Feeling My Feelings

I have read a score of books this year on mindfulness, self-compassion, emotional intelligence, etc., combined with intensive work with acute relapsers, meeting with elders and daily meeting attendance, I have made fantastic progress in actually feeling my feelings instead of the historical passive-aggressive self-pitying victimization that used to be my M.O.

I am now better able to feel, comprehend and possibly identify my feelings in a ways that I was never able to do so before in my life.  When I was a kid, I would cry and be told that was wrong, shameful and unacceptable.  I developed mad skillz in avoiding feeling my feelings that ultimately led in great part to my becoming a drug addict as I tried to self-medicated that which could never get enough medication.

Today I am sober and working on feeling my feelings.  They often baffle me, but it has become an interesting puzzle to work on and okay when I don’t completely understand what I am feeling.   If I don’t learn that moment’s lesson, it is sure to come up again and again until I do finally learn my lesson.  Even then, there are lessons that I will surely have to revisit again and again as I have a built-in forgetter of the finest quality.

I am grateful for my increased emotional maturity, increased trust in the relationship between doing the work and getting the results and for a full day.  Also, Clara is supposed to be here soon to by my old Cougar for $950.  That is the most I have ever sold one of my used cars for in my life.

A Full Day of Being of Service to Others.

Today was filled with recovery activities.  We left early for the clinic to take Michelle by DSHS to get some forms she needed to fill out.  After the meeting, I talked with a guy that drank last night and got fired this morning.   I had him read The Doctor’s Opinion to me.  Then we talked for a few minutes, I gave him my phone number and was on my way.

I got to the pool only to realize it was a bad time to start swimming since lessons started in 20 minutes.  I came home for two hours during which Lea and I finished off the 4^th step in our workbook.  After that, I took Lea to Seattle to meet with lawyer for help with getting on SSI. 

Two hours later I had a ticket for parking in the loading zone and we were on our way home.  We picked Michelle so she and Lea could take a beginning beading class at Ben Franklin in Redmond.  Michelle wanted to go to a meeting and I went to the beading class with Lea.  For $5 each, we got lessons on how to crimp bead wire endings, tools and the materials to make one bracelet.  It went well.

We finished beading with enough time for me to make the night swim. I came home to make dinner and relax.  Michelle was gone.  Turned out she had stayed at the Alano Club for two meetings.  She called for a ride home.  When I picked her up, she asked if Libby could spend the night since she had got kicked out of her Oxford house this morning after testing positive for “poppy seeds”.

I had dinner and realized I had a newcomer on my hands for the second time today.  Libby read The Keys to the Kingdom, the story of the first woman in AA that also started AA in Chicago.  Now I get to write my Gratitude blog.

I am grateful for a full day recovery and of being of service to others.  It sure beats sitting home isolating by myself.

It Does Not Have To Be Eloquent

I had a nice version of my basic good day with swimming in the morning, an afternoon meeting, dinner at the table with Lea and Michelle, TV watching and Kindle reading.  Even got two emails from my two day old Craigslist ad for my Cougar-which puts it somewhere around 400-600 ads deep in the cars for sale section.  I have two prospective buyers.  One had to leave town for work for a couple days and the German lady needs to make sure her insurance will cover it due to it being a 20 year old car.

I am grateful for having ordinary pleasant days filled with the routine habits including swimming, meeting, and my Gratitude blog post.

A Good Day

Today we went to the clinic with Lea, a morning meeting, lunch with Sandy, swimming, and dinner followed by a Christian12-step meeting.  In between that, I read my kindle, watched TV and took a nap.

I am grateful for a good day of recovery and being in service to others.

A Make-Up Post

Having missed yesterday’s Gratitude blog, I am writing a second one today as a disincentive for future skips.  Had a good meeting tonight.  Lea swam for an hour with me today, that was at least 15 minutes more time in the water than her previous best.  Michelle got asked Tara to be her sponsor.  Lea is going to meet with Margie at Crossroads Mall on Friday when I meet with Charlie.  When I got up and went to the kitchen this morning, Lea and Michelle were sitting her their room playing beads like little girls would play Barbie.  It was too cute.  Leslee teared-up when I told her about their beading time during our Sunday evening walk at Bell Square before the meeting.  Clara came by to look at buying the Cougar today, that did not go so well since it had a dead battery after not being started for a week.

I am grateful for all of the above.  Now we are going to have air-popped popcorn and watch Brad Pitt in World War Z.

A Raggedy Week of Habits

My plan for daily habits/routine is to swim and go to a meeting every day.  In the last 8 days, I swam 4x and went to 7 meetings.  My levels of self-care are vastly better than how it used to be and my self-destructive behaviors are a lot more mild than ever before.  I also went out to eat 5x.  All that was a mixed bagged of relationship building and eating too much. 

Yesterday I did not write in my Gratitude blog for the first time in months.  I am writing this morning and plan to write again tonight.  It is best to do my daily habits once a day instead of in bunches.  It is better for me and my addict mind do them in bunches than skip over missed events altogether.  The make-up works helps me to stop my addict mind thinking from talking me out of healthy behaviors by knowing that I will have to do whatever activity sooner or later as opposed to not have to do it at all.

I am grateful for my progress in having healthy daily routines and that my self-destructive behavior consists of not going swimming or dining out with friends instead of smoking crack.  That is miraculous fantastic progress that I could not have done on my own.  I owe my success to my higher power, AA and my friends in recovery.  Even my shortcomings are better today!

A Chat With Bernadette

Met with Bernadette at Crossroads Mall today for lunch and a chat.   We last met back in May at which time we each agreed to get more exercise.  That was the start of my daily swimming routine.  Her exercise led to a discussion with her family doctor about her being unable to do much.   That led to her getting five heart bypass procedures and open heart surgery.  She is doing much better now.

Michelle had lunch with us. Lea came by later after a visit with Nancy at the Intergroup office.  Michelle, Bernadette and I had a discussion about our highest calling.  We all want to be able to help other people.   Michelle wants to work with low-bottom women alcoholics that have been homeless and are trying to find sobriety, recovery and get a life.  Bernadette became a certified life coach but has not done much with that in the two years since becoming certified.  She hopes to get back to it after her health stabilizes. 

Bernadette’s analysis/feedback of her perception of me is that I am good at providing consistent support to others while also giving them unvarnished kind loving input about what needs to be done to make progress on getting their lives together.  It sounded good to me.  Not sure how good I am at it, but no matter what it is well worth trying to be of service to others.  I certainly don’t have anything better to do with my life than help others.  At the very least, I will be a better person for my endeavors and might actually help other alcoholics get recovery.

I am grateful for my relationship with Bernadette.  She inspires me to have greater faith in my ability to help others.  She certainly inspired me to go from dangerously unfit and overweight last May to being far more physically fit and losing weight through swimming.

Lunch With Mark

Went to lunch with Mark in Woodinville today.   I don’t have many guy friends that I get together with on a regular basis.  We do lunch 3-5 times a year and have done so for a decade. 

Our lives have gone in different directions.  He is happily married with 5 children and an extremely successful career.  I have never been married, had children and not much of a work history.  We do have the commonality of being sober alcoholics in recovery.  Mark has 25 years and I have 7 months.  I am happy for him for his successes.  He has worked hard all his life to achieve what he has.

We mostly talk about life and being happy.  He has had some problems with depression.  I am making great progress in dealing with my chronic depression.   He will talk about politics for a bit.  Our viewpoints are skewed by our financial perspectives.  He is somewhere near close to being a 1%.  I live on a pension.  They are interesting conversations and I really appreciate his friendship.

I am grateful for friends like Mark with different perspectives and life experiences they will share with me.  As a kid, I daydreamed about having a life a lot like his is now with a wife, children of my own and a nice career.  It is nice to see someone living the dream in a healthy sort of way.

A Trip Pike Place Market With Michelle

Dropped Lea off at the UW Dental School where she had her second-to-the-last fitting for her dentures.  Presumably she will have her new dentures next week.  Tried calling Dan for lunch, but he was at his doctor’s office.  Michelle and I went to Pike Place Market to wander around like tourists for an hour or two.  We took our pictures by the bronze pig, bought flowers and split a bratwurst, sauerkraut and potato lunch at the Bavarian Market.  A little more sightseeing at the Market and it was time to go pick up Lea.

A couple of errands on the way to take them home and it was time for my swim.  Swim time goes a lot faster if I talk with others while swimming/treading water.  I am becoming a veritable social butterfly at the pool.  Chatted with Jan and Debbie this afternoon after a vigorous start that was followed by a strong finish.   I was extremely tired when I got home and slightly tight when I woke up from my nap—it was a perfect swim.

I am grateful for my vastly improved social skills fueled by my recent insights into how important relationships and interactions with others is to proper mental hygiene and health.  Sandy’s challenge to talk with others throughout the helped put that in more concrete terms.  

Craigslist

I love Craigslist in concept and in practice.  I just listed my old Cougar for sale on CL for $950.  Looking through the list of old ads that I had posted, I could see where I had sold my previous Thunderbird 5.5 years ago.  That was nice since I could not remember when I had bought the Cougar.  Now I know.

Lea loved going to yard sales to shop for clothes and stuff for her room.  My 3G smart phone is too slow for much web surfing, but it worked well enough for surfing CL for garage sales in Bellevue on Saturday mornings.  For less than $100 and a little dumpster diving at the apartment complex, she was able to furnish her room with cute girly decorations.

Newspapers used to heavily subsidize their subscription costs with overpriced classified ads.  CL almost single-handedly wiped them out with free ads for most things and paid ads for jobs in selected regions (major cities in the US), NYC apartment rental ads, therapeutic services, and tickets by dealers.

Free CL ads enable greater re-use of items that might previously been thrown out such as the beginner’s beading kit I got for $10 this summer or been much more of a hassle to sell than taking a few pictures of my car and placing a short ad with color pics on CL.

I will miss the iGoogle RSS reader which is shutting down in ten days.  iGoogle has been my homepage since it was launched in 2005.

I am especially grateful for the websites and social change that Craigslist.org, Google.com, and wikipedia.org. While I use Outlook on my primary PC, it is convenient to be able to access Gmail and Hotmail emails from any web-enabled device.

Michelle Came Home Today

Lea and I left for the clinic and a meeting 20 minutes behind our usual time of 9 AM.  That worked out well because we picked up Michelle a block from the apartment just before we took a right turn to head away from the bus stop.  She came along to the morning meeting and then came home before Lea and I headed to her therapist and lunch with Sandy for me.

Tonight Michelle and I went to the 12-step bible study meeting.   They had cold french toast and warm potato salad for dinner.  The salad was better than the toast.  The meeting was better than the dinner.

I am grateful Michelle made it back and went to two meetings with me today.  She really enjoyed the bible study group.  She used to be a pastor’s wife until her husband died of a heart attack 13 years ago.  It is good for me to be of service to others.

A Slothful Day

My cough from two weeks ago is back in a slightly bothersome way.  I held off on going swimming, for a walk with Leslee (she likes to avoid communicable diseases when possible), and my Sunday night homegroup. 

Our current homegroup meeting location, Bellevue 1^st Congregational Church, is on the market for $50M which is motivating the church to ask renters to have/buy liability insurance as part of their effort to woo potential buyers. They were very good to us over the years and we appreciate their hospitality.  

It looks like we will be moving to Grace Lutheran Church after 22 years at 1^st Congregational.  I did go to GLC to meet with Kris this afternoon.  She was very welcoming.  At least four other 12-step groups have moved to GLC this year.  GLC is also getting a new pastor, so this is also a bit of an outreach trend for them as they continue to evolve in providing services to west Bellevue neighborhoods.

I am grateful that things are going well enough in my life that I can afford a day of sloth.  I made scrambled eggs with cheese, watched some NFL football, read my Kindle, took a nap and was extra nice to Lea while she was feeling considerably under the weather.  I hope to be swimming again tomorrow and selling my old Cougar this week.

Dinner and a Meeting with the Morning Group

Six of us went to dinner at Crossroads Mall tonight and then off to a meeting.  It was one their first sober social events for at least two of them.  We had a nice conversation at the mall.   It was good to get out with others that were also new in recovery.

Several others wanted to go but did not make it due to a lack of money or the wherewithal to go to a public social event.  I feel for them.  They also serve as a yardstick to show my progress in being to help organize and participate in sober social events.

I am grateful for new friends, new activities and for making new positive relationships with healthy people.

Dinner With Toni

Toni and I met at the Bellevue Square Mall tonight to talk and have dinner.  She and her team had surveyed every AA meeting location in the district (Mercer Island, Bellevue, and Redmond) to determine which meetings were wheelchair accessible.   We went over the results.  Bellevue likely has the highest density of accessible meetings north of the Bay Area.  It is a great place to live if you are in a wheelchair and go to AA meetings like I do.

We had skirt steak at the 3^rd floor Café at Nordstrom’s.  That is the same place we went to dinner for my Birthday in March and for Toni’s birthday in July.  The meal was delicious and the conversation went well.   I really like Toni.  She is a smart kind insightful lady that has been very supportive to me in the few years that we have become better friends.  Her support has helped me better support Lea—god knows I could not help her as I have without getting lots of help for myself.

I am grateful for Toni’s friendship, her wisdom and infectious happiness.

Being Exactly Where I Should Be

While swimming in a nearly empty pool this afternoon, I was struck by the blissful sensation that I was in the best place I could possibly be for good self-care and that there was not a better place in the entire world that would be better for me.  It was a great sensation to know and feel in my heart and mind that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I swam for my current standard of a little over an hour.  The pool was so empty that I got to swim longer laps by swimming from a corner of the 4.5 feet deep end to near the lengthwise middle of the pool where it is 3.5 feet deep.  It was a like a right-triangle and so I calculated my laps were 41% longer than usual.  It turned out that mattered because a couple hours after I got home and woke from my nap, my shoulders were on the sore side of tight.  They feel great now.

Five months ago, I was looking at being homebound due to being so overweight and out of shape.  Now I am slowly losing weight and am much more fit.  That feels a lot better.  The change from a dismal fitness future to an optimistic redemption of hope is priceless.  I renewed my 3-month pass today—a week early.  This was one bill that I wanted to be sure was paid before services expired!

I am grateful for a close convenient wonderful place for me to swim, for having the resources to get to the pool and to be able to afford to swim every day.  There are many people that have to take the short (Access) bus and/or can only afford to come once a week.  I have compassion for them and they make me appreciate what I have all the more.

Health Care Advocacy Skills — Carpal Tunnel and Lea

Gave Lea a ride to Harborview this morning to a hand-surgeon about her carpal tunnel in both wrists.  Handicapped parking at Harborview is always tight in the late mornings.  After exploring the entire garage in the new-ish 9^th & Jefferson building, we finally found a parking spot near the exit. 

Up on the sixth floor, the two person line to check-in took as long as the rest of the wait.  It was not too bad for being towards the end of the morning clinic sessions.  Sometimes they can run really late.  Long waits seem to be mostly a thing of the past with better scheduling technology.

The surgeon gave her a shot of cortisone in her right wrist last month.  Within a day, the carpal tunnel symptoms were greatly reduced.  After 3-4 weeks, the pain came back although maybe not as bad as it was a month ago.  Today he gave her a shot in the left wrist.

Between being on Medicare and going to the public health clinic & pharmacy, Lea has problems getting her prescriptions filled.  She gets a new doctor about every month.  What kind of doctor works in a clinic for a month or two?  Continuity of care is as likely as seeing a Unicorn.  Now she is out of all her medications for depression, anxiety and problems sleeping.  While I have not actually seen narcolepsy, her falling asleep 5-10 per hour for a few minutes has to be some sort of sleep disorder.  60 seconds of Wikipedia research suggests hypersomnia of some sort.

She is not a good advocate for herself when dealing with health care professionals.  She is a great candidate for a permanent surgical solution to her carpal tunnel in her right wrist.  Between being barely conscious, off her meds and lack of advocacy skills, she would have been passed-over for surgery had I not briefly advocated for her.  Lea definitely did not interpret the clinic appointment interaction the same way I saw it.  If she can keep making her appointments, she might have surgery by the end of the year.

I am grateful for my health care advocacy skills, for being able to help someone less fortunate and for another nice swim this afternoon.

Coffee With Dave, Robin Lynn and Lea

Picked up Dave at the south Bellevue Way Park & Ride this morning on the way to a noon meeting and coffee at Crossroads Mall.  Robin Lynn meet us at the meeting.  We were not the most socially skilled group to ever get coffee at QFC, but we did it in our own inimitable way.  I bought them coffee and a donut while I had water and a donut.  It was kind of funny, I don’t even know how to buy coffee.  Lea got a raspberry mocha and they got plain coffee.  For plain coffee, you have to fill your own cup from a thermos urn.  When the clerk pointed towards the urns, I thought she was telling us to get out of the store and that was rude… or more nearly… she was being helpful to the clueless!

It was a full car on the way from the meeting to the mall.  Robin Lynn has a service dog that is the size of a small Golden Retriever.  She sat in the front seat with the dog in her lap.  Lea and Dave sat in the back.  The trunk on the new green Thunderbird is the same size by volume as the last Cougar, but it is a bit deeper in depth and does not stretch so far forward.  That slight increase in depth makes it a lot easier to put my wheelchair in the trunk.

Robin Lynn left us to go shopping at the mall.  Lea felt poorly and sat in the car while Dave and I talked for another 15 minutes.  I drove Dave to the Alano Club, dropped Lea off at the apartment and had a nice swim.

By the time we left the meeting, the morning fog had burned off and it was a pleasant Fall day  on the Eastside with the Fall leaves turning beautiful shades of orange and red as the trees turn from Summer’s green giants to Wintery stick figures.

I am grateful for sunny days, new friends, a deeper trunk, coffee, donuts, a mall that makes a wonderful “third place” to meet with friends, a vigorous swim, and fall TV shows.

A Swim And A Meeting

I went swimming at 7:15 tonight for 40 minutes.  On Monday nights, there is a dinner and Christian 12-step meeting at the church across NE 8^th from the pool.  Got there a bit late due to swimming but still enjoyed a good discussion on the 3^rd step and god (okay, it was on…God).

Sandy had abandoned all pretense at subtle suggestions today at lunch when she ordered me to go do coffee with 4 people this week.  The point was not for me to drink coffee—which I don’t do—but to put myself out there to being relationship with and of service to others. 

So far, so good.  Michelle called shortly after I got home and I bought her a sandwich and talked about her getting sober and not spending another winter homeless in the jungle in Seattle.  She makes the argument that she is not homeless.  Living in a tent under a bridge is definitely homeless in my world.

After the tonight’s meeting, I talked with a fellow I had chatted with a few times about going out for coffee.  We are going to do a noon meeting and coffee tomorrow.  Another lady I gave a ride home to after the meeting might join us.

Lea stayed home from all that claiming her anxiety was bothering her.  She called me arrogant when I pointed out the Mayo clinic said exercise is good for anxiety and ALL 12-step programs advise against isolating at home.   Reflecting on what her calling me “arrogant” while swimming, I realized she might not know what arrogant means.  Refuting 56.2M Google hits for exercise anxiety and all 12-step program advice is both arrogant and a classic example of self-will run riot.

I had a wonderful day.  Lea is nearly overwhelmed by anxiety.  I am grateful for my spiritual program of action being in relationship with and of service to others.

95 Minutes Of Swimming

I swam for 95 minutes today.   That was probably the longest continuous swim session in my life.  My mind was obsessing on negative thoughts and others when I got in the pool.  By the time I got out of the pool, I was relaxed and pleased with myself.  Parts of the swim session were very vigorous, it was all constant motion.

I came home to lunch, watched the Seahawks win a pleasant come-from-behind victory, took a nap, drove to my Sunday night home group, walked a few blocks to the library, got a three books and walked back to another good first step meeting at my home group. 

The downtown Bellevue library is one the biggest and best of the King County Library System.   The KCLS is the largest, by items checked, library system in the country.  It is a fantastic resource in our community.

My home group, Steppin Up, is a step study group.  In the 8 years I have been going there, we have done 32ish first step meetings over the years.  Going to a step study meeting every week serves to reinforce the basics of the AA program to me: stay sober; go to meetings; get a sponsor; work the steps; and help others.

I am grateful for a great swim, a great football game, a great library, and a great meeting.  It was a good day.

A Trip To Echo Glen

Leslee and I went to Echo Glen for an AA meeting with kids after she invited me to go this afternoon.  Echo Glen is like a nice upscale kiddie prison.  They have a recovery lodge, among others, that kids can stay in for 3ish months at a time.  It was the first time I had gone since January.

I talked about my roommate’s using, sobriety, relapse and having gone back to prostitution today.  Actually, I read them a letter that I had written to her in my best Alanon/AA form reviewing the year from incomprehensible demoralization on January 1^st to 7 months of methadone to using twice in a week to prostitution two days later is classic alcoholic behavior for the week before she finally gets her dentures and carpal tunnel surgery scheduled.  She is snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  It takes a lot of recovery to be able to handle success without self-destructing.   She clearly lacks that enough recovery to handle success at this time.

Normally the lodge is 8 boys and 8 girls.  Tonight it was 3 boys and 12 girls.  I read the letter early on.   Every girl that shared had been raped, molested or pimped by a family member.  One girl had been pimped-out for drugs by her mother when she was very very young.  It was the most intense meeting Leslee and I had ever been to—and we have gone to a prison meeting every month for years.  There was a lot of healing.  Two kids were squirming in their chairs like they had a bad case of fleas.  Normally that would annoy me a lot (well it did tonight too…) but I had the insight, compassion and empathy to realize that, they too, were victims of sex abuse and it was hard for them to sit and listen to others talk about it.

I am grateful for the love and support I get from my friends, that I was not sexually abused, that I am sober today, for great meetings and for being able to be of service to someone else in lieu of isolating at home with my own best thinking.

A Classier Set Of (Car) Problems

For the first time in 34 years, I have two cars in reliable good working order.  I am having new shocks and such installed on the new (to me) car and was planning on picking it up next Tuesday while driving the old car around for the last week before I sell it.  Things changed.

The old car had a battery/starter problem tonight after the meeting and would not start.  Charlie and Margie tried to jump start me and that did not work.  We left the car at a church after my 9^th  AA meeting this week. They gave me a ride to my mechanic’s shop to see if the new car was outside so I could drive it home.  It was inside the shop.  They gave me a ride home and I am carless for the night.

C & M will give me a ride to the repair shop tomorrow morning.  I will get my new car and then have the old car towed to the shop to be repaired.  I might have to juggle cars for another week, but it is not a panic driven emergency by any stretch of the imagination.  I will have the old car repaired before I sell it to somebody needy cheap reliable transportation.  I believe the car still has at least another 60,000 miles left in it before it becomes unreliable transportation.

In my using days, a dead car would leave me stranded and powerless to solve the problem since I spent all my money on drugs.  I will have to wait until Tuesday to pay the mechanic in full for the work.  That is not expected to be a problem.  Now all I have to do is get one car from the shop when it opens on Saturday morning and have the other towed for free by my auto insurance to be repaired.  I have reliable friends to give me a ride.

I am grateful for a higher quality of problems today.

Consequences

It used to be that consequences always meant an unwanted result of previous poor choices in behaviors and actions.  Now consequences are most often a good thing.  I choose to go to meetings, work with a sponsor, help others, read the literature and am now able to live a happy sober life every day.  Of course I still get irritated by events in my life, but I don’t get sucked into everlasting sense of guilt and shame.  Being focused on the process, I get to turn the results over to my higher power.

I am grateful for having made generally successful transition from being focused on the results to being focused on the process.  Doing my best during the process yields my best chances at the results I want.  That is infinitely better than doing nothing while worrying about the results.

Seeing Myself In Others

Most of my life I was terminally unique and did not feel much commonality with others while talking with them.  There was a gaping lack of compassion and empathy in my relationships that was driven by fear of emotional intimacy.  My emotional intelligence was on par with an IQ of retarded.  I did not know how to do healthy relationships.

Today when listening to others, I hear the commonality and have stopped listening for the differences.  Seeing more of myself in others enables me to be more honest and open when talking with others when I realize how much we do have in common.

I see more of myself in Lea than I ever have with another person, especially those negative traits were a part of my using persona which was essentially my personality before recovery.  Today she did her 5^th of 7 fittings to get dentures via the UW Dental School.  The process is almost complete.  Judging by her having been gone for hours, she is out using.  That is classic alcoholic behavior of self-destruction right before an important long sought really good goal comes into fruition.

She is frustrated by and complains about the 40 pounds she has gained while on methadone for 7 months.  She declined to go swimming with me tonight.  I was all too often stuck in the problem (whatever it was) and could not take action on implementing obvious solutions aka paralyzed by fear.    Today I am able to work a spiritual program of action that provides me with enough faith and courage to take solution-oriented action that will help me get what I want.

A good friend was a nurse at the psych ward at Harborview.  She said the saddest cases were the people that almost got it together and then screwed-up/self-destructed.  Lea is in that boat.  She obviously wants to get a life that works (which can really only be done by being sober in recovery by the AA paradigm my friends and I live by), yet she is overwhelmed by fear and PTSD conditioning that keeps her balking from success.  I certainly used to be like that.  There is a reason I only have 6.5 months of sobriety after 14 years of AA meetings.

Today I get to watch Lea and not have to keep reliving those same self-destructive behaviors myself while thinking thank god that is not me having to live like that.

I promised Lea to help her get dentures.  After that, if she does not do the work to get and stay sober I will have to let her go.  Doing the work and being sober is best case scenario.  I would rather have her do the work and intermittently relapse versus not doing the work and not relapsing—that is an unstable unhealthy nerve-wracking negative situation just waiting to explode. It is unlikely, more nearly statistically impossible, she will land on her feet in a better recovery oriented living situation than a decent 2-bedrooom apartment in Bellevue that is three miles round-trip to the methadone clinic, the grocery store and 80 meetings a week at the Alano Club.

I am grateful to see so much of myself in Lea, for being able to use her object lessons to help me stay sober one day at a time and for my firm belief in the viability of AA’s 12-step spiritual solution for the treatment of alcoholism one day at a time.

Tape As A Band-Aid And Other Uses

I get more than my share of minor cuts and scrapes.  White medical tape works a lot better for me than Band-Aids.  Tonight I manage a small cut on the tip of my right middle finger on a dinner knife while doing the dishes.  It was the sort of thing most people would put a Band-Aid on.  They peel right off my finger while pushing my wheelchair around.  A healthy dose of tape stayed on even during my 50 minute swim tonight and is still on 3 hours later after a fair amount of hand activity tonight.

I use all kinds of tape:  Teflon tape for when the “feet” come off my computer mouse; duct tape for holding things together; paper, fabric, and plastic medical tape for wound care; scotch tape on paper; packing tape on boxes; black electrical tape on wiring; and so on.

I am grateful to have lots of tape here at my apartment for whatever I need whenever I need it.  Especially when I am bleeding and need to staunch the flow of my anti-coagulated blood!

Reading Comprehension

We went to a 12-step meeting based on the bible tonight at a Four Square church.   They had dinner before the meeting.  The meeting consisted of a short reading and a discussion on the reading.  That was as much as I have studied the bible in my life.  I enjoyed most of the meeting.  Lea was not feeling well and we left early.

If I could have lunch with anybody in the history of the world—it would be Jesus.  I reckon we would have wine, bread and fish.  After lunch, I would hit him up for a healing!  The downside of organized religion for me is those who have an overwhelming obsession to force their beliefs on others in the name of the one true god whether it be mammon, Allah or Jehovah.

The last lady to talk before we left demonstrated a clear lack of comprehension of the several hundred words we read while ranting about the exact opposite of what we read.  Her rant was like the worst of the religion to me.  Illiterate, hateful and fearful while completely misinterpreting what was written in black and white.  I wanted to rebut her statements with the written words we had just read.  Lea’s not feeling well and wanting to leave at that moment was a timely blessing.  There is little chance my words or the words in a bible are going to turn an illiterate fear-mongering middle-aged woman into a literate person with a kind and loving god in five minutes or less.  With better healthier boundaries and a few minutes reflection, I get to recognize it is not my job to save others from themselves.

I am grateful for the reading comprehension that I do have and for healthier more socially well-adjusted boundaries.

Swimming Again

After a 15 day layoff from swimming due to a just-bad-enough-to-keep-from-swimming cough, I made it back in the pool for an hour today.  It felt good to be back and the afterglow from exercise feels great.   I am sure I will sleep well tonight.

I am grateful to be healthy again,  well enough to swim, to be able to afford the pool fee, have a car to drive to the pool and the wherewithal to be able to do it on my own.

Roast Chicken

I love oven roasting chickens on a rack in a small roasting pan with a little water in the bottom of the pan for easy cleaning and slightly faster cooking.  I started tonight’s chicken before a meeting, went to the meeting, chatted with others after the meeting, came home, turned the chicken over to brown the other side and had a delicious roast chicken with rice dinner.

After dinner, I deboned the chicken and have a pound of leftover chicken for sandwiches or microwave quesadillas.  

Back in the day, I used to make a list for grocery shopping.  Since the advent of customer loyalty card sales, now I typically buy whatever is one sale.  99¢/lb chickens are hard for me to resist.  For less than $6, we got a healthy dinner for two with leftover chicken. 

On a side note, I can’t help but think there is some sort of market distortion (subsidy?) going on to keep chicken sale prices under a dollar per pound.   It seems like that has been the same low price for the last ten years.  According to the BLS, chicken prices per pound went from 87¢ in 1993 to 104¢ in 2003 to 150¢ in 2013.  That does not seem likely.  Hard to imagine grocers selling meat in Bellevue for 33% less the US city average.  A couple other quick searches seemed even more unreliable such as Index Mundi having gas prices at 49¢/gallon in 1993.

Now that the summer weather has gone away, I love roasting meats in the oven in the cooler days for a hot dinner in a warm apartment. 

I am grateful for the incredible selection of foods at local grocers, great sale prices, Google search, weird number trivia, electricity, safe hot & cold running water, cheap salt, dish soap, tons of local meetings, plates and forks!

Seeking And Getting Advice From Others

I am pretty good about following medical advice from my doctors’.  I was nowhere near that standard when it came to getting help from others when dealing with personal issues.   That is part and parcel of a life of isolation and solitude resulting in a horrible degradation of the choices I have made in my life.

I learned to not talk about my plans in my family of origin.  It was akin to having an open wound and asking them to pour salt on it.  I was devoiced as a child and still carry the impact of that experience with me to this day. 

Fortunately there are ways of mitigating my strong propensity to isolate my thoughts and feelings from others.  12-step meetings are a fantastic place to learn how to share my feelings with others.  Meeting with Mike and Charlie at the mall every Friday teaches me how to talk about my thoughts and feelings with other men.

I had considered saying hello to my mother whom I have not seen in 18 months.  She is going to fly to Australia to see my sister next week.  It would be nice to let her know that I love her and wish her a safe happy trip.  Unfortunately, talking with my mother is also my biggest trigger for relapsing on crack cocaine.

I talked it over with Mike and Charlie.  Typically their feedback consists of telling a story when they had a similar situation.  With respect to seeing my mother with its high potential for using, their response was a resounding NO!  The downside risk far outweighs the upside potential.  I hope my mother has a nice trip.

I am grateful to have mentors to talk about my thoughts and feelings with and for their wisdom when it comes to making choices before I take action. An ounce of prevention is worth infinitely more than a pound of cure for a disease like alcoholism that can’t be cured.

A Nine Month Review My 2013 New Year’s Resolutions

At the beginning of the year I committed to the two new habits of going to 90 meetings in 90 days and writing a Gratitude blog post every morning.   Aside from a relapse in March, I have gone to more than 90 meetings every 90 days by maybe an extra 5 or ten meetings.  I have written 256 posts out of 276 days.  It turned out that writing at night works better for me.

In June I added the habit of swimming every day.  That went well until the pool closed for a month in late August.  I got back to swimming for a week and then got a cough that has kept me out of the water.  My cough is better now.  I hope to go swimming again tomorrow.

I have several other new habits for the year.  I meet with Charlie and Mike every Friday at Crossroads Mall.  Their friendship, wisdom and support has helped me a LOT this year.  I try to read affirmations and meditate every morning.  My reading consistency is pretty good.  The meditation practice is going great and has changed my mind (thought patterns) so that I have much less anxiety and depression by helping me stay in the present moment.

I have worked hard to make these changes and am proud of my achievements.  I am grateful for my consistent practice and for the wonderful results.  There were a few happier times in my life, I never had this much serenity.

The Acid Test

From the book Daily Reflections for October 2^nd

As we work the first nine Steps, we prepare ourselves for the adventure of a new life. But when we approach Step Ten we commence to put our A.A. way of living to practical use, day by day, in fair weather or foul. Then comes the acid test: can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions?  12x12, p. 88

I know the Promises are being fulfilled in my life, but I want to maintain and develop them by the daily application of Step Ten. I have learned through this Step that if I am disturbed, there is something wrong with me. The other person may be wrong too, but I can only deal with my feelings. When I am hurt or upset, I have to continually look for the cause in me, and then I have to admit and correct my mistakes. It isn't easy, but as long as I know I am progressing spiritually, I know that I can mark my effort up as a job well done. I have found that pain is a friend; it lets me know there is something wrong with my emotions, just as a physical pain lets me know there is something wrong with my body. When I take the appropriate action through the Twelve Steps, the pain gradually goes away. 

My recent insights into my emotional literacy is amazing in an appalling sort of way to realize just how far off the beaten path I had strayed or failed to travel—pick your metaphor.  In the past when have a feeling of angst or confusion, I would try to tune it out as some unrecognizable emotional white noise.  Either way, I would strive to ignore the message.  Now I know that agitation is my (subconscious?) mind trying to communicate with conscious mind to tell it important information such as I did not feel right about whatever just happened or maybe that something good just happened.

Today I am much more receptive to getting and comprehending these emotional signals.   Thus I am that much closer to being able to communicate my feelings and thoughts with others during our conversation instead of gasping with insight in the middle of the night.

I am grateful for my increased emotional literacy and look forward to becoming even more skilled at handling my emotions in successful positive ways.

Home Alone

Lea had 29 days today.  Michelle had a week.  We went to a noon meeting and came home. They left for a walk at 2 PM and have not been back for at least eight hours.  It is a given that they are using drugs.  It is a sad situation. 

Years ago, both of them walked away from their families and children in pursuit of their addiction.  They are in their 40s with felony convictions.  Their health has been comprised by using and lack of timely healthcare.  The next big thing they have left to lose is their lives.  To paraphrase the 12x12, addiction [alcohol] is a rapacious creditor.

We read the first step at the mall last Friday with Charlie.  I recently had the insight into the conditions of the term rapacious creditor.  Now it means to me that drugs will front a high for a short time but take everything we have or hold dear in payment for that high—along with having to pay for the drugs in the first place.

I have always had using thoughts.  In AA we say we are not responsible for our first thought but we are responsible for our second thought.  Now my second thought is to pray to have the obsession/obsessive thinking removed by my higher power.  That has worked well for me.

I miss Lea and Michelle.  I am glad that I am not out their using with them.  It takes Lea three weeks to go through the cycle of calm after using, angst, anger and then back to being happy.  It is wearing and not fun.  I promised I would help her get her dentures.  She has two more fittings before she gets them.  Something has got to change.  Hopefully she will get tired enough of being sick and tired to do the work to stay sober.  Michelle got stuck out there for two months last time she used.  Winter is coming.  It has to be rough as a homeless 45 year old female drug addict with arthritis during winter in Seattle.

I am grateful that there is a solution and that I am living in the solution today.  It sucks that they are stuck in active addiction.  It is good that I have a bird’s eye view of the insanity.  Right now, it is not attractive.  That is good enough for today.