My Home Group

 I have been going to the same meeting on Sunday night for the last nine years.  We moved from a ½ mile east of Bellevue Square to another church 2 blocks west of the mall.  The Steppin’ Up group is a step study group (Steppin Up—get it?).  Two years ago we changed the format slightly so that we study an AA Tradition each month.  We have a business meeting every month.  All of our service positions have volunteers that do defined terms of rotation.

Tonight at the business meeting, I got voted into the one month service position of being the greeter.  We just started having a greeter two months ago.  Having a greeter helps make people feel welcome at our meeting.  That changes the ambiance at the meeting from being a place where people straggle in to a place hoping to find recovery to a place where both new and regular members are welcomed with a warm greeting and a handshake.

I used to be the greeter at Empire Way in Seattle for 6 months.  That was the best service position I ever had.  I learned and practiced how to welcome people with kind words, a handshake and a smile while getting to know a lot of people.

I am grateful for AA’s message of recovery and hope, my new service position and my sobriety.  I have been struggling with unwelcome thoughts of using situations for the last couple of days.  I talked about it at the meeting and was able to let a lot of that go.  One AA cliché is that we are only as sick as our secrets.  That is true for me.  Today I have one less secret and am a little less sick.

A Day Off (as opposed to what?)

Did a whole lot of nothing today beyond reading my Kindle, some metalsmithing books, playing with my metal working materials (mostly staring and trying to imagine things), and even watched a metalsmithing DVD from the library.  The DVD was cute in that the intro was done by the instructor now and the video was from a 20 year old VHS the author made in his younger days.

I am grateful to have the resources allowing me pleasant ways to spend my leisure time.  Talking with others and making a rack of spare ribs was a bonus.

Lunch With Others In Early Sobriety

 Went to lunch with Brittany and Jesse today at Crossroads Mall.  On the outside, they look reasonably good.  On the inside, they were struggling with isolation.

Brittany got a year of sobriety earlier this month although she has not worked the steps yet.  She got a sponsor that accepted her medical use of a prescription narcotic when agreeing to be her sponsor that promptly insisted that she stop taking her meds.  Brittany is blessed to be sober after that experience. 

Jesse was happy to invited to lunch with us.  He is a good looking guy struggling to accept himself as he is and have a hard time being okay with others accepting him as he is.

After lunch, we went across the street to Eastside Intergroup.  Lea introduced them to Nancy the office manager and gave them a tour of the office.  Nancy gave them both a Bill W plant (a cutting off a Swedish Ivy plant that was supposedly on Bill W’s bedside when he died).  It was the first time for both of them to go to the ESIG office.  They liked it.

My great friend and Sunday night walking buddy Leslee happened to drive up while we at the intergroup office.  We chatted for a bit.  She went inside to get a 28 year coin for Pete, hugged Lea and warmly greeted Brittany and Jesse. 

I thought Lea and I were introverted isolationists.  We sounded like social butterflys compared with the struggles they are having.  The benefits of working with other alcoholics was evident today for Lea and I.

I am grateful to be able to be of service to others, my old and new friends in recovery, my sobriety, being able to afford a car to drive and our lunch, and for the pleasure I am getting out of struggling to learn how to make copper and silver jewelry.

Plywood

In my 9^th grade Washington State History class, I was stumped by the midterm test question “what makes plywood strong?”  I knew I knew the answer but could not remember it.  I wrote down “glue”.    The correct answer is that each layer is oriented to have the grain of each layer perpendicular to each other for thinner plywoods and budget grades.  Better grades and/or thicker are at multiples of 45° for thicker and better grades.   The best grades are at 30° rotation with 7 or more layers.  Multiple angles provide strength in more directions or axis of rotation.

I bought two sheets of plywood at Home Depot today.  Part of the store service is that they will cut them to order.  I had them make 4-5 pieces out of each sheet.  One large piece is to expand my computer table to have a little soldering area for my metalsmithing.  Another is to cover part of my dining table with a work surface so that I don’t ding up my oak dining table.  It was a used table when I bought and one of the chair seats is splitting, I will try to keep nice as long as possible.

Even better, I bought a finish grade piece with a small ding in it.  I had them cut around the ding and got 70% off for plywood cut to order.  That was a pleasant retail therapy bonus!

I plan to get a dresser and a small chest of drawers for tool storage.  My apartment living room never had a couch because they get in my way of my wheelchair in anything less than a giant living room and I don’t like couches that much.  My living room is well on its way to have a completely wooden perimeter.  Okay, there is like 2 feet to go to complete that process, but it will be a different wood than what I have now.  Presumably will involve more plywood.

I love wood and am grateful for the miracle strength of plywood, nice furniture and smooth table tops.  Thanks to the tech from Home Depot that cut the wood, he was great.  Lea was a big help in bringing the wood in and sliding it under all the PC paraphernalia on my computer desk.

Jenny’s Reprieve

I got my two cats Jenny and June Bug (“Bug”) eight years ago.   My cat criteria was for short-haired spayed females with an eye on easy cat care.  Jenny had problems going back at least a year if not maybe since I got her in hindsight.  I took her to the vet in November and again in January after seeing how she had scratched herself nearly raw with significant hair loss.  Things were a bit better and now they got worse.  We went to the vet again today.

I was prepared to put Jenny down to stop her suffering in what seemed to be a progressive condition.  The first vet at the Bellevue Cat & Dog Clinic diagnosed one cat condition, the second vet had a second diagnosis and today the third vet said it was something else.  Jaime the vet explained it was “practicing medicine” and they were going through the process of elimination.  Jaime treated Jenny for worms and fleas.  Sounded like a bit of hooey to me.  Worms and fleas?  Shouldn’t that have been diagnosed on the first trip?  We don’t have fleas in the apartment.  Whatever.  I hope Jenny gets better soon.

I have watched friends spend thousands of dollars and lots of time trying to save terminally ill cats.  It was expensive, emotionally draining and painful for their cat.   I refuse to go that route.  The vet shared one alternative was to talk Jenny to a no-kill shelter where someone else could adopt Jenny.

I don’t want to lose my Jenny.  Lea loves her dearly.  We will see how it goes.

I am grateful that Jenny is still with us.  She sits on my desk by my keyboard when I write my Gratitude blog post.  She is great company, fun to play with and very vocal.  She meows in a happy way when I pet her.

Being a Better Person

An older member of the fellowship visiting from Florida came to our meeting last week and again this morning.  She had been staying with a friend and her spouse.  The spouse had pushed her buttons in all sorts of ways that bothered her greatly.  We talked after the meeting.  Her description of an 80 year old man sounded exactly like how I used to be.  It was uncanny.

Our visitor felt a lot better after we talked.  I encouraged compassion and empathy.  It brought home the concept of being a grateful alcoholic instead of spending my life pushing people away with my (un)helpful verbal suggestions.  It used to be that I did not know any other way of interacting with others besides my sarcastic derogatory painful annoying comments made under the guise of being funny.  I had no way to change and little idea how much I was hurting myself and others.

Today’s observed behavior was someone with a history of saying “sorry” when called on their crap pretty much denying their part, much less taking ownership of their annoying misbehavior.

Thanks to the miracles of recovery and 12-step programs, I get to show up differently in my life today by not pushing everybody’s buttons, having compassion and empathy, and taking ownership when I have stepped out of line with an apology and sincere effort to change my ways in the future.

I am grateful for the huge positive changes I have made in how I show up in my relationships.  It is miraculously better than how it used to be.  While it was slow coming to wait until 55 to get much better social skills, that is a lot better than being 80 and still not having it.

Amazon.Com

I have gone wild shopping on Amazon for my new metalsmithing hobby.  They have a bigger selection at a better price than any store.

              

My weekend classmate Kim works for the Feds in some sort of identity theft division.  She won’t shop online anywhere much less at Amazon for ID theft reasons.  I think that is hideously poor risk analysis.  Brick & mortar stores such as Target have given up hundreds of millions of credit card numbers to hackers and Target is her favorite store.  Target did not announce the theft for months.  I believe that Amazon has some of the best digital security experts in the world working to make their systems secure.   Target got cracked by letting an outside HVAC tech access their server.  I did not share my thoughts with her about risk analysis for ID theft between shopping at Amazon and Target.  She did not seem like the sort to be persuaded by facts such as proven loser that hid their egregious error vs. world leader.  I did not mention both my sister and brother-in-law having CISSP certification, or even begin to discuss security with her beyond mentioning Bruce Schneier shops online.

I am grateful for the prices, selection and convenience of shopping online at Amazon.com.  It would take months with trips to stores for me to accumulate what I will have by Wednesday—and the prices would be at least 200% higher.  Thank you Amazon.com!

Learning To Solder Jewelry

I really enjoyed my 2-day jewelry soldering class this weekend and am glad I took it.  My farm-style soldering would never have worked to get any kind of artistic attractive results.  I made a silver ring with a green stone, a three layer sandwich pendant of copper-silver-copper  and half-finished a silver pendant with a large flat blue stone.  The results were stunningly attractive for something I made and sorta nice on a relative scale.

I bought a most of a starter kit of jewelry-smithing tools and supplies after class yesterday.  I bought what I could off my shopping list at Bird Tail Beads to support a local store, then switched comparison shopping between RioGrande.com and Amazon.  By the end of the week, I will be able to make many more shiny pieces of metal out of rocks, copper and silver.

I am grateful for what I learned in class, how much I enjoyed it and for the “flow” (losing myself in the task at hand by being deeply engaged).  It seems to be the kind of enjoyable and satisfying hobby that I always wanted to have.  I am blessed.

PS:  A shout out to for Neal Stephenson’s Reamde.  It is funny entertaining read on gaming, computer security and international intrigue based in the NW.  

Today, I’m Free

This brought me to the good healthy realization that there were plenty of situations left in the world over which I had no personal power – that if I was so ready to admit that to be the case with alcohol, so I must make the same admission with respect to much else. I would have to be still and know that He, not I, was God.  — As Bill Sees It , p. 114

I am learning to practice acceptance in all circumstances of my life, so that I may enjoy peace of mind. At one time life was a constant battle because I felt I had to go through each day fighting myself, and everyone else. Eventually, this became a losing battle. I ended up getting drunk and crying over my misery. When I began to let go and let God take over my life I began to have peace of mind. Today, I am free. I do not have to fight anybody or anything anymore.

Daily Reflections

10th step vernacular in the AA Big Book “And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame.”

I seek spiritual progress and not spiritual perfection—of which there is no imminent danger of my acquiring in this lifetime—and so there is a lot less fighting going on in my head.  Self-righteous indignation is an overused stalking horse for my addict mind to talk me out of living in acceptance of the present moment as a prelude to a rationale for using.  Being mindful in the current moment is not an intuitively obvious way of living for me no matter how well it works.

I am grateful for all the love, lessons, support, aphorisms, meditation and love that gets me out of my own best thinking and into a better way of living inside my mind instead of fighting anything or anyone.

Bruce Schneier Is My Hero

Surfing my way through the web news, I came across a video with Bruce Scheier. That was the first time I ever watched him talk beyond 30-second TVish talking head news flashes.  I have read his Cryptogram newsletter for years.

I am grateful that there are smart people like Bruce advocating for our rights in a free society with protection from unreasonable searches.  Today’s good news is that the US House voted to curb NSA spying on Americans.  My cynical nature leads me to doubt that there will be much change right away but it is at least a start on having a discussion to limit our government secretly spying on us.

A Better Day

My thoughts took a turn for the worse yesterday after a great start to the day.  I realized this morning that was possibly due in part to having been paralyzed 33 years ago on 6/18/81.  At 55 years of age, I have now spent 60% of my life being paralyzed.  Oops…

I did talk about my feelings with others and write about them here.  It is peculiar how I have such a fear of discussing my feelings when I know the alternative is to end up either miserable or using and miserable.   For most people the choice would be obvious and not need to be rethought at every turn.  For alcoholics like me, sharing my feelings with others is anathema at first thought.  Only by thinking it through am I able to persuade myself to come clean with my secrets.  One of my favorite recovery clichés is we are only as sick as our secrets.  Lies of omission have been a huge problem for me in the past.  I strive to avoid repeating that mistake and ensuing relapse to the best of my ability.

I am grateful for a good book—Neal Stephenson’s Reamde—, a nice swim, a warm day, being able to help others and a great Picasso quote that I heard yesterday “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.”

Less Negative Self-Talk and More Positive Thinking

Nature and nurture set me up to be exceeding good at negative self-talk.  I could play the old tapes in my head for years beating myself up with guilt and shame over things that I did or did not do.  Unfortunately this skill is only useful for having poor self-esteem and being susceptible to addiction.  I had low self-esteem and was addicted.  For the most part, I was full of self-pity and life sucked.

Life in my head is a lot better now than how it used to be.  I still have problems with low self-esteem and addiction, but they do not control my thinking for every waking moment like some hellish mental and emotional parasite.

I felt great this morning. Now I am having getting beat up by a little quiet voice in the back of my head promoting guilt and shame over problems with a church meeting being less than accessible due a garage sale and for not being able to bend wire in perfectly symmetrical arcs on my first attempts to use a jig.  If it was not that, it would be something else.  At least I was trying to better myself when my reality was not as I would have it be.

I am learning to live life on life’s terms.  Today was a good day with nice weather, plenty of food, a pinch of exercise, a good meeting with the topic of insisting on having fun, Lea organized her first social event with M to visit Danica and her new baby, and more.

One of the skills that I am developing is acknowledging to others when I am in pain so that I don’t need to self-medicate to treat the pain.  Now I can share my pain with others, be mindful that the pain is stems from just thoughts and feelings and not facts, and let it go.  I can have rough moments during good days.

I am grateful for my improving emotional maturity and willingness to do things that don’t always work out perfectly.  I will be more skilled tomorrow thanks to my efforts today.

A Good Day

I had a good day today filled with peace, serenity, joy, love and support from others.

I am grateful for my sobriety, my friends in recovery and for having a sense of joie de vivre.

Danica’s Baby Jayse

 Lea and I went to visit Danica at Swedish Hospital today to her and her new baby Jayse.  She was doing great and very happy to see us.  Jayse was a little cutie that blessed us with a few smiles while he slept through our visit.  Lea had a wonderful time holding Jayse in a glider-style rocking chair.

I have a glider rocking chair and matching glider footstool that I wanted to get rid of for years.  We are going to give it to Danica when she has space for it or moves to her new place.

Lea brought her a matching “monkey” baby blanket and pillow.  I gave Danica a set of earrings that looked nice and will match her monkey pendant.   In honor of yesterday  being Father’s day, I left the price tag on so they looked ridiculously expensive, but sold for 90% off when I was at Sear’s with Bob last week.

I am grateful to be able to help someone that is working so hard to change her life and her baby’s life for the vastly better.  Danica is tremendously courageous, a joy to be around and working hard to make her life better.

RIP Casey Kasem 1932-2014 — Thanks For The Memories

http://ll-media.tmz.com/2014/04/10/04-10-14-casey-kasem-death-getty-3.jpg

From TMZ.com:

Casey Kasem -- the original voice of the American Top 40 countdown -- died Sunday morning ... TMZ has confirmed.

His daughter Kerri said on Facebook this morning ... her dad was surrounded by family and friends. adding, "Even though we know he is in a better place and no longer suffering, we are heartbroken."

Casey was suffering from advanced Parkinson's Disease and dementia. His wife Jean Kasem moved him to a convalescent home in Santa Monica a few months ago.

Kasem founded the "AT 40" radio franchise back in 1970 ... and famously hosted the wildly popular show until 2004. He went on to do several spinoff countdown shows until he retired from radio in 2009.

He was also very famous for voicing cartoon voices like Shaggy from "Scooby-Doo" ... and Robin on "Super Friends." He was inducted into the National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame in 1985.

From CBSlocal.com: Kasem’s “American Top 40″ began on July 4, 1970, in Los Angeles, when the No. 1 song was Three Dog Night’s cover of Randy Newman’s “Mama Told Me Not to Come.” The show expanded to hundreds of stations, including Armed Forces Radio, and continued in varying forms — and for varying syndicators — into the 21st century. He stepped down from “American Top 40″ in 2004 and retired altogether in 2009, completing his musical journey with Shinedown’s “Second Chance.”

In his signoff, he would tell viewers: “And don’t forget: keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.”

Casey brought top-of-the-pop music to generations with his warm voice and gentle wit.  As the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo, he was in dozens of movies.  RIP Casey.  Thanks for the music and the memories.  Keep looking up.

I am listening to rock/pop classics from back in the day and am grateful for the explosion in musical exposure led by Casey propagated by AM & FM radio, LPs, cassette tapes, CDs and the web. I will listen to more music in the future.

My First Art Class Since Junior High

I signed up for a two-day class next weekend on making pendants with silver and cabochons by cutting and soldering silver pieces together. The same silversmithing methods are used to make rings, earrings and other jewelry.  I struggled in both art and shop class due to a lack of creativity, desire and skill to make things.  I might never make beautiful well crafted jewelry.  I am sure that I will enjoy making things with metal, hot fire and small power tools.

I am excited about the idea of making pendants with polished rock.  If nothing else, I will learn more about the geology of how the rocks were formed in the earth’s crust, some inorganic chemistry and metallurgy.  I want to know more about all those topics.

I am grateful for the self-awareness to know that I need to find a creative artistic outlet.  I am also grateful that I have the time and financial resources to afford to a go at crafting metal into jewelry.

A Slightly Crummy Day

It was a gloomy day outside and I felt the same way on the inside from the time I woke up.  The good news is that crummy thoughts and feelings are not nearly as likely to become my reality as how it used to be.  Today, I got up, suited up, showed up and had an okay morning with a trip to the clinic and a meeting.  After a bit of the meeting after the meeting, we gave up on going swimming and came home for lunch, hobby time and a nap followed by more hobby time.

I don’t have the skills to make beautiful pendants yet, but I worked on soldering, wiring bending and wrapping.  I think I will take a 2-day class next weekend at Bird Tail Beads on soldering.  The instructor, Sandy Johnson is having a show tomorrow at BTB.  I will stop by to check out her work and chat with her.

I am grateful for: my sobriety; better attenuation of my thoughts, feelings and actions; and wonderful local resources within a mile or so of my home including the THS clinic, the Alano Club of the Eastside, US Bank, and Bird Tail Beads.

Back to Prison

Due to my relapse in March, my AA sponsor had me take some time off from meetings in prison since we cannot transmit what we do not have.  Tonight I went to the Washington State Reformatory AA meeting for the first time in 5 months.  It was good to be back.

The topic was relationships with family, friends and society.  All us guys at the meeting were experts in screwing up relationships.  In sobriety, we are a lot healthier than how we used to be.

I am grateful for my relationships in recovery.  I could not make it without others showing me how to live sober one day at a time.

100 Days and More

I have one hundred days as of two minutes ago…yay me!

Next week, I will have been paralyzed for 33 years.  Not recommended, but I am glad to be alive and reasonably healthy.

Back in the early years I had dealt with wheelchair/medical products vendors in 4 states.  The universal lesson out of that was to set low expectations for customer service. 

My current vendor had been most convenient when located a mile away with okay service.   Now they have moved twice and been bought out/merged three times to set a new standard in abysmal service.   I have to drive to Lynnwood just to place an order that—again—that I made last year.  I have one last transaction to do with them and it will be time for a new vendor.  Maybe the support and service staff at NuMotion despise me and they are good to everyone else—maybe—but I doubt it.  I found a new (to me at least) wheelchair shop in Bellevue.  Between them and SportAid in Atlanta, I will never go back to NuMotion again.

Lea saw her son today for the first time in 18(?) months.  That went well.  He is a nice young man with some legal troubles from crimes committed in the midst of feeding his addiction.  Hopefully he will find a way to stop before his bottom gets much lower.

I am grateful for my 100 days of sobriety, getting parts for my wheelchair, practicing wire-bending for pendants and warm weather.

Lunch With Bob

 Had lunch with my friend Bob yesterday at Southcenter Mall.  He looked great, especially  for a man doing chemo for skin cancer.  I have known Bob since at least first grade, maybe kindergarten.  My oldest memory of him is playing marbles with him and losing my giant steelie.  That is when I learned that I hated losing while gambling.  To this day, I kinda like gambling but hate losing so bad that I don’t gamble with the expectation of possibly winning.  That was a good lesson.

I don’t see much of Bob even though he only lives 20 minutes away.  He is married and lives with his wife Lani a short mile east of the north end of the Seatac airport runways with surprising less noise than I would expect from the airport.  Bob has been a really good friend to me over the years.

I am grateful for my relationship with Bob.  He is the only person from my childhood that I stay in contact with and very important to me even though I don’t see much of him.

Cupcakes

Lea and Brittany co-secretary/chair the Tuesday morning meeting.   Lea brings treats on Tuesday and Brittany brings treats on Friday.  Lea is making cupcakes tonight for the morning meeting.  I used the hand mixer my sister gave me to mix the cake batter.  We bought the fancy German chocolate cake mix judging by how it mixes in two bowls and is then combined in the pan by slightly swirling the top layer.

Lea finished a 4^th & 5^th step with her sponsor yesterday.  I strongly believe that will reduce her anxiety/stress level which likely was, in my mind, a big part of her chronic body pains.  She already is a lot happier and in less pain today.  It is a huge leap of faith driven by hideous pain for an alcoholic to work the steps.  Nobody I know of came to AA with a casual hurt seeking to stay sober.

We will work on a 12-step workbook while waiting for the cupcakes to cook.

I am grateful to be sober in recovery with good friends and fun projects to work while doing my best to be of service to others.

Living In The Now

From AA’s Daily Reflections for June 9^th:

First, we try living in the now just in order to stay sober — and it works. Once the idea has become a part of our thinking, we find that living life in 24-hour segments is an effective and satisfying way to handle many other matters as well.  Living Sober, p. 7

"One Day At A Time." To a newcomer this and other one-liners of A.A. may seem ridiculous. The passwords of the A.A. Fellowship can become lifelinesin moments of stress. Each day can be like a rose unfurling according to the plan of a Power greater than myself. My program should be planted in the right location, just as it will need to be groomed, nourished, and protected from disease. My planting will require patience, and my realizing that some flowers will be more perfect than others. Each stage of the petals' unfolding can bring wonder and delight if I do not interfere or let my expectations override my acceptance — and this brings serenity. 

When I came to recovery there was no place in time for me to live.  My past sucked, I did not know how to live in the present and the future was getting darker with every passing day.  Now my past is not hideously painful and terminally unique.  The future will take care of itself.  The present is a gift from god for me to live in one day at a time.

I am grateful to be living in the present moment most of the time in my life now.

Another Trip To Echo Glen

Lea and I went to Echo Glen again tonight.  That might be the first time in a decade that I went two weeks in a row.  I don’t know.  Maybe Leslee and I went out there repeatedly seven years ago.  It was nice to be out there twice in a row. 

One of the girls asked Lea to share before the meeting started saying “I want to hear your story”.  Lea talked about using from the age of 7 after her mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Sharing during the meeting with the kids was the happiest I have ever seen Lea look.  It was like watching a beautiful flower bloom in real-time.

I am grateful that Washington DSHS is progressive enough to offer incarcerated youth a 3 month recovery program in a gorgeous setting.  Echo Glen is a far better place than, say, Green Hills in Centralia where one of the adult volunteers talked about spending time as a child.

A Good Day After A Rough Start

Yesterday’s morning meditation was a wonderful experience in positive thinking.  This morning’s meditation was a less salubrious experience with multiple flashbacks to times of feeling shame or resentment towards others.

The great fact is that I knew this too shall pass being mindful to get back into the present moment.  I did have a nice day.  Our morning meeting was brimming with positive energy of alcoholics telling stories of triumph over addiction and adversity.  The topic title was All We Do Is Try. 

A vigorous swim and talking with others helped make a better day.  Danica and I chatted while treading water.   The circle of life continues, her favorite uncle is dying and she is going to have her baby soon.  Drilling my first cabochon and doing some wire work expanded my artistic horizons.  The resulting “jewelry” was the wire working equivalent of coloring outside the lines with crayons.  Nonetheless I have now made a start on a new hobby.

As I practice meditation, not all experiences will be delightful.  With practice I am more diligent and  become more skilled in focusing on the good things on I want in my life instead of being stuck on all my problems in other words, seeing life as a glass half full instead of half empty.

Danica called this evening to let us know that she had gone into labor and was going to the hospital to have her baby.

I am grateful for another day sober, becoming a diligent meditator, recovery, swimming, long sunny days with almost 16 hours between sunrise and sunset, a new hobby, and great books to read on my Kindle courtesy of the King County Library system.  The circle of life continues.

A Great Morning Meditation

Lea left an hour early this morning walking to the clinic and the meeting this morning.  She read our usual morning meditation reading and then was on her way.  I had a wonderfully pleasant period of meditation enjoying a nice sense of bliss that my day was off to a good start and looking forward to the day ahead.

Our meeting went well.  Danica’s baby is due today.  We gave her a little monkey pendant to let her know how happy we are for her.  We also gave the meeting secretary, E, a fancy coin for his 6 years sober although that will not happen for two more days on Sunday.  It felt good to help others celebrate their success.

After that,  I went to my doctor and then lunch with Dan.   I have a problem with blood clots and so need to be tested for clotting time every month.  The range is supposed to be between 2 – 2.5.   Today it was a 2.2.  Practically perfect.

Lunch with Dan was a bit troubling.   We started lunch once a month 16 years ago.  Most times we met regularly.  Sometimes he fell out due to problems with not taking his schizophrenia medication.  He missed meeting with me the last two months.  He was having problems with his PC and asked me to help him with it.  I have seven years experience providing tech support in a call center.  I can’t help Dan over the phone with his PC problems.  I spent an hour removing and deleting crapware that had slowed his PC to a crawl. 

We went to lunch at Ivar’s on Aurora.  Dan ordered far more than he could eat.  When I called him on it, he assured me that he would eat it all.  When he was trying pocket his side order of shrimp I called him on that.  Dan does not have the social skills to be sly.  I don’t mind spending a few extra dollars on food.  My problem is that I am striving to be his friend and not his foodbank.  It changes our relationship when he is trying to work me instead of simply enjoying our time together.  Last year, I gave him a pound of tobacco for his birthday.  This year when he blew me off, he got “happy birthday” on his Facebook page.

I am troubled by his admission that he is smoking pot.  His mental health is fragile enough without weed.  Buying him extra food feels like subsidizing his pot use.  Granted, you can’t get much pot for the price of a side order of shrimp and a couple extra pieces of fish at Ivar’s.  My big problem is it feels like spending time with an addict in active addiction seeking what they can get instead of being present in the relationship.  That is an undesirable way to spend my time in relationship with others.   This will have to change.  There, I just took a blogging timeout to send him an email addressing my concerns.  Now I feel better.

I am grateful for a blissful morning meditation, a great meeting, a wonderful doctor and a warm sunny June day in Seattle.

Retail Therapy As A Hobby Start

My first hobby start will be to make some necklace pendants out of shiny/polished rocks.  A bit of Googling found 30ish rock clubs in Washington State.  Further research determined that the closest rock shop was in downtown Kirkland by the marina at http://www.earthlightgems.com.

After much looking at many shiny rocks and crystals, I bought six cabochons (relatively flat shaped polished rocks/gemstones).  In the spirit of shopping, I also ordered a rotary hand-tool with some diamond bits to grind holes in the pendants if wire-wrapping goes astray. 

Now I really wish I had a workshop.  I have wanted a rock polisher since I was a kid.  It would be killer to have space for metal work, polishing and such.  That is already a pleasant side-effect of my getting a hobby—to dream bigger dreams than merely having another day of life.  So far, so good.

Tomorrow will be a full day with the doctor, lunch with Dan and hopefully swimming.  Friday will work to get started wire bending and grinding.  How cool is that?  A creative activity to look forward to…

I am grateful for the willingness to stretch my comfort zone trying to develop some artistic creativity.  [That only took about 20 books on positive psychology suggesting the same thing for me to be willing to take action…  Progress, not perfection!]

Letting Go Of Our Old Selves

Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. . . .Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Alcoholics Anonymous pages 75, 76

The Sixth Step is the last "preparation" Step. Although I have already used prayer extensively, I have made no formal request of my Higher Power in the first Six Steps. I have identified my problem, come to believe that there is a solution, made a decision to seek this solution, and have "cleaned house." I now ask: Am I willing to live a life of sobriety, of change, to let go of my old self? I must determine if I am truly ready to change. I review what I have done and become willing for God to remove all my defects of character; for in the next Step, I will tell my Creator I am willing and will ask for help. If I have been thorough in the preparation of my foundation and feel that I am willing to change, I am then ready to continue with the next Step. "If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing."  Alcoholics Anonymous page 76

If sobriety was a war, I have lost a few battles.  The fantastic miraculous great news is that I am sober today with 90 days...again.  There are not many alcoholics that have lost as many battles with the bottle as I have that are still sober today.  I needed more lessons in humility than most others in recovery.  Hopefully that is enough of that.

I am grateful for: the god-given grit and willingness to keep coming back to meetings in my battle for sobriety; 90 days sober; Lea having 90 days sober for the first time in her life since she was 7 years old; Youtube music videos; and my new hobby of making pendants by wire-wrapping rocks and crystals.

I Need A Hobby

All my life, I have had a fear of trying new things—especially artistic or crafty things.  I want to participate, but can’t get off the sidelines into the game.  I don’t have any burning message I need to share with others.  I do know that I need to find an outlet for creativity that engages me so that I get into a state of flow and engagement.

I love to read.  That is my favorite pastime.  There is no creativity in reading.  It is a somewhat mindless way to pass the hours.

I will do five creative things this summer.  That will likely include photography, painting, drawing, wire-bending/jewelry and TBD.  I don’t need to be skillful.  I do need to stretch my comfort zone and participate in life.

I am sad that I was taught to perceive myself so lacking in talent that it is not even worth my time to try to be creative.  That was a whole bunch of child abuse to last this long.  I will have self-compassion for myself and my family.  We did not know any better.

I am grateful for the rwillingness to try to find enjoyable creative outlets.

We Can Always Pray

When it seems we have no recourse, we can always pray.

Coming to believe that a Higher Power can help us and relieve us of our worry may take time if we have spent years trying to stop someone's drinking or worrying about how to keep the family together. From others in this program we can learn the steps to take. Becoming willing to pray is the first one.

We'll soon discover that the power of prayer is awesome. Here are six compelling reasons why:

(1) Prayer promises relief when we are anxious.

(2) Prayer connects us with our Higher Power when we feel isolated and full of fear.

(3) Prayer frees our minds from the obsession to plan other people's lives.

(4) Prayer helps us take action when we feel compelled to change the circumstances of our lives.

(5) Prayer becomes a wonderful resource to draw on when living through our painful moments.

(6) And prayer gives us the willingness to accept God's solution for every problem that plagues us.

I will utilize prayer today every time I wonder what I should do.

          from A Life of My Own by Karen Casey

I have no idea whether god does or does not exist and waste little time on seeking proof of god’s existence or lack thereof.  The thought-experiment of comparing days without god and without prayer vs days with god and with prayer has always proven that it always works better for me to act as if there is a kind benevolent god that will take care of my worrying as long as I do the next indicated thing aka the footwork. 

I am grateful for the mental techniques of prayer and meditation that get me out of fear into a mindset of faith and love.  This is the only way I know for me to have a life that works well enough for me to be sober and happy on a daily basis.  It is a lot better than intoxicated and/or suicidal.

A Trip To Echo Glen

Last night was a gorgeous warm sunny Saturday night.  Lea and I went to Echo Glen for an AA meeting.  Things have changed out there.  What used to be an open corridor is now a nice enclosed visitor staging area with cushioned chairs.  The “lodges” used to have huge open useless fireplaces in the middle of an “H” shaped central area with rooms/cells on the arms of the H.  The fireplaces are gone now and H has been expanded to look more like a pregnant H with a conference room on across from the entrance.  It looked a lot more functional than how it used to be.

The AA meeting had also changed.  On the last Saturday of the month it is now a speaker meeting.  There was supposed to be two speakers last night, but one of them did not show up.  The other speaker had a story very close to mine for a few years after high school.   Our stories diverged then. He got sober at 24 and had 29 years of sobriety.  I have 89 days.

I am not that big a fan of speaker meetings in the first place.  Foisting them off on young teenage delinquents whose primary offense was lacking functional adults in their lives and being a bit ADD seemed more like inflicting punishment on them instead of sharing some love with them.  Instead of having a sober adult listen to them, there were once again being told what “you need to…”  I don’t have any idea what will actually work best for the kids.  I do know I like and want a more interactive environment than some old guy telling war stories and “you need to…” to incarcerated children.  On the other hand, the people that changed the meeting format were showing up every week and I am not.

Lea and I did stick around to talk with a boy and a girl away from the group at a round dining table.  The girl’s mom died at 8.  Lea’s mom died when she was 11.  They definitely shared a connection.  The girl asked three times if we were (read Lea was) coming back next week.  Maybe we will.  Volunteers need a background check to come out on a regular basis.  I have been cleared.  Lea might want to take care of that outstanding arrest warrant before going much further!  We will go again soon—just not to the lecture, err, speaker meeting.

We got out there a few minutes early and parked by the a roadside Rainier cherry stand to drink a soda and enjoy the sunshine.  Probably would have bought some cherries if they previous shopper had not been quite so OCD in having to touch at least 35 of the 50 cherry cartons displayed on a table under an awning.  That was weird & creepy in a killed our appetite for cherries kind of way.  To her credit, she did eventually buy a carton of cherries.

I am grateful for long warm evenings, a juvenile prison that provides rehabilitation, Echo Glen, Youtube music videos, a car that runs great and the coming week of warm weather.