I had an 8-month long relapse starting 4 years ago this month. My narrative to myself for that gives great
credence to the cliché I am only as sick
as my secrets. In other words, it
was my lies of omission of not telling my friends and supporters my core truths
of about my thoughts, feelings and actions.
I have been physically and mentally struggling with rapid degradation
of my physical abilities in the last year.
It is like I aged a decade in the last year. A whole bunch of that is reversible with the
right action of diet and exercise.
Unfortunately I am stuck in a bout of depression and self-pity that
wants to avoid being responsible for my own well-being. My thoughts tend towards using and
suicide. That might happen
someday. Right now, I will go read a
book, get some sleep and go to two meetings tomorrow.
I am grateful for better skills and abilities in sharing my thoughts
and feelings with others. They are not
always pretty nor attractive, but sharing them lets the steam out of the insane
pressure-cooker in my mind.
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