glad it is not me

I have a friend that I first met three years ago at a 12-step meeting.  We hardly ever talked beyond the occasional “hi”.  The second year we got to talking and became closer. 

After going to a bunch of meetings together, she got five months of sobriety at the age of 42.  She was unwilling to get a sponsor and work the steps.  That was followed by the almost inevitable relapse.  She has been back out drinking for 14 months now.

We were going to hang out for awhile today.  It was an unpleasant display of rage when after driving about 30 feet, she was yelling out at a little old lady that lived in next door and flipping her off for having the audicity to park by the cul-de-sac  community mailbox to get her mail. In a quarter mile, she had yelled at 2 other cars and made snippy remarks to passers-by at the grocery store.  I could tell we were not going to spend a lot of time together in public.

She needed to stop by her pregnant “friend’s” house in the Seattle Central District to check in on her for a few minutes.  We were almost there when she started yelling the n-word out my window at a pedestrian.  I let her know that it was neither appropriate nor acceptable to spew her racist hatred out my car window.  When 15 minutes become 30 minutes and she had the pregnant friend call to tell me that my friend was busy moving a microwave, I knew that it was a drug deal being waiting for the connection to happen and left her there.

My friend “D” is a smart talented woman who is terrified of getting sober and dying of acute late-stage alcoholism.  It was one of the saddest things I have seen in a long time.  D has suppurating wounds on her legs that will not heal due to her alcohol & fruit juice mixer diet.

I got a 15 over speeding ticket on my way home across the bridge.  Compared with dying a slow painful death from alcoholism, it was no big deal.  I got home and wrote a check for the ticket and put it in the mail. 

What I can’t get out of my mind is D’s being enslaved by her addictions.  I have been in a similar situation in my life.  12-step programs tell us to work with others to get out of ourselves, help them, and remember where we came from.  Just thinking about having a drink right now is enough to make my stomach queasy.

I have other friends and will make more friends in the future.  I miss my friend D.   She is dying a slow painful death in the only life she will have on this earth. 

I am grateful to be sober today. It is good that I know enough about addiction to realize with absolute certainty I can’t save my friend from a slow painful degrading suicide by alcohol poisoning, I am grateful for that knowledge and sad about the reality of the situation.  I am also grateful to have the money to simply pay my speeding ticket, not getting pulled over for drunk driving nor being busted for an open (alcohol) container in my car.  Thank you god for my sobriety today.