Admitted to God, to
ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 12x12, p. 55
[Step 5]
Since it is true
that God comes to me through people, I can see that by keeping people at a
distance I also keep God at a distance. God is nearer to me than I think and I
can experience Him by loving people and allowing people to love me. But I can
neither love nor be loved if I allow my secrets to get in the way.
It's the side of
myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look at the
dark side in order to heal my mind and heart because that is the road to
freedom. I must walk into darkness to find the light and walk into fear to find
peace.
By revealing my
secrets – and thereby ridding myself of guilt – I can actually change my
thinking; by altering my thinking, I can change myself. My thoughts create my
future. What I will be tomorrow is determined by what I think today.
One of the zillions of cliches in recovery is that “I am only as sick
as my secrets”. Working step 5 gave me
specific practice in how to share my pain and secrets with others. Today my left leg was more swollen than usual
from the DVT blood clot I got shortly after being paralyzed 33 years ago. Fears of hospitals, strokes, dying,
amputation and so on ran rampant through my mind today. I pointed it out to Lea, discussed it at the
meeting, went swimming and decided that my appointment with my GP tomorrow
would be soon enough to review the issue with a medical professional. By then I was able to let go of my secrets
and have a program of action. That was
good enough for today.
I am grateful to be able to share my secrets with others today. In the past I had carried these secrets like
a bag of sharp rocks that weighed me down and hurt. Now it is just something that I have to deal
with tomorrow.
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