As a kid, my learned behavior was to quit early on if projects were not going my way. At least a part of that behavior was that it would not hurt so much when I failed to complete projects successfully if I wasn’t really trying that hard. There were many painful unnecessary lessons taught by family members that conditioned me to have that belief system. Part of it was also genetic makeup. Nature and nurture combined lead me to do a half-assed effort before quitting incomplete or poorly completed tasks.
As an addict, I had plenty of tenacity that was not healthy and did not result in long-term rewards beyond the next using session. In recovery, I am learning a healthy form of tenacity and perseverance that enables me to work on the goals I want to achieve in a healthy process-oriented way.
I participate in a 12-step organization that has primary purpose of helping to carry the message to those that still suffer. Carrying the message is done many ways. The formal organizational structure is to be done by service committees. There is a lack of participation on those committees that I don’t really understand. Years of experience is leading me to conclude that is not my issue. My task is to do what I can when possible. Due to a ‘lack of harvesting by others’, there is plenty of low-hanging fruit for me to pick from.
Being an introvert with a profound disability that likes to stay home and play with my computer, things I do tend to be ‘paper oriented’ instead of going out and pressing the flesh at hospitals, schools or other institutions. The old me would be sure that I could do more & better. That is undoubtedly true. The recovered me is grateful to realize what efforts I have made are good enough for today.
I am grateful to be at peace with my life, for being able to be of service to others, and for getting better at counting the blessings in my life instead of counting the woes.
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