More Balking

I have activities that would improve my life to work on and/or complete.  Not doing them results in negative/undesirable thoughts and feelings.  Doing them makes me feeling better.  They are not particularly hard.  I would probably even enjoy doing them.  The tyranny of insane alcoholic thinking  aka sloth or procrastination causes me to persuade myself to not do them.  I know it is insane behavior.  I feel bad and want to feel better—apparently just not enough to actually take action.

The good news is that I am well aware of this process and able to take a little action at a time.  Writing about my balking at least allows me to process it with words and lets go of some of the self-inflicted tyranny of negative thinking.  Being stuck in yet another cycle of insane thinking and behavior is a degree of maddening well beyond frustrating especially while I sit here and watch it happen.

I have taken some action today.  I went to two meetings, talked with others and put the final parts in my HTPC (that took two minutes).  The next step is to test the HTPC.  Either it works and I am good to go or back to the drawing board.  Working on metalsmithing is also high on my list of to-do activities.  Even after finding a hobby that I like doing, I am balking on it.  Fear of failure is incorrectly tuned in my mind.  The only failure is when I do nothing.  I don’t need to do things well.  I just need take action.

I am grateful that I am not in worse shape emotionally.  Clearly the possibility exists to be a lot worse off.

Reading Positivity today, the author went through a similar scenario of failure.  Her solution is arguing with these thoughts and with real facts.  Feelings are not facts.  FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.  I will take more action tomorrow.