Gift giving was horribly painful and confusing from my childhood. My father was a Pan Am pilot who frequently flew to Taiwan and Japan. He occasionally brought back really cool toys such as a Sony rechargeable portable AM/FM radio about the size of a hard-cover book, a copy of Mao's Little Red Book, a Victorinox Swiss Army knife or a squeeze-powered small teacup sized record player with a laugh track on it.
The gift-giving sequence went bad even before my dad walked in the door after 4-12 days of being gone flying around the Pacific. My mother would have found fault with my behavior last week threatening me with "wait until your father gets home". Days later and a few hours before my father came home, my mother would work herself into a lather torturing me with reminders of how much trouble I was going to be in.
My poor dad. He would walk in the door after being gone from his family for days, then get yelled at by his wife demanding he punish his son for a misdeed that may or may not have happened as far back as two weeks ago. My dad, to his credit, usually did not take much action based on my agitated mother's reports. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. (In hindsight, there was likely sadness and confusion as well. What a horrible homecoming reception to look forward to.) Mother's yell-fests certainly stopped us from having a loving family moment when he got home with a cool toy. Instead, there anxiety & fear about his impending return.
I would get in trouble 3x over the same event: when the event happened; before my father got home; and then after my father got home. After all that drama, my father would give me his random gift in the original box with exotic foreign packaging such as the label being in Japanese. I became afraid to give gifts to others since the process involved them first being yelled at and then enduring psychological torture. I did not want to yell nor torture at others. I wanted to give them a small thoughtful gift to let them know I appreciated them.
Many times in my life, I would buy gifts for others then not be able to either: A) give them the gift at all; or B) give them the gift with love and grace. As a kid, I had a drawerful of ungiven gifts.
Today, thanks to the miracle of recovery, I am able practice giving gifts to others with unconditional love. Yesterday I bought a pair Skechers hiking boots for a friend that only had rubber boots for footwear. For the first time that I can remember, I took a care package over to a house-bound friend that was sick with a nasty head & chest cold. I was able to give both gifts with a quiet sense of love, grace and appreciation for my friends. It went well.
I am extremely grateful for my vastly improved communication in my relationships with others. Being open, honest and vulnerable with others is scary for me. Showing love and support for others helps to accept the same when it is given to me.
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