Diplomat Or Worst President Ever?

Earlier this week former VP Dick Cheney stated, “Obama is the worst President Ever” for failing to go to war with Russia over the Ukraine.  Now that Russia has moved most of the 40,000 troops back from the Ukraine border under pressure from financial and diplomatic sanctions, Mr Cheney has proven himself to be an even bigger idiot than the guy who helped mastermind the longest two wars in US history based on lies.

It would be great to see Cheney charged and sentenced for treason for his roles in warmongering and the world’s biggest economic collapse.  That is not going to happen.  It is rewarding to see Cheney proven nearly illiterate in his comprehension of world politics, much less merely completely wrong.

I am incredibly grateful for not having a country led by psychopathic warmongering idiots that shoot their friends while bird-hunting.  Screw you Cheney, go back to orchestrating corporate welfare for your energy companies with your plans to invade Iraq a year before 9/11.  Goodbye and good riddance.

I am grateful for the millions of people that now have medical insurance thanks to Obamacare and for a President that has more sophisticated political responses than invading countries on the far side of the world in a misguided effort to fight the war on terrorism causing far more harm than actual terrorists ever dreamed of inflicting.

The Happiness Advantage

Today’s book is The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor.  After reading 1/7th of the book with its 7 principles of happiness (or positivity), the take-away seems to be that happiness leads to success and not success leads to happiness.  Shawn does a 12-minute TEDx talk here.

I am as happy today as I have ever been with the possible exception of when I worked as a timber cutter at the age of 21.  I was certainly more physically fit then.  Now I have much greater mental and emotional fitness.

My sister passed the CISSP (Certified Information Systems Security Professional) test today!  I am sure she is happy for that successful achievement.  I hope it serves as a stepping stone to advance her career in digital security and as a company board director.


I am grateful for the social support I have been given that showed me how to work on overcoming my addiction and depression successfully create a state of happiness in my life.

Using Gratitude to Overcome Frustration

Lately I have been frustrated by others more than usual.  Their behavior has not changed.  Somehow I have come up with a set of expectations or sense of entitlements that are not being met to my own weird always escalating internal standards.  When I take the time to be mindful while evaluating my cognitive dissonance between wanting to be serene and happy while wanting others do things as I think I would have them done it is a clear case of insanity run amuck in my head.  The solution is to work with others.

The following is a cut-n-paste from happinessinthisworld.com about how to manage frustration.   Reading about frustration management helped put my insane thinking and ego in check for right now.

It’s an uncomfortable paradox that the people closest to us often frustrate us the most.  My theory about this is that we all have a certain level of tolerance for frustration that diminishes with repeated exposure to a situation or a person we find frustrating.  Thus we more easily manage our frustration at the beginning of a frustrating experience and with people we’ve only just met, but as time passes and our frustration continues, our ability to manage it steadily decreases.  Certainly becoming more comfortable with someone who frustrates us also plays an important role in our feeling less constrained about expressing our feelings (in both positive and negative ways).  And further our closest family members populate the most intimate areas of our lives and often limit our ability to find privacy or refuge in which to rest and thereby temporarily regain an ability to tolerate things that (and people who) frustrate us.

Yet poorly managed frustration is toxic to relationships.  It causes a build-up of resentment that—even when over only small things—can ultimately overwhelm any desire to relate in a positive fashion.  And no one likes living in a perpetual state of annoyance or anger (no matter how much it may seem like they do).

But frustration often takes on a life of its own in relationships.  We all possess triggers that outside influences (i.e., people) can pull without our being able to stop them, bringing to life parts of ourselves from whom we’d rather not hear, but who we often have no apparent power to silence.

At least, not with a direct application of willpower.  Trying to suppress or ignore frustration seems only to make it worse, often causing us to magnify the import of whatever complaint we have against whoever frustrated us.  We then often find ourselves typecasting the offending person into a black-and-white caricature of themselves:  they become entirely self-centered, entirely insensitive, and entirely over-entitled.  In one fell swoop we lose sight of everything good within them.  And from this perspective arises a significantly increased risk for voicing hurtful words or taking dramatic action which we later bitterly regret.

Instead of willpower, then, the best antidote upon which I’ve stumbled involves the use of gratitude.  Now when I become frustrated, I strive to immediately remind myself of all the things I appreciate about the person who’s frustrated me.  Undoubtedly, appreciating people we see in our day-to-day lives is the most difficult, as they’re the very people not only most likely to frustrate us but also with whom we’re most likely unable to control our frustration—but such people wouldn’t likely be in our lives so consistently in the first place if they didn’t have important qualities that we valued.  Reminding ourselves of those qualities shouldn’t, therefore, be too difficult.

Feeling grateful in response to such self-prompting while in the midst of feeling frustration, however, often is.  Yet it’s precisely at those times that gratitude becomes most valuable—as a distraction.  For just as distracting ourselves from a tempting piece of pie will more likely enable us to avoid eating it than trying to suppress our urge to do so, so too distracting ourselves from our frustration by focusing our attention instead on something we appreciate about the person who’s frustrated us will work better than trying to outright suppress or ignore it.

How to best summon up a feeling of gratitude for someone?  By vividly imagining the ultimate consequence of expressing our greatest frustration in the most negative way:  having the person vacate our lives entirely.  If we can really wrap our minds around this possibility, fully imagining then freeing ourselves not just from the “bad” but from the “good” as well, we just may be able to generate a strong enough feeling of appreciation to override our feelings of frustration.

Of course, getting control over our frustrated outbursts is often far harder than the above would imply.  Yet if we can cultivate an attitude of gratitude in general, reminding ourselves on a daily basis of different things for which we’re grateful about the people who populate the most intimate parts of our lives, we may find ourselves better prepared to call upon that gratitude to help us control our frustration at crucial moments.  And even more importantly, enjoy not just our relationships more, but also ourselves.

I am grateful for my friends, getting better at relationships, more functional self-evaluation, my sobriety, my freshly cleaned carpet, my loving cats, a warm dry weather forecast for the next week, plenty of food to eat, a convenient place to swim in a warm pool, a car that runs great, new tires for my wheelchair, fast PCs, a good DSL connection and a big screen TV. 

I am also grateful to be feeling better now that I focused myself on being more grateful for what I have instead of obsessing on unmet insane expectations.  (By definition, pretty much any expectation I have of others is insane.)





A Short List

Writer’s block or sloth strikes again resulting in a list of things that I am grateful as suggested by Lea:

Being alive
Sober friends
Flowers on our balcony
Plenty of food to eat
Sobriety
Lea

Skimmed the book Happiness for Dummies today at the library.  The one factoid I got out of it was that most people have a sense of entitlement that blocks them from being as happy as they can be.  Writing about gratitude helps me lower my sense of entitlement and self-righteousness resulting in much greater appreciation for all the good people and things in my life.


I am grateful for another day sober, money in the bank, a pleasant place to live and a comfortable bed with many pillows that reduce body pain while I sleep.

No Maudlin Guilt

Day by day, we try to move a little toward God's perfection. So we need not be consumed by maudlin guilt. . . .  As Bill Sees It, p. 15

When I first discovered that there is not a single "don't" in the Twelve Steps of A.A., I was disturbed because this discovery swung open a giant portal. Only then was I able to realize what A.A. is for me:

A.A.is not a program of "don'ts," but of "do's."

A.A. is not martial law; it is freedom.
A.A. is not tears over defects, but sweat over fixing them.
A.A. is not penitence; it is salvation.
A.A. is not "Woe to me" for my sins, past and present.
A.A. is "Praise God" for the progress I am making today.

All of my life, my mind was mired in a swamp of maudlin guilt that I could not escape.  The tools of the program have helped me to use my mind to change my brain so that I am no longer stuck in a state of self-flagellating depression.  Now when those “old tapes” start playing I immediately ask my higher power for help by praying, meditating and focusing on my positive attributes and the many good things in my life that I have to be grateful for.

I am grateful for a better life in my head today.  The world is pretty much the same as it always was.  I have changed for the vastly better.


Memorial Day

My father was a veteran serving as a Navel Aviator in WWII.  My brother died in a training flight while doing the Air Force ROTC in 1975.  Grandma’s brothers served in WWI.  My ancestry has a lineage tracing back through every major wars before that.

Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States for remembering the men and women who died while serving in the country's armed forces.  War is a place that old men send young men off to die.

A truly heinous atrocity is being perpetrated on our veterans that have survived.  The Veterans Administration hospitals are now a grossly underfunded dump site for ailing veterans.  From CNN, “At least 40 U.S. veterans died waiting for appointments at the Phoenix Veterans Affairs Health Care system, many of whom were placed on a secret waiting list.  The secret list was part of an elaborate scheme designed by Veterans Affairs managers in Phoenix who were trying to hide that 1,400 to 1,600 sick veterans were forced to wait months to see a doctor, according to a recently retired top VA doctor and several high-level sources.”

This veteran abuse is unacceptable on any level except for by our politicians in Congress, the President and the Federal judges to allow this to continue unabated.  I got one vote and that is being trumped by mindless idiots selling theirs to the highest bidder in the campaign wars.  The Koch brothers and the rest of the 0.1% are beating democracy and common decency to a pulp.  It is time for a 21st century version of the Sherman Act to protect our country from Citizens United (aka Money Unlimited).

I am grateful for the sacrifices of those veterans who gave their lives for our country and sorry for their loss. 


War quotes from About.com
Gregory Clark
Are bombs the only way of setting fire to the spirit of a people? Is the human will as inert as the past two world-wide wars would indicate?

Albert Einstein
A country cannot simultaneously prepare and prevent war.

Benjamin Franklin
Never has there been a good war or a bad peace.

Dwight D. Eisenhower
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed.

Emperor Hirohito
All men are brothers, like the seas throughout the world; So why do winds and waves clash so fiercely everywhere?

Ernest Hemingway
Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.

Gandhi
What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?

George McGovern
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Marcus Tullius Cicero
An unjust peace is better than a just war.

Georges Clemenceau
War is too serious a matter to entrust to military men.

General Douglas MacArthur
It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it.

William Shakespeare King Henry V
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our English dead! In peace there's nothing so becomes a man As modest stillness and humility; But when the blast of war blows in our ears, Then imitate the action of the tiger: Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood.

Albert Einstein
So long as there are men there will be wars.

Albert Einstein
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Winston Churchill
England has been offered a choice between war and shame. She has chosen shame and will get war.

Joseph Heller, Catch 22
"Let someone else get killed!" "Suppose everyone on our side felt that way?" "Well then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?" "Englishmen are dying for England, American's are dying for America, Germans are dying for Germany, Russians are dying for Russia. There are now fifty or sixty countries fighting in this war. Surely so many countries can all be worth dying for?" "Anything worth living for," said Nately, "is worth dying for." "And anything worth dying for," answered the old man, "is certainly worth living for."

Kosovar
You know the real meaning of PEACE only if you have been through the war.

Peter Weiss
Once and for all the idea of glorious victories won by the glorious army must be wiped out. Neither side is glorious. On either side they're just frightened men messing their pants and they all want the same thing - not to lie under the earth, but to walk upon it - without crutches.

Plato
Only the dead have seen the end of war.

Ronald Reagan

History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap.

Progressive Gratitude

Gratitude should go forward, rather than backward.   As Bill Sees It, p. 29

I am very grateful that my Higher Power has given me a second chance to live a worthwhile life. Through Alcoholics Anonymous, I have been restored to sanity. The promises are being fulfilled in my life. I am grateful to be free from the slavery of alcohol. I am grateful for peace of mind and the opportunity to grow, but my gratitude should go forward rather than backward. I cannot stay sober on yesterday's meetings or past Twelfth-Step calls; I need to put my gratitude into action today. Our co-founder said our gratitude can best be shown by carrying the message to others. Without action, my gratitude is just a pleasant emotion. I need to put it into action by working Step Twelve, by carrying the message and practicing the principles in all my affairs. I am grateful for the chance to carry the message today!


I had a wonderful joy getting to the meeting 5:30 meeting this sunny warm afternoon with Lea and D.  Mo got a place to live in a downtown Bellevue condo after being homeless for two years.  Elma was back at the meeting after being gone for two years of research in Arizona.   Brad was getting on his new Harley after having gone MIA five years ago.  Jon has a job.   Greg made it to the meeting coming up on seven months.  Lea now has 80 days after having used once in the last 5+ months.   D has six months and is due to have her baby while sober in the next couple of weeks.

Sobriety is an incredible positive sum game where we can all do better.  Using is a negative sum game where we throw each other under the bus to get more for ourselves.   It is great to see my friends all making progress.  The milestones are much better for those of us that are sober.  Michelle is now longer listed in the King County Jail Registrar—at least in jail she was sober and safe (further research revealed that she got out today after 19 days and 4 arrests in the last year).

I am grateful for my sobriety, the sobriety of my friends who have struggled and for the joy of living a life with hope.

Living Amends With A Ride From The Airport


My father was a pilot for Pan Am airlines for 33 years.  He would go on trips ranging from several days up to 12 days spent flying 707s around the Pacific Rim.  When he got home, my mother would yell at him to punish me for some minor childhood transgression that happened a week before.  That was a crappy welcome home for all of us.  I learned to dread his return, my was completely invested in her self-righteous indignation and my father must have dreaded coming home.  If I, or any of us, knew then even a small fraction of what I know now, it would have been a much more pleasant place for all of us to live. 

I have two friends that fly into SeaTac airport every couple of months.  I pick them up at the terminal and give them a ride home.  As Leslee says, “it makes for a soft landing”.  Today I realized that I could use this soft landing as a way of making a living amends to myself and my deceased father.

TM and I picked up Greg at SeaTac tonight then went to his favorite gyro place, the Gyrocery, in the U-District and had a delicious Middle Eastern lamb combo plate.  When I dropped him off at his parent’s place in Issaquah, I told him “welcome home”.  It felt good.

I am grateful for ways to right the wrongs of the past.  These living amends will never change the past, they can make my life and the lives of others much more kind and pleasant. 



Lamaze Class

Gave Lea and D a ride to the big new Swedish hospital on the Issaquah plateau for the first of two Lamaze classes that last 4 hours each.   It was good for both of them.  D got support and had a partner.  Lea got out of herself and was reaching out to help someone else.  In this case, it was easy for Lea because she has some crazy mad love for babies.  They had a good time. 

It was a warm night.  I went for a bit of Costco shopping and dinner then made a short trip to Lake Sammamish State Park.  I talked with Greg and then read a Philip Marlowe book while waiting.

Tomorrow night I will pick Greg up from the airport.  Presumably TM and Jon will join us.  It is a nice piece of service work with people that I have not spent much time with.


I am grateful to be able to help others and to help others (Lea) help a young newly sober single mom-to-be.

Talking About Gratitude

A List of Blessings
One exercise that I practice is to try for a full inventory of my blessings...  As Bill Sees It, p. 37

What did I have to be grateful for? I shut myself up and started listing the blessings for which I was in no way responsible, beginning with having been born of sound mind and body. I went through seventy-four years of living right up to the present moment. The list ran to two pages, and took two hours to compile; I included health, family, money, A.A. – the whole gamut.

Every day in my prayers, I ask God to help me remember my list, and to be grateful for it throughout the day. When I remember my gratitude list, it's very hard to conclude that God is picking on me.

This was the topic for our meeting this morning.  We all had a lot to be grateful for.  Two members without even a day of sobriety were grateful for the AA program and for having a place to go such as the Alano Club.  Sanity is being restored to our lives—sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly.  It will always return if we work for it.

I have learned a lot about gratitude in the last five years.   I have both book knowledge from reading experts such as Robert Emmons and from writing this Gratitude blog.   My life is miraculously better than how it used to be.

I am grateful for my sobriety, my vastly improved relationships with others and for my knowledge and feelings of gratitude.



Dinner with Carol

Carol took me out for a birthday dinner tonight.  We went to a The Grill at Ipanema which is a Brazilian steakhouse at 1st & Bell in Seattle.  The value ratio was okay for a $$$ steakhouse.  Not worth the price of parking to Seattle to go back.   

The conversation with Carol was very pleasant and enjoyable.  We have been active friends for over a dozen years.  That is one of the longest relationships in my life.  She and her bf are living in her condo and doing well.  She had struggled financially for years.  Now they are making some upgrades to her condo such as wood flooring and new tile.  I am glad they are doing well.

I am grateful for nice relationships with healthy functional people.  That is not something I much of in my life before sobriety.


Seattle Gets a Female Police Chief

The Seattle Police department had been mandated by the US Dept of Justice to change their ways so they stop shooting so many brown people under the flimsiest of pretexts.  To usher in that change, the SPD got a new chief today, Kathleen O’Toole.  Ms O’Tooole has an incredibly impressive resume of local and international law experience.  Seattle Times bio here.

I am grateful that is becoming less acceptable for the guardians of the rich to go around shooting poor people of color.  The 1% have already taken their wages, they can at least spare their lives.

Speaking Up For Myself

After last Friday’s bizarre problem with my parking in handicapped parking spot at the Alano Club, I took two days to talk with others and craft an email to the manager.  I was able to advocate for myself without anger, self-pity or personal attacks in a way that left me feeling okay with my side of the street.


I am grateful for the my somewhat newfound ability to honestly share my concerns with others, wait for the heat of the moment to go away and express my dismay, concerns and fears in a healthy way in general.

A Few Things I Am Grateful For

Having a bit of writer’s block with a Gratitude blog topic to write about tonight.  There are many people and things in my life that I am grateful for none of which I feel like writing much about right now.  Instead I will do a short list of some people and things that I am grateful for.

Greg
Lea
Karen
Charlie
Leslee
Toni
Mike M

Alano Club—especially being so close to it
Amazon.com
US Bank
My US Bank credit card
Government backed pension
My car
Washer/dryer
Complete kitchen with lots of food
My apartment
 Being able to help others

Getting help from others

Discretion is the Better Part of Valor

We were 15 minutes late for our one-hour meeting this morning due to having to go back home to get some forgotten items.  After having been there for a few minutes, I was shown a note by the meeting secretary written by the kitchen counter-person asking me to move my car from the handicapped parking spot by the wheelchair accessible door.  I declined to move my car for unknown reasons to some other location in a almost empty parking lot.

The woman working at the counter was a regular staff person, but did not work mornings in my experience.  Apparently she was haranguing others smoking outside the meeting hall about how she was going to call a tow truck to have my car moved.  Lea came in from outside expressing her perception of the woman in terms of “what a f******g b***h”.  The woman’s son turned on in Lea in the meeting forcing the meeting secretary to have to ask him to sit down and be quiet.

The topic was on resentments.  After the next person got done sharing, I shared that it was clear my car was causing a resentment and I was getting one from the drama being created by the woman over how a guy in a wheelchair parked his car in a handicapped parking spot.  By the time I got out to my car, the woman had left a note under my wipers in the middle of my windshield where I could not reach it.

The woman came out, introduced herself and tried to explain why there was a problem with how I was parked—even though it was the same way I parked 5 days a week for the last 14 months.   I remained cordial and polite explaining why I don’t park in the gravel parking lot, how my car was parked in a way that was least likely to block through traffic while allowing me to stay on the concrete surface to and from the meeting room.

Unable to comprehend her reasons for making such an issue of my parking caused me to have concerns for her rationality and I did not want to engage in her drama resulting in my getting a time-out from the Alano club of which I am a dues paying member, we left.

I have mildly obsessed on this issue over the last 15 hours.  At this point my plan is to contact the Alano club manager, the local District 34 Accessibility committee chair (my friend Toni) and the District 34 DCM who is also on the board of the Alano club.  Getting the woman fired might be overkill.  Risk analysis tells me that my being able to attend meetings without hassle by staff is far more important to me than her job.  I also need to learn what is an appropriate response. First I will talk with Toni tomorrow and go from there.

I am grateful that I did not escalate a weird situation into a bad situation and had the discretion to not participate in a drama that only had degrees of losing.


St. Francis House in Seattle

Drove Lea and D to St. Francis House in Seattle this morning.  D came away with five large plastic bags filled with blankets, clothes and more.  She was overjoyed with our help and what she got.  While waiting for them to get , I called Greg’s friend TM who lives in the neighborhood arranging for her to join us for lunch.

TM lives two blocks from St. Francis in Seattle’s Central District.  She did not know that they helped those in need with free clothes, food and more.  TM has 7 months of sobriety.   She is looking to move from transitional housing to a more standard room rental arrangement in real soon now.

Lea, TM and D have a history of heroin addiction.  TM has 7 months clean, D has half that and Lea has 10 weeks.  It is insanely cost effective for our society to help them stay sober instead of being trapped in a life of active addiction, crime and poor health.  It would be great if there were more resources to help them help themselves. 

Maybe there are plenty of resources available.  Unfortunately resources that are available are hard to access with their ability to readily access them.  Part of the problem is the stigma of, especially heroin, addiction.  Their self-esteem levels preclude them from being able to assertively advocate for themselves.  They have been marginalized beyond belief by the war on drugs becoming the modern equivalent of WWII’s displaced persons that will never again be able to even vote due to felony convictions for drug possession.

It was nice to be able to help them and take them to lunch.  Addiction is a disease of isolation.  Lea helping D is like watching flowers bloom.  They are both coming out of their shells to bond with another person.

I am grateful for the resources I have and for being able to help others make friends and access social service resources.  Helping others gets me out of myself and my apartment in a way that makes life better for all of us.

A Warm and Supportive Moment

Sitting in the sun at the Alano club after the meeting this morning, I had a blissful sense of a warm and loving moment.  Three members were animatedly discussing their Christian spirituality while next to them Lea was caressing D’s very pregnant belly encouraging her to go to Lamaze classes and volunteering to go with her.

I did not have anything to add to either conversation and so said nothing while enjoying the bliss of the moment.  Another member with a dozen years of sobriety paced between the conversations eventually addressing me about some minor topic.  I distractedly replied back to him continuing to enjoy the loving support and interaction of the fellowship in the warm morning sunshine.


I am grateful to have a warm kind loving place to go each day to help me develop better relationships with others.  I will likely be giving Lea and D a ride to Lamaze classes in the near future.  That will be more new positive behavior!

Continental Tires

I have used the same 26x1 inch “Continental” tubular (no innertube) tires on my wheelchair for the last 25 years.  A year or two ago, they changed how the attached the valve stem to the tires and now they go flat as soon as I put them on the wheels for my wheelchair about 2 out of 3 times I replace them.  That sucks.  I love those tires.  There is no other product in my life I have used that long on a consistent basis.

Medical products vendors suck for customer service.  They are the worst shopping experience I know of.  Imagine used-car salesman being paid by insurance companies. I used to have 3 choices for local vendors.  Now I have one vendor in two locations.   They used to be a mile away.  Now they are at least a half-hour drive in good traffic.  It is more work to get worse service.

I have taken to ordering online from SportAid in Atlanta because my local venders have consolidated into an even crappier version of support.  Price is not the issue—I have good insurance that covers 100% of the cost.  I simply can’t get what I want from my local vendor in less than an dozen phone calls over a timeline that stretches for months to get something as obvious as wheels for a wheelchair.  NuMotion sucks!

I am grateful for alternatives such as SportAid and Gregg’s Greenlake bicycle shop.  One phone call or one visit will get what I am seeking headed my way.  They might not have said items in stock, but they will get it in a timely manner.


While being paralyzed sucks, I am blessed and grateful to have money from industrial insurance and to live in one of the best locations in the world to treat physical medicine ailments.  The UW Medical Center rehab department is rated tops in the country making it a de facto worldclass medical facility to treat for my issues.  The UWMC is the primary reason I live so close to Seattle.

Experience – Knowledge – Wisdom – Virtue

Like all of us, I had many experiences in my life.  I diverged from most others by not being able to put that experience to good use creating knowledge of what did and did not help me get what I wanted in a socially, mentally and physically healthy way.  In recovery, I have made tremendous progress turning my experiences into knowledge by hearing the wisdom of others who learned better after having similar experiences.

Today the challenge in my life is living with virtue—the action of doing what I know to be the right thing.  There are many simple nuances that still escape me.  Reducing my choices to their essential simplicity helps me do a better job of taking right action.  Choices like “should I smoke crack or go to a meeting” eliminate a lot of ambiguity in my Pisces mind that likes to complicate everything with my own best thinking.

While my thinking and actions are far from perfect and maybe not even all that close to very good, it is a lot better today than how it used to be.  Nurturing myself with self-compassion helps me to focus on the positive while reducing obsessive thinking on the negative thoughts that reduce the quality of my life.  Self-compassion also helps me relate to and have compassion for others.  I watch others making choices and taking actions that are well below sub-optimal ranging from poor to bad to horrible to catastrophic and know but there for the grace of god, go I.

I have long believed that people always make the best choice they can with the resources they have at the time.  These are all too often horrible choices such as living in active addiction, violence, suicide and so on, but it is the best choice they could make at the time.  Maybe the best thing I can now to help others is to help minimize the impact of poor choices.  A few self-destructive moments, comments and actions no longer have to be a potential death sentence with the Russian roulette of relapse.

I am grateful for the virtue in my right actions today and for the compassion I have for myself and others.  I thank god for my spirituality, friends and others that help me live a much more virtuous life today with much more right action and less obsessive negative thinking and self-destructive actions.

Working With Others

“PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics!”  Alcoholics Anonymous page 89

It is said that nobody is too dumb for the AA program but there are some that are too smart for the program.  My being too clever by half misinterpreted the quote above to mean that if I did a bunch of AA service work (volunteering) at meetings and at my computer that I would stay sober while not having to actually interact closely with others.  I did not stay sober.

I have stayed away from service committee volunteering for the last 2+ years.  For 8 months, it was because I was in relapse mode. Then it was because I knew that I needed to not be isolating at home behind my keyboard while deluding myself that what I was doing constituted intensive work with other alcoholics.

I am a lot better at working with others than ever before.  There is still a huge need for me to improve my ability to do intensive work with other alcoholics.  Progress not perfection.


I am grateful for the progress I have made in more closely work with other alcoholics.  Sharing with them helps me stay sober.

A Baby Shower for D

D is have her baby in a month.  She “organized” a baby shower by posting it on her Facebook page and inviting her sister.  With only a couple months in recovery she has not had enough time to make sober friends and drug addicts are notoriously bad at gift giving.  We took her to Walmart for a small shopping spree.  I mentioned it to a lady at the meeting this morning who promptly contributed $40.  The money helped a little.  Having a woman with good sobriety validate our intentions and efforts with real cash helped a lot.

D had a great time shopping and was immensely grateful.  I discussed being happy with low expectations while enjoying the moment.  Lea had a hard time with staying focused on supporting D.  There is a line in the big book that describes that thinking and behavior  perfectly “Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

I hope D had a wonderful party.  It was nice to be able to emotional and financial support a young woman trying to make a better life for herself.  Participating in a baby shower in any way was new behavior for me that definitely stretched my comfort zone a little.

Lea modeled a small chunk of self-destructive behavior after having many good days in a row.  It was annoying, sad, scary, and much like watching myself in days gone by.  Have a good time in intimate relations with others and then be a jackass to blow up the memory of the good time.  When discussing a part of her undesirable behavior later, she defended it with two mutually exclusive explanations of what she was doing while claiming both to be true.  I let her know that I was dismayed by her behavior.  There was some conflict, but we mostly got to disagree without being disagreeable.  That is a lot better than either passive-aggressive attacks fronting some other unrelated issue as a cover from my anger or her doing some door-slamming.

I went to a speaker meeting with Jon discussing the situation on the way home getting some relief by talking about my feelings with another person.  Talking about my feelings with a man I don’t know that well is a positive new behavior for me.  It felt good to let go of some negativity and obsessive thinking.    

This sounds like a tempest in a teapot.  Probably so.  The danger is that it might be a small spark in a big can of gas and blow-up on us in a flaming relapse.  I am working on avoiding those sparks in my life.  Risk analysis for an alcoholic/addict has to be heavily skewed towards avoiding the bad by seeking the good. 

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.”  AA big book page 66.

I am grateful to be of service to others today, for the progress I have made in expressing my feelings and for being much better at handling conflict with others.  Honest discussion is a lot better than passive-aggressive attacks and using.


Watching The Lights Come On In Their Eyes

One the best things about spending time with people new in early recovery from alcoholism is watching “the lights come on” in their eyes.  When they come to a meeting on day one of not drinking or using they are typically hungover, going through withdrawals, have hit a crushing low point in their lives (aka bottom) and scared witless.  For those that work the program, life always gets better—sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. 

Those that jump in with both feet by not using/drinking, going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps and being of service to others get the best results just like in working out at the gym or doing homework for school. 

There is a young woman who is 8 months pregnant that has been coming to our morning meeting for the last few months.  D is pretty quiet.  She talked about having a baby shower tomorrow.  Lea is baby crazy, cute babies make her all gooey.  We took D to a craft store today to pick out some yarn so that Lea can crochet her a baby blanket.   Then we went out to lunch.  On the ride home, she told us about living with her mother and brother. Sounds like they could use meetings and are not going.  It was sad, tough and scary.  It sounded like our time together was maybe the funnest thing she had done so far in recovery.

Tomorrow we will meet her in Bellevue and go to a Saturday morning meeting.  Then we will help her run some errands before her baby shower that she is putting on.  That is as close as I have ever come to going to a baby shower.  It will definitely be a new experience for all three of us.

I am grateful to have a clean and sober place to live.  Lea and I both enjoyed sharing a fun day with a young woman that has a lot on her plate with limited resources.  It was impressive to see how well she is doing with the resources available to her.  She is making full use of community resources and doing really well.  It was wonderful to watch the lights come on in her eyes today.


Electronic Devices

While I am far from a gadget freak, I love the modern electronic devices that I do have.

I have two PCs that I use every day.  One PC is in my front room by the picture window that I use for standard PC fare including email, writing documents and web surfing.  The other PC is my Home Theater PC (HTPC) that I use for watching videos and reading RSS news feeds.  They both have large flat panel monitors. One monitor is actually a large LCD TV that is used as a monitor more than 99% of the time.

I use the TV remote to turn the HTPC monitor on and off.  A trackball takes care of the mouse-work.  A TV without a remote is the functional equivalent of broken for me.

My DSL modem and cordless phones are staples of daily use in my life.  I could get by without the cordless phones.  It would be a different life to live without high-speed internet access and certainly much less rich in information about the world around me.

I had my teeth cleaned at the UW dental school today by a dental student.  He tried to get my blood pressure using a battery operated blood cuff from the 20th century.  That never even got a reading—much less an accurate one.  He then used a portable wrist-cuff like a giant watch from 10 years ago.  It provided 5 different blood pressure readings on 5 tries ranging from 145 to 225.  After that, I went to my family doctor where I got an accurate reading of 120/90.  I choose to go with the latter reading as being accurate since the former would have meant I was in the middle of a stroke.

A microwave oven is near the top of the list that is by far and away my most used cooking appliance.  There is nothing like it when it comes to instant gratification with refrigerated leftovers or frozen food.

I have a smart phone, cheap digital watch and digital clocks.  The cell phone is darned handy.   With 3G speed, it is not the device of choice for web access and is only used in a short pinch.  I could easily get by with mechanical watch and clocks.

I have had a digital camera for years.  I wish I was a more avid photographer (just for the sake of having a hobby if nothing else).  It is handy when I use take pictures.  I don’t really care if I have lots of pictures, I do wish I had more hobbies that I enjoyed and participated in regularly.

I was thinking that was about it for my e-devices.  Further reflection shows I have a printer, Sonicare toothbrush and electric shaver.  Even my 18 year old car has some sort of chip(s) in it.


I am grateful for the vastly increased quality of life I get from all these devices.  They improve my health, literacy and help me stay in touch with others.  At 2 AM, I replied to a friend’s email to arrange to meet on Sunday.  I could not do that with an analog landline without her thinking I was high!

Happy Hour

Wednesday was a perfect gorgeous 70° day in Seattle.  My friend Toni invited me to join her for snacks and conversation at a restaurant with outside dining.  She is one of the smartest and most accomplished people I know with a smile that lights up the world around her with a radiant glow.

Toni has been a very good friend to me and I am grateful for our relationship.

Web Literacy

Yesterday and today, two people explained how to access arcane hard-to-find information with out of print books and a rare catalog.  Google pulled up one of these rare factoids on the first 20 hits with a 3-word search string when I checked—much like I expected.

I have a 3G Android smart phone that is too small and slow for my web usage for anything more than occasional use while away from home.  I got it 18 months ago.  I feel like a bit of a Luddite for not stepping up to 4G.  I am holding off for a phone/tablet (phablet) with a giant phone screen and a 4G connection with an unlimited rate plan below $50/month.

I have more than a few idiosyncratic spending habits.  Two examples of this are spending $50/month for a less fortunate person’s DSL for the last 4 years while I won’t spend $70 for 4G mobile access for myself. nor will I pay Comcast $70/month for basic cable.  I envy South Korea for their 10x faster web access at 1/5th the cost of US corporate gouging rates and service.  I digress.

Back to web literacy, I am grateful for my knowledge of how to use the web and for the web itself.  The Chinese web commerce company (“online-shopping behemoth” per the Wall Street Journal) Alibaba is predicted to have (one of) the largest stock market IPO’s in history real soon now.  The web is changing the world for the better.

My King Size Bed

I have a dozen pillows on my king size bed to prop my shoulders and legs in comfortable (least painful) positions for sleeping.  My former girlfriend Joy bought this bed for me a dozen years ago.  It works really well for in terms of appropriate mattress firmness and for having lots of room to place my pillows on while in use on or piled on the side.

The bed is in a corner of my bedroom.  When I have to make it myself, I slide the mattress across my knees to reach the far corner.  It is lot easier to do with able-bodied assistance to tuck in the sheets in that corner.  The mattress is awkward and heavy, but still just barely light enough for me move it if I have to.


I am grateful to have a large enough bedroom to hold my king size bed with two dressers, two nightstands and to be able get around two sides of the bed in my wheelchair.  I love my bed.  It is much more comfortable place for me to be than sitting in my wheelchair all day (there is a downside to that pain-driven sloth that I fight on a daily basis).

A Secret Admirer

When reading Archie comic books as a kid, there were ads for being pen-pals with other kids around the US and the world.  I longed to have a pen-pal but never wrote for fear of not knowing what to write and for being disparaged and belittled by my family.

A decade ago I did do a pen-pal thing (corrections correspondence) via Alanon with a few inmates in other states.  My experience was less than stellar due to percieved predatory behavior by the inmates I was corresponding with.   It seemed they were more interested in getting me to do things for them than working an Alanon program.   I did not mind buying them an Alanon book, contacting others on their behalf was beyond the pale.  That was not for me.

I began blogging about gratitude 8ish years ago in fits and starts as a way to focus on feeling and expressing more gratitude in my life.  The writing has hugely successful in helping me get from a state of life-long chronic depression to reasonably happy and very serene today.  A wonderful secondary effect has been to both keep my sister Karen in Australia updated on what is going on in my life and to know that I am sober—it is impossible for me to write about gratitude while I am using.  If I am writing, I am clean and sober.

Now I have a secret admirer leaving positive comments on my posts.  That is pretty cool!    It is nice to get support and positive feedback from a “normie”.  I get lots of positive strokes from my friends in recovery that I have known for years.


I am grateful to be able to get and give healthy positive support to others in my life.  That is a lot better than how it used to be with my fears creating a huge sarcastic barrier to keep “them” at a distance at all costs.

Corporate Kleptocracy

Our mother suffers greatly from dementia and has some money.   She is being played by her broker Robert Zorich at Morgan Stanley and his legal referral of choice, Ladd Leavens.  My sister and I don’t have the money or resources to stop their maladministration of our mother’s estate.  All her life, my sister has been a powerful advocate for the disenfranchised.  The following is her rebuttal letter to Leslie Berg at the Washington State Bar Association proving Ladd Leavens is managing our mother’s money after Ladd’s denial of culpability.


I am grateful for my sister’s powerful advocacy skills.  My life would not be going as well as it is without her intervention 15 years ago getting me into a rehab facility.  More nearly, I would already have died without her help.


4 May 2014

Ms. Berg:

I have read Ladd Leavens’ Declaration and wish to respond.

It is true that I have no proof of client referrals. However, Beverly Xyz was referred to Davis Wright Tremaine by Robert Zorich, the stockbroker at Morgan Stanley. It is reasonable to assume that my mother was not the first referral to Davis Wright Tremaine by Morgan Stanley, nor the last. My understanding is that lawyers need new clients,

Mr Leavens has not charged Beverly Xyz for his time since the settlement of the guardian petition matter that Kevin Xyz, my brother, filed. Why would Mr Leavens do that? Beverly Xyz is far from improverished. I reckon Mr Leavens is doing that to keep Beverly Xyz’ investment account with Morgan Stanley as payback for the client referral. Beverly told me that she paid about $28 thousand dollars to Davis Wright Tremaine for representation on the guardianship matter.

Mr Leavens has made several false statements in his affidavit. I think that matter of whether client referrals exist can be settled by your obtaining a report from Davis Wright Tremaine. I would expect the law firm records the client source in the client record of its time billing software.  It would be a simple matter for the manager of the time billing application to provide you with a summary report on Davis Wright Tremaine clients (just the count, not the names) referred by Morgan Stanley. 

Beverly Xyz has advanced dementia. If necessary, I can provide two written reports from psychiatrists who examined and diagnosed her.  The concern by my brother and myself is that Beverly not be taken advantage of financially or otherwise. She refuses to acknowledge that she has dementia.

Robert Zorich at Morgan Stanley has been churning Beverly’s investment account for years, which generates commissions for Mr Zorich and Morgan Stanley. Additionally his investments have either lost money for Beverly, or caused her to have a return significantly below market rate. As I wrote in my complaint, Beverly would have had $165 thousand dollars more in 2013 had her money been invested in a no-load S&P 500 index fund, rather than Mr Zorich’s buy and selling shares.

It is not merely my opinion about Mr Zorich’ activities. My brother engage a financial expert witness as part of the guardianship petition who came to the same conclusion after reviewing several years’ statements.

Ladd Leavens’ statement in paragraph 5 that it was difficult to find anyone who was willing to assume the role of watching over Beverly’s affairs is false. Kevin Xyz’ attorney had communicated with a guardianship service, I think Guardianship Service of Seattle, and it was willing to fill that role.

Ladd Leavens statement that he did not agree to take over Beverly’s financial affairs is false. Mr Leavens took over. As evidence, I am attaching several email chains between myself and  Mr Leavens.

In 2013, a Sunrise employee (Sunrise is the facility where Beverly lives) forged a signature on Beverly’s checking account, and stole $1500. Below are paragraphs written by Mr Leavens.

“I am aware of the forged check by the Sunrise employee. The employee has been fired. We have made a claim to Bank of America for reimbursement of a forged check. As a consequence of the forgery, Bank of America has closed Beverly's account, and we opened a new one.  I am on the account as her attorney-in-fact. (Not as an owner). I spent the day with Beverly Wednesday, accomplishing this.  We also moved $65,000 from the old checking account into two certificates of deposit.  I am in the process of resuming the $4000 per month transfers from Morgan Stanley.  I also need to change the automatic deposits of pension and Social Security Payments to her new account.

As to taking over paying her bills, that will be a slower process. I think the best I will be able to do for the time being is monitor closely.  I should have Internet access to her account shortly. That will make things easier. I think that for the time being that will be sufficient.  She is pretty good about getting her bills paid. “ 

It is clear that Mr Leavens is managing Beverly’s financial affairs. He took Beverly to the bank. The pronoun “we” paints a false picture. Beverly is cognitively impaired to the point of being unable to make logical decisions (what psychiatrists term lack of executive functioning). Again, the psychiatrists reports are available is this point is in dispute.

Beverly stayed with me for three weeks in August 2013. I was surprised at the extent of her impairment.  One incident is illustrative. She stayed a week longer than originally planned and thus needed to change the date of her flight. I sat with her, rang United Airlines, and put the agent on speakerphone. My mother, an extremely experienced traveler (my father was a Pan Am pilot so my mother flew frequently as it was free) but was unable to convey to the agent the change required. I explained, and then the agent requested a credit card for payment of the fee. My mother replied that she did not have a credit card. I told Beverly that indeed she did, that was what she used to pay for the plane ticket. So Beverly took out her wallet and looked through a bundle of cards. She then pulled out a company loyalty card and asked if that would do. I said no. Beverly handed me the bundle of cards. I located her VISA card and provided the information to the very patient agent.  That Beverly would forget that she had a credit card, and then confuse a loyalty card for a credit card is telling. 

Ladd Leavens has vied with me over Beverly’s financial affairs, and established that he is the decider. When two months had elapsed without reimbursement of the forged check by Bank of America, I communicated with Sunrise corporate management. It is my opinion as the party who hired and supervised the forger, and who gave her the key to Beverly’s apartment, that Sunrise was responsible and should pay. The administrator agreed to reimburse Beverly. Then the administrator emailed me, stating that Ladd Leavens directed them not to reimburse Beverly because he would seek reimbursement from the Bank of America. There is no other way to characterize Mr Leavens’ behavior other than as managing Beverly’s financial affairs.

Beverly does like Robert Zorich at Morgan Stanley. She tells me that Mr Zorich is doing a good job investing for her. Her reasons? First, when she rings Morgan Stanley, both Mr Zorich and his assistant tell her that the stock market and her account are doing well. Secondly, she receives $4000 a month from Morgan Stanley. I have explained to Beverly multiple times that the $4000 is merely a transfer of her funds from her account at Morgan Stanley to her checking account at Bank of America but Beverly continues to view it as a return on her investment.

Another incident was in November 2013. Beverly wrote checks to pay her bills but forgot to do so. Her telephone was then disconnected. Beverly was unable to arrange to have her telephone bill paid and telephone reconnected without assistance from a staff member at Sunrise. Beverly also bounced checks, and continues to do so.

I have repeatedly attempted to persuade Mr Leavens to have Beverly’s investment managed by an independent financial advisor. Mr Leavens refused. In his 20 June 2012 email, he wrote “I think it would be a mistake not to keep Mr. Zorich involved in her investing. I certainly do not perceive that he is biased”.

Beverly needs someone to look after her financial affairs with the objective of Beverly’s best interest.  She is not capable of articulating an investment goal. Even so, the churning of her account to generate commissions meets no prudent person’s goal except for Mr Zorich and Morgan Stanley.

Since Ladd Leavens refused to have an independent advisor manage Beverly’s accounts, I then recommended it be invested in a no-load S&P 500 index fund. Mr Leavens did not reply to my suggestion. It would mean a loss of over $13 thousand dollars in annual commissions for Mr Zorich and Morgan Stanley but Beverly would be far better off financially.

Ladd Leavens states that the no-load S&P 500 index fund would be “foolish and potentially disastrous” in a falling market. Mr Leavens cites no authority for this very strong opinion, nor any qualification of his to make such an assessment. I have a Masters degree in Business Administration with a concentration in Finance from the University of Puget Sound, so I have a solid understanding of investment, although I do not work in that field.

Numerous studies have proven that a fund manager, such as the role Mr Zorich has with respect to Beverly’s investment account, cannot outperform the stock market. This is a fact, whether the stock market trends are negative or positive.

A Random Walk Down Wall Street: The Time-Tested Strategy for Successful Investing(Tenth Edition)  by Burton G. Malkiel states that an investor who invested $10,000 in a SPP 500 Index Fund in 1969 would have a portfolio of $463,000 by 2010 as compared to an investor in the average actively managed fund whose investment would have grown to $258,000. The investor in the S&P500 index fund had a return almost 80 times that of the average actively managed fund investor. The period of 1969 to 2010 includes both bull and bear markets.

The Little Book of Common Sense Investing: The Only Way to Guarantee Your Fair Share of Stock Market Returns by John Bogle, founder of the Vanguard funds recommends stock index funds. “Index funds eliminate the risks of individual stocks, market sectors, and manager selection. Only stock market risk remains.” Mr Bogle also writes “Yes, after the costs of financial intermediation – all those brokerage commissions, portfolio transaction costs, and fund operating expenses; all those investment management fees; all those advertising dollars and all those marketing schemes; and all those legal costs and custodial fees that we pay, day after day and year after year – beating the market is inevitably a game for losers. “

The Elements of Investing: Easy Lessons for Every Investor (December 2012) by Burton G. Malkiel and Charles D. Ellis states “The table on the following page shows that the index fund [S&P500] beats the average active fund by more than a full percentage point per year, year after year.” The table is for 20 years ending 30 June 2012. The total for the 20 year period is 8.34% return for the S&P 500 Index Fund and 7.0% for the average active equity mutual fund, a difference of 1.34%.  Again, bear markets are in that 20 year period.

It is clear that Ladd Leavens’ understanding of stock market investing is incorrect. It is possible that he obtains his information from Robert Zorich. Mr Zorich, as a stockbroker, is incentivized by payment of commissions, not by the return on Beverly’s investment. It is in Mr Zorich’ interest to churn Beverly’s account so that he earns money for himself and Morgan Stanley. Upton Sinclair is known for his quote “It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends on his not understanding it.” Robert Zorich’s salary depends on his not understanding that he cannot outperform the stock market whilst he is churning Beverly’s investment account.

It was my hope, and that of Kevin Xyz, that Ladd Leavens would see the need to prudently manage Beverly’s financial affairs. Mr Leavens has done a poor job of it.  The biggest cost to Beverly Is the $165 thousand dollars in investment return that she has forgone because Mr Leavens insisted that Beverly’s funds continue to be managed by Robert Zorich.

Mr Leavens should be held to account for his actions.




A Big Party

I strongly tend to do things with one person at a time in quiet places.  Tonight TM, Jon and I went to the airport to pickup Greg.  He came home for the weekend after working in Chicago for the last 6 weeks.  I have known TM for years via her relationship with Greg but never really spent much time talking with her.  Jon has been going to our morning meeting several days a week for the last few months.  Greg is good friends with all three of us and has been for years.

Going out for a late dinner with 3 other people is a large social event for me. I had a good time.  It was good to see my friends doing well.

We went across the highway 99 (aka “International Boulevard” in SeaTac) to the 13 Coins restaurant.  We could not get a table in the dining room and so sat in the lounge where a jazz trio was playing loudly.  TM is an expert on skin care and cosmetics.   She gave Jon an in-depth explanation on suggestions for skin care.  Greg responded with discussion on the incredibly poor customer/food service provided.  It was like watching an entertaining old married couple bicker with love.  I was laughing.

Jon and I were nearly done with dinner by the time they served Greg and TM the same order—medium rare cheeseburger with double swiss and double broccoli—wrong.   Some broccoli was cooked and some was raw.  Their buns were soggy.  They made identical orders differently.  It was an appalling display of crappy by a legendary local restaurant.  The coffee was not only stale, but the coffee making system needed to be cleaned with more than just a rinse.  When they informed the guy acting like he was the manager, he just laughed in an embarrassed sort of way like he knew this problem had been going on for awhile and that it would not be dealt with properly.

I have only been to 13 Coins a few times in my life.  I am not a big late night restaurant guy.  The last time I went was when my brother-in-law Frank flew in my Australia to get sworn in as a US citizen.  Sandy and I watched the ceremony and then Frank took us to lunch.  That was a much nicer event during the early afternoon and was a pleasant memory.

The Greg, Jon, TM and I have been going to AA for decades.  I am the short timer having gone to rehab 15 years ago yesterday.  Jon has a year.  Greg had 6 months yesterday.  TM is closing in on 7 months.  I will have 60 days tomorrow.  From a normal perspective, that is a dismal track record of success.  For addicts like us, that is miraculous progress.  Most addicts simply die in active addiction.  All four of us are as happy as we have ever been in our lives.  We have a newfound serenity and peace that we have sought all our lives.  It is good to be sober today.

I am grateful for my sobriety, my friends in recovery, laughter,  and to Greg for buying us dinner.