Today, January 30th, is Gigi's birthday. My birthday is March 5th. We celebrate our birthdays together in some fashion between January and April. Typically this involves a meal and a movie or a meeting.
An important lesson from these spread-out birthday celebrations is for me to not hold out for a perfect moment that lasts forever. That expectation leads to disappointment and madness. Instead, I have learned to enjoy many good moments over time with my friends as we celebrate our birthdays and milestones in our lives.
Gigi is and has been a really good friend. When I tried to interact with my mother 7 years ago, Gigi joined us for Thanksgiving, Christmas and my mother's birthday in January helping to serve as a verbal lubricant and emotional bodyguard. Thanks to Gigi's kind loving support, I was able to visit with my mother. Talking with my mother was too painful for me to continue. It was good that I tried.
Gigi is the only person I have let visit me when in the hospital in the last decade. It is painful and hard for me to show some of my vulnerabilities to others. Gigi's compassion and empathy help me to accept her support when I am even further incapacitated than my usual paraplegia.
Gigi has taught me about Kringles which are a delicate delicious plate-sized giant Danish pastry. We get some every year at Molbak's nursery in Woodinville after looking at their (literally) acres of Xmas ornaments and lunching at the café in the nursery. While dining at the café last month, our mutual good friend Joy called Gigi from Walla Walla. That was nice. The three of us had gone to Molbak's several times back when Joy lived in Newcastle.
Gigi is going to Mexico with her family this week. We will get together when she gets back to celebrate another year in our lives and relationship together.
I am grateful for love and support I share with my great friend Gigi.
Automotive Hand Controls
Went to the dentist on Monday to have a temporary crown replaced with a permanent crown. After transferring from my wheelchair to the dental chair, the dental assistant brought up the topic of hand controls for cars asking me if I had ever seen such a device.
We then proceeded to bandy questions back and forth. Mine were to the effect of did she notice my wheelchair, that my legs lack motor control and how did she think I drove my car to the appointment? Hers were along the lines of had I seen hand controls and how did I get to the dentist's office—which I have been going to for the last 15 years.
We were both giving each other bewildered looks. It was a surreal conversation. In the end, I was able to assure her that I had seen hand controls before and was familiar with the concept. A charitable interpretation of that experience would be that she had a brainfart. She is a smart competent technician.
I have been driving tractors with hand controls since I was a kid on the farm. Driving a car with hand controls is second nature for me. I legally drove with my feet on the gas, brake and clutch pedals for 6 years. I have been driving with hand controls for 31 years. It is infinitely better to drive with hand controls than to not drive at all while living on a hill in the suburbs of Seattle trying to get around with my manual wheelchair.
I am grateful for the freedom, mobility and independence I get from using hand controls to drive my car wherever and whenever I want.
We then proceeded to bandy questions back and forth. Mine were to the effect of did she notice my wheelchair, that my legs lack motor control and how did she think I drove my car to the appointment? Hers were along the lines of had I seen hand controls and how did I get to the dentist's office—which I have been going to for the last 15 years.
We were both giving each other bewildered looks. It was a surreal conversation. In the end, I was able to assure her that I had seen hand controls before and was familiar with the concept. A charitable interpretation of that experience would be that she had a brainfart. She is a smart competent technician.
I have been driving tractors with hand controls since I was a kid on the farm. Driving a car with hand controls is second nature for me. I legally drove with my feet on the gas, brake and clutch pedals for 6 years. I have been driving with hand controls for 31 years. It is infinitely better to drive with hand controls than to not drive at all while living on a hill in the suburbs of Seattle trying to get around with my manual wheelchair.
I am grateful for the freedom, mobility and independence I get from using hand controls to drive my car wherever and whenever I want.
Working with Others - Michelle F-W
Michelle has been staying with me off and on for the last three months. We get along really well and I enjoy her company as an intermittent room-mate. When she is not here, she is living on the streets in Seattle. Chinatown is her preferred haunt. I picked her up last Thursday after a 10-day stay on the streets. At 45, life on the streets takes a bigger and faster toll than how it used to be. She was married to a preacher and sober for 8+ years. He died of a heart attack and she went back out.
She has been wanting to get signed up for help from WA State DSHS so she can go to a rehab facility. There is a 4-hour wait for the intake process when signing up on a drop-in basis. Yesterday afternoon she completed the short application and this morning she was up and ready to go by 7:45. I gave her a ride to the DSHS office now located at NE 8th & 156th.
Michelle is not your stereotypical homeless person. She actually owns a house in Seattle and has a pension from her husband's work experience. Her former brother-in-law is managing that for her while she is still out there running her hustle in the mix. She clearly wants to get and stay sober very much. Willingness to go to any length has been a problem for her due to the conundrum of trying to be in control of how her recovery is done and not being able to turn it over to her higher power.
I am grateful for Michelle's company, my willingness to at least go to a meeting every day and to be able to work with others.
She has been wanting to get signed up for help from WA State DSHS so she can go to a rehab facility. There is a 4-hour wait for the intake process when signing up on a drop-in basis. Yesterday afternoon she completed the short application and this morning she was up and ready to go by 7:45. I gave her a ride to the DSHS office now located at NE 8th & 156th.
Michelle is not your stereotypical homeless person. She actually owns a house in Seattle and has a pension from her husband's work experience. Her former brother-in-law is managing that for her while she is still out there running her hustle in the mix. She clearly wants to get and stay sober very much. Willingness to go to any length has been a problem for her due to the conundrum of trying to be in control of how her recovery is done and not being able to turn it over to her higher power.
I am grateful for Michelle's company, my willingness to at least go to a meeting every day and to be able to work with others.
My Mindfulness and Spirituality
My past was been a painful place when I thought about it by myself. The present was untenable due my being incapable of living in the moment. The only place in time for my life being okay was in the future of I will be happy when or if only. Be the end of my using, my future had collapsed to a bleak Hobbesian existence that was nasty, brutish and short.
After years of 12-step recovery, therapy, working on mindfully living in the moment and turning over anxious worry to a spiritual power greater than myself, I now spend most of my mental time living in the present moment.
Early in my recovery I was able to prove the value of spirituality, god or a higher power with a simple thought experiment of spending one day without a HP doing all of my own worrying versus turning over my worries to my HP while doing the next indicated thing. Never once did doing my own worrying without a HP result in having a better day than being with a HP. It does not matter the least little bit if there is or is not a god to the quality of my life as far as I can tell. What does matter to my serenity is that I act as if there is a god by manifesting mindfulness and spirituality. My very life depends on imbuing those concepts into my daily existence. There is infinite room for improvement. It is a lot better than how it used to be. Progress, not perfection.
I am grateful for my spirituality and mindfulness today in the here and now.
After years of 12-step recovery, therapy, working on mindfully living in the moment and turning over anxious worry to a spiritual power greater than myself, I now spend most of my mental time living in the present moment.
Early in my recovery I was able to prove the value of spirituality, god or a higher power with a simple thought experiment of spending one day without a HP doing all of my own worrying versus turning over my worries to my HP while doing the next indicated thing. Never once did doing my own worrying without a HP result in having a better day than being with a HP. It does not matter the least little bit if there is or is not a god to the quality of my life as far as I can tell. What does matter to my serenity is that I act as if there is a god by manifesting mindfulness and spirituality. My very life depends on imbuing those concepts into my daily existence. There is infinite room for improvement. It is a lot better than how it used to be. Progress, not perfection.
I am grateful for my spirituality and mindfulness today in the here and now.
Eastside Intergroup: Celebrating 30 Years of Carrying the Message
Went to the ESIG 30th Anniversary Celebration last night with Michelle F-W. It was a wonderfully nice event MC'd by the ESIG board chairman Mark S. There was a discussion panel, a raffle and live music along with much socializing to a full house at the Lake Samm 4-Square Church on NE 8th.
The 4-person panel each give a 12-minute presentation on what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now. Interestingly enough, they mostly focused on what it was like. Usually 12-step programs focus on being in the solution. Discussing the problem helped more than a few members of the audience relate to the panel members and find commonality.
I gave my friend Caroline the phone number for Wendi O who was on the panel and is an ESIG board member. Michelle F-W had two days sober and a common problem for women new to sobriety of feeling safe relating to other women. On the way to the car she talked with PJ from North Bend getting her phone number and agreed to stop by the ESIG office on Monday to talk with Nancy the office manager.
Toni asked me to dance with her on the second song. There was a sense of fantastic progress from where we were last August. She was in a PT-type rehab facility with a broken her hip. I was using. She has recovered completely from her broken hip. I have 70 days today.
Jody M asked me to dance. I ended up dancing with Jody, Toni, Emily, and Annon—all at the same time—that was fun! Toni's young friend Emily is beautiful and it was her first dance ever in recovery. It was a nice safe place for all of us to have fun. Jody had gone to the Eagles concert with me two years ago when we sat in the front row at Key Arena. It was nice of her to ask me to dance.
Michelle F-W and I sat with my great friend Leslee J and Brock's wife Michelle near the front of the room. Janet B gave me a hug on the way out and took my picture with ESIG former board members Stephanie and Carl. It was good to see & hug Janet, I had behaved less than admirably on our last few interactions as board members.
Talked on the phone and laughed with Gigi while writing this post. It is her birthday on 1/30. We have celebrated our birthdays together for the last decade. When she gets back from Mexico, we will go do something fun. I got her an Amazon Local 1-hour massage in Issaquah for when she gets back.
Tonight is a cookie social at my home group.
I am grateful for my friends in recovery, Eastside Intergroup's carrying the message for 30 years, and fun social events.
The 4-person panel each give a 12-minute presentation on what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now. Interestingly enough, they mostly focused on what it was like. Usually 12-step programs focus on being in the solution. Discussing the problem helped more than a few members of the audience relate to the panel members and find commonality.
I gave my friend Caroline the phone number for Wendi O who was on the panel and is an ESIG board member. Michelle F-W had two days sober and a common problem for women new to sobriety of feeling safe relating to other women. On the way to the car she talked with PJ from North Bend getting her phone number and agreed to stop by the ESIG office on Monday to talk with Nancy the office manager.
Toni asked me to dance with her on the second song. There was a sense of fantastic progress from where we were last August. She was in a PT-type rehab facility with a broken her hip. I was using. She has recovered completely from her broken hip. I have 70 days today.
Jody M asked me to dance. I ended up dancing with Jody, Toni, Emily, and Annon—all at the same time—that was fun! Toni's young friend Emily is beautiful and it was her first dance ever in recovery. It was a nice safe place for all of us to have fun. Jody had gone to the Eagles concert with me two years ago when we sat in the front row at Key Arena. It was nice of her to ask me to dance.
Michelle F-W and I sat with my great friend Leslee J and Brock's wife Michelle near the front of the room. Janet B gave me a hug on the way out and took my picture with ESIG former board members Stephanie and Carl. It was good to see & hug Janet, I had behaved less than admirably on our last few interactions as board members.
Talked on the phone and laughed with Gigi while writing this post. It is her birthday on 1/30. We have celebrated our birthdays together for the last decade. When she gets back from Mexico, we will go do something fun. I got her an Amazon Local 1-hour massage in Issaquah for when she gets back.
Tonight is a cookie social at my home group.
I am grateful for my friends in recovery, Eastside Intergroup's carrying the message for 30 years, and fun social events.
Step 2: Restore Us to Sanity
When I was five years old, my sanity was beaten out of me by my father. After 14 years of 12-step meetings, my sanity has again been restored to me. Experience has shown that my grip on sanity is tenuous at best. I find great comfort and simplicity in knowing the reason for my substance abuse is that I am insane. Other addicts and alcoholics have used complex explanations with incomplete or circular logic to explain the whys and wherefores of their condition leaving them just as delusional as before.
The elegance of lacking sanity is a lot like explaining gravity. On some fundamental level, it can't be explained. On a practical level, the law of gravity is always strictly enforced.
Addiction is not a matter of intelligence. Three of my friends that are all smarter than me got the crap kicked out of them this week by active addiction. Two of them actively deny that 12-step programs are a functional solution and have no roadmap for their recovery. It is terrifying to be lost in a hostile environment (addiction), not know where you are and have no idea how to get to where you are going. Being smart people, they have always reasoned things out for themselves. Our best thinking lead us to the depths of our addiction—it ain't gonna reason out a route to sanity.
Continued using is a route to the additional humility needed to accept complete defeat. It has become a race between hitting their bottom and death. I hope my friends hit their bottom well before their death. Dying a miserable shameful embarrassing death from active addiction is one of my big fears while using. It helped me find motivation to get sober again.
I am grateful for the simplicity of seeking to be restored to sanity. I don't need to figure out the problem. All I have to do is work on the solution.
The elegance of lacking sanity is a lot like explaining gravity. On some fundamental level, it can't be explained. On a practical level, the law of gravity is always strictly enforced.
Addiction is not a matter of intelligence. Three of my friends that are all smarter than me got the crap kicked out of them this week by active addiction. Two of them actively deny that 12-step programs are a functional solution and have no roadmap for their recovery. It is terrifying to be lost in a hostile environment (addiction), not know where you are and have no idea how to get to where you are going. Being smart people, they have always reasoned things out for themselves. Our best thinking lead us to the depths of our addiction—it ain't gonna reason out a route to sanity.
Continued using is a route to the additional humility needed to accept complete defeat. It has become a race between hitting their bottom and death. I hope my friends hit their bottom well before their death. Dying a miserable shameful embarrassing death from active addiction is one of my big fears while using. It helped me find motivation to get sober again.
I am grateful for the simplicity of seeking to be restored to sanity. I don't need to figure out the problem. All I have to do is work on the solution.
Tons of Meetings Close to Home
Downtown Bellevue has more than 70 twelve-step meetings per week. The Alano Club of the Eastside (ACES) is 10 blocks due north of my apartment. They have 12-step meetings from 6 AM to 11 PM daily with midnight meetings on Friday and Saturday. The vast majority of the meetings are AA. Sometimes they have two meetings going on simultaneously in the clubhouse and the annex. ACES also has Al-Anon, Overeaters A, Cocaine A, and Marijuana A meetings. Then there are a score of once/week meetings at local churches and restaurants.
Bellevue has a higher percentage of accessible meetings than the surrounding cities. ACES certainly helps increase that percentage. Older churches with basements, attics and portables are the home to most of the not-accessible meetings. About 30% of the meetings locations on the greater Eastside are not accessible. I don't spend any energy on increasing wheelchair accessibility.
So far while doing my New Year's resolution of 90 meetings in 90 days ("90 in 90"), I have only made it to afternoon and evening meetings. I have done a meeting/day for 23 of the last 24 days.
Sooner or later, I will attend all of the morning meetings. Most likely that will be later. By nature, I am not a early morning person.
I am blessed and grateful to have an abundance of accessible 12-step meetings so close to home.
Bellevue has a higher percentage of accessible meetings than the surrounding cities. ACES certainly helps increase that percentage. Older churches with basements, attics and portables are the home to most of the not-accessible meetings. About 30% of the meetings locations on the greater Eastside are not accessible. I don't spend any energy on increasing wheelchair accessibility.
So far while doing my New Year's resolution of 90 meetings in 90 days ("90 in 90"), I have only made it to afternoon and evening meetings. I have done a meeting/day for 23 of the last 24 days.
Sooner or later, I will attend all of the morning meetings. Most likely that will be later. By nature, I am not a early morning person.
I am blessed and grateful to have an abundance of accessible 12-step meetings so close to home.
Kindle and e-books
One of my strongest memories from kindergarten is being jealous of Gary Moon because he could already read. All of my life since then, I have been a reader.
Most of what I read today is digital media on an LCD screen. The homepage on my primary web browser, Google Chrome, is set to a Google RSS feed of 20+ RSS news feeds ranging from the Seattle Times to The Economist. My sister Karen gave me a Kindle for my birthday two years ago. I use it every day for reading novels.
I got a deal from http://www.baenebooks.com that allows me free complete access to all their books. I love science-fiction. I have access to more books than I can possibly read in the rest of my life. For a change of pace, I occasionally get large-print books from the King County library system. Last week I read three Lee Child books. That is enough of that for awhile.
The Royal Library of Alexandria was one of the largest libraries in the ancient world until it was accidentally burned down by Julius Caesar. I can access more books from my apartment than it ever held.
I am grateful for my Kindle, ebooks and RSS feeds that I read on a daily basis.
Most of what I read today is digital media on an LCD screen. The homepage on my primary web browser, Google Chrome, is set to a Google RSS feed of 20+ RSS news feeds ranging from the Seattle Times to The Economist. My sister Karen gave me a Kindle for my birthday two years ago. I use it every day for reading novels.
I got a deal from http://www.baenebooks.com that allows me free complete access to all their books. I love science-fiction. I have access to more books than I can possibly read in the rest of my life. For a change of pace, I occasionally get large-print books from the King County library system. Last week I read three Lee Child books. That is enough of that for awhile.
The Royal Library of Alexandria was one of the largest libraries in the ancient world until it was accidentally burned down by Julius Caesar. I can access more books from my apartment than it ever held.
I am grateful for my Kindle, ebooks and RSS feeds that I read on a daily basis.
Increased Compassion and Empathy
Writing about things I am grateful for has led to an increased sense of gratitude in my life. A surprising result of being more grateful is that I also have an increased sense of compassion and empathy for others.
Tried helping an addict I know with all-over body pain from an unknown cause work her way through the public health system in the last week. She went to three appointments. Before the fourth appointment, she had to go back to using. Dropping her at the dope-house was one of the saddest drives ever. It was like driving a beloved pet to the vet to be put down. Not only was that a bad way to live, being in intense chronic pain constantly needing heroin was an ugly way to die.
I have compassion and empathy for her, her pain, and her addiction. I am also extremely grateful that is not me.
Tried helping an addict I know with all-over body pain from an unknown cause work her way through the public health system in the last week. She went to three appointments. Before the fourth appointment, she had to go back to using. Dropping her at the dope-house was one of the saddest drives ever. It was like driving a beloved pet to the vet to be put down. Not only was that a bad way to live, being in intense chronic pain constantly needing heroin was an ugly way to die.
I have compassion and empathy for her, her pain, and her addiction. I am also extremely grateful that is not me.
Hot running water
After a shower, laundry and doing the dishes with hot and cold running water, it is easy to overlook the simple pleasure and vast convenience of hot water on tap. It is not hard to imagine life without hot water on tap. It is hard to imagine me living that life without hot water on tap.
Today I am grateful for the myriad of tiny conveniences enabled by having hot water on tap.
Today I am grateful for the myriad of tiny conveniences enabled by having hot water on tap.
Day 21 of 90 in 90
This is a prose version of Christine Carter's 21 Days to a New Habit PowerPoint slides and narrative.
Today is Day 21 of Christine Carter's 21 Days to a New Habit. Today lecture is on where to go from here. The five R's are: Reevaluate, Remember, Revise, Re-dedicate, Re-start. Time to Reevaluate by looking back through the worksheets to Remember what worked for me. Followed by Revising what did not work for me by making smaller changes and Rescheduling what feels overwhelming. I can BUILD on my strengths. Rededicate myself to my goals and gain confidence in my ability to change. Once my Resolution feels automatic, I can Restart the process with something new. If I need to schedule a resolution, now is the time to take it on. Cycle of renewal—think of the seasons of my life.
I have created 3 new habits for the new year by going to a meeting every day (missed one day), along with writing every morning followed by reading a daily affirmation and a short meditation.
I am grateful for my new habits to help me flourish on my way to being a better person.
Today is Day 21 of Christine Carter's 21 Days to a New Habit. Today lecture is on where to go from here. The five R's are: Reevaluate, Remember, Revise, Re-dedicate, Re-start. Time to Reevaluate by looking back through the worksheets to Remember what worked for me. Followed by Revising what did not work for me by making smaller changes and Rescheduling what feels overwhelming. I can BUILD on my strengths. Rededicate myself to my goals and gain confidence in my ability to change. Once my Resolution feels automatic, I can Restart the process with something new. If I need to schedule a resolution, now is the time to take it on. Cycle of renewal—think of the seasons of my life.
I have created 3 new habits for the new year by going to a meeting every day (missed one day), along with writing every morning followed by reading a daily affirmation and a short meditation.
I am grateful for my new habits to help me flourish on my way to being a better person.
Day 20: A Slip is Not a Fall
This is a straight cut-n-paste from http://www.changeologybook.com/exercises/create-my-slip-card.
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Create My Slip Card
In this self-change exercise, we help you create and print a Slip Card, which is like a cheat sheet of reminders, to carry in your purse or wallet.
All of the planning in the world won’t necessarily prevent slips. Once you’ve slipped, you’ll want a plan that incorporates lessons learned and prepares you better. Otherwise, you’ll be like that skydiver sewing his parachute after he jumps.
Begin building your Slip Card by identifying:
• what you were thinking
• what you were doing
• what you were feeling
• and whom you were with when you slipped.
You’ll turn those triggers around and phrase them as the healthy opposites.
For example, when I fail to exercise four or five times a week, I have learned that:
• I am thinking “Give myself a break. I’m too tired” (which is perverse, since exercise is what gives me more energy)
• I am traveling or working long hours
• I am feeling resentful, put upon, and pressured (all the more reason, of course, to de-stress by exercising, but I do not feel that at the moment)
• I am away from home and not around my exercise buddies (Leslee, Charlie, Mark H)
These four categories form the basis for your slip card – what to think, what to do, what to feel, and who to do it with – the next time you slip. I transform them into a positive list of Do’s and a few Don’t on my slip card:
Do: remember that exercise gives me energy; contact an exercise buddy ASAP; use exercise as a stress buster; renew my commitment; remind myself of the long-term consequences of not exercising
Don’t: use travel as an excuse; think one slip means failure
Yes, it takes a few moments, but the payback is huge. Your slip card serves as a roadmap that directs you to effective strategies to prevent slips from becoming complete falls.
Let’s now create your short and punchy slip card. Create it, print it, and carry it with you during Persevere and Persist.
Here’s a blank slip plan for you to complete. Make it shorter than Andrew’s; a few do’s and don’ts. What to think, what to do, what to feel, who to turn toward.
Carry it in your pocket, purse, or wallet through the next few weeks. Put it with your driver’s license or your credit cards. Consider sharing it with your change team. A slip not need be a fall!
MY SLIP CARD
DO
• Leave the situation immediately after slipping.
• Remember: a slip is NOT a fall. It can rekindle my commitment.
• Slips are part of the process; an obstacle to overcome rather than a road block.
• Feel embarrassed about the behavior, but not me as a person.
• I know what to expect when a slip occurs — I have a plan.
• Reach out for support immediately.
DON’T
• Overspend my way out of it.
• Blame others for the relationship conflict.
• Wallow in self-pity for a day or two.
• Give up; one swallow does not make a summer.
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I am grateful for my tools (including cut-n-paste) that help me to recover from slips before they become unmitigated disasters.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Create My Slip Card
In this self-change exercise, we help you create and print a Slip Card, which is like a cheat sheet of reminders, to carry in your purse or wallet.
All of the planning in the world won’t necessarily prevent slips. Once you’ve slipped, you’ll want a plan that incorporates lessons learned and prepares you better. Otherwise, you’ll be like that skydiver sewing his parachute after he jumps.
Begin building your Slip Card by identifying:
• what you were thinking
• what you were doing
• what you were feeling
• and whom you were with when you slipped.
You’ll turn those triggers around and phrase them as the healthy opposites.
For example, when I fail to exercise four or five times a week, I have learned that:
• I am thinking “Give myself a break. I’m too tired” (which is perverse, since exercise is what gives me more energy)
• I am traveling or working long hours
• I am feeling resentful, put upon, and pressured (all the more reason, of course, to de-stress by exercising, but I do not feel that at the moment)
• I am away from home and not around my exercise buddies (Leslee, Charlie, Mark H)
These four categories form the basis for your slip card – what to think, what to do, what to feel, and who to do it with – the next time you slip. I transform them into a positive list of Do’s and a few Don’t on my slip card:
Do: remember that exercise gives me energy; contact an exercise buddy ASAP; use exercise as a stress buster; renew my commitment; remind myself of the long-term consequences of not exercising
Don’t: use travel as an excuse; think one slip means failure
Yes, it takes a few moments, but the payback is huge. Your slip card serves as a roadmap that directs you to effective strategies to prevent slips from becoming complete falls.
Let’s now create your short and punchy slip card. Create it, print it, and carry it with you during Persevere and Persist.
Here’s a blank slip plan for you to complete. Make it shorter than Andrew’s; a few do’s and don’ts. What to think, what to do, what to feel, who to turn toward.
Carry it in your pocket, purse, or wallet through the next few weeks. Put it with your driver’s license or your credit cards. Consider sharing it with your change team. A slip not need be a fall!
MY SLIP CARD
DO
• Leave the situation immediately after slipping.
• Remember: a slip is NOT a fall. It can rekindle my commitment.
• Slips are part of the process; an obstacle to overcome rather than a road block.
• Feel embarrassed about the behavior, but not me as a person.
• I know what to expect when a slip occurs — I have a plan.
• Reach out for support immediately.
DON’T
• Overspend my way out of it.
• Blame others for the relationship conflict.
• Wallow in self-pity for a day or two.
• Give up; one swallow does not make a summer.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am grateful for my tools (including cut-n-paste) that help me to recover from slips before they become unmitigated disasters.
An Optimistic New Perspective to Start My Day
Writing about positive thoughts, feelings and actions has created an optimistic new attitude for starting my day. Having a case of writers block while trying t elaborate on my new found positive perspective.
I am grateful for my eager new attitude towards starting my day each morning.
I am grateful for my eager new attitude towards starting my day each morning.
An Omelet for Breakfast
Usually I write, read and meditate to begin my day. Today I made a Denver omelet. It was yummy. That was the first time I made an omelet in years. I am not much of a breakfast eater—especially big filling breakfasts. It will be a slow morning now…
I am grateful to have had all the additional ingredients to make a ham, sausage, cheese, onion, green pepper, sour cream and salsa omelet along with a nice functional wheelchair accessible kitchen to cook in.
I am grateful to have had all the additional ingredients to make a ham, sausage, cheese, onion, green pepper, sour cream and salsa omelet along with a nice functional wheelchair accessible kitchen to cook in.
60 days
I have been clean and sober for 60 days. My trudge to happy destinies is going well in new & better directions.
I am grateful for my successes in learning how to flourish in my life.
I am grateful for my successes in learning how to flourish in my life.
Being Happy and Flourishing
I have 59 days of sobriety today after a 6-month using spree. Thanks to many factors especially including developing new habits, working with directly with others, and more open honest communication, I am as happy and serene as I have been for the vast majority of my life. Granted that is not setting the bar very high. My serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance.
I am grateful to be happy, doing well, and flourishing today.
I am grateful to be happy, doing well, and flourishing today.
Having a Payday Twice a Month
I got paralyzed from the waist down in a logging accident 32 years ago. That worked out well in the sense of getting workman's compensation insurance to cover related medical expenses, wheelchairs, etc, along with providing a steady pension that is enough to live a life free from economic insecurity—as long as I don't spend all my money on drugs.
In 1988, I was going to graduate with a degree in Chemical Engineering from UC Santa Barbara. Due to the regulations for Washington State's Department of Labor & Industries workman's comp program, I would have lost my lifetime annuity and medical coverage since I was vocationally rehabilitated. I made the right economic decision to not graduate—my health is and was too fragile to trade potential employment for secure income and medical coverage. Until 2008, that decision always ate a hole in my heart. Watching engineers my age that worked their way up the income ladder to making 100k+/year lose their job and then their house gave me a change of heart towards how I felt about not graduating.
Today is payday. I am grateful to have a steady income that is sufficient to pay for all I need and for many extra little creature comforts such as paying my bills and a Costco shopping trip later today.
In 1988, I was going to graduate with a degree in Chemical Engineering from UC Santa Barbara. Due to the regulations for Washington State's Department of Labor & Industries workman's comp program, I would have lost my lifetime annuity and medical coverage since I was vocationally rehabilitated. I made the right economic decision to not graduate—my health is and was too fragile to trade potential employment for secure income and medical coverage. Until 2008, that decision always ate a hole in my heart. Watching engineers my age that worked their way up the income ladder to making 100k+/year lose their job and then their house gave me a change of heart towards how I felt about not graduating.
Today is payday. I am grateful to have a steady income that is sufficient to pay for all I need and for many extra little creature comforts such as paying my bills and a Costco shopping trip later today.
More Daylight Every Day
Driving to Bellevue Square at 5:30 for my Sunday evening walk & talk with Leslee, I saw the glorious sight of a pale rosy glow in the western sky. That was my first sign of the new year that the days are getting longer. Our shortest days are 8.5 hours of daylight. On Saturday, 1/19, we will be up to 9 hours, 1 minute and 4 seconds! Soon a few plants will be starting to bud.
I am grateful for the return of the sun and longer hours of daylight.
I am grateful for the return of the sun and longer hours of daylight.
The Seattle Goodwill on Dearborn
Took a friend on a shopping spree at the Seattle Goodwill on Dearborn yesterday. It was a nice surprise to learn that they were having a red-tag sale of ½ off on a large fraction of their shoes & clothes. My friend had never been to that Goodwill before. She was ecstatic by the ginourmous selection to be had in an acre or two of clothes. Two pairs of boots, jeans, shirts, gloves and an excellent woolen winter greatcoat made her day.
Seattle Goodwill recently made music history. Seattle musicians Macklemore and Ryan Lewis made a rap song/video—Thrift Shop Feat, Wanz— about Goodwill shopping. It is now the second-ever platinum rap song from Seattle.
I am grateful to be able to help clothing-challenged friends, great prices on a HUGE selection of clothes and for the excellent work the Goodwill does in helping people get mainstreamed into the workforce.
Seattle Goodwill recently made music history. Seattle musicians Macklemore and Ryan Lewis made a rap song/video—Thrift Shop Feat, Wanz— about Goodwill shopping. It is now the second-ever platinum rap song from Seattle.
I am grateful to be able to help clothing-challenged friends, great prices on a HUGE selection of clothes and for the excellent work the Goodwill does in helping people get mainstreamed into the workforce.
Halfway to new habits
I started with a simple New Year's Resolution of 90 in 90. Thanks to the wisdom of internet gurus at Berkeley and Stanford my NYR expanded to developing the new habit of writing, reading and meditation first thing in the morning along with a meeting later in the day. Christine Carter at Cal has a 21-day audio program for developing a new habit. Today is day 12 of 21 of successfully listening to lecture each day. I am well on my way to having massively healthy new habits and fantastic new skills for creating new habits.
I am grateful for my budding new habits that will help me to flourish for the rest of my life.
I am grateful for my budding new habits that will help me to flourish for the rest of my life.
A Clear Sky in Winter
It is 8:06 AM. The rising sun has yet to shine in Bellevue. My narrow west view of the snow covered Olympic mountains shows them lit up in a pink tinge thanks to a rare stretch of clear skies in the NW winter. The downside of the clear skies is there was a freeze last night.
My resolution to do 90 in 90 hit a speedbump yesterday. I put off going to a meeting until the last meeting of the day. News reports discussed icy roads and I choose to not go to a meeting. I will go to a meeting today and attend two meetings someday soon.
I will meet with Michael M this afternoon and Joey this evening before going to the A Way Up meeting.
I am grateful for clear skies, beautiful sunrises, many local meetings and my friends in recovery.
My resolution to do 90 in 90 hit a speedbump yesterday. I put off going to a meeting until the last meeting of the day. News reports discussed icy roads and I choose to not go to a meeting. I will go to a meeting today and attend two meetings someday soon.
I will meet with Michael M this afternoon and Joey this evening before going to the A Way Up meeting.
I am grateful for clear skies, beautiful sunrises, many local meetings and my friends in recovery.
Perihelion in northern winters
The earth's orbit of the sun, like all orbits, is an ellipse. For the earth, that means we are a little bit closer to the sun in winter and a little further away in summer. That helps to moderate temperature extremes between winter and summer. We are in midst of a winter cold spell in Seattle that will last for a short week. It got down below freezing last night and will warm up to 40F this afternoon.
Temperature extremes are actually a big issue for me. I am a total weather wuss that does not do well over 85F and below freezing. Getting stuck in the snow would be a nightmare for me and I am susceptible to heat stroke.
I am grateful for the earth's inclined elliptical orbit that results in moderated seasons in the northern hemisphere.
Temperature extremes are actually a big issue for me. I am a total weather wuss that does not do well over 85F and below freezing. Getting stuck in the snow would be a nightmare for me and I am susceptible to heat stroke.
I am grateful for the earth's inclined elliptical orbit that results in moderated seasons in the northern hemisphere.
Repeating my healthy new habit of early morning writing, reading and meditation
I am working hard on changing my life for the better. That used to be a matter of willpower and diligence on my part—toughing it out. Changing the paradigm to creating new habits in the small steps of tiny habits is working extremely well for me on the first 9 days of the 2013.
Working through a 21-day lecture series by Dr Christine Carter has today's talk being on thinking of willpower as being a muscle that gets tired over the course of a day. A surprising concept is that willpower gets tired out by making decisions over the course of a day. Habits reduce the use of willpower since they don't require decisions.
My new morning habit of writing, a short spiritual reading, and then meditation is working well as a successful start of my day. It is comforting to have made good decisions that created this habit and rewarding to have taken these actions that make me feel better. It gives me self-esteem to make my day and my life better.
I am grateful for my healthy new habit of writing, reading and meditation.
PS: I had serious writer's block this morning and am pleased to have worked my way through it to have at least written something.
Working through a 21-day lecture series by Dr Christine Carter has today's talk being on thinking of willpower as being a muscle that gets tired over the course of a day. A surprising concept is that willpower gets tired out by making decisions over the course of a day. Habits reduce the use of willpower since they don't require decisions.
My new morning habit of writing, a short spiritual reading, and then meditation is working well as a successful start of my day. It is comforting to have made good decisions that created this habit and rewarding to have taken these actions that make me feel better. It gives me self-esteem to make my day and my life better.
I am grateful for my healthy new habit of writing, reading and meditation.
PS: I had serious writer's block this morning and am pleased to have worked my way through it to have at least written something.
Bug and Jenny are great cats.
Jenny was my first house cat. Seven years ago, she was delivered off by her previous owner that had placed an ad on Craigslist for a year-old cat. Having been the youngest cat in a houseful of cats, Jenny seemed lonely when I got her and would yowl in the bathroom at 4 AM. My friend Joy suggested I get another cat. I got a kitten in June. Her name is June Bug. I call her Bug.
Bug and Jenny are social cats that will come out to the living room to greet visitors.
Bug bonded with me more really well. She will jump in my lap for a ride as I go around my apartment in my wheelchair.
Jenny likes to be mauled. She will lay in my wheelchair in the morning waiting me to squish-pet her with surprising force until she has had enough. Then she will jump across my legs to sit next to me on the bed seeking less vigorous attention.
I am grateful for my two healthy kind loving social cats. Bug and Jenny are great cats.
Bug and Jenny are social cats that will come out to the living room to greet visitors.
Bug bonded with me more really well. She will jump in my lap for a ride as I go around my apartment in my wheelchair.
Jenny likes to be mauled. She will lay in my wheelchair in the morning waiting me to squish-pet her with surprising force until she has had enough. Then she will jump across my legs to sit next to me on the bed seeking less vigorous attention.
I am grateful for my two healthy kind loving social cats. Bug and Jenny are great cats.
Well-Being Theory and Flourishing
Ten years ago I was working with a group on writing a personal inventory. An outcome of the inventory project was for each of us to come up with our personal word to describe yourself (ourselves?). My word was flourish.
Casting about on the web this morning for a science foundation to build on for today's writing, I went to Martin Seligman's site at the U of Penn. A goal of Well-Being Theory is to "Increase flourishing by increasing positive emotion, engagement, positive relationships, meaning, and accomplishment". I am flourishing today.
I have positive emotions created by working towards a life that I desire as opposed to a life of enduring and avoiding using. I have a good start on engagement each day when writing my Gratitude Blog. Yesterday, I met with four friends for a social hour at the mall before our home-group meeting. I am working on helping others and will soon begin looking for an appropriate volunteer position. I am conditioning/retraining myself to reframe my accomplishments in a positive perspective.
I am grateful and blessed for the positive mindset that has reshaped my perspective in my first 50 days of recovery.
An example of reshaping my accomplishments is that when I got up to write this morning, I had the perception I was going to write a longer and more profound posting. It turned out to be a short post. My mental reframing occurs when changing my mindset from disappointment in being too short to the pleasure of accomplishment—for the same posting. I am flourishing today.
Casting about on the web this morning for a science foundation to build on for today's writing, I went to Martin Seligman's site at the U of Penn. A goal of Well-Being Theory is to "Increase flourishing by increasing positive emotion, engagement, positive relationships, meaning, and accomplishment". I am flourishing today.
I have positive emotions created by working towards a life that I desire as opposed to a life of enduring and avoiding using. I have a good start on engagement each day when writing my Gratitude Blog. Yesterday, I met with four friends for a social hour at the mall before our home-group meeting. I am working on helping others and will soon begin looking for an appropriate volunteer position. I am conditioning/retraining myself to reframe my accomplishments in a positive perspective.
I am grateful and blessed for the positive mindset that has reshaped my perspective in my first 50 days of recovery.
An example of reshaping my accomplishments is that when I got up to write this morning, I had the perception I was going to write a longer and more profound posting. It turned out to be a short post. My mental reframing occurs when changing my mindset from disappointment in being too short to the pleasure of accomplishment—for the same posting. I am flourishing today.
Making Actions Match My Intentions or Acting More Thoughtfully With Others
Gift giving was horribly painful and confusing from my childhood. My father was a Pan Am pilot who frequently flew to Taiwan and Japan. He occasionally brought back really cool toys such as a Sony rechargeable portable AM/FM radio about the size of a hard-cover book, a copy of Mao's Little Red Book, a Victorinox Swiss Army knife or a squeeze-powered small teacup sized record player with a laugh track on it.
The gift-giving sequence went bad even before my dad walked in the door after 4-12 days of being gone flying around the Pacific. My mother would have found fault with my behavior last week threatening me with "wait until your father gets home". Days later and a few hours before my father came home, my mother would work herself into a lather torturing me with reminders of how much trouble I was going to be in.
My poor dad. He would walk in the door after being gone from his family for days, then get yelled at by his wife demanding he punish his son for a misdeed that may or may not have happened as far back as two weeks ago. My dad, to his credit, usually did not take much action based on my agitated mother's reports. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. (In hindsight, there was likely sadness and confusion as well. What a horrible homecoming reception to look forward to.) Mother's yell-fests certainly stopped us from having a loving family moment when he got home with a cool toy. Instead, there anxiety & fear about his impending return.
I would get in trouble 3x over the same event: when the event happened; before my father got home; and then after my father got home. After all that drama, my father would give me his random gift in the original box with exotic foreign packaging such as the label being in Japanese. I became afraid to give gifts to others since the process involved them first being yelled at and then enduring psychological torture. I did not want to yell nor torture at others. I wanted to give them a small thoughtful gift to let them know I appreciated them.
Many times in my life, I would buy gifts for others then not be able to either: A) give them the gift at all; or B) give them the gift with love and grace. As a kid, I had a drawerful of ungiven gifts.
Today, thanks to the miracle of recovery, I am able practice giving gifts to others with unconditional love. Yesterday I bought a pair Skechers hiking boots for a friend that only had rubber boots for footwear. For the first time that I can remember, I took a care package over to a house-bound friend that was sick with a nasty head & chest cold. I was able to give both gifts with a quiet sense of love, grace and appreciation for my friends. It went well.
I am extremely grateful for my vastly improved communication in my relationships with others. Being open, honest and vulnerable with others is scary for me. Showing love and support for others helps to accept the same when it is given to me.
The gift-giving sequence went bad even before my dad walked in the door after 4-12 days of being gone flying around the Pacific. My mother would have found fault with my behavior last week threatening me with "wait until your father gets home". Days later and a few hours before my father came home, my mother would work herself into a lather torturing me with reminders of how much trouble I was going to be in.
My poor dad. He would walk in the door after being gone from his family for days, then get yelled at by his wife demanding he punish his son for a misdeed that may or may not have happened as far back as two weeks ago. My dad, to his credit, usually did not take much action based on my agitated mother's reports. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. (In hindsight, there was likely sadness and confusion as well. What a horrible homecoming reception to look forward to.) Mother's yell-fests certainly stopped us from having a loving family moment when he got home with a cool toy. Instead, there anxiety & fear about his impending return.
I would get in trouble 3x over the same event: when the event happened; before my father got home; and then after my father got home. After all that drama, my father would give me his random gift in the original box with exotic foreign packaging such as the label being in Japanese. I became afraid to give gifts to others since the process involved them first being yelled at and then enduring psychological torture. I did not want to yell nor torture at others. I wanted to give them a small thoughtful gift to let them know I appreciated them.
Many times in my life, I would buy gifts for others then not be able to either: A) give them the gift at all; or B) give them the gift with love and grace. As a kid, I had a drawerful of ungiven gifts.
Today, thanks to the miracle of recovery, I am able practice giving gifts to others with unconditional love. Yesterday I bought a pair Skechers hiking boots for a friend that only had rubber boots for footwear. For the first time that I can remember, I took a care package over to a house-bound friend that was sick with a nasty head & chest cold. I was able to give both gifts with a quiet sense of love, grace and appreciation for my friends. It went well.
I am extremely grateful for my vastly improved communication in my relationships with others. Being open, honest and vulnerable with others is scary for me. Showing love and support for others helps to accept the same when it is given to me.
Modern medicine and pain reduction
I have had a bladder infection for the last 3 months. In theory, it was cured two weeks ago when the lab test came back with a low bug count. In practice, 10 weeks of antibiotics knocked the count down, but did not kill all the bugs in my bladder.
Yesterday I had the initial go of fever & chills that is a prelude to stronger symptoms. Also, I woke up with a sinus/chest cold. I started another course of antibiotics that I got from the pharmacy on Monday which is the standard response. A new element for me was to take ibuprofen for a twinge in my shoulder and the flare-up of chronic neuralgic pain in my right hip somehow exacerbated by the infection. I can't take aspirin due to complications from an anticoagulant that I take to avoid further blood clots in my left thigh.
Within 30 minutes, the two medications made me feel better than I had all day. To feel better so quickly was a wonderful feeling of wellness and security . I took some more antibiotic and ibuprofen this morning. My pain level was less than the worst pain from last night. Now it is down to a sort of quiet white noise of pain with mild sharp stabs of pain every few seconds in my right hip. I have mindful pain management techniques that mitigate the sharp stabbing.
Bladder infections used to be the leading cause of death for people with spinal cord injuries. Next Tuesday, I will go to a different urologist at Harborview for a different approach to curing my chronic infection.
I am grateful for the miracle of modern pharmacology that quickly treats what ails me. It is infinitely better than the alternative.
Yesterday I had the initial go of fever & chills that is a prelude to stronger symptoms. Also, I woke up with a sinus/chest cold. I started another course of antibiotics that I got from the pharmacy on Monday which is the standard response. A new element for me was to take ibuprofen for a twinge in my shoulder and the flare-up of chronic neuralgic pain in my right hip somehow exacerbated by the infection. I can't take aspirin due to complications from an anticoagulant that I take to avoid further blood clots in my left thigh.
Within 30 minutes, the two medications made me feel better than I had all day. To feel better so quickly was a wonderful feeling of wellness and security . I took some more antibiotic and ibuprofen this morning. My pain level was less than the worst pain from last night. Now it is down to a sort of quiet white noise of pain with mild sharp stabs of pain every few seconds in my right hip. I have mindful pain management techniques that mitigate the sharp stabbing.
Bladder infections used to be the leading cause of death for people with spinal cord injuries. Next Tuesday, I will go to a different urologist at Harborview for a different approach to curing my chronic infection.
I am grateful for the miracle of modern pharmacology that quickly treats what ails me. It is infinitely better than the alternative.
Feeling Good about Making Progress
My New Year's resolution is to go to a meeting a day for 90 days creating a new habit of my attending a meeting a day. Today's technique is focused on Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg, Director, Persuasive Tech Lab
Stanford University. My new tiny habits will be to read the Daily Reflections and meditate after writing my Gratitude Blog each morning.
Incorporating these activities into my morning routine will:
A) give me a morning routine
B) yield a sense of success for proper mental health self-care each morning
C) create an optimistic desire for further success each day leading to a desire to be even more successful by going to a meeting each day.
D) give me the faith & security to attempt other tasks in the course of my day
E) a more coalesced sense of self—I am the guy with this morning routine
I am grateful for the gumption to work on changing my life for the better, my new-found support group of 12-step newcomers Michelle and Joey also writing a gratitude list each day, and well over 2000 12-step meetings in the greater Seattle Area.
Stanford University. My new tiny habits will be to read the Daily Reflections and meditate after writing my Gratitude Blog each morning.
Incorporating these activities into my morning routine will:
A) give me a morning routine
B) yield a sense of success for proper mental health self-care each morning
C) create an optimistic desire for further success each day leading to a desire to be even more successful by going to a meeting each day.
D) give me the faith & security to attempt other tasks in the course of my day
E) a more coalesced sense of self—I am the guy with this morning routine
I am grateful for the gumption to work on changing my life for the better, my new-found support group of 12-step newcomers Michelle and Joey also writing a gratitude list each day, and well over 2000 12-step meetings in the greater Seattle Area.
Creating a new habit
My New Year's resolution of going to 90 meetings in 90 days is a prelude to creating a new habit of going to a meeting of everyday. I am working on a systematic effort to create a new habit based on http://www.christinecarter.com/cracking-the-habit-code-free-online-class teachings to create a new habit in 21 days.
The day one lecture was to chose one new routine to create & implement. That is 90 meetings in 90 days for me. Day two is to create an Anchor Activity. The anchor activity will serve as a positive trigger to create a willing desire to do the new routing. My anchor activity is to write my Gratitude Blog in the morning. I always feel better and successful after writing. That creates a desire to do another activity that will also make me feel better.
Writing in the morning and then going to a meeting everyday will actually create two new habits for me. Writing my Gratitude Blog is established habit. It was easy to change to writing in the morning to ensure that even if I broke my morning writing routine, I would still have plenty of time to complete this activity. Success builds on success. Having already been successful writing, it is a lot easier to focus on being successful at attending a meeting. A strong optimistic belief that I will continue to be successful and feel good is a new way attitude for me to have in my life. Family of origin issues gave me of more Hobbesian perspective of life being something to be endured. Today, I get to have the perspective that life is to be successfully enjoyed and participated in with others.
I am grateful for my willingness and desire to create positive new habits in my life. A new found level of humility combined with a high level of literacy are making it easy for me to use proven new tools such as Cracking the Habit Code to change my life for the better by implementing new habits in only three weeks.
The day one lecture was to chose one new routine to create & implement. That is 90 meetings in 90 days for me. Day two is to create an Anchor Activity. The anchor activity will serve as a positive trigger to create a willing desire to do the new routing. My anchor activity is to write my Gratitude Blog in the morning. I always feel better and successful after writing. That creates a desire to do another activity that will also make me feel better.
Writing in the morning and then going to a meeting everyday will actually create two new habits for me. Writing my Gratitude Blog is established habit. It was easy to change to writing in the morning to ensure that even if I broke my morning writing routine, I would still have plenty of time to complete this activity. Success builds on success. Having already been successful writing, it is a lot easier to focus on being successful at attending a meeting. A strong optimistic belief that I will continue to be successful and feel good is a new way attitude for me to have in my life. Family of origin issues gave me of more Hobbesian perspective of life being something to be endured. Today, I get to have the perspective that life is to be successfully enjoyed and participated in with others.
I am grateful for my willingness and desire to create positive new habits in my life. A new found level of humility combined with a high level of literacy are making it easy for me to use proven new tools such as Cracking the Habit Code to change my life for the better by implementing new habits in only three weeks.
Glad it is not me
Saw my friend Lea yesterday. She was in heinous pain from an uncertain ailment. She had been previously diagnosed with Lupus. It is highly likely the cause of her pain is Lupus. Smoking, using drugs and eating red meat are all triggers for Lupus flare-ups—she does all that. She did not admit to it, but that has to very scary, if not completely terrifying to have a painful degenerative condition. The good news is that Lupus can be managed with diet and medicine to be a low-impact condition.
Fear of unknown ailments, especially ones involving heinous pain, is one of the scariest things in my life. It am sure that is also true for Lea. Fear combined with the immense pain she was suffering and her heroin addiction makes her an extremely likely candidate for suicide by accidental overdose. I shared my concern with her and asked her if she was sick and tired enough of being sick & tired to consider an alternative to the using lifestyle of a heroin-addicted prostitute such as sobriety. She pretty much swallowed that question without response. If it had not been for her incredible pain, I would not have said anything to her about trying sobriety. When people are sweating from their pain, it is assuredly more pain than I want to experience. She was not having fun. Her flare-up has been going on for at least two weeks.
I have had a spinal cord injury (SCI) for 31+ years. There are temporal secondary affects such as bladder infections or wounds that are slow to heal. The SCI has not changed since the moment I was paralyzed. Aside from hoping for a cure in the early years, I have always been grateful for the stability of my disability with great empathy for those who suffer from degenerative conditions such as auto-immune diseases like MS or Lupus.
I am extremely grateful for the stability of my SCI, my pension from Workmen's Compensation and SSDI, and the lifetime medical 100% insurance coverage for assistive devices including wheelchairs and shower benches. (I already ordered a new shower bench this morning. They last a couple of years before the padding gets torn or falling apart.) I am also grateful for my 45 days of sobriety today.
Fear of unknown ailments, especially ones involving heinous pain, is one of the scariest things in my life. It am sure that is also true for Lea. Fear combined with the immense pain she was suffering and her heroin addiction makes her an extremely likely candidate for suicide by accidental overdose. I shared my concern with her and asked her if she was sick and tired enough of being sick & tired to consider an alternative to the using lifestyle of a heroin-addicted prostitute such as sobriety. She pretty much swallowed that question without response. If it had not been for her incredible pain, I would not have said anything to her about trying sobriety. When people are sweating from their pain, it is assuredly more pain than I want to experience. She was not having fun. Her flare-up has been going on for at least two weeks.
I have had a spinal cord injury (SCI) for 31+ years. There are temporal secondary affects such as bladder infections or wounds that are slow to heal. The SCI has not changed since the moment I was paralyzed. Aside from hoping for a cure in the early years, I have always been grateful for the stability of my disability with great empathy for those who suffer from degenerative conditions such as auto-immune diseases like MS or Lupus.
I am extremely grateful for the stability of my SCI, my pension from Workmen's Compensation and SSDI, and the lifetime medical 100% insurance coverage for assistive devices including wheelchairs and shower benches. (I already ordered a new shower bench this morning. They last a couple of years before the padding gets torn or falling apart.) I am also grateful for my 45 days of sobriety today.
A New Year's Resolution of 90 meetings in 90 meetings — Cracking the Habit Code
This year, I have decided to make one NYR that I will do my best to achieve. Historically, my NYR's were about as serious as wishes before blowing out the candles on a birthday cake or hoping for money from the tooth fairy.
My resolution for 2013 is to attend 90 meetings in the 90 days. It is a simple resolution that will reduce my isolation leading to much more social interaction with others afflicted with the same cunning baffling and powerful malady of alcoholism and/or addiction. This will also help me find more newcomers to work with to help us both stay sober.
When I first started going to meetings in mid-1999, I went to 175 meetings in 90 days. I was not able to stay sober, but I was able to keep going to meetings. After a geographic change from Kirkland to Bellevue, I did achieve 5 years, one year and almost 6 years of continuous sobriety. Going to meetings was the single most important activity towards helping me stay sober. I ended 2012 attending 15 meetings in 15 days.
I am going to use a 21-day online audio lecture by Dr Christine Carter Cracking the Habit Code to help create a new habit of going to meetings on a daily basis.
I am grateful for all the resources available to help me stay sober such as: writing my Gratitude Blog; online lectures on changing habits; 100+ meetings/week within a mile of my home; good friends that support me; friends I have not yet met to talk with at the meetings; 12-step literature; and the experience of millions that have proven the 12-step program as one of the most powerful methods ever developed to change lives for better.
It is a glorious new year.
PS: 2012 went out with a thud. I wrote yesterday about how interacting with my mother is a huge trigger for my using. While meeting with my sponsor Charlie at Crossroads Mall yesterday, somebody tapped me on my shoulder. To my surprise and dismay, it was my mother. I had never run into my mother in public before in my 53 years. It was a short polite cold conversation. After parting with Charlie, I bought a few things at QFC. My mother ended being in line behind me. I did not see her until she asked "Are you following me?". I replied with a curt no and left the store.
My sponsor said I needed to get over my resentments. My reply was that there is a lot of pain from my past experiences with my mother. It is not resentment that keeps me from talking with her. Self-preservation from knowing that she has been my biggest relapse trigger over the last 13 years is what keeps me away from my mother.
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