Healing Heart and Mind

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  12x12, p. 55  [Step 5]

Since it is true that God comes to me through people, I can see that by keeping people at a distance I also keep God at a distance. God is nearer to me than I think and I can experience Him by loving people and allowing people to love me. But I can neither love nor be loved if I allow my secrets to get in the way.

It's the side of myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look at the dark side in order to heal my mind and heart because that is the road to freedom. I must walk into darkness to find the light and walk into fear to find peace.

By revealing my secrets – and thereby ridding myself of guilt – I can actually change my thinking; by altering my thinking, I can change myself. My thoughts create my future. What I will be tomorrow is determined by what I think today.

One of the zillions of cliches in recovery is that “I am only as sick as my secrets”.  Working step 5 gave me specific practice in how to share my pain and secrets with others.  Today my left leg was more swollen than usual from the DVT blood clot I got shortly after being paralyzed 33 years ago.  Fears of hospitals, strokes, dying, amputation and so on ran rampant through my mind today.  I pointed it out to Lea, discussed it at the meeting, went swimming and decided that my appointment with my GP tomorrow would be soon enough to review the issue with a medical professional.   By then I was able to let go of my secrets and have a program of action.   That was good enough for today.

I am grateful to be able to share my secrets with others today.  In the past I had carried these secrets like a bag of sharp rocks that weighed me down and hurt.  Now it is just something that I have to deal with tomorrow.

A New Time to Meet at the Mall

We meet with Charlie, Mike, and Margie at Crossroads Mall every week.  For last year, we have met on Fridays.  Today we met on Tuesday.  We will continue to meet on Tuesdays to attend the farmer’s market there and it will work better for Charlie and Margie.  The market begins in four weeks on 5/27.

Charlie had a dental appointment and Lea felt ill.  Mike, Margie and I talked for almost two hours before going our separate ways.  After leaving and getting a book at the library, I saw they were still talking as I made my way to the door.

The three of us had a nice pleasant animated chat about a variety of topics mostly centered on recovery and being life-long learners. Mike is starting to volunteer at the Bellevue Library.  Margie is taking computer classes and learning Spanish.  I am learning how to stay sober one day at a time and reading something about positive psychology every day.

I am grateful for my weekly meeting at the mall.  It is as close as I come to a large group activity with friends.  I get a lot from their love, support, wisdom and consistent participation.

Two Magnificent Standards

All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.  As Bill Sees It, p. 271

To acknowledge and respect the views, accomplishments and prerogatives of others and to accept being wrong shows me the way of humility. To practice the principles of A.A. in all my affairs guides me to be responsible. Honoring these precepts gives credence to Tradition Four-and to all other Traditions of the Fellowship. Alcoholics Anonymous has evolved a philosophy of life full of valid motivations, rich in highly relevant principles and ethical values, a view of life which can be extended beyond the confines of the alcoholic population. To honor these precepts I need only to pray, and care for my fellow man as if each one were my brother.

Gaining humility has been a huge help in dealing with my fears.  Relapses have led to greatly increased humility which in turn has forced me to overcome fears in order to stay sober. 

Being responsible for my sobriety has caused me to overcome my self-pity for being such a victim by taking ownership of my life, my choices and my consequences.

I am grateful to have the humility and responsibility to stay sober and happy today.  That is a lot better than how it used to be.

Warmer Weather

It is finally going to crack 70° this week.  In a sudden burst of heat, it also might break 80° on Thursday.  Bright warm sunny days make it a lot more inviting to get up and start my day.

I am grateful for warm sunny days.  Today was gorgeous.

Joyful Discoveries

We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.  Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.

Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joys found in being able to live another day in God's grace.

I am grateful for the joyful discoveries in my today.

Peace and Serenity

Growing up, my parents single-mindedly promoted what you did for work was who you were.    By the time I was a teenager my mother was martyr saying “she could never be happy” and “there is no god”.  My father had a career as a pilot that he loved along having a semi-working farm.  They did not talk about the importance of relationships with others.

No matter what, there was never enough.  I pinned an opponent in the 3^rd round in a high school wrestling match, dad told me I should have done it faster.  He got $300,000 from King County to not develop the farm into 10-acre lots and got his picture on the front page of the local paper complaining it was not enough money—$300,000 (in the 1980’s)for doing exactly nothing!

Not enough is a huge problem in our society.  A friend works at the ICU of a new Swedish hospital in Issaquah.  Last week of the 15 beds in the ICU, 12 people were in there for having almost successful suicide attempts that left them in critical condition.  That is affluenza at its worst.

Naturally I have a strong compulsion as an addict to always want more…of everything.  That is the nature of the disease.  Today I have a lot of peace and serenity in my life by being okay with what I do have and not obsessing on wanting more.  There are a lot of things I “should be” such as thinner, fitter, more engaged with others, working, volunteering, etc.  If I get stuck focusing on that, I will never be happy.

I am grateful for my peace and serenity today.  Life is far from perfect.  It is certainly good enough to okay and happy with who I am and what I have today.

Much Less Sarcasm and More Amends

Much of my communication with others was hiding behind sarcasm as humor.  I still do it, but not nearly as much as I used to.  Today I used some sarcasm as humor at a meeting and was able to immediately make amends to the group and to those it was directed towards.  That is tremendous progress towards improving my communication and relationship with myself and with others.

I now have the empathy to know how much sarcasm can hurt others, don’t like how it makes me feel—at best it is like a warm glowing icky— and pushes others away from as if saying “talk to the hand”.  Instead of feeling guilt and shame for how badly I used to behave I can have self-compassion for doing the best I could with the tools that I had.

I am grateful for the courage to overcome my hiding behind sarcasm, the overwhelming desire for better relationships as motivation to change my behavior and the love of my friends to allow me to make mistakes and still love me.

Gardening

The deck on my apartment is reasonably large as these things go.  It is about 6 x 14 western exposure with good afternoon sun.  Lea did a bunch of gardening last summer.  After everything died in the winter, she has lost her enthusiasm.  With seeds needing to be planted, a plethora of pots and soil, I spent a couple hours gardening on the deck this afternoon.  I have not done that much gardening in 20 years.  It was a pleasant way to spend the afternoon.  The seeds are planted, the deck is cleaner and arranged so that I can more easily get around in my wheelchair.

For years I balked on gardening because it was “too hard”.  In all reality that was a lot more about my overcoming my fears of not doing it well enough and overcoming the inertia of having to try something new.  A few of the pots are too big for me to lift with one hand.  I can move them around by tilt/rolling them or by pushing on them with my wheelchair.

I am grateful for an enjoyable gardening experience.  I love working with earth, plants and mother nature.

So Many Resources

I have access to a mind boggling number of resources in my life including online shopping, health services, car repair, community resources and support from friends. 

40 years ago, my father was a Pan Am pilot that flew around the Pacific Ocean.  He was a wealthy man and could afford property that I will never own.  Nonetheless, I have access to online resources he never dreamed of.  As a child, my grandmother came west from Kansas to Washington State in a covered wagon.  The world has changed

Today I watched YouTube videos on cat health care, researched Mrs. Malapropism, got stuff from Amazon and took Lea to the grocery store for the energy bars that she loves.

I am grateful for the many resources in my life today.  Right now I am trying to fix the laser pointer that I use to play with my cats.  If a new battery does not work, Amazon will solve the problem. 

PS:  Got distracted while writing this, bought two new pairs of the same black pants I have worn for years.  :-)

A Blog Ahead

Checking my posting math for April, I learned that I am a blog post ahead of my one-a-day schedule.  That is presumably due to diligent posting and a red flag for those bound to become more frequent senior moments.

I don’t have a burning topic to write about today.  There are many important things in my life to be grateful for today.  Approaching 8 weeks of sobriety is high on that list. 

My spiritual connection with my higher power is better than it has ever been.  I used to get stuck on minor irriations and dwell on them with a sort of resonance that would amplify them far beyond any kind of healthy reflection into a reason to be annoyed and then carry that mindset throughout my day and life.  Lately I have been blessed to recognize the initiation those obsessions and turn it over to my HP trusting that it will be okay and focus on the next, much more positive, indicated thing.

I am grateful for the many good things in my life that have led me to be a much happier and less fearful person with greater interest in my fellow man.

Help Others

Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us now.  Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have-- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.   Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 124

I went to Meydenbauer Park for an hour before the meeting tonight.  After a few minutes of enjoying the sunshine and scenery, I started talking with a guy about regional coastal park experiences. 

We somehow got to discussing our experiences with others using and then to admitting our own stories.  He uses antibuse and methadone to stay sober.  I talked about my addiction and how AA was helping me.  When it was time to go, I offered him a ride to NE 8^th to catch a bus to the shelter he is staying at.   The meeting was only a half-block away and so he asked to come along with me.  He came to the meeting, got a cookie and a cup of coffee before he had to go catch his bus.

Hopefully he will attend the mid-morning meetings at the Alano Club.  He seemed interested and was certainly a candidate for membership.   It was good to be able to help someone to their first meeting in forever.

I am grateful that going to meetings is a vital part of my daily routine.  It sure beats living all the alternatives I could come up with my own best thinking.

Happy Easter!

It is bright and early on Easter Sunday.  I have a hard time with the literal story of Jesus dying and coming back to life 3 days later.  Today I am more in sync than ever with the metaphorical concept of being reborn to a new life.  After getting paralyzed at 22 sometimes I would think of it as being reborn with a birth defect.  Now it is as if I have been reborn again to a life of sobriety, love and happiness.

I am grateful for the story of being reborn to a better life.  Life in active addiction was hellish.  Life in sobriety is a lot happier way to live.  Happy Easter!

Getting Warmer

Struggling for a topic, I realized the 10-day weather forecast shows the daily average high temperature had reached 61° for the April 29^th.  A modest bit of research via Google and weather.com shows that the average high temperature for Seattle hit 60° on 4/17 and will be 61° on 4/23.  That is a big change for a place with only a 17° difference between the average high and low.  A few more mouse-clicks shows that the average high temp gets up to 76° for 15 days during late July and early August.  The average high of 46° for December-January lasts for 31 days.  No wonder winters seem so long and gray here.  They are.

I am grateful for warmer temperatures that don’t get too hot.   It is wonderful to be surrounded by lush greenery with plenty of clean fresh water.  That is a lot better than being a years-long drought stretching from Oregon to Oklahoma.

Step Four "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"

    From AA’s 12 Steps and 12 Traditions:

CREATION gave us instincts for a purpose. Without them we wouldn't be complete human beings. If men and women didn't exert themselves to be secure in their persons, made no effort to harvest food or construct shelter, there would be no survival. If they didn't reproduce, the earth wouldn't be populated. If there were no social instinct, if men cared nothing for the society of one another, there would be no society. So these desires-for the sex relation, for material and emotional security, and for companionship-are perfectly necessary and right, and surely God-given. Yet these instincts, so necessary for our existence, often far exceed their proper functions. Powerfully, blindly, many times subtly, they drive us, dominate us, and insist upon ruling our lives. Our desires for sex, for material and emotional security, and for an important place in society often tyrannize us. When thus out of joint, man's natural desires cause him great trouble, practically all the trouble there is. No human being, however good, is exempt from these troubles. Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct. When that happens, our great natural assets, the instincts, have turned into physical and mental liabilities.

Step Four is our vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what these liabilities in each of us have been, and are.We want to find exactly how, when and where our natural desires have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for us. Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have found that the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach.

Before tackling the inventory problem in detail, let's have a closer look at what the basic problem is. Simple examples like the following take on a world of meaning when we think about them. Suppose a person places sex desire ahead of everything else. In such a case, this imperious urge can destroy his chances for material and emotional security as well as his standing in the community. Another may develop such an obsession for financial security that he wants to do nothing but hoard money. Going to the extreme, he can become a miser, or even a recluse who denies himself both family and friends.

Nor is the quest for security always expressed in terms of money. How frequently we see a frightened human being determined to depend completely upon a stronger person for guidance and protection. This weak one, failing to meet life's responsibilities with his own resources, never grows up. Disillusionment and helplessness are his lot. In time all his protectors either flee or die, and he is once more left alone and afraid.

We have also seen men and women who go power-mad, who devote themselves to attempting to rule their fellows. These people often throw to the winds every chance for legitimate security and a happy family life. Whenever a human being becomes a battleground for the instincts, there can be no peace.

 

My trying to use my instincts for safety, food, love and relationships, or in the AA vernacular of money, property and prestige, for comfort far exceeding their proper functions lead well off the beaten path to become lost and confused on my journey through life.  I was always looking for a destination to keep me happy and stay forever instead of the enjoyment of participating in the journey.

While I go a meeting everyday and talk with others, I am still spending too much time at home and do need to get out and interact more with others.  Progress not perfection.

I am grateful for the insight I have been blessed with as a result of this program of recovery having turned experiences into wisdom.   Now it is time to continue to turn wisdom into virtue by taking more right action.

Dealing With Anger as a Secondary Emotion

I spent much of my adult life with a passive-aggressive cover of apathy over a white-hot rage.  Years of recovery got that to cool down to anger.  More years of recovery and study helped me to let go of my anger.  Now I think of anger as a secondary emotion triggered by fear—fear of not getting what I want or losing something I already had.

Feeling anger now leads me to try to consider what is the primary stimulus/event and interpretation that is causing my angry thoughts.   Then I usually conclude that whatever I am thinking is a bunch of negative counter-productive crap and turn it over to my higher power.  I am not in flight-or-flight survival situations so there is always time for me to process my anger before responding (aka creating additional wreckage that has to be cleaned up later).

As always, there is plenty of room for improvement.  Today my response to anger generating thoughts is miraculously better than how it used to be.

Friends were taking about relatives that had died in April today.  I talked about missing my sister Valerie very much.  I thought she died in April, but did not remember exactly when.  Valerie was 17 years old when committed suicide 41 years ago on March 31^st, 1974.  A huge part of my sense of loss was from the life I expected to have as an upper-middle class white kid in America to the one I do have now.  I can grieve that loss now much better than how I could back then.  My father found Valerie dead on a Monday.  Going back to school on Tuesday was a terrible way to process my grief and loss.  I found out months later from another kid in Junior High that he read in the local paper that Valerie was a suicide.  That sucked.

I am grateful to have much better skills in dealing with anger, grief and loss than how it used to be.  Turning it over to my higher power turns any crisis (in my mind) into a situation that can be processed over time and does not need to be immediately solved with an often unnecessary and inevitably suboptimal solution.

It Could Be Worse

A woman that started coming to our morning meeting last week asked several members for help this morning.  Her words were coherent but her thoughts and plans lacked temporal continuity.  She was going to get a ride to an agency, Hero House, specializing in mental health issues going so far as to get in another member’s car and then she got out saying she did not want to go there.  She said she was hungry.  I offered to buy her some food.  She said she did not want to eat at the Alano Club asking for Taco Bell.  I offered her a ride to Taco Bell and then the agency.  We started off down the road.  She wanted to go to the transit center to go to Seattle.  She wanted to take a shower at our place.  I gave her a few dollars and we left her at the transit center.

That short interaction was powerful.  The woman was predatory, manipulative, deceptive and incapable of successfully advocating for herself in a way that will get her a sober safe place to live.  My first words after she got out the car were to be grateful that Lea and I are not so messed-up that would could not get real functional help from others.  The woman did get money and ride from us, money from another guy at the club and the other lady would have given her a ride.  At the end of the day, she was still homeless and seriously mentally ill.

I don’t know if it was some sort of drug (meth?) psychosis, pure mental illness or a bad combination of the two that fueled her behavior.  Whatever it was, I would not want to be like that and have great compassion for her.  I have rarely seen such a visceral close-up of that level of crazy since I have been in recovery.   By the grace of god, that was not me today.

I know my addiction is a form of insanity.  It is not (YET = your eligible too) as bad as what other people have.  Yesterday in Bellevue, a man my age bludgeoned his aunt to death then drove around in her car getting and smoking crack.  He had been sober 6 months and relapsed.  He will presumably spend the rest of his life in prison.

I am grateful for our daily reprieve from active insanity contingent on the maintenance of our "spiritual condition".  Working with others reminds me of where I don’t want to go helping me to stay sober one more day.

Total Lunar Eclipse at Midnight

Tonight will be a total lunar eclipse starting at 10:58 going to full eclipse at 12:07 lasting until 1:25 AM.   Today was a warm sunny day.  Unfortunately it is now slightly overcast while heading towards rain tomorrow.  This is the first of four lunar eclipses in the next 18 months that will be visible from North America.

Aside from great mythology including lunatics, werewolves and vampires, the moon does great things for earth such as ocean tides and serving as an early calendar.  The land-water interface is key for life on earth.  Having tides makes that zone a much bigger place greatly increasing the space for life on earth to begin and evolve.

While web-surfing tonight, I came across an article on the most iconic pictures of the 20^th century.  The lead picture was of Che Guevara—I had to guess at the picture.  Buzz Aldrin on the moon with the US Flag is easily my best choice for picture of the century.

I am grateful for the beauty, science and mythology of the moon.  It makes life both possible and better.

Renewing Our Apartment Lease

Our apartment lease gets updated on a yearly basis.  Lea and I just committed to another year to get a much better rate than, say, month-to-month.  I have been here a dozen years which is easily the most stable living situation in my adult life. The apartments were owned and managed by BRE Properties until last month when BRE was merged with Essex Property Management forming a REIT with $11 billion in market capitalization.

Unfortunately Essex seems to be in a hurry to get its money back trying to raise my rent by 9% in a regional market projected to go up by 4% this year.  I was able to negotiate a 6% rent increase.  Downtown Bellevue is the epicenter of high and increasing rental rates on the Eastside.  I am just east of the freeway from there.  I like living here in a nice apartment with an extremely convenient location and am not interested in moving.

The biggest downside to this place is we live on a small hill lacking sidewalks so I can’t get readily around the neighborhood in my wheelchair.  Most destinations are within a 5 or 10 minute drive.

I am grateful to be able to afford and have a nice place to live in a convenient location.  I am glad Lea is here.   We get along well and are good for each other.

Cyclone Ita downgraded

Ita was rated a monster category 5 storm, came ashore as a 4 on Friday night and was a 1 on Saturday afternoon local time.  It was a 1 crossing my sister’s home and she did not even lose power.  There was no loss of life.

Modern weather forecasting is a wonderful thing that has saved countless lives.  The worst US storm I know of was the unnamed Galveston hurricane of 1900 that cost 6000 lives that would have been saved with current storm warning technology and information sharing.

I am grateful Ita quickly lost strength and did not cause any loss of life in Australia.  It could not have gone any better than that.

Alison Grimes with Best Campaign Video Ever With Grandma’s

Ms. Grimes is running for the US Senate in Kentucky.  I hope she wins.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BHcRdMxG6o  I love Alison’s grandma’s in this ad.

My grandmother was an oasis of love and emotional stability when I was growing up.  She took her grandchildren razor clam-digging at Ocean Shores when we were young, made wonderful chocolate chip cookies, delicious lunches while when I worked on the farm, taught me how to garden and hosted grand holiday meals for our extended family.

I thank god for the time I got to spend with my grandmother Agnes.  She was the best role models I ever had in my life.  I am grateful for the time I got to spend with her.

Cyclone Ita

There is a concentrated  powerful cyclone (south the equatorial Pacific speak for hurricane) bearing down on NE Queensland, Australia as I write this.  It is predicted to come ashore about 150 miles north of Clifton Beach where my sister Karen and her husband Frank live.  Weather pundits are predicting one of the largest storm surges on record combined with a high tide leading to a possible surge of 40 feet.

The path of the storm is predicted to curve around Clifton Beach from the NE heading SW, there is a chance it might pass right over them.  Ita is already slowing down as the front side of the storm comes ashore.  However it goes, Karen is likely in for the biggest rainstorm of her life. The live on a hillside well above the coastline so flooding won’t be a problem for them.   

I am grateful Karen will not get a direct hit from the full power of Cyclone Ita and that they live well above any possible storm surge.  I am also grateful we do not get storms like this in Bellevue.  A cyclone is far more devastating than the rainstorms or relatively mild snowstorms we get in Western Washington.

Fear of Rejection

Almost without exception, my AA friends admitted that they had struggled with the same feelings.  Some claimed that their fear of rejection stemmed from a lack of self-worth; some of the men laid the difficulty to feelings of inadequacy stimulated by years of drinking.  It was also asserted that we couldn't stand the responsibility of being loved and so sought rejection in subtle ways.  About the only thing that everyone agreed upon completely was that this problem, like our drinking problem, had a spiritual solution.  The Best of the Grapevine [Vol. 1], p.16

[I have had a bit of writer’s block on picking topics on my own.  It is less than optimal cutting-n-pasting thought-for-the-day emails, but far better than not writing.]

I was so fearful of rejection that my solution was to alienate others before they got to know me and then reject me.   It did avoid being rejected for who I was and was a complete failure for developing functional relationships with healthy emotionally available friends and good acquaintances.  I am a lot better now than how it used to be.  There is still massive room for improvement in overcoming my fear of relationships.

I am grateful for the progress I have made towards being available to be in positive healthy sober relationships with friends.  I might always tend towards being a reclusive homebody.  I know now how vastly important relationships are for my mental, emotional and physical health.

Glocosamine & Menthol for Joint Pain

Last month, I bought three kinds of menthol based topical analgesics—two creams and a liniment.  The powerful menthol smell has some placebo effect with its smell of medication.  My small/medium chronic pain in my right hip has been lessoned enough that I will continue to use it on an intermittent basis.

I have also been taking glucosamine for two months.  Due to issues with neuralgia (phantom pain), it is not clear how much this is helping.  There are possible interactions with the anticoagulant that I have been taking that might slightly increase my blood clotting time.  Warfarin/Coumadin is extremely sensitive to dietary conditions and the protime/INR measurement (unitless coagulation rate) fluctuates considerably between a range of 2-3 when we are shooting for a range of 2-2.5.

I don’t know if I will continue to use menthol balms or glucosamine long-term.  For now, there is some pain relief and it at least feels like I am taking action giving me a small sense of empowerment over my pain instead of being helpless.

I am grateful for having the resources to investigate and afford these over the counter pain therapies.  Trying and failing pain control is much better than being helpless and hopeless.

A Daily Reprieve

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels.  We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe.  We are not cured of alcoholism.  What we really have is a daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.  Every day we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities.   Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85

I am grateful for the quality of my spiritual condition today which is, by and large, contingent upon right action leading to right thinking.

Joy

I have had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointments, because that is life, but also I have known a great deal of joy and a peace that is the handmaiden of an inner freedom.  I have a wealth of friends and, with my AA friends, an unusual quality of fellowship.  For, to these people, I am truly related.  First, through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and newfound faith and hope.   Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 276

I am grateful for the joy in my life today.

Longer Days and Greenery

Trees are blooming, both the Tulip and Daffodil festival’s are this weekend, annuals are shooting up and temperatures are edging up over 60° this week with a mini-heatwave of 70° tomorrow.

I am grateful for longer days, growing greenery and warmer temperature.  Robins chirping at 5 AM—not so much.

Dinner with Greg

Picked Greg up at the airport tonight and we went out for dinner on Front Street in Issaquah.  We were going to eat at World Foods but were too late and so had dinner at Jak’s.  Dinner was good.  Our conversation was better.  Our relationship and near daily phone calls are very important to both of us.

I am grateful for my dozen+ years of friendship with Greg.

Bob W Called Tonight

Bob W, my oldest friend from childhood called tonight.  We chatted for 20 minutes and plan to meet for lunch with George at the end of the month after he gets done with tax season.  I am not in touch with many people from my childhood even though I was born and raised only 30 miles away from where I live now.

I am grateful for the long term friendships that I do have with Bob and George.

Chocolate Chip with Walnut Cookies

The AM Reflections AA meeting is usually a small group of people that are new or starting over in recovery that meets Monday through Friday.  Meeting Secretaries generally bring a sweet treat such as cookies to the meeting.  When I was secretary of the Friday meeting, we would stop at Safeway on the way to the meeting to pick a dozen donuts or mini-strudels.

Lea has gotten us motivated to make chocolate chip cookies.  I like mine with nuts so we add chopped pecans or walnuts.  They come out pretty good.  She does the measuring, I do the mixing, she does most of the work with the cookie sheets including dolloping out the dough for each cookie and putting the sheets in the oven.

We have made cookies 6 or 8 times in the last two months.  It is good practice for both of us.  Neither one of us is especially experienced or skilled at working with others.  I have to overcome a strong aversion to being in a kitchen with others at all, much less when working hot foods or sharp knives.  The kitchen is a dangerous place for anybody and especially so for guys in wheelchairs.

I am grateful that Lea and I get along well enough to work together in the kitchen.  That is new territory for both of us and it is going fairly well.  Judging by how the cookies are gone by the end of the meeting, members are also grateful we are able to work together to make the world a little sweeter place.

Getting Support From Others

I was paralyzed in 1981 in a motor vehicle accident while working as a logger at Mt St Helens.   While still in the hospital, I was taken to a wheelchair basketball game and went swimming.  Moving to Hawaii a year later, I hung out with other guys in wheelchairs playing tennis, basketball and doing the Maui marathon on my 24^th birthday.  Santa Barbara was another 5 years of basketball and tennis with other young smart guys in wheelchairs.  That was a lot of help in learning from the collective wisdom of others.   I practiced wheelchair basketball for a couple more years in Bellevue.

That was great help for dealing with spinal cord injury issues and life in a chair.  It still was not enough to overcome my isolating addictive personality issues.

As a member of the AA fellowship of recovery, I am learning how to get and give positive loving emotional support with others.  It has taken me years to breakdown my sense of terminal uniqueness and overcome my fear of people to allow them into my life.  Better late than never.

I am grateful for the support that I get from others in trying and learning how to live a life with physical and emotional sobriety.  I still have a long ways to go, but am doing better than ever before and am optimistic that I will continue to make good progress in creating a fulfilling life for myself while helping others.

I Don’t Know

This is a bit of a night writing catch-up post due to writing the morning after for the last two days instead of the night before.

I don’t know what to write about tonight. That is okay.  While unable to come up with a substantial topic after more than the usual websurfing, it occurred to me to write about being grateful for not having all the answers today and being okay with that.  I am learning to live serenely with ambiguity without having to struggle for definitive answers to unknown questions.

Had lunch with Sandy, her mom Janet and her “daughter” Rachel today.  It was very pleasant to watch a variety of ages in one family get along well together.  They are blessed to have each other and they know it.  Sandy was clearly adamantly opposed to the use of the “g-word” (generations).  Not sure why, but never used it again after a brief reference to my diet issues!

I am grateful for wonderful friends and serenity while dealing with ambiguity instead of having to act like I had answers to all questions—both known and unknown.