A Passion For Reading

My earliest memory of wanting to read was envying Gary Moon in Kindergarten because he already knew how to read.  I was reading by first grade.  Almost a half-century later, my reading is still going strong.  Over the years, the media has changed from paperbacks to large-print to a Kindle.    I still read hardcovers that I get from the library.  Magazines and newspapers are a thing of the past.

Today I read for hours while waiting for Lea at her doctor’s and then while she was getting fitted for dentures.  The UW dental school is painfully slow for student-made dentures.  I am most of the way through Emotional IQ which is my current read-while-waiting book.  It has been a fascinating read.  I am committed to improving my Emotional IQ so that I will have better relationships with myself and others.


I am grateful for my love of reading along with the knowledge and pleasure that I get from reading.

Plenty of Pillows Help With Chronic Pain

I have chronic pain that would be a problem when sleeping except for the use of a dozen pillows for positioning when sleeping.  They take some work to round-up and position.  The ensuing pain reduction is well worth the effort.


I am grateful for having the room for and having a king-size bed, 12+ pillows, and that my chronic pain is greatly reduced by proper pillow placement.

Lots of Local Meetings

It was raining cats and dogs this morning when we were leaving the clinic to go to the meeting.  The meeting is down a ramp with a sharp turn in the middle of it.  We skipped that meeting and went to a meeting at 8 PM.  It was on sponsorship.  Michelle got a sponsor. 

After that, we went to the 24-hour Walgreen’s and got more cough syrup.


I am grateful for convenient local resources like multiple drug stores to choose from and especially the Alano Club.

Haircut, Shower and Clean Sheets

Got a haircut from Michelle (she used to own & run two beauty shops), took a shower and have clean sheets to sleep on tonight.  Haircuts are simple affairs consisting of a trimming with electric shears with a 1/2” guide.  Showers are a bit more treacherous due to a poorly built padded shower bench while waiting for the apartment management’s permission to tune-up the shower stall to something more suitable.

A favorite sensation of my friend Mo was sleeping on fresh sheets right out of the shower was one of his favorite sensations.  He was a good guy and a good friend.  He died almost two years ago as a result of secondary problems from his spinal cord injury.


I am grateful for Michelle’s sobriety, my haircut, electric shears, clean sheets, hot & cold running water, and a warm place to sleep on a chilly wet Fall night in late September.  

The Season Finale of Dexter

Watched the final episode of the HBO TV show Dexter this week.  Dexter Morgan worked as a lab tech for the Miami Metro Police Department Homicide Department and killed other serial killers in his spare time.  After eight seasons, he had killed a lot of killers in ways funny, gory or sublime.


I am grateful for cable TV shows like Dexter that raise the bar for more entertaining and thoughtful TV that build on continuity.

Michelle Has Two Days Sober

Michelle has been trying to stay sober all year.  A 28-day stint at Thunderbird in Seattle in March was supposed to be the solution to if only I went to inpatient treatment for her.  That was little help and she spent the last three months back out in the homeless camps in Seattle called the Jungle.  It is a tough place for anybody to survive, much less for a 45-year old woman that is alcohol and drug addicted.

She decided to give sobriety another try on Monday night.  When I picked her up, Michelle agreed she was willing go any length and would get a sponsor and start working the steps in the first week.  Her fear masquerading as pride blocked her from doing that earlier this year.  The beat-down provided by additional drinking is key for alcoholics to find the humility to stop trying to do things their way.

She is going through alcohol withdrawal that is painful yet not bad enough to give her a case of delirium tremens (DT).  It always seems strange to me that alcohol withdrawal is a more lethal withdrawal than from heroin or other heavy narcotic addictions.  Maybe it is because alcoholics change their metabolism to feed off alcohol instead of regular food.

I never had the experience of having to be a morning drinker because of the shakes/DTs.  I have seen those that are.  For a drug addict like me that stopped smoking crack when it was all gone, it is peculiar to see late-stage alcoholics save a drink for the morning instead of doing all they have the night before.  Clearly the DTs are a powerful motivation to get alcoholics to stop drinking before running out of booze the night before so they can have a morning drink.

I am grateful that Michelle is giving sobriety another try and that I never experienced the DTs from alcohol withdrawal.

More About Cough Syrup

My chest cold comes and goes apparently depending in great part on the concentration of expectorant cough syrup.  Swilling doses out of the bottle worked great—until I read the directions…  I was not far off track on the suggested dosage rates except for misreading teaspoons as tablespoons.  Then I was off by a factor of 3x.  (Due to body mass/concentration factors I was not really that far off the mark.)  [Note that I was not using dextromethorphan (DM) which has hallucinative properties per Wikipedia.]

I am grateful for a choice of products, stores and locations to buy cough syrup and other over the counter medications.  For a guy that can’t even use aspirin, these alternatives are godsent.


I Was An Exception

He [Bill W.] said to me, gently and simply, "Do you think that you are one of us?"
            Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 413 (Third Edition)

During my drinking life I was convinced I was an exception. I thought I was beyond petty requirements and had the right to be excused. I never realized that the dark counterbalance of my attitude was the constant feeling that I did not "belong." At first, in A.A., I identified with others only as an alcoholic. What a wonderful awakening for me it has been to realize that, if human beings were doing the best they could, then so was I! All of the pains, confusions and joys they feel are not exceptional, but part of my life, just as much as anybody's.  From the September 23rd Daily Reflections

My childhood and spinal cord injury were my excuses for being an exception.  In a less delusional reality the problem was entirely within my mind.  Pain, confusion and joy are a part of all our lives.  Sharing that with others helps complete me as a person.


I am grateful for: my sobriety; being able to afford another car when I need one; that my chest cold is better today; and for having a little more faith & trust in my higher power today than yesterday.

A Chest Cold and Fever

I spent the day in bed with a so-so chest cold and mild fever.  I was sicker than I wanted to be, but it could have been much worse.  I had some cough syrup and Ibuprofen to help.  The cough syrup really helped me to be able to clear my lungs.  I get a flu shot every year and don’t usually get really bad colds.


I am grateful for: being able to cancel my simple schedule of swimming and a meeting for the day without financial consequences like all-to-many people that have to go to work no matter how sick they are because they need to the money; being reasonably healthy for my situation; a comfy king size bed; over the counter medications; torrents; football games; books on my Kindle; cheap convenient reliable electricity; my sobriety; hot and cold running water; and all the other amenities that help make my life better.

An Uneventful Day

Today was a nice pleasant sunny 70° day.  We went to the clinic and a meeting.  Lea went home after not feeling well.  I went to Ali’s Auto Repair and had the wheels changed from the old car to the new car since they are brand new Michelins.  Passed the emissions test as step one in the process of changing the title and registration to my name.   I went swimming for 90 minutes. 

People are strange in the pool.  The see me swimming laps and need to stand in my way.  A disproportionately large fraction of the time, it is east Asian people that were not born in the US.   Basically I see it as a cultural phenomenon.  Severely disabled people don’t seem to register as people to them in some circumstances.  After being swam into twice by one Chinese lady and having a Japanese guy stand in my way multiple times, I put up the rope that separates the open section of the pool from the therapy section.  Sharing the pool and playing nice with others doesn’t always work so well.   Oh well..

I explained the economic concept of the tragedy of the commons to Lea last week.   There were 6 adults in the pool and three of them managed to swim into each other one or more times.  A crazy Russian man in a walker even managed to race a stroke survivor for the double-wide door. Viewed from the right perspective, their failure to play well with others was uncanny.

After swimming, I went to the DMV agent at Crossroads Mall.  Unfortunately I was 15 minutes late and could not register my car today.  I will go again on Monday.  Then I came home, made an early dinner of chicken alfredo, washed the towels, watched a little college football, talked with Charlie by phone, and took a nap.

One of my dysfunctional survival mechanisms from childhood is to self-destruct when things are going okay.  I can get a sense of oppressive dread in knowing that I am going to get yelled at sooner or later.  In an attempt to make the world less chaotic, I would create a negative event.  It is insanely unhealthy behavior by any standard, but it does make the world seem more rational and less chaotic.

The topic at this morning’s meeting was faith, fear and god.  I had previously concluded a big part of my last relapse was due to my lies of omission in a lack of rigorous honesty.  Today I got a little more insight into my lies of omission stemming from a lack of faith and humility.

I am grateful for pleasant uneventful days where I stay out of my own way while seeking knowledge of god’s will for me and the power to carry that out.

A Tardy Post

At the beginning of the year my goal was to write my Gratitude blog post in the morning.  For the last several months my M.O. has been writing at night.  The downside to that is if I miss the window of opportunity after getting home from a night event is that I might not write a Gratitude blog post for that day.  This is what happened last night.  Now I am writing a make-up post at 4 AM.  Better late than never.

I am grateful for my (pleasantly surprising) dedication to writing my Gratitude blog posts—no matter what time of day.   The act of intentionally focusing on what I am grateful for makes a HUGE difference in the quality of my life.


The Washington State Fair aka Do The Puyallup

Lea and I went to the Puyallup fairgrounds today for the Washington State Fair.  It was a perfect 73° day for the fair.  We got there at noon checking out as-seen-on-TV crapware (it was the first pavilion on the right when we got in), crafts, 4H, flowers, vegetable displays, sheep (meh), cows (only two breeds in the barn we went through), ate the best strawberry shortcake ever and had some deep-fried chicken (fries were good, my chicken was from a heat lamp, Lea’s chicken strip was hot).  Thought about trying to win a stuffed animal at a game then realized my skills were never good and would be abysmal now.   Bought a sun dress and two hats in the spirit of going to the fair. 

We drove home via the Green River Valley and Black Diamond checking out the old farmhouse on the way.  It was a nice drive down a country road.  We moved there in 1959.  I was born and raised on the farm.  Had it not been quite so crazy, it would have been a wonderful place to grow up.  Things have changed a lot in Valley over the last 54 years!  Still pretty rural, but not much by way of working farms except for a couple small fields of corn.

We went swimming this evening and then worked for an hour on a Christian/bible based 12-step workbook.  We are now up to doing a 4th step inventory.  This will be my fifth 4th step.  It is Lea’s first 4th step.  We have worked it 10x for one hour during each study session.  It is nice to be able to help Lea learn how to study, discuss her emotions, feelings, thoughts and work her way through the 12 steps.  She has an AA sponsor she last met with 3 weeks ago.  I am not trying to be her sponsor, instead it is more like an older student helping a younger student get through the material.

I am grateful for a really good day in recovery spent with Lea at a meeting, the fair, on a nice drive, swimming and doing the workbook together.


Six Months Again

Today I have six months of continuous sobriety for the 4th time since I went to rehab 14 years ago.  I have had 5 years, almost a year and almost 7 years in the previous spells of sobriety.  I learned vital lessons from each of the ensuing relapses.

The lessons from the last relapse include: how absolutely lifevital healthy relationships with friend and others are in my life; the need to be more open and honest by not telling lies of omission—I am only as sick as my secrets no matter how big or small; and the need to work directly with others instead of isolating at home behind my keyboard pretending that is enough service work to keep my sober.


I am grateful to be sober today with the best relationships with others that I have ever had in my life.  God, Karen, Leslee, Charlie, Sandy, Toni, Lea and others all help me to find a pleasant sense of place in my relationships in my world.

Healthier Boundaries

Weekday mornings for the last six months, Lea and I have gone to a 9:30 meeting at the Alano Club of the Eastside (ACES).  ACES is spiritual hallowed ground for alcoholics.  It is a place for newcomers to safely spend the day and for old-timers to enjoy fellowship and recovery.   As sanctuary for alcoholics, it has a fair bit of drama going on with non-drinking alcoholic insanity. 

I have found it is best to not spend too much time at the ACES on a regular basis to avoid getting sucked into the drama-rama of the still really suffering alcoholics.  There is a sign on the wall in the meeting explicitly stating that “Predatory behavior is not tolerated at the Alano Club”.  Even the prison does not have that sign.   Presumably it refers to sick guys hitting on new girls trying to get sober aka 13th stepping.  It also applies to sick people trying to take a meeting hostage with their drunkalog.

At the business meeting almost two weeks ago on the first Thursday, we passed a motion to change our script at the beginning of the meeting to explicitly state that the AM Reflections meeting is a solution-based group.  Twice since then, guys claiming lots of AA experience took the meeting hostage with their drugalog.  When asked to stay in the solution, both got angry, tried to rationalize their behavior and left when the group would not co-sign their bs.  A new lady went on a drunkalog, was called on it, got into the solution and has been coming to the meetings every day since then.

As the youngest of 4 kids in a autocratic family, I was de-voiced as a child.  A big part of my recovery is learning how to ask for what I want.  Today I get to speak up at meetings asking for what I want—to be focused on the solution.  It does not mean I will get up, but at least I get to feeling validated for having expressed my needs in a healthy, kind and loving way.  There was still some conflict which inevitably generates a defensive fear-based response in me.  It is a lot better, and closer to healthy, than how it used to be.


I am grateful for healthier boundaries, a convenient meeting location at the ACES which has 60+ 12-step meetings a week less than a mile from my home and for solution-based groups that support members getting a healthy sobriety.

The Pool Has ReOpened

After four long weeks without swimming, the Bellevue Aquatic Center Warm Springs pool is again open.  I swam for almost an hour today.  It felt great to be back in the water.  I put on a few pounds and am a bit less fit for the duration, but am still considerably better off than I was three months ago when I had not swam in years.

Previously, I always had either Lea or a lifeguard hold my chair and do a sort of forward/side roll into the pool out of my chair while pivoting off a grip on the pool ladder.  Lea sat in the car today and the lifeguard was chatting with another lifeguard in the far corner of the pool.  Not wanting to wait another minute, I used the one brake on my left tire to lock the chair in place and did my usual splashy entry.  The brake was to keep the chair from following me into the pool.  That worked well.

The pool regulars were back in force on day one.  The moral of that story seems to be that swimmers like to swim.  There weren’t any adults in the water that I had not seen there before the break.


I am grateful to have convenient access to a wonderful warm swimming pool and amenities.

Reliable Auto Mechanical Repair At Ali's Bellevue Automotive

I buy older cars in good condition and drive them to the end of their cost-effective reliable life.  In the interim, I have my mechanic keep them in good working order.  Being stranded by a dead car sucks even more for me than the your general overall level of suckiness.  With that in mind, I dropped my new car off at Ali’s Automotive tonight and got a ride home from Leslee.  I  checked all the boxes on the work order envelope when I slid my keys in the door slot letting them know it was a new car for me and asking that they give it a good once over fixing all the minor problems.

I have been taking my car to Ali’s since he opened the shop 8ish years ago.  His shop has been a very reliable honest and cost effective place for me to have my mechanical work done.  Leslee also takes her car there.  I have recommended Ali’s whenever somebody ask about needing a car mechanic.  It is a good feeling to have a reliable mechanic that has always done me right.  I would rather find a new doctor or maybe a new dentist than have to shop for another mechanic that I can trust.


I am grateful for having a reliable mechanic with good rates.  

Letting Go Of My Own Best Thinking

Tonight’s meeting topic was letting go as in letting go of my own best thinking.  My thinking on the logistics of getting my new car from the Bremerton ferry dock was a great example of why I need to let go of my own best thinking. 

First I obsessed on how to get up the giant ramp over Alaskan Way to the passenger-only deck.  Then I obsessed on how to hold and not spend cash overnight from a Friday trip to the bank until buying the car on Saturday.

A short web search did not provide an accessible solution for the ramp.  A phone call to the ferry ADA line was not returned. A second phone call got the answer I needed in relatively short order on a automated decision tree leading to a person at the ferry information desk—use the elevator.

Likewise talking about my concerns at the meeting yesterday resulted in a member sharing a blindingly obvious answer of using a cashier’s check that I had not fully considered.  In the past, I had screwed up a planned money order purchase.  Not so easily done with a cashier’s check.  It cost an extra $12 which was well worth it for my sobriety, the peace of mind and safety of my car funds.


I am grateful today to be better able to let go of get around my own best thinking and ask others for help thinking outside of my limited thinking which is trapped by my biases.  Progress, not perfection…

A New Car For Me

When I was first paralyzed, I bought a brand-new 1981 K-Car courtesy of Dodge and Lee Iacoca.  After 5 years, the interior fabric had been pounded to mincemeat by my wheelchair. 

Since then I have bought used cars.  One more K-car and followed by two Ford Thunderbirds and two Mercury Cougars.  The Tbirds and the Cougars are the same car with minor cosmetic differences.  I like to buy older versions with low mileage.  I got my current car with 80,000 miles and put 60,000 miles on it over 5+ years.  I rarely drive further than the local Bellevue/Seattle area.

Tomorrow I am going to buy my 3rd Thunderbird for $2700.   It is a 1996 with 65000 miles.  It appears to be in mint condition being sold by the second owner that had since it was all but new.   He is in Belfair near Bremerton.  Leslee is going to drop me off at the ferry dock tomorrow morning and Larry the seller will pick me up at the Bremerton dock.  Assuming all goes well and I buy the car, I will drive him home and then bring the car home.  I have yet to decide between driving around via the Tacoma Narrows bridge or back on the ferry.  For the sake of variety, I will likely take the bridge.

I really like the 1989-1997 model years.  They are a bit bigger than the newer models.  Most importantly, they have a higher roofline that makes it easier for me to get in the car due to having steel rods in my back that preclude bending my back to get in.

I found my last two cars on Craigslist.  Low-mileage versions are getting harder to find and so I have taken to searching across the US and Canada using ebay.  Others cars of this caliber have gone for as much as $5000.  I think I am getting a great deal on this one at $2700.  I was prepared to fly across the country and drive one home.  A $5 ferry trip to Bremerton is a small price to pay in this case. 

The car did not sell on ebay due to having a reserve (minimum auction bid) that was not met.  I emailed Larry after the auction closed asking for a price.  When he said $2700, I did not even try to negotiate a better price.  He held it two weeks for me until I got paid again so that I would have the money to buy the car.

I have spent several hours devising the best plan to get the car.  Mostly I was wwaayy overthinking limited information in the sandbox of my mind.  It turns out that I can simply go to the ferry dock, catch the elevator and get on the ferry like that as a walk-on.  Otherwise it would be a ginormous ramp  across Alaskan Way in Seattle. 

One part of the process that had me terrified was me having $2700 cash in my pocket on a Friday night.  The timeline is such that I need to have the money before the bank opens on Saturday.  I was in tears this morning at the meeting discussing how frustrating it is to not trust myself to not spend the money on drugs instead of buying the car for even one night.  After the meeting, Craig suggested the blindingly obvious—get a cashier’s check.  Shows you where my own best thinking leaves me—trapped in a corner with now way out unless I get help from others.

I am grateful to Craig for his suggestion of the obvious (in hindsight),  meetings for keeping me sober, Craigslist and ebay for being great places to find specific used cars, Leslee for the ride, portable hand-controls, Lea for going with me, Larry for meeting me at the dock, having a pension that enables me to live independently with my own transportation, for roads that take me everywhere I need to go, and my wonderful mechanic Ali that does a fantastic job of maintaining my cars for me.  First thing I do will be to have him inspect the car, probably get a new battery, oil change and other minor maintenance.



Another 2nd Thursday Trip to Prison

Leslee, Lisa and I went to prison tonight.  We missed last month due scheduled electrical repair issues.  There is a wonderful sense of camaraderie between the three of us on the drive out there and especially on the drive home.

There was 20 inmates at the meeting tonight.  That is a very large turnout for the New Hope meeting at the Washington State Reformatory.  Tonight we talked about being responsible to others whether family or newcomers in AA.   For all of us, that is something either new in sobriety or that we done vastly better than how it used to be.


I am grateful for being able to be of service to others.  It gets me out of my apartment and “myself” (being stuck in my head with my own best thinking is a disaster waiting to happen).

Fourteen Oddball Reasons We’re Not Dead Yet

   By Laura Helmuth   Posted Wednesday, Sept. 11, 2013, at 5:10 AM
   From Slate.com

Lifespan has doubled in the United States in the past 150 years. This ridiculously wonderful change in the nature of life and death is something we tend to take for granted. When we do think about why we’re still alive, some of the big, fairly obvious reasons that come to mind are vaccines, antibiotics, clean water, or drugs for heart disease and cancer. But the world is full of underappreciated people, innovations, and ideas that also save lives. A round of applause, please, for some of the oddball reasons, in no particular order, why people are living longer and healthier lives than ever before.

Cotton. One of the major killers of human history was typhus, a bacterial disease spread by lice. It defeated Napoleon’s army; if Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture were historically accurate, it would feature less cannon fire and more munching arthropods. Wool was the clothing material of choice before cotton displaced it. Cotton is easier to clean than wool and less hospitable to body lice.

Satellites. In 1900, a hurricane devastated Galveston, Texas. It killed 8,000 people, making it the deadliest hurricane in U.S. history. In 2008, Hurricane Ike hit Galveston. Its winds were less powerful at landfall than those of the 1900 storm, but its storm surge was higher, and that’s usually what kills people. This time we saw it coming, thanks to a network of Earth-monitoring satellites and decades of ever-improving storm forecasting. More than 100 people died, but more than 1 million evacuated low-lying coastal areas and survived.

Fluoride. There were plenty of miserable ways to die before the mid-20th century, but dying of a tooth abscess had to be among the worst—a slow, painful infection that limits your ability to eat, causes your head to throb endlessly, and eventually colonizes the body and kills you of sepsis. Now it’s a rare way to go, thanks to modern dental care, toothbrushes, and (unless you’re in Portland) fluoridated water.

Window screens. Houseflies are irritating today, but they used to be major vectors of deadly diarrheal disease. Clean water and treatment of sewage eliminated the most obvious means of transmitting these diseases, but pesky houseflies continued to spread deadly microbes. By the 1920s, according to James Riley in Rising Life Expectancy: A Global History, a growing aversion to insects and the introduction of window screens reduced this risk.

The discovery of unconscious bias. The reason we trust double-blind, placebo-controlled clinical trials to tell us which medical treatments actually work is that we know we can’t trust ourselves. If you take a sham drug that you think will alleviate your symptoms, it will—that’s the placebo effect. If you think the drug will cause side effects, it will—that’s the nocebo effect. If you’re a clinician and think you’re administering a real drug, you will send all kinds of signals, unintentionally, to tell the patient you think the treatment will work. If you’ve seen anecdotal evidence for a treatment, you notice confirmatory evidence rather than cases that make you revise your original hypothesis. When analyzing the data, it’s all too easy to squint at the numbers in a way that confirms your expectations. Double-blind trials overcome these biases by preventing both patient and clinician from knowing whether a tested drug is real or not.

Botts’ Dots. Those raised ceramic reflectors between road lanes were invented by Elbert Botts, a chemist who worked for the California Department of Transportation. The dots help motorists see the edge of their lane even in the dark or when it’s raining. Botts died in 1962, four years before the first Botts’ dots were installed on California highways.

Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. That’s the no-nonsense name of one of the most important publications most people have never heard of. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has been publishing it since 1952 to provide “timely, reliable, authoritative, accurate, objective, and useful public health information and recommendations.” When a new disease or danger emerges—such as AIDS or a new strain of influenza—the MMWR is often the first to identify it.

Air-conditioning. As Dan Engber pointed out in a two-part ode to A/C last summer, heat is deadly and we don’t respect it enough. A Chicago heat wave killed more than 700 people in one week in 1995. The National Weather Service issues heat alerts, and cities have started to offer air-conditioned cooling centers for people who would overheat at home. A recent study shows that air conditioning has cut the death rate on hot days by 80 percent since 1960.

The residents of Framingham, Mass. In 1948, researchers signed up more than 5,000 adults for a long-term study of heart disease. Nobody anticipated just how long-term the study would be—it’s still going strong and now includes the children and grandchildren of the original cohort. It taught us much of what we know about heart disease. Before the study, high blood pressure was thought to be a sign of good health; now it’s recognized as a risk factor for heart attacks and strokes. Thanks to the generosity and commitment of volunteers in Framingham and other studies, we know the dangers of high cholesterol, obesity, inactivity, and smoking.

Pasteurization. This should be an obvious lifesaver, right up there with hand-washing and proper nutrition. But the rise of the raw milk movement suggests that a lot of people take safe dairy products for granted. Contaminated milk was one of the major killers of children, transmitting typhoid fever, scarlet fever, diphtheria, tuberculosis, and other diseases. One of the most successful public health campaigns of the late 19th and early 20th centuries was for pure and pasteurized milk—so successful that we don’t really remember how deadly milk can be.

Shoes. Hookworms are parasites that enter the human body through bare feet—often by biting into the soft skin between the toes (shudder). The disease was common in the Southeast, spread when people walked barefoot across ground that was contaminated with feces of people who were already infected. Education initiatives at the beginning of the 20th century encouraged people to build sanitary outhouses and wear shoes.

Cows. I mentioned in an earlier story that the Midwest—including Michigan!—once had some of the worst malaria outbreaks in the country. Anopheles mosquitoes had always flourished in the damp lowlands around streams and melting snow, and when settlers came, some of them carried Plasmodium parasites that the mosquitoes spread widely. The settlers’ farming practices made for even more stagnant water, and their sod and log houses were perfect habitat for biting pests. After farmers had exhausted the soil, they started raising cows rather than crops—and mosquitoes prefer to suck bovine blood even more than that of humans, helping break the malaria cycle. In the South and other parts of the country, larvicides, pesticides, better drainage, bug-proof housing, mechanized agriculture that replaced human labor, and fewer people living in lowlands helped eliminate malaria.


Oppressive, burdensome, over-reaching government regulations. People like to complain about the government, but when you start looking through the alphabet soup of agencies, you realize that most of them are there to save your life. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration runs the National Weather Service and warns you about hurricanes. The Environmental Protection Agency enforces the Clean Air Act and has dramatically reduced the amount of deadly pollutants in the air you breathe. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration keeps you safe at work. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration and National Transportation Safety Board investigate vehicles and accidents and make recommendations so accidents don’t happen again. The Food and Drug Administration keeps deadly microbes out of your food. The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalls toys that could kill your child. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention tracks and tries to cure or avert basically any health hazard, and the National Institutes of Health supports some of the most important biomedical research in the world.

Goodness. Philosopher Daniel Dennett had an epiphany after emergency surgery a few years ago. It wasn’t a religious epiphany—instead of thanking God, he realized he should thank human goodness:
“To whom, then, do I owe a debt of gratitude? To the cardiologist who has kept me alive and ticking for years … the surgeons, neurologists, anesthesiologists, and the perfusionist, who kept my systems going for many hours under daunting circumstances. To the dozen or so physician assistants, and to nurses and physical therapists and x-ray technicians and a small army of phlebotomists so deft that you hardly know they are drawing your blood, and the people who brought the meals, kept my room clean. … I remember with gratitude my late friend and Tufts colleague, physicist Allan Cormack, who shared the Nobel Prize for his invention of the CT scanner. Allan—you have posthumously saved yet another life, but who's counting? The world is better for the work you did. Thank goodness. Then there is the whole system of medicine, both the science and the technology. … So I am grateful to the editorial boards and referees, past and present, of Science, Nature, Journal of the American Medical Association, Lancet, and all the other institutions of science and medicine that keep churning out improvements, detecting and correcting flaws.” 


These are just a few of the countless ways people have made life safer, healthier, less painful—and longer—than we ever could have imagined a few centuries ago. Thank goodness.

–30–



I am grateful for modern medicine on many occassions.  Antibiotics have saved my life countless times.  The earliest serious infection I remember was at age 12 when a dog my brother Bryce bit me and I got an infection in my jaw.  At 16, I had a potentially fatal flu that was alleviated by IV antibiotics and fluids.  After being paralyzed at 22, I have had countless bladder infections that would have all been fatal prior to the advent of sulfa drugs and penicillin.  I am currently on two mild antibiotics for the rest of my life due my comprised immune system.


BONUS
For fans of quackery err alternative medicine, here is a video that ‘splains it all…

Texting Via Google Voice

I rarely send SMS/text (txt) messages using my cell phone.  In fact, I rarely use my cell phone except when making calls while in my car.  Now that I have a (slow) 3G smart phone, I will occasionally use Google search to look up information, but certainly not in the same fashion as when I am at my PC with a 40 MBs DSL connection with a giant ergonomic keyboard and a 32” monitor.  Search on my smart phone is more of a way to kill time than it is to get information beyond an address or phone number.

I have had a Google Voice number dating back to when it was GrandCentral in 2007.  At the time, I was working customer service at a small VOIP phone company.  GrandCentral provided a free product that somewhat matched up with what they charged $18.95.  As a stock-vested employee, I was hoping for a killer IPO.  That IPO did not happen.

I do use Google Voice to send txt messages from my PC to a few of my friends’ cell phones when they are either not answering the phone or out of talk-minutes while still able to txt. 


I am grateful for the plethora of web-based tools such as Google Voice that have changed the face of telecommunication from a simple POTS line with no voice-mail, call-waiting nor caller ID when I was a kid to the feature rich environment that it is today.

King County Library System at KCLS.org

The KCLS is the biggest library system in the US as measured by check-outs of books, DVDs, CDs, ebooks, etc.  They have a great website, at least 4 libraries in Bellevue and do a great job on rare books via an interlibrary loan system.  For example, I got the book Alcoholism as an Attachment Disorder via the KCLS from the Evergreen College Library in Olympia a week after I put in my request after learning that the KCLS did not have that book.

I had not used the KCLS much for the last couple of years until a few months ago.  Reading the positive psychology books is easy when all I have to do is order them online and pick them up at Crossroads on my Friday get-together at the Mall.  Unfortunately the Crossroads library is being updated with new paint, carpet and a light overhaul and so is closed until later this fall.   That means I have to drive a mile over to the Lake Hills library to get my reserved books.  Not bad, but not the same as walking 100 feet from where I already am at Crossroads.

Currently I have five books checked out and five more on hold that I will get in the near future.  Free books to read are great and I don’t have room in my apartment  for the book collection I would amass if I were to buy them.

The library at Alexandria is the world’s most famous library (partly for being history’s first mass book burnings including fire set by Julius Caesar in 48 BC, an attack by Aurelian in the 270s AD, the decree of Coptic Pope Theophilus in 391, and the Muslim conquest of Egypt in 642).  The KCLS has 43 branch locations that all have access to more information more millions books than the librarians at Alexandria ever dreamed of.

I am grateful to have a library cards at one of the arguably  library systems in the history of the world.  


More Humility

Tonight’s meeting was on the 9th Step: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

From  the Seventh Step in the 12x12
Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the founda­tion principle of each of A.A.’s Twelve Steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. Nearly all A.A.’s have found, too, that unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety, they still haven’t much chance of becoming truly happy. Without it, they cannot live to much useful purpose, or, in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency.
Humility, as a word and as an ideal, has a very bad time of it in our world. Not only is the idea misunderstood; the word itself is often intensely disliked. Many people haven’t even a nodding acquaintance with humility as a way of life. Much of the everyday talk we hear, and a great deal of what we read, highlights man’s pride in his own achievements.

Making amends to people I have wronged has helped me let go of a dysfunctional false pride and acquire more humility.  Making financial amends where I owe money helps me to feel like a much more responsible and participating member of society—on the inside instead of on the outside looking in.


I am grateful for the release from false pride that allows me to be more humble and thus happier and emotionally well-adjusted.  Progress, not perfection.

Guardianship Revisited

My sister Karen and I started trying to get a guardian for our mother over two years ago.  After months of effort and an incompetent lawyer, our mother did give a downtown Seattle attorney  power of attorney to provide Karen and I with quarterly financial reports.  The attorney skipped the June report altogether until badgered into provide both the September and June reports this week.

I am unable to interact with my mother without relapsing.  Some seriously painful childhood issues have been worked through so that I am okay on my own.  Talking with my alcoholic demented mother is more than I can handle.  Fortunately, my sister has both an MBA and a CPA along powerful advocacy skills.

I could see why he skipped that last report.  Our seriously demented mother inexplicably cashed a $100k CD and put it into her checking account.  Since then, she has had two check books stolen from her room.  A check was written for $3200 to “customer service” going to an as yet unknown person.  Her broker at Morgan Stanley is a parasite preying on a defenseless old women churning her for $20k in brokerage fees this year.  Robert Zorich is parasitic pond scum.

While I can’t interact with my mother in a healthy way, I sure as hell don’t want to see her abused and impoverished by those hired to care for her.  My sister served as my financial guardian years ago when I first got to recovery.  She did an excellent job never charging me a penny and never taking any money from me.  She is doing a fantastic job advocating for our mother in difficult circumstances.

I am grateful that our mother has the money to live in a nice eldercare facility, has allowed at least some legal oversight of her finances and has my sister to mind the minders of our mother’s health and finances.  The minders would have assuredly plundered far more without oversight.

Meeting At Crossroads Mall With Charlie and Mike

I meet with Charlie and Mike every Friday morning at Crossroads Mall.  We talk for awhile, read some recovery literature, discuss and leave to begin our weekends.  It is a great way for me to stay connected with two sober men that know me really well.  Today we got so engaged in discussing alcoholism as an attachment disorder/relationship problem we did not read.  That is the first in several years of meeting with Charlie that we did not read.  It was a great discussion.

It is painful to watch my friends in their serial frequent relapse behavior.  Greg had 44 days.  Lea claimed a month.  Then they used again.  I discussed stepping away from such frequent contact with Greg.  Mike told a story of a guy that brought a serial relapser to meetings for years—and then the relapser got sober.  I will continue to be the best friend I can be to Charlie, Mike, Greg and Lea.  They all like me.  Some need me more than others.


I am grateful for my friends, my sobriety, and being able to be of service to others.  It helps put my issues in a much more palatable perspective.  As Alice would say “I have a much classier set of problems today.”

Making More Friends

I used to have using buddies in a largely sequential serial fashion—one using buddy at a time.  Now I have a small group of close friends.  That is a lot better than how it used to be.  Reading Attachment Disorder and Emotional IQ is motivating me to expand my “posse”.

My newest goal is to expand my social circle to a second tier of friends that I occasional do things with, but don’t see on a regular basis.  An obvious place to start is with my weekday mid-morning AA group that with most members in early sobriety.  All of us need to practice social skills with sober people.  I am going to organize events like dinner and a meeting, group craft projects, movie events and so on.  We can color or make collages at downtown Bellevue library in one of their meeting rooms for an easy starter event.

As a matter of fact, I just called Carol to see how she is doing.  We briefly talked about going to movie last week.  Hopefully we will do that sometime this month. 


I am grateful for the friends that I have and for the friends that I will soon be making.

Still Glad It Is Not Me: The Aftermath

Talked with Greg this afternoon.  He has not used for three days.  He was clearly in heinous pain somewhere close to incomprehensible demoralization.  I gently urged him to be in the moment instead of ruminating over the past and to have some self-compassion.  He was not in a mood to be cheered up.  Our short talk was undoubtedly better than not talking.  We will talk more tomorrow.  (Technically, my time line is screwed up since I am writing this at 2:30 AM…you get the idea.)

Took Lea to the new downtown Seattle Social Security Administration building this morning.  What a nightmare that place is.  There is no parking in the building.  It is on a hill just NE of the Yesler overpass on 5th Avenue or just south of the King County Admin building.  I did not even see any handicapped parking close by, much less find an accessible spot.  We parked down the hill halfway to Chinatown.  Lea had worked up a sweat helping me up the hill by the time we got to the front door.

There I was told I could not have the small end-wrench, crescent wrench and multitool that I always carry with me in my backpack to fix my wheelchair like I did yesterday at Bellevue Square when a bolt broke.  There was no way it was going to work to take them down the hill to my car and come back.  When Federal security confiscates metal objects, they are gone forever and can’t be retrieved.  I lost a multitool (pocketknife with pliers) that I have had for 14 years because the 3-inch folding blade was deemed too large.

Lea had a huge anxiety attack while the judge scolded her for not being ready and sternly admonished her to get a lawyer for a mere 25% of the backpay.  Petitioners are supposed to be allowed to bring a friend to help advocate for them, I was not allowed to sit by Lea until I interrupted the judge in mid-rant to ask to be able to advocate for Lea.  The system was tuned more for the benefit of the employees and with less effort to meet the needs of their constituency—the disabled seeking help.

Lea had a major meltdown when we got home in the form of a screaming self-destructive hissy fit after I asked her to move a pile of trash she had placed so that I could not get in the kitchen.  She did not make it to her psychiatrist appointment today.  We have not talked for the last 13 hours.

Today’s reading in Emotional IQ talked about a subset of people colloquially nick-named “the unflappables”.  Their body/physiology can be jacked-up on stress behavior with rapid heartrate, shallow breathing, high blood pressure, sweating, etc, but when asked what is going on, they deny having a problem.  The second sentence in AA’s How It Works, the second sentence is “Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” 

I was concerned that might be my problem after that last round of relapsing last year.  It seems that I just needed to be more rigorously honest—thank god. The difference between having to be rigorously honest and constitutionally incapable of being honest is the difference between hard and impossible.

Lea used on Monday.  Greg last used on Saturday.  Today, neither one of them was capable of communicating with the rest of the world in a healthy productive way.  I do have compassion and empathy for them.  Most of all, I am glad it is not me.  Being rigorously is hard, scary and a lot of work.  Right now, it was well worth the effort to avoid the sort of pain they are in.


I am grateful to be sober today.   It is a lot better than how the alternatives are looking today.

It Could Be Worse

Lacking a positive topic de jour, I will write about a few things that could be worse in my life today. 

While I am adamantly against excessive government intrusion at all levels such as: the militarization of our local police forces with ridiculously overpowered SWAT teams (400 cops made 4 prostitution arrests by the SeaTac airport last week);  NSA evidently tapping all electronic communication; Occupy Wall Street protests being made illegal; and countless incessant reductions of our Constitutional and civil rights in ways large and small; it could be worse.  At least our government has not attacked our citizens with nerve gas like the Syrians have allegedly done.

The war on file sharing and copyright violations is escalating at the behest of our corporate overlords such as the RIAA consortium.  While the RIAA and others with lobbyists want to criminalize file sharing, it has not yet reached putting citizens in prison like was done over the last 40 years in the war on drugs

While our President wants to attack yet another country in the Middle East, it has not happened yet.  He is at least seeking Congressional approval to attack Syria next.  However, the military-industrial-congressional complex rarely sees a potential boondoggle that doesn’t merit further funding.  Boeing has plants or offices in nearly all Congressional districts.  It is a no-brainer that the US will soon be wasting weapons on yet another 3rd world country LDC in the name of “humanitarian efforts”.

I am in a better mood than my morbid gratitude writing is reflecting.  Nonetheless it would be good if we could do more with butter to help the less fortunate than we do with guns to protect ourselves from prostitution, file sharing, phone calls, emails, and crazy LDC politics that have featured warring tribes since the dawn of history.


I am extremely grateful that I do have a peaceful sane community that manages behaviors with social expectations instead of 400-man SWAT raids to arrest 4 hookers or lockup local copyright violators or federal government that uses nerve gas to silence dissension.  That makes for a lot of anxiety that I don’t have to endure. Life is tough enough without that kind of help from our government.  Thank you Bellevue for being a peaceful sane corner of the Universe.  It is good to live in a functional community.

Still Glad It is Not Me

I have not heard from Greg in a week.  He planned on coming home last Thursday.  He is either dead or smoking crack. 

Was going to Mall today with Lea to get a new comforter.  She said she was too tired to go.  I went by myself.  When I got home, she was gone after having leaving a note “be back soon”.  Her drugs of choice are heroin and crack.

Greg has been going to meetings for 20 years and can’t stay sober.   He must have put together a couple of years several times but nothing like that in the last five years. Lea has been going to AA for seven months and once had two months before getting stuck relapsing every couple of weeks for the last two months.

In theory, the AA program should be all I need to stay sober.  It has worked successfully for millions and millions of alcoholics over the last 78 years. 10 or 20 times that number of people attended meetings and failed to stay sober—abstinence and working the steps are vital to making any real progress.

In practice, I find that doing more than AA is helping me a lot.  Practicing gratitude on a daily basis, doing (relatively short) Buddhist style meditating, a deeper relationship with my higher power and studying positive psychology have all helped me close in on six months of sobriety.  Current reads on Emotional IQ and Alcoholism as an Attachment Disorder have motivated me to redouble my efforts in developing more meaningful relationships with others as an anchor to have friends instead of drugs as my primary relationship.

At times, we need to have a selfish program of recovery.  Better them than me volunteering to bring back reports of what it is like out there in active addiction.  I am sure it did not magically get any better in the last six months.


While sad for the pain and angst I imagine my friends to be suffering and for their absence in our relationship, I am even more grateful that it is still not me being the one stuck out there using.

Willingness To Grow

If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.
As Bill Sees It, p. 8

Sobriety fills the painful "hole in the soul" that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery the willingness to grow. Today I am ready to grow.  From the book Daily Reflections


I have been reading Addiction As An Attachment Disorder and Emotional IQ.  The gist of the matter is that I have dysfunctional emotional responses to people, places and things.  The good news is that emotional IQ can be greatly improved with proper effort unlike standard IQ attributes.

My awakening is like a vector in physics that continues unabated in a generally positive direction at a good velocity.


I am grateful for the progress I am making today in my spiritual and emotional awakenings.