The three biggest
events for me in 2012 were successfully working with my sister to get a
quasi-guardianship for our demented mother, my six-month serial relapse and achieving
43 days of sobriety today.
The
guardianship experience was the usual experience with our mother—laden with
conflict, mistrust and hysterical accusations about our motives and character—with
a much less than optimal result that is a
great improvement over her previous situation.
There was no oversight on the Morgan-Stanley account of an 83-year old
woman with (technically undiagnosed) Alzheimer's. Her broker that was day-trading on her behalf
with hundreds of thousands of dollars uninvested that MS was harvesting the
interest from. Her broker was consistently skimming over a
thousand dollars a month in trading commissions for trades that resulted in a rarely
resulted in a positive investment transaction.
The frosting
on the guardianship process was my mother calling me the day before my birthday
to bitch about legal fees from having fought the guardianship process to
protect her money. I had gone seven years
without talking to Beverly prior to being informed of her having a mental
health breakdown caused by dementia resulting in her being placed in the
psychiatric ward of a local hospital. Even
after years of therapy and 13 years of 12-step programs, it is too painful for
me to interact with my mother. She is
the most negative person I know.
Shortly
after that call and experience, I relapsed back into my six-month bout of
smoking crack. I relapsed because I am
an addict. My resolve to stay sober was
weakened by emotional pain from mommy issues.
I love the high that I get from using crack. The downside is that the emotional
and financial low I get from using crack will lead to a nasty, brutish and
short existence.
Interacting with
my mother and smoking crack were both negative experiences that made me
stronger. In hindsight, I would have
done things differently. In reality, I
am extremely fortunate to be sober and have a home of my own today.
I have taken
greatly increased ownership of my mental health by letting go of self-pity to
the best of my ability, sharing my
thoughts and feelings more openly in a (somewhat) forthright manner of
communication, and having undergone a sea-change in the value of my
relationships with others.
This year I
have one New Year's resolution that I am taking seriously: I will average a meeting a day for the next 90
days.
Other
resolutions include increased exercise, eat better, and better proofreading my Gratitude
Blog posts. J
I am
grateful to have survived 2012, for my return to sobriety, for less self-pity,
increased happiness, and better relationships in my life. I am learning to love myself. Thank you god.
