A Good Day in the Life
Today was the best day I have had in a long time. For most people it might have been nothing
special, spend time with a friend, Costco lunch & shopping, another friend,
meeting, dinner at home with friend and tv with friend. For me, that was a fantastic day in
recovery. I am incredibly grateful for
my 29 days of sobriety—this day would not have happened had I been broke and
depressed.
A warm place to live on a cold night
It is
supposed to snow tomorrow for the first time this season. The rain & clouds looked like snow when
I was driving to Crossroads Mall this afternoon. It was only a cold rain in the lowlands. There was undoubtedly lots of snow in the
Cascade mountains 20 miles east of Bellevue.
After
meeting with Gigi and Mary at the mall, I did some grocery shopping and met
Mary at the Alano Club for a meeting of CoDA (Codependents Anonymous). Mary and I had dinner at the club during the
meeting.
It was a
peculiar interaction of wanna-be helpful people that were less than completely
helpful. I use a wheelchair to get
around. The CoDA members managed to place objects in
my way six times before, during and after the meeting. One lady pulled her car up so close to the
ramp while I was next to it that I had to knock on the hood of her car to get
her to back up three feet.
In the
meeting room, the group leader had arranged the chairs to block my way into the
room. When I opened the door to get in,
she moved her scarf. I moved the chairs
out of my way to get to the room so I
could close the door. The inside door
that led to the café was also blocked by chairs. I moved them out of my way to the café. When I came back, the inside door was propped
open by a chair—that was in my way. I
got around that chair and made a spot for myself in the second row of a small
circle of chairs so I could eat my dinner without bothering or being bothered by
others sitting too close to me.
The group
leader was flummoxed by the chaos of a less than perfect circle. She ended up rearranging chairs so as to trap
me in the back of the room. She asked if
there was anything else she could do to help,
I suggested she not be so co-dependent at the CoDA meeting. After the meeting, the leader left her chair
placed in front of the outside door. It
was dysfunctionally impressive. I have
never been blocked out by fellow group members 6x in a month, much less at one
60-minute meeting.
It was a
cozy meeting with Xmas lights on the wall and electric candle on the floor in
the center of the meeting space. I felt
right at home at the meeting in a way I had not felt since my first Alanon
meeting 13.5 years ago.
A steak
dinner, a great meeting, good fellowship, and then helping an AA member with
one day of sobriety made for a great trip to the Alano Club. Laughs with Mary made it all the better.
I came home,
put my groceries away and preemptively took out the garbage so I did not get
stuck in my apt with full trash cans and snow on the ground.
I am grateful
for warm supportive places to be, warm & loving friends and a warm place to
live. My cats are also warm, loving and
friendly cats. It is a good night.
A Power Greater Than Myself
I get paid
on the 3rd and 15th of each month. The
15th falls on a Saturday this month, so I got paid on Friday the 14th. I had paid the credit card bill linked to my
new checking account at US Bank by 6 AM as a safety precaution to avoid
spending all my money smoking crack. I
still had enough money to go on a binge of addiction and could not stop
thinking about using throughout the day.
I made phone
calls to friends in the program and went to two meetings tonight. I heard enough and spent enough time at the
Alano Club of the Eastside to stay sober one more day. My own best thinking would have had me broke
and depressed by now. It was the first
time I had been to the Alano Club this year.
It is located 10 blocks due north
of my apartment and is about 5 minute drive door-to-door. I will go there more often in the future.
My addiction
is cunning, baffling and powerful. It
spent the day trying to persuade that smoking crack would be an entertaining
way to spend the day and that the consequences would have little downside. The reality is that I have a fatal
progressive disease. It has been since
last March that I had 26 days of sobriety.
It is 2 AM
Saturday morning, that makes 27 days now.
I am grateful for my continuous sobriety. It took a power greater than myself to keep
me sober today. Now I will go to bed,
read my Kindle and get some sleep. When
I wake up I will focus on staying sober, once again, one day at a time.
Volunteering at the Washington State Reformatory
One the
second Thursday of the month, I volunteer at the WSR in Monroe. We attend a 12-step recovery meeting led by
inmates. Next month will be 12 years of
volunteering at the WSR. I get more out
of this service work than I put into it—it makes my life much better every time
I go and really helps me to be grateful for what I have.
Tonight,
Leslee and I drove out to the WSR with two boxes of 12-step books worth $300
that was contributed by the local recovery fellowship. Unfortunately the meeting was canceled due to
a staff training night. I+ called the
liaison volunteer Jasper and arranged to meet him to give him the
literature. It was like a photographic
negative of a drug deal. We waited in
the parking lot of a gas station for 15 minutes, made our transaction by giving
Jasper the books and then drove off with no money.
Instead of
using to get high, Leslee and got high
on life and our ability to help others while enjoying each other's
company. Leslee has been a very good
friend to me for years and I am grateful to have her in my life.
A quick CAT scan + talking with others at UWMC
Went to the U of Washington Medical Center (UWMC) for a CAT scan today. Got in at 10:47 and was done by 11:05. Took a couple hours of hanging out to get the results from the doctor. While waiting I had lunch chatting with the new father next to me that was there to support his wife and premie baby that was born 6 weeks early. After lunch, I saw a recovery friend in the hallway and talked with him for 30 minutes about the siren call of active addiction and how to avoid getting sucked back in. This was the most social trip I have ever made to a hospital for a procedure.
I am working on improving my relationships with others by being present in the moment. I am grateful for the improvement in the depth of my interactions with others.
I am working on improving my relationships with others by being present in the moment. I am grateful for the improvement in the depth of my interactions with others.
Relapse and Recovery
I had
relapse last March that took me back to months of active addiction. One of the first things I gave up during my
using was writing about Gratitude Blog. Low
bottom addicts focus solely on getting more drugs and ways to get more drugs. Once they have more drugs, the majority are
still incredibly unhappy. Their
conversations are limited to bad shit that has happened to themselves and other
people.
The new ways
of thinking that had become habits while writing about gratitude quite likely
saved my life. I refused to focus on the
negative and remained focused on the positive events in my life—even if that
was only the short-lived high from smoking crack cocaine. That focus enabled me to continue going to AA
meetings and eventually find sobriety again.
Today I have 20 days clean and sober.
That is a god-given miracle that I could not achieve on my own.
Until last
summer, in my entire life I have never had a girlfriend that was an
addict/alcoholic. I met a lady named Lea
that I fell in love with. Lea is one of
the smartest, kindest, most loving people I have ever met. She was also very pretty with an attractive
slim figure. After a couple of dates,
she stayed with me for ten weeks. I
learned a lot from Lea and am very grateful for having had her in my life.
Lea was
addicted to IV heroin and would get dope-sick
if she did not use heroin every day. I used
to think I was the most self-destructive person I knew. I now know that there are many people vastly
more self-destructive on a daily basis than I ever thought about being. For example, her teeth went from being in
good shape to needing to have them all pulled and replaced with dentures in the
last two years. Even with multiple
tooth infections that were insanely painful and could not be treated with
narcotics due to her heroin addiction, she is so messed-up (from issues of
self-esteem and asking others for help) that she can't even call the free dental
clinic to get the painful remainder of what is left of her teeth pulled.
Lea has been
gone for ten weeks now. I still think (obsess?)
about her multiple times a day. I both
miss her and am glad she is out of my life.
I would not have been able to get sober with her still around. Part of my missing her is that I did really
like her. Another part of missing her is
my cunning baffling and powerful addiction trying to find a way to trick me
into using again by finding a way to get Lea to spend more time with me.
There was a
downside to having Lea in my life. I
spent thousands of dollars buying her heroin (she left the day I stopped buying
her heroin**). In some respects that was a blessing in disguise because
I would have otherwise spent the money smoking more crack becoming even more
addicted.
I had not
had a girlfriend in eleven years. My
fears of rejection and loss along with my insecurities exacerbated by paraplegia
prevented me from being available for a relationship. I know now that I really want a girlfriend
and am willing to go to any length to maintain my sobriety and be available for
a relationship with a significant other.
One huge
blessing I got during my relapse was deciding to no longer be a victim full of
self-pity. It was not so much a
deliberate choice on my part as it was a god-given new found level of
maturity. I am responsible for my own
life as it is from here on out. Things
will happen beyond my control. How I
respond to those events is what will transform me from a victim full of
self-pity into being a survivor living a life that is happy, joyous and free.
I am
grateful for my life, financial security, and friends in recovery.
**Lea did try to quit using heroin for 4 days by substituting other drugs such as Xanex and Subutex. It was like watching a balloon deflate when she quit trying to stop using--she lost her courage and was overwhelmed by fear in the space of a tragic moment.
**Lea did try to quit using heroin for 4 days by substituting other drugs such as Xanex and Subutex. It was like watching a balloon deflate when she quit trying to stop using--she lost her courage and was overwhelmed by fear in the space of a tragic moment.
a trip to my GP/MD
My doctor wants me to go see her every month for a blood test. If we did it my way, I would go when I had an emergency. As a compromise, she tells me to come back in a month and I schedule for 6 weeks. Went to see her today. Reciting the litany of problems I had in the last month gave us both some perspective on what a crappy month it was. It rained off-n-on for the first 4 days of her vacation in Hawaii last month. Vastly different problem sets!
I love my doctor and am grateful to have her. There wasn't a lot she could do to change my medications to make me better in the future, but she was at least very empathetic and shared her appreciation for reading Flourish.
Feeling better
Had a really rough time for the last 4ish weeks as a result of physical health problems with cascading mental health issues from depression and my own best thinking. I am much better now.
When I see my doctor tomorrow, we will discuss stronger pro-active measures for improved physical health besides being on a mild anti-biotic everyday for the last 10 years. It helped in its time, but now it might be time for something more.
I am grateful for my vastly improved mental and physical health.
2012-04-01 April Fool's
I don't like "pranks" having seen all too many abusive incidents in my life that were so-called pranks. Heard a few humorous April Fool's jokes today. That was good enough for me.
I am grateful that I neither abused anybody nor was abused by anybody today in the name of an April Fool's prank.
The rainiest March
While most of the lower 48 enjoyed record warm spells for the month of March, the Pacific NW got record rainfall. Spokane set an all-time record dating back to 1881. Portland had the second most all-time. Seattle had the third wettest March on record.
Now if we can keep those April showers down to a sprinkle, it would be fine by me.
Actually, I thought we had a reasonably pleasant winter. While I am a wuss with the rain, I am a total wimp with the sub-freezing temperatures for driving in the snow & ice or having to scrape the ice off my car that is parked outside.
My sister's new home is almost finished. It will be a showplace of tropical beauty.
Phyllis's 92 birthday party
Phyllis and her (now deceased) husband Jim have hosted 12-step birthday parties once a month in the Seattle area since 1984 when it was on a houseboat in Lake Union. Tonight she had a birthday party at the assisted living facility she moved to in 2010.
Her daughter, one son and two granddaughters were there, along with at least 20 people that have spent considerable time with Phyllis in the last 30 years. It was amazing to see a person that old with so many active friends. There were 70+ people at her birthday party, a good many of them were less than half her age. We all had great respect for her, all that she has done to help others and to carry the message of recovery. She has helped many people in humble ways. Turns out that she helped the women-only treatment facility Residence XII ("Res 12") get started 30 years ago. More than a few of us did not know that. Res 12 has provided alcohol & drug abuse rehab to thousands of women on the Eastside in a way that co-ed facilities just can't match.
Ten people spoke of there experiences with Phyllis over the years. The sweetest one was her 25ish year old granddaughter talking about the impact her grandmother had in her life. Half the people in the room were crying in a good way as she shared her gratitude for having such a kind and loving grandmother.
It was great to see how much love there was in the room for Phyllis. While it was sad to think there is a good chance I will never talk with my mother again, it was nice to have other great role models that displayed love and kindness with grace to all.
I am grateful for the wonderful role models in my life. They teach me how to be humble, love and help others.
dinner with Dan at Mona's Bistro
I usually take Dan out to lunch once a month. Tonight we went out for an early dinner at Mona's Bistro. The dinner was delicious. I told the waitress to surprise me. I got lamb sliders for an appetizer, arugula salad, braised short ribs with garlic mashed potatoes and a lemon custard dessert. The short ribs were more like large tender chunks of pot roast. Not something I would usually order. It was yummy comfort food.
Dan was not doing so well. He got dentures six-ish months ago and they were hurting him tonight. Being hungry, not being able to eat and being in pain exacerbated his mental health issues that lead to negative thinking. That gets a vicious downward cycle started. If my teeth hurt when I chew, I would not order steak. Dan could not eat much of his ribeye and took most of it home with him. He was took several mild valium-like muscle relaxants today. I was less than thrilled when he explained about the pills after he ordered a beer.
He was better off for having got out of his apartment when I took him home. That was as much help as I could do for today.
early morning Snohomish road-trip with the team
Part of volunteering for a 12-step program at the local prison is to do a training update once a year. Today was the day for retraining. We met at the club on NE 8th at 7:15 and drove to Snohomish. It was a cold wet drive with snowflakes falling like tracers in the rain. A bit of muffin, some conversation with other volunteers we only see at the training and then it was time for about an hour of federally mandated training to not rape or sexually abuse the prisoners per the Prison Rape Elimination Act (PREA) guidelines.
While it is not likely to be an issue for those that I volunteer with, it does protect the prisoners from abusive guards. On the face of it, the training seems a bit excessive. In reality, it does force the volunteers to check in once a year in a show of interest and understanding of their responsibilities.
Prisons in America have a lot of secondary racial discrimination affects. 40% of our prison population is black. There was not a single ethnic minority at the volunteer retraining. Of the 30 older white volunteers, there were seven women. It is good to have many volunteers. It is tragic how the ethnic minority populations have essentially abandoned their people in a classic example of out of sight, out of mind.
I am grateful for our little team of volunteers, Margie, Leslee and Lisa, that carpool with me to the prison meetings on the second Thursday of each month and retraining. Our relationship, service work and time together is very important to me.
reading good books in a series sequentially
I love to read, especially hard/milatary science fiction. A favorite method of reading selection is to find an author I like and read all of the books in a series. It leads to a bit of an author overdose, but also makes for easy remembering of what happened in the preceding books in a series. Currently, I am on my 4th book in the Lt. Leary series by David Drake that I started reading last week.
Drake is in no danger of winning a Nobel prize for literature. That is okay. I read for escapist pleasure, not to think about deep philosophical perspectives that strike me as high-falutin nonsense.
The Daniel Silva books with the character Gabriel Allon are a nice example of the spy-vs-spy books in a series. Unfortunately, I have not read them sequentially. It is nice to have a favorite author waiting in reserve for when I finish the Lt. Leary series.
cool new tech toys I hope to have someday soon
The Apple iPad 3 is already on sale—in Sydney, AU. It will be available here in the US on Friday morning. I am not an Apple fanbois due to my inherent resistance to being locked into a proprietary platform. I do have great admiration for the perfectionism of Steve Jobs in his pursuit of design excellence. He was one of the greatest entrepreneur's of the last 50 years. The Apple II, the Mac,iPod, iPhone, and iPad were all products he brought to market that were both revolutionary and light-years ahead of the competition. He made our world a better place for all of us.
I have non-techie friends that want the whole iWorld of iPhone, iPad and MacBook. It is one of the greatest product placement and marketing schemes of all time. Buy into the Apple ecosystem and everything is a (relatively) seamless transition from one device to another. If my time was more valuable, that would be important to me.
As it is, I have lots of time with less money. There is a good deal of hobbying enjoyment to be had in playing with the guts of my PCs.
I have been too budget-minded to pay the 3-figure monthly fees for a Smartphone call/data plan. The 4G plans are dropping rates like a rock. Sometime soon, I will get an Android tablet. My "best using" excuse is to serve as a map/GPS device while driving (in asynchronous mode). Since I have an excellent sense of direction and rarely get lost, this is really all about getting a new toy.
I could use a tablet as an e-reader, but doubt that it would be any improvement on my Kindle. I guess I am going to have to buy a tablet, find my favorite uses for it and then retroactively justify the purchase to myself—that or just say I want a new toy!
working with my doctor's office on an Rx problem
I take 11 pills of five different prescription medicines every day. I refill the scripts at the beginning of each month. This month there was a problem with a prescription having expired leaving me with a partial refill. Normally, the pharmacy contacts my doctor's office and they fax back a refill prescription in a day or two due to my doctor only working 3 days/week.
This month that process broke down. The pharmacy contacted my doctor and claimed to have not gotten a response. They contacted my doctor's office again and were turned down for a refill. One call to my doctor's office got the problem straightened out within 15 minutes. Turned out the pharmacy had somehow lost the original refill. After the problem was resolved, Amy from my doctor's office called me back to explain the situation and let me know it was resolved. If only all problems in life could be fixed that easily.
My pharmacy is easy to work with. They gave me a short supply of meds to hold me over while the problem was resolved.
By contrast, I have dealing with Asus to get an upscale PC motherboard replaced for over a month now. Everytime I call, they promise to get back to me with a response. That rarely happens and it never fixes the problem. Today I got a promise for a call and an email tomorrow from a second level tech. Chances are slim I will be talking up Asus as a viable alternative to Samsung or MSI.
I am grateful for great customer service where I need it most—at my pharmacy. Even the bad customer service is a minor inconvenience since I simply bought an MSI mobo while waiting for Asus to get it together. Soon I will be stuck with two really fast PCs. That is pretty darned close to being a good problem!
gaining perspective from others
Took a new friend, Della, out to lunch today at the 5 Guys burger franchise in Canyon Park. Acquaintances have claimed their burgers to be the best in the land. I thought I would see for myself. The burgers were good. Prices were a bit stiff for fast food. $25 for 2 bacon cheeseburgers with fries and a pop. Their schtick is that the burgers are meat and a bun with all condiments and upgrades ordered individually. It was nice, but I can get an incredible burger from the John Howie steakhouse less than a mile away during happy hour for the same price. Opinions vary…
Della was raised in a family of devout Jehovah's Witness. I had to come home to look that up on Wikipedia. Being a JW means no Christmas, birthday parties or other celebrations. She is 34 years old and never had a birthday party. I took her out for a burger and a mini-shopping spree for toiletries, shampoo and underwear at Wal-Mart in Lynnwood. That was ranked as one of her better birthday celebrations—ever.
My wheelchair vendor/mechanic moved from a mile down the street to Lynnwood. I am grateful to have workmen's compensation disability insurance that covers the cost of my wheelchair parts. Two fancy bicycle-like tires cost at least $100 since they are made out of a gum rubber that does not like black skid marks on the floor like a bicycle tire would.
It was a blustery spring day in Seattle today. The snow level was at about 500 feet in elevation, so there was snow on the local hills in Bellevue. Got to drive through a snow-squall for ten minutes are our way through the Seattle. It felt good to know that the snow would not stick around and mess up the roads & traffic.
Talked with another lady that is still out there using. She was trying to get money working as a street-walker to buy drugs when she called me. I offered to help her if she wanted to stay clean. She choose to stay outside in the freezing rain. She claims to be trying to get sober to have custody of her kids. Her definition of sober includes using methadone which she gets from a clinic 6 days a week. I don't know anybody on the methadone maintenance program that is really doing well. That phone conversation made me very grateful to be lying in my giant bed with my comforter, cats, Kindle and TV remote.
Talking with others that in are the midst of difficult challenges helps me to be more grateful for what I have. I am grateful for what I have today.
longer evening daylight thanks to DST
My perception of Daylight Savings Time is that it is a lame trick by our government to make us feel like they are taking productive action to reduce our dependence on foreign oil or some other complete non sequiturial as a slight of hand to reduce focus on having to deal with real solutions for real issues. Having to change eight clocks twice a year is an annoying task. At least my PCs change their time by themselves.
I am grateful for the extra hour of evening light as a result of switching to DST.
glad it's not me
A married woman with young children came to our meeting tonight for time second time in the last month. At a glance, it was easy to see that she was in heinous pain from drinking again. She shared her tale of bad choices leading to horrific results of being blocked from her own home by CPS after trying to drive her kids home from school after drinking.
She was bawling and sobbing and crying like only the drowning can. She was still going a few minutes after the meeting was scheduled to end. Our secretary gracefully interrupted her rant and ended the meeting. All the rest of us had been away from that sort of pain for months, years or decades. It was a good reminder of how bad it is. We were all glad it was not us.
being sung "Happy Birthday" in prison
On our monthly meeting at the Washington State Reformatory, Leslee mentioned to an inmate that it was my birthday earlier last week. The people at the meeting then sang me happy birthday. We had never done that before. It was nice to be serenaded by my friends. It was especially nice knowing that I did not have to spend my birthday in prison—for years on end.
I am grateful for my freedom and for my friends that do random acts of kindness towards me. Leslee gave me cookies and a card. Lisa gave me "cat butt" refrigerator magnets that are funny, slightly disturbing and cute. Charlie and Margie gave me a card and a box of chocolates. Mark gave me a card with a packet of ghoulish head stickers—a family tradition for him and his 24-year old daughter—that I was honored to be included in on.
having a friend over for lunch
My childhood was spent with my dysfunctional family that left more than a few emotional scars. One of those scars shows up in that I rarely have people over to my apartment and am even less likely to have them over for a meal.
Today my friend Angie came to visit and hang out for a bit. We were both hungry and so I made lunch. The lunch was a delicious meal of rib-eye steaks, shrimp, asparagus and Texas toast. It went well.
longer days and shorter nights
It was a weird sunny spring day in Seattle today. The next town over, Issaquah, got a thin blanket of snow. Best of all, we had 11 hours and 27 minutes of daylight. Another two weeks and we will have 12+ hours of daylight.
happy birthday to me
Turned 53 today. It was a good birthday spending time with friends, driving around on a nice day, saw a few snowflakes and finally got my ultimate home theater PC working this afternoon. After that, it was dinner with Della at the Cellars restaurant in Seattle's Belltown neighborhood. My sister sent me a birthday email and a generous gift certificate to Amazon.com.
Bob Saget
Went to see Bob Saget do his comedy routine at the Snoqualmie Casino tonight. He was wonderfully funny, entertaining and more than slightly vulgar.
learning more about psychology and how my mind works
Growing up in a dysfunctional family home, the last thing in the world I wanted to know was what others were thinking and how their mind works. I had thought about being a psychologist thinking it would be a terrible profession having to absorb negativity all day long from the thoughts and words from others.
In the last few years, I have learned how to help myself and others with wisdom far beyond the power of positive thinking. Examples abound. Praising a child for being smart can be counterproductive. Smart girls do great at math—until it gets so complex that they have to study. Then they get disappointed and quit when they are no longer smart enough to grasp concepts with no effort. Praising kids for working hard to solve a problem reinforces the idea that it takes diligent effort/work to accomplish difficult tasks.
It used to be that the only tool I had to take away someone's pain was to poke them somewhere else as if they could not simultaneously feel pain in two places. While far from great at helping others with their pain, I am fantastically better at it than I was with the terrible skills I was taught as a child.
I am grateful that I have learned new skills in being able listen to, talk with and support others.
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