A New Laptop From Costco

I need a laptop for the cloud computing class I am taking at Bellevue College.  I want a 17” screen with an Intel i5 CPU and Windows 8.1.   The possible shopping choices are overwhelming.  To simplify matters, I will go to Costco real soon to purchase  a lower/lowest cost laptop that meets my criteria.  Why buy at Costco you ask?  Costco has the best support and return policies with very competitive prices.

I had a nice HP laptop 5 years ago.  I was using it for a home-theater PC.  It was a nice laptop but not a great HTPC.  I sold it after a couple of years.  Now I have seller’s remorse!  Never felt the need to have a laptop again until now.  There is no attraction for me to lug a PC to a coffee shop to surf the web when I have a full kitchen with giant monitors at home (and  I don’t drink coffee).

I am grateful to be able to afford a nice-enough laptop when I need one and for the benefits I get from shopping at Costco.  I have a $47 credit as a rebate from my purchases from last year as an Executive member.

Avoiding Using Behavior

The insanity of addiction goes well beyond merely being intoxicated to a host of unattractive behaviors. 

I took D out to lunch today.  He gave up smoking cigarettes for a New Year’s Resolution.   He spent the money he saved on marijuana.  For a guy with a serious case of schizophrenia, this did not seem to be an improvement in what he smoked.  Usually I do okay with D.  Today was a rough day and I did not enjoy our time together.  After spending his money on drugs, he wanted $2 for cigarette rolling papers.   Only after I gave him the $2 did he tell me that he spent his money on pot this month.   That was annoying.  I am not interested in being tricked into subsidizing the drug use of others by being conned by some half-truth (at best).

On the way home, L wanted to stop by the Rite-Aid pharmacy and get the rest of an antibiotic prescription along with a few other things.   I told her not to dawdle.  She went in, came back 15 minutes later telling me that she had refilled some other Rx and would be right back out after she checked out.  Almost 10 minutes later, she finally came out and was ready to go.   There was three lies in that one stop at Rite-Aid.  1) She was just going to get her antibiotic; 2) she would be right back out; 3) she would not dawdle.  She acted surprised when I expressed being annoyed with her behavior.   The good news is that tomorrow she will have 60 days of not using street drugs.

I did make it clear that what she had done was unacceptable.  I did not make it clear that it was the three lies that were annoying—along with being stuck waiting for well over 20 minutes.  I will do that soon.

Don’t get me wrong, there are undoubtedly many less than perfect aspects to my personality and behaviors.  God knows I need help keeping my life together.  The good news is I am a lot better than how I used to be.

I am grateful for the progress we AA members have made in staying sober and having better relationships in our lives.

The 9th Step Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.  Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.  Are these extravagant promises?  We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.        

It was a dozen years before I felt the 9^th step promises had come true for me.  I was near the end of my 8-month binge in October of 2012 listening to Bruce H read them at my home group when I realized they had come true for me.  It was a completely unexpected pleasant feeling while lacking any sobriety to find I was no longer stuck in horrendous self-pity.

I am grateful that the promises have come true for me.  There are still all-too-frequent intervals of insane thinking, but I a lot better than how it used to be.

The Joy of Sharing

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends — this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.  AA BB  p. 89

To know that each newcomer with whom I share has the opportunity to experience the relief that I have found in this Fellowship fills me with joy and gratitude. I feel that all the things described in A.A. will come to pass for them, as they have for me, if they seize the opportunity and embrace the program fully.

Read the last 8 pages of the 4^th step from the 12x12 with Greg tonight after the 5:30 meeting.  That got me out of my head where I was likely about to have an argument with Lea and my apartment for a few hours.

I gave up waiting on Michelle or Lea to take down the Xmas tree and took it down by myself this afternoon.  That was a well spent 30 minutes.  After getting home tonight, I did a thorough job of vacuuming the apartment while making a roast chicken dinner with steamed veggies.   I did miss swimming today, but feel good about having had a successful day due to working with Greg and taking action to have a cleaner place to live with a healthy dinner.

I am grateful for the tools of the program that have taught me how to take healthy right action to stay in a good mood and avoid getting into or stuck in negative emotions such as anger, self-pity and resentment.  Thank you god and AA.

Alternative Vendors

For the 32 years that I have used a wheelchair, shopping with wheelchair vendors has all too often been a horrible experience.  Last year, three local vendors consolidated into one non-competitive conglomerate.  As was expected, the shopping experience has taken a dismal turn to the worst ever.

Instead of being able to shop at a vendor a mile from home, now I have to go to a difficult to reach part of Lynnwood just to pick up parts.  Their policy is they must install the parts so it requires scheduling to get parts for my wheelchair that I would prefer to install myself.  There is a part I ordered last June, they still have not completed that order.

Fortunately there is an alternative on the far side of the country in Atlanta.  It is less expensive and they ship the parts directly to my home in a far more timely fashion.

I am grateful for shopping alternatives.

Tradition One

“Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.”

My Sunday night home group is a step study meeting.  On the last Sunday of each month, we use the corresponding tradition for a topic.  January is the first tradition and so on.   Tonight we talked about unity.  It was another great AA meeting.

I am grateful for the traditions to help us get along with each other, our groups, AA as a whole and with society at large.  I used to live in singularity—which is pretty much the exact opposite of unity.

Steak and Lobster for Dinner

Last night we had steak and lobster with artichokes for dinner.   It was delicious and I put off posting on my Gratitude blog until late this morning.

I am grateful for high quality meat and produce at all local grocery stores, being able to afford plenty of food and that it all came together in a delicious restaurant quality meal.

Boxley’s Jazz Club

My car was in the shop from Tuesday afternoon to Friday evening leading to 3-day home stay.  After getting my car tonight, I picked up Greg and we went to a meeting in Sammamish.   Then we went to North Bend for a light meal and some jazz at Boxley’s.  The place was empty and we sat in the front by the Casey MacGill jazz trio.

Greg is a jazz buff.  He really enjoyed the show.  They were playing jazz classics from the roaring 20’s.  He had never seen a show like that with over 100 jazz shows under his belt.  The band was fun and made a few jokes with us.  I am sure Greg will see them again.   They play on Wednesdays at the Pink Door club at the Pike Place Market.

I am grateful to have my car back in good running order, meetings in every direction and a great jazz show with dinner for two for $26.

Getting Involved

“There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead." . . . To be helpful is our only aim.  AA big book pp. 88-89

I understand that service is a vital part of recovery but I often wonder, "What can I do?" Simply start with what I have today! I look around to see where there is a need. Are the ashtrays full? Do I have hands and feet to empty them? Suddenly I'm involved! The best speaker may make the worst coffee; the member who's best with newcomers may be unable to read; the one willing to clean up may make a mess of the bank account — yet every one of these people and jobs is essential to an active group. The miracle of service is this: when I use what I have, I find there is more available to me than I realized before.” 

From the book Daily Reflections

I am grateful to be able to take action and be of direct service to others.

Replacing the Catalytic Converter

The catalytic converter went out in my new-to-me 1996 Thunderbird with 69k miles.  Age is definitely a factor in this case.  The car has been in the shop for two nights.   Hopefully it will be ready to go by noon.

My car is a vital part of independent mobility for me.  Local distances are less than a mile to the Alano Club or the store, but the last two blocks coming home have short steep hills that preclude my making it home on my own in my manual wheelchair.

I am grateful to have a reliable car, a schedule flexible enough to allow for being without a car for 48 hours and to be able to afford to maintain the car in keeping with legal pollution standards.

Asking For Help

Our mother needs to file some paperwork after having it notarized.  My sister is in Australia and I can’t interact with my mother safely without a high probability of relapsing on crack cocaine.  I asked my friend Leslee if we could pay her to do this process for us.  She readily agreed to do so and even offered to do it for free.  This is a task I would much rather pay to have done than impose on friend to do it for free.

As non-ambulatory wheelchair user, I find it easy to ask for help at the grocery store for a fellow shopper to help me out to get something off the top shelf.  When it comes to the important things in life, it is much harder for me to ask for help.  I am getting better at admitting my limitations and asking for help.

I am grateful my increasingly open honesty in admitting to when I need help and being able to ask for what I need.

A Lack of Emotional Sobriety, Literacy and Maturity

It has come to my attention after severe consequences that I am seriously lacking in emotional sobriety.  A friend described his own healthy behavior as “it hurts when I do X, so I don’t do X anymore.”  My behavior is all too often trying new and various ways of doing X then being baffled and frustrated when it hurts.

The Alanon phrase de jour is Awareness—Acceptance—Action.  Now I am even more aware of my insane emotionally driven behavior.  I have had an epiphany of acceptance.  Now I simply need to more frequently take right action faster.

I am grateful for additional insight into the exact nature of my wrongs.  I will take more right action to avoid hurt & pain as a consequence of my behavior.

Sponsorship

Went to a three hour meeting at the prison today.  The format was like a podium meeting with a topic of sponsorship.  It was an excellent meeting and I felt a lot better after I left.

I am grateful to have a sponsor and to be a sponsor.

Choices

This is a morning make-up writing after a missed Gratitude blog post last night.   There are many choices in my life today for activities to spend my time on.  Last night involved a late-ish dinner, a movie and reading a Lee Child Reacher book on my Kindle.

Today I am going to prison for a slightly special Sunday meeting, then come home to watch the Seahawks play the Niners for the NFC championship where the winner goes to the Superbowl.

I am grateful for good choices in my life today.

Doing It Anyways

I don’t feel like writing tonight.  More nearly, I want to write but don’t feel any particular topic coming to mind.  I read several affirmations, thought about my day, played with the cats, played chess, and looked at my homework.

Regardless, I am writing anyways for the sake of a foolish consistency—the hobgoblin of little minds everywhere!

I am grateful to have my Gratitude blog writing be such a strongly ingrained part of my daily routine.

Back To School

A friend of mine teaches “cloud” basics at a local college.  He invited me to audit a class for the last few years.  Tonight I made it to my first college class in years.  It was a two hands-on demonstration on how to use the  Amazon EC2 cloud running a virtual Linux pc.  I did not have a login this week but should be able to get one for free next week.  While I have no plans on using the cloud for anything useful, I do like being a lifelong learner and taking classes.

I am grateful for the chance to take a appropriate skill level technology class for free.

A Daily Reprieve

From page 85 of the big book:

 “It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.”

My spiritual condition was a bit rough today judging by my nearly overwhelming desire to smoke crack.  I stayed home all afternoon and evening so I would not be out driving around in my car.  Addiction is insanity.  All the longer-term consequences from using range from bad to horrific, yet the seduction of being high makes this OCD-like thought seem reasonable in my insanity.

I am grateful to be sober tonight.  I thank god and the AA program of recovery from my sobriety.  I could not do it on my own.  

Taking Jenny to the Vet…Again

After not taking my cats to the vet for the first 7+ years, I took Jenny to the vet for the second time in two months.  The vet identified a few problems, gave us some medication and told us to feed her a little Metamucil on her cat food.  Lea got her orange flavored Metamucil.  I hope that works.

I am grateful for two healthy cats, being able to afford a trip to the vet and problems that can be resolved.

More Step Work

Two months ago, Sandy “suggested” in no uncertain terms that I work directly with at least four people by reading the big book with them if not actually sponsor people.  I have accomplished that maybe twice since then.  Clearly I have been balking by my failure to do this on a regular basis.  I will make that a regular part of my weekly activities.  It is a big change for me see that I do have something they want and being able to guide others through recovery.

Greg and I read How It Works Thursday.  Tonight, Lea and I got back to working our way through a Christian 12-step work book for the first time in 33 days.  My plan is to stay after the morning meeting at the Alano Club on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays to read with newcomers.

I am grateful to have friends that support me to live a better life by being of service to others.

Computer Chess

I used to love playing chess with friends in college.  I have not played another person for years.  My game has gone downhill with age and lack of practice.  I do have a 10 year old chess program that I play at the beginner level.  It is my only computer game.  Now it is another outlet for killing time for at most 30 minutes a day besides tv, web surfing and reading.

My best claim to chess fame is that I have beaten the president of the chess club in junior high, high school and college.  That is a nice memory.  Tournament play would have been too stressful for me and my game was not that good.

It is slightly tempting to get some state-of-the-art video games, but for a person with addiction issues, that appears to be a very bad idea.  I have heard too many horror stories of people getting way too involved in their video games.  It is easy to imagine myself getting stuck in the false belief that interacting with other video games is close enough to have real relationships with friends.  I am not going to see if that works or not.

I am grateful for my chess playing skills and for my little chess game.

Seahawks Win Rare Home Playoff Game

The Seahawks football team has the #1 seed in the NFC playoffs.   The won today and so get to host the NFC Championship game next Sunday.  If they win next week, they will go to the Super Bowl for only the second time in franchise history.

I despise the public subsidies of stadiums and tax dodges of the white billionaires and their often minority multimillionaire players.  On the other hand, since we are already stuck with the subsidy costing hundreds of millions of dollars, it is good that our local team is winning.   Might was well try to get our money’s worth out of the deal.

Some ridiculously rich billionaire Seattleites are trying to get another NBA franchise to replace the team that moved to Oklahoma.  It would be great if there was another NBA team in Seattle.  I am adamantly against having to pay their new arena so that they too can own minority players paid for by the public while local infrastructure crumbles.

I am grateful the Seahawks won today.

Actually Having Done Right Action

After a rough week to put an exclamation point on my holiday depression, I got back to taking right action yesterday and today.  Yesterday Greg and I read How It Works from the AA big book.  He is going to do a 4^th step.   Then I went to the prison meeting with Leslee and Lisa last night.  After secretarying this morning’s meeting, I met with Charlie, Margie, Mike and Diana at Crossroads Mall.  Then I went swimming for the first time in a week.  It was good to be back in the pool.

I managed to trigger Charlie’s spoiler alert buttons while talking about the movie The Wolf of Wall Street.  He walked off.  Margie had gone to register at Bellevue College.  Mike, Diana and I read the 10^th step from the 12x12.  I was clearly wrong in having annoyed Charlie enough to walk off.  It was time to make amends.  The 10^th Step was an excellent topic of discussion.  Charlie came back after buying a book (poetry by Alfred Tennyson) at Half-Price books. 

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly—I am a lot better at taking right action than I used to be.  I feel a better now than I have all week, if not longer.

I am grateful for the tools of the program that teach me how to better take right action that helps me to overcome my depression and button-pushing behaviors.  It is a lot better to apologize than have to spend time in self-righteous indignation as a band-aid to cover up my true emotions for having hurt someone else.

An Act of Providence

“It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.   12x12, p. 21

My act of Providence, (a manifestation of divine care and direction), came as I experienced the total bankruptcy of active alcoholism — everything meaningful in my life was gone. I telephoned Alcoholics Anonymous and, from that instant, my life has never been the same. When I reflect on that very special moment, I know that God was working in my life long before I was able to acknowledge and accept spiritual concepts. The glass was put down through this one act of Providence and my journey into sobriety began. My life continues to unfold with divine care and direction. Step One, in which I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable, takes on more meaning for me — one day at a time — in the life-saving, life-giving Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.” 

From the book Daily Reflections

 There is a legal definition for Act of Providence per uslegal.com:

Act of providence is an accident against which ordinary skill and foresight could not guard. This is synonymous to act of God. For certain acts no one can be held responsible. Naturally occurring events that are unavoidable can be considered as act of providence. In such cases, liability will not rest on one person. However, if the consequences of the natural act are foreseeable liability can shift because due diligence was not exercised by a person.

Synonyms for an Act of Providence include: divine intervention; act of god; and miracle.

Alcoholics by definition have issues with depression since alcohol is a central nervous system depressant.  It is a terminal downward spiral for a depressed person to be addicted to a depressant.

There are many miracles at work in my life today.  Not using drugs is a vital first step.  Having a trustworthy simple reproducible program of recovery and living is the key to my building a meaningful life that works for me today.  It is far from perfect and infinitely better than how it used to be.

I am grateful for the Acts of Providence in my life that have enabled me to let go self-pity, dishonesty and self-seeking behavior in ways far beyond the best of my ability.

Better Tools for Chronic Depression

I have suffered from depression since the age of 15 when I put a gun in my mouth and did not pull the trigger hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.  For years, I self-medicated with black market drugs and alcohol in an ultimately futile attempt to feel better.  I will always be prone to depression.

The good news is that I now have a spiritual toolkit to help me find my way when I get into a deeper than usual funk.  The holidays went well enough, but still left me in a bit of a daze.  I have finally learned techniques in that experiential knowledge sort of way—as opposed to book learning or theoretical knowledge way—that relatively quickly help me out of my depression and get me back on track.   Being mindful and taking right action are two vital pieces of a working solution.  My Gratitude blog is huge in helping me avoid even greater depression.

Being mindful calls for living in the moment and not ruminating on the past or future.  Right action has me doing good self-care such as swimming, talking with others or, even better, being of service to others by helping someone else.  That might not lead to mass happiness, but it does help me to have a meaningful life.  That is presumably my most profound possession.  (I don’t know why I go so alliterative at times, but know that I do.   Okay, it is often related to hiding my emotions or pain behind repetitive pronunciations in some sort of mild OCD sort of way.)

My swimming has fallen off from 5ish times a week to twice last week and nothing as of Wednesday night this week.  I plan to go swimming tomorrow for sure.  I will take Lea to Harborview to get Carpal Tunnel surgery on her left hand and then pick her up when she is done.

I am grateful to have better tools to help me deal with my chronic depression.  It is a lot better than now it used to be.

Not My Arctic Vortex

There is a record-cold Arctic front blasting sub-zero temperatures throughout the Midwest and heading towards the east coast with temperatures reaching down to 40° below zero.  It varied between rain, Seattle mist and not raining here today at about 40°.  That is 80° F warmer than Hell, Minnesota.  I can go run errands in those conditions and do not have to be concerned about simply surviving the weather while inside much less going outside.

I am grateful for our temperate weather in Western Washington.  It sure beats extreme alternatives that are too hot or too cold for me.

At The Turning Point

“Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.  AA BB p. 59

Every day I stand at turning points. My thoughts and actions can propel me toward growth or turn me down the road to old habits and to booze. Sometimes turning points are beginnings, as when I decide to start praising, instead of condemning someone. Or when I begin to ask for help instead of going it alone. At other times turning points are endings, such as when I see clearly the need to stop festering resentments or crippling self-seeking. Many shortcomings tempt me daily; therefore, I also have daily opportunities to become aware of them. In one form or another, many of my character defects appear daily: self-condemnation, anger, running away, being prideful, wanting to get even, or acting out of grandiosity.

Attempting half measures to eliminate these defects merely paralyzes my efforts to change. It is only when I ask God for help, with complete abandon, that I become willing — and able — to change.”  From the book Daily Reflections

Due to nature, nurture or being a Pisces, I always been an half-measures kind of guy.  I could see two side to every issue.  There are huge issues with commitment and, presumably, the fear of failure—especially if I were to actually try my best to succeed.

My father was a Taurus.  I envied Taurus for their bullish nature of choosing a direction and going for it with complete abandon.  The downside was that a bad choice of direction led them seriously off course before allowing for the possibility of having made a mistake.

I am getting better of commitment with complete abandon.  That or I am lowering my standards as to what constitutes complete abandon.  Either way, I am getting more distant from my half-measures approach to life and recovery.

I am grateful for my less wishy-washy approach to life.  It is nice not having to overthink every issue before taking action.  Now I strive to take right action asap—or at least reasonably soon!

A New Location for Steppin Up

My Steppin Up homegroup met in a new meeting location tonight.  The meeting is now held at Grace Lutheran Church on NE 8^th in Bellevue one-half mile west of the previous meeting location.  M is the new secretary and her husband, C, chaired the meeting on Step 10.  It was a great meeting.  We average 20 people.  I was surprised to see 30 people at the meeting tonight.

I did not attend a meeting yesterday.  It was good to get back on track tonight. I have committed myself to attending at least 90 meetings every 90 days.  I will need to pick up a spare meeting along the way.  I did go to 17 meetings in the previous two weeks so my average is still intact.

I am grateful for my sobriety, friends in recovery, 12-step literature, and the huge number of meetings in Bellevue and the Eastside and the Greater Seattle area.

Acceptance is the Answer

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.  Page 417.

This quote is from my favorite of the personal stories in the back of the AA Big Book.  It was written by an IV drug addicted doctor hooked on uppers and downers as a way to get through each day.   It tells me that when I am upset, it is a problem in my mind for refusing to accept the world as it is and expecting it to be how I think it should be.

I am grateful for my acceptance today.  It is not perfect, but I am much less frustrated by the world as it is and a lot happier with my life today.

From Powerless to Right Action

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. 12x12 p. 21

It is no coincidence that the very first Step mentions powerlessness: An admission of personal powerlessness over alcohol is a cornerstone of the foundation of recovery. I've learned that I do not have the power and control I once thought I had. I am powerless over what people think about me. I am powerless over having just missed the bus. I am powerless over how other people work (or don't work) the Steps. But I've also learned I am not powerless over some things. I am not powerless over my attitudes. I am not powerless over negativity. I am not powerless over assuming responsibility for my own recovery. I have the power to exert a positive influence on myself, my loved ones, and the world in which I live.

Last year was the best year in my life for learning how to change my attitude from being full of self-pity and helpless to assuming responsibility for how I feel.  With that responsibility, I got the power to change how I feel.  This change does not happen immediately.  There is an inertia to how I feel.  By taking right action, I can apply a force of positive energy towards how I feel.  It is usually more work and slower than I want, but I can now change how I feel in a reasonably timely fashion from a foul mood to having a nice day.

I am grateful for the skills and responsibility I have gained over my feelings and thoughts in the last year by becoming aware of how I feel, accepting how I feel and taking right action.

2014 – Day Two

Last year, I made some New Year’s resolutions that worked out extremely well for me.  So far this year, it seems that I will continue to improve on what I started last year.  One NYR will be to volunteer more with new people in12-step programs or in a structured organization working with at-risk youth.

I am grateful for much emotional growth last year and for my optimistic perspective on having another good year.

Happy New Year 2014!

2013 was a year of great emotional growth for me.  Unfortunately it ended with a foul black mood settling over me on the last morning.  Fortunately, I am now better able to accept my feelings as being just feelings and not bound in the laws of physics like the speed of light.  I took action, went to a meeting and went swimming.  I felt better.

The morning of New Year’s day was less of the same.  I felt less bad and took less action.  I felt somewhat better.

I idly contemplated making a NY resolution for 2014 and came up with nothing…until now.  This year, I am going to take more action towards positive self-care to feel better.  That will include more swimming and working directly with others in early recovery by working the steps with them.

I am grateful to have survived this long and for having better tools to do a better job of self-care as I get older.