Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem

My current read is Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Here is a link to a 20-minute podcast where Neff discusses her research and her book.

Here is an excerpt from article at GreaterGood discussing her book and her conclusions.
So what is self-compassion? What does it mean exactly?

 

As I’ve defined it, self-compassion entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.

This means that unlike self-esteem, the good feelings of self-compassion do not depend on being special and above average, or on meeting ideal goals. Instead, they come from caring about ourselves—fragile and imperfect yet magnificent as we are. Rather than pitting ourselves against other people in an endless comparison game, we embrace what we share with others and feel more connected and whole in the process. And the good feelings of self-compassion don’t go away when we mess up or things go wrong. In fact, self-compassion steps in precisely where self-esteem lets us down—whenever we fail or feel inadequate.

Sure, you skeptics may be saying to yourself, but what does the research show?  The bottom line is that according to the science, self-compassion does in fact appear to offer the same advantages as high self-esteem, with no discernible downsides.

The first thing to know is that self-compassion and self-esteem do tend to go together. If you’re self-compassionate, you’ll tend to have higher self-esteem than if you’re endlessly self-critical. And like high self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with significantly less anxiety and depression, as well as more happiness, optimism, and positive emotions. However, self-compassion offers clear advantages over self-esteem when things go wrong, or when our egos are threatened.

I am by far and away my own worst critic. Practicing self-compassion helps me to be much kinder to myself, more courageous when sharing my thoughts and feelings with others leading to better intimacy/closeness in my relationships.

I am grateful for the self-compassion I am able to give myself and to help others find in themselves.