day and for being motivated enough to write even if it is about nothing!

Lies of Omission

I have told many lies in my life.  People lie.  Addicts tell lies somewhere between frequently and all the time.

My biggest problem with lies in recovery have been my lies of omission which is not talking about or telling others what I am thinking and/or feeling.  My unsaid thoughts and feelings were garden variety type issues—loneliness, anger, fear, joy, and excitement.

As the youngest of 4 children in an extremely dysfunctional—but successful looking—family, to talk about my thoughts and feelings was like showing family members an open wound and asking them to poor iodized salt in it.   I quickly learned to avoid talking about my concerns and was devoiced.

My relapses over my 16 years of 12-step meetings are due to being an addict.  When digging deeper into what issues tripped me up, it was those lies of omission that got me.  Trying to be a stoic and doing things on my own does not work for me.

I am working on building relationships with others with an emphasis on talking about my thoughts and feelings.  I am clumsy like a fawn on ice, but it is much better than how it used to be and I am getting better.  I have to use a cheat-sheet by going over pre-written answers from a 12-step workbook.    A cheat-sheet is much better than being trapped in my mind with my thoughts by myself—that is a painful and dangerous neighborhood—plus it makes for a structured skill builder in learning how to talk about my thoughts and feelings with others.

I am grateful for the vast many resources available to me while I work on overcoming my strong self-destructive propensity to hide behind my lies of omission.  I am happier with better relationships now.  In the future, life will be even better.

Normal Is A Technical Term

Normal is a technical term in psychology for living free of excessive discomfort.  In other words, normal is not having problems with significant mental health issues.

I may not be normal, but I am a lot better than how I used to be and have hope for a better tomorrow.

I am grateful for to have hope for a better tomorrow.

PS:  I did not mean to be bleak.  I was lacking a topic and wanted to write something, so I vented a bit.   “Normal” is a word I hear frequently misused that is a pet peeve of mine.  I know some smart well-educated people that refuse to comprehend there are normal people out there in the world.  It is as if their job depended on not knowing that.

The Best Week In A Long Time

Due to health problems and other issues, this year has been a lot about getting by while waiting for things to get better.  The other issues are mostly resolved and the health problems are a lot better than they were.  I plan to go swimming on Wednesday for the first time since mid-January.

My specific goal for the last week was to work on relationships.  That went really well for me being with good friends, new friends and talking with others.   There were some extra limitations on my already limited abilities.

The improved week was primarily due to an inside job in my head.  Aside from a day trip on Friday life was the regular routine of meetings, friends, reading, TV and phone calls.  There were no new cars nor exciting vacations.  Better mental health is a wonderful attribute!

I am grateful for the consistent support from my friends in helping work towards building a better life for myself on a foundation of good relationships.   

Classier Problems

One of my problems that I will have to deal with soon is that the HDMI video output on myAsus laptop I have used for a home theater PC (HTPC) connected to a big TV is dying with lots of warning.  It is a refurbished laptop that I got from Costco.  A bit of research in the last half hour had no good suggestions for an immediate fix and that Costco warranties are only good a year on refurbished electronics instead of the usual two years for new stuff.

I have a big sound-proofed large tower PC case with a brand new intel CPU that I could put together in case of TV emergency.  It would fit about 30 laptops in the space it takes.

I don’t know what I will do for a fix.  I should put the tower PC together no matter what.  Calling Costco support might provide a software fix for what I suspect is a hardware problem.  Buying a new laptop would make it all better.

I am grateful that today’s big material problem is that one of my toys needs some TLC that I can easily afford.   That is a low-stress problem that can easily be worked out.  With the right attitude, researching the solution and implementing it will actually be fun little project.   I have classier problems today than how it used to be.

Overcoming Procrastination vs. Self-care

Laid in bed most of the day today.  My left calf was somewhat swollen this morning after hours of driving and being up a relatively long time yesterday.   I have been varying degrees of close to going to the ER for nearly two weeks where I would presumably get IV antibiotics.   I am already on daily doses of Bactrim and Macrobid for the rest of my life.  Nothing against antibiotics per se, but there can be too much of a good thing.

My leg is less swollen tonight.  That is good enough for now.

I have not swam in 6.5 months.  I hope to go swimming next Wednesday.  The hot pool makes my fragile skin even more fragile.  I will be cautious and go for a short swim on my first time back in the pool.

Tomorrow evening I will go for a walk with L at Bellevue Square.  That will be a good start on a modest amount of exercise and nice to catch up with her.   There have been few walks with her this year.  Sometimes I am slothful about going out the door, but always feel better after a walk and a meeting at my home group.

I am grateful that I know I will feel better for having be proactive in getting good self-care for myself.  My body’s limitations can’t serve as an excuse to self-destruct from the inside out.