The opposite of gratitude...ingratitude or being ungrateful.

Reading Emmons book on gratitude Thanks, he discusses people that have neutral or negative gratitude. Paraphrasing greatly, being an ingrate or ungrateful is a close spiritual equivalent to a crime against god.

I recently interacted with some people that were incredibly ungrateful for significant help from others. It was a flashback to hanging out with people in active addiction & alcoholics that are still drinking. There was no sense of responsibility for the negative events they had recently experienced and little meaningful thankfulness for the support they were getting from others. In other words, there was no pleasing them no matter what was done for them.

People with a Narcissistic Personality disorder were also found to have (much) less gratitude than others. Since the NPDs think so much of themselves and so much time thinking about themselves, they had little time to think of others or have empathy for them.

In thinking about my teenage years when my family was falling apart made me realize how ungrateful I was for the gifts that I had. I was an angry young man and mad at the world. There was little room for gratitude in my spiritual toolkit. The reasons why that was true matter little in hindsight. Even the missed opportunity of many potential good memories, while tragic, matters little at this time. What does matter is that I know now how to be grateful for the gifts I have. It took me a long time to learn this, but thank god that I did finally a strong sense of gratitude in my life.

I strive to focus on the good stuff with my gratitude blog posts. Tonight's reading about the lack of gratitude struck a chord reminding how it used to be. All the more reason to be grateful now.

Gratitude for Relationships

My sponsor and I have taken to meeting on Monday afternoons at 3 PM. We meet at the library, chat for a few minutes, read to each other from pamphlets and such, discuss and then meditate for three minutes. After meeting for 90 minutes, I do some quick grocery shopping and then go to a meeting at Coastal Treatment facility at 5 PM.

Today's mindful meditation was, as faithful readers might expect, on gratitude. I had a novel experience for me today in that while 'visualizing' my gratitude, my focus was on the great relationships I have in my life. Charlie, Margie, Leslee, Sandy, Carol and others are the best relationships with friends that I have ever had in my life. They don't ask me for much (if anything) and I don’t ask them for much. We just spend time together, have high regard for each other, and support each other to be in gratitude and spirituality.

My new roommate Elma is awesome. She cleaned the kitchen including the pantry and behind the refrigerator. I love having a really clean kitchen. After that, she made Beef Wellington, spinach salad and French bread for dinner. Okay, the Beef Wellington was frozen merely needing to be baked for 30 minutes and the French bread just needed to be sliced. Still, it was an awesome dinner. We sat together at the table enjoying food and companionship. Elma even declined my offer to do the dishes after dinner. She is skyrocketing up the list to be one of my favorite roommates ever!

Monday was a great day, for that I am grateful.

The King County Library System - KCLS

Early childhood memories include reading every book on Greek, Roman and Norse religion in my elementary school when I was by 4th grade and getting books from the Auburn public library. The Auburn Public Library was incorporated into the King County Library system decades ago. 

 I have always loved reading throughout my life. I read books once and put them down until I have forgotten most of the book. If they are still around, I will read the ones I like again. My book collection has always been small-ish. Books are expensive, heavy and take up space when accumulating a collection.

 My preferred book source is the library. There is a large central library a mile away and an excellent small satellite library at my favorite local mall. I can order books online and pick them up at the library when my turn comes up. For new popular books, the wait can be months. That is not a problem for me. There are 500,000 other books to read at the library while waiting for reserved books. 

 While looking for books on gratitude, the pickings were slim at the library. The KCLS has access to two online libraries featuring both audio and text ebooks. After some modest difficulty, I have downloaded audio ebooks to my PC. I have worked my way through 2.5 books on gratitude. One book was not for me due to writing and the narrator. The other two are good books and with good narration. 

 Naturally once I found this gold mine of easily accessed books, I started listening to audio books. While writing this post, I am listening to The Demon in the Freezer: A True Story. The books is about deadly Smallpox infections. 

 Much of last year, I anticipated buying an Android version of an iPad. My timeline was a bit optimistic for when a deluge of tablets will hit the stores. My original wish was for an e-reader like a Kindle. Feature creep has expanded the scope of my wish-list to more nearly seeking a miniaturized laptop sans keyboard. 

 My initial desire for an e-reader was to turn ebooks into large print books so I could read without my glasses. Now it will be more like 24/7 access to the internet and books. I have free access to thousands of sci-fi ebooks for free. When I get my ereader, it will be the biggest reading fest in my life! Guess I know what I am getting for my birthday! 

 We enjoy a gloriously rich world of literature from any PC on the web that would have shamed the fabled Library of Alexandria. For all that, I am grateful, and I love it.

Modern medications

I take 6 prescription medications for a total of 13 pills every day.  My workmen's compensation insurance pays 100% of the cost of medication.  I phone in a refill and pick it up the next day with a signature at my local Rite-Aid.  

Rite-Aid actually has fantastic customer service for a medical products vendor.  It is not that the pharmacists are chatty-friendly, they just get things done in an extremely efficient way.  One short call or vmail to order 6 meds and then give them a two days to refill expired prescriptions with my doctor and to a day to get whatever meds that they might be short of from a supply warehouse.

I would love to go every 90 days, but my WC insurance only pays for 30 days at a time. Still the system works very well for me.  I have been getting meds at the same Rite-Aid for eleven years.  Thank you Rite-Aid people for your awesome consumer friendly customer service.

I am prone to bladder and skin infections (cellulitus).  I take a generic sulfa drug antibiotic called Bactrim to keep the cellulitis in check.  The infection starts in my toes and works its way up my leg.  The symptoms are hot red skin, fever/chills and phantom pain spasms. 

When I first got cellulitis and did not know what it was, my fear of an unknown health problem freaked-me out with a good sized sense of fear and abandonment.  The first three times I got cellulitis, I checked into the ER and was put on inpatient IV anti-biotics for a 2+ days.

Taking the Bactrim every day counts down on the cellulitis frequency to slow flare-ups every year or two.  My experience with cellulitis has lead to a much lower fear level. 

This evening I was feeling phantom pain and light fever/chills.  I took one fair stronger penicillin-type anti-biotic called Cipro and went to bed.  A couple hours sleep, more fever/chills and now I feel better.  Not okay, but a tolerable level of discomfort.  I will finish this post, take another Cipro and go back to bed.

That is incredibly more preferable that going to the ER and staying in the hospital for 3 days. 

Since I am not bleeding to death or likely to die in the next few minutes, I am about the last person treated in the ER—which means I have to wait for hours while is considerably discomfort.  I understand the triage theory and would want to be treated ASAP if I was bleeding out in the ER, but it still sucks to have to wait for help.

Coumadin is a anti-coagulant that I take to prevent more blood clots in the future.  I have had a blood clot in my left thigh for almost 30 years.  Aspirin is also a moderate anti-coagulant.  Thus, I can't take aspirin for minor pain.   If things get really painful, I could take a narcotic pain reliever such as Vicodin.  That knocks the pain down considerably.   There is comfort in knowing that I could treat the pain if it gets worse.  I did not take Vicodin tonight.

I wrote more, but MS Word crashed and lost a couple of paragraphs.  Thank god I only lost a couple of paragraphs.  I love modern technology!

PS: At 11 PM on the 26th, I am almost back to feeling normal.  I was a little fried from the ride.
PPS:  I know I am building a more resistant bug with my antibiotic (ab) use.  It works for me now.

Modern medications

 

I take 6 prescription medications for a total of 11 pills every day. My workmen's compensation insurance pays 100% of the cost of medication. I phone in a refill and pick it up the next day with a signature at my local Rite-Aid.

Rite-Aid actually has fantastic customer service for a medical products vendor. It is not that the pharmacists are chatty-friendly, they just get things done in an extremely efficient way. One short call or vmail to order 6 meds and then give them a two days to refill expired prescriptions with my doctor and to a day to get whatever meds that they might be short of from a supply warehouse.

I would love to go every 90 days, but my WC insurance only pays for 30 days at a time. Still the system works very well for me. I have been getting meds at the same Rite-Aid for eleven years. Thank you Rite-Aid people for your awesome consumer friendly customer service.

I am prone to bladder and skin infections (cellulitus). I take a generic sulfa drug antibiotic called Bactrim to keep the cellulitis in check. The infection starts in my toes and works its way up my leg. The symptoms are hot red skin, fever/chills and phantom pain spasms.

When I first got cellulitis and did not know what it was. My fear of an unknown health problem freaked-me out with a good sized sense of fear and abandonment. The first three times I got cellulitis, I checked into the ER and was put on inpatient IV anti-biotics for a 2+ days.

Taking the Bactrim every day counts down on the cellulitis frequency to slow flare-ups every year or two. My experience with cellulitis has lead to a much lower fear level.

This evening I was feeling phantom pain and light fever/chills. I took one fair stronger penicillin-type anti-biotic called Cipro and went to bed. A couple hours sleep, more fever/chills and now I feel better. Not okay, but a tolerable level of discomfort. I will finish this post, take another Cipro and go back to bed.

That is incredibly more preferable that going to the ER and staying in the hospital for 3 days.

Since I am not bleeding to death or likely to die in the next few minutes, I am about the last person treated in the ER—which means I have to wait for hours while is considerably discomfort. I understand the triage theory and would want to be treated ASAP if I was bleeding out in the ER, but it still sucks to have to wait for help.

Coumadin is a anti-coagulant that I take to prevent more blood clots in the future. I have had a blood clots in my left thigh for almost 30 years. Aspirin is also a moderate anti-coagulant. Thus, I can't take aspirin for minor pain. If things get really painful, I could take a narcotic pain reliever such as Vicodin. That knocks the pain down considerably. There is comfort in knowing that I could treat the pain if it gets worse. I did not take Vicodin tonight.

If it was not for modern medicine and medications, I would have died decades ago. YAY modern medication.

The UW Medical Center was the #2 rated spinal cord injury (SCI) rehab facility in the US. I am grateful that it is only a 20 minute drive away with good parking in my secret spot. One way I show my gratitude is by participating in SCI research projects. My gratitude study is a secondary effect of one of the research projects I participated in. Giving back has worked well for me in the quality of my medical care.

 

 

 

My cats

 

I had a good day on Monday. Gave Gigi a ride to the airport, pizza for lunch with Dan, nice meeting with my sponsor, a meeting at a treatment center and a pleasant phone conversation with Tracy.

Gigi's birthday is at the end of January and mine is on March 5th. We have taken to celebrating our birthdays with each for weeks and months at a time. I got off the first round today with the ride to the airport and by giving her a book on Great Places to Kiss in the Puget Sound area. That works really well teaching me how to have several good days instead of getting hung up on having a 'perfect' day.

When I was having a 'perfect' time, I would get hung up on future tripping in wanting the moment to last forever instead of simply enjoying the moment. That would immediately block a given moment from being really good since I was no longer in the moment. I have made tremendous progress with that and am grateful to have Gigi for a really good friend in my life.

While trying to decide what to write about for this post, I looked around my living room. My cats came up as a worthy subject of gratitude. I have two cats named Jenny and (June) Bug. We have been together for almost 5 years. They are both short-haired spayed females. They are friendly loving cats that will come out and say 'hi' when I have guests over—as opposed to hiding in the bedroom. It makes me look like I am a really good pet owner to have friendly cats that are not scaredy cats afraid of people. The reality is they are cats, I really had little to do with their somewhat outgoing cat personalities. I got lucky in my pet picks when I got them.

Jenny is a bit of a talker. Bug is not a talker, but has a motor when it comes to purring. Bug will ride in my lap when I am rolling around my apartment in my wheelchair. Both of them are low maintenance kitties that have that cat way of being in the same room as me while acting as if they were completely unaware of my presence.

I love my cats and am grateful that they are so friendly, well-behaved and healthy.

 

 

Grateful for a homegroup…

After several days of spending time home alone, I made it to a meeting today.  My 'home group' meets on Sunday nights at a local church.  We have a nice room with plenty of parking, nice bathrooms and a good size kitchen area in a great location in downtown Bellevue.

I am grateful for meetings in general and for my home group in particular.  It is a one hour meeting focused on studying the 12 steps in order 1-12, 1-12 and so on.  I have been going there for 6 years and so have been through the steps with the group 25 times.   While I like arcane topics as much as the next ADD philosopher, it is very good to remind myself what the program is about and how it works.  We recently started studying a tradition one night each month.

Things I like about the others in my home group is how we do a good job of keeping our sharing short so that usually everybody can share, that out of the 15+ regular attendees a dozen of us have been going to that meeting for 5-8 years.   That has the effect of making it 'our' meeting.  We don't talk about it much, but it is an extremely service oriented meeting well represented at the District level and with lots of interaction between members on other days.  The ladies have a veritable hiking club.  The guys have a high level of cross-pollinated sponsorship.  The average length of recovery is well into double-digits.

I get a sense of safety, security and love when I am at that meeting.  I know I won't have to listen to someone blather on about their drunkalog due to how focused we are on our singleness of purpose.  We are there to work a program of recovery to the best of our ability.  I love the simplicity of that concept.  Left to my own best thinking, it would be more complex and completely unworkable.  It is good to have people much smarter than me teach me by example how to simplify  and live life like Thoreau.

Car Problems

My car has an electrical for the past month or two where the battery goes dead if I don't drive it every day.  I put in new battery.  That might have helped a bit, but the problem continued for another couple of weeks.  Lately, I was driving my car every day or two and was not having the dead battery problem.  This week I went three days without driving my car and the battery was dead when I went to start it today.   That sucked.

I am grateful for Ali's Auto Repair shop in Bellevue.  They have worked on my car since they opened the shop 4-5 years ago.  Ali's does good work at an honest price without trying to upsell me on unneeded repairs.  Weird electrical problems can be tough to diagnose exactly what the source of the problem is.

I am grateful that I do not have a nasty daily commute, that I do know where I will take it to get worked on and that I have the money to pay for the repairs when needed.  It was not always this way in my life.

Serenity

I have a new roommate. She is gone more than she is here. I saw her one afternoon in the last 12 days. I like the peace, tranquility and solitude of living alone. Social interactions get a lot more complicated when other people are in the room! ;)
 
I am grateful that I can afford to live alone in a nice 2 bedroom apartment in a good part of town. The location works really well for me. Almost everything I need is within a ten minute drive. When I want to go to the big city, most of Seattle is within a twenty minute drive. 

I ordered 3 more books on gratitude. One book is the most expensive not-textbook (for class) that I have ever purchased in my life. The Psychology of Gratitude was published in 2007. The new price on Amazon is $44.33, the used price is $43.98. Apparently those that bought the book really like it and don't resell it. 

I look forward to getting more gratitude. It has been a huge blessing in my life.

China's President Hu comes to DC

President Hu Jintao and President Obama at the White House 

I am grateful that we have more pragmatic and social political leaders that are willing to discuss issues in person rather than conduct a war of words from a distance. Talking is much cheaper than fighting over issues.
Since this is a blog about gratitude, I will not review a bunch of whining senators that want China to do 'fix' its monetary policy while they continue to run the US further into trillions of dollars of debt.

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."
Buddha

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.
Chinese proverb

Act with kindness, but do not expect gratitude.
Confucius

Five things constitute perfect virtue: gravity, magnanimity, earnestness, sincerity and kindness.
Confucius

Saying Grace

"You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink." — G. K. Chesterton

   I started writing this early in the AM with the GKC quote. Now it is late in the evening and I did not get any further. I want to post something to be 'complete' with my journaling for the day. Fortunately for me, there is not a minimum size constraint for my gratitude blog.
   Actually, my preference is to write posts that are a few hundred words long for two reasons. One reason is to keep the posts readable and the other reason is so that I keep the journaling/blogging down to a pleasant manageable task that can be done in a timely fashion.
   Today I had lunch with Mark. We had a pleasant conversation and I gave him a ride back to his office. He is going to write a gratitude list. He carries a gratitude list in his pocket. That is a bit like me carrying a picture of me at the gym in my pocket. It is not nearly the same as working out, but it is better than nothing.
   I missed a couple of days of working out and have been back at it for the last two days. I am grateful for that. My workouts are 10-minutes on a hand-cycle. Naturally I would like them to be more robust, but that is infinitely better than doing nothing. Progress, not perfection.

Friends

 

One of the best blessings of my recovery is the quality and quantity of good friends that I have now. They are the best friend relationships that I have ever had in my life—by far and away. I do best with a routine. Lately my routine has been a walk and a meeting with Leslee on Sundays, afternoons with Charlie on Mondays and Fridays have dinner and a meeting with Sandy.

Thanks to the progress I have made with my abandonment issues, when one of them is busy with other activities, I can easily find an alternative if I am willing to pick up the phone. For example, Sandy went away for a 4-day weekend to see family on Friday. Carol was more than willing to serve as a stand-in for dinner and a movie when I called her.

Carol and I had a great time on Friday night. Dinner was at the Café Firenze with delicious Italian food. The movie was so-so. It was the Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader in 3D. I think it was based on a ginned-up story for the movie instead of being based on a book by CS Lewis like The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. After the movie, we went to Barnes & Noble for a little book browsing.

There might have been a book on gratitude at B&N, but I did not see find it. I did find a nice leather-bound sheaf of lined paper about 8x10 inches that would be ideal for journaling. Carol found another journaling book that had 6 prompts for topics for each day. It (apparently) was supposed to be a two-year journal when the first year was written on the outside column and the second year was written on the inside column of each page. I got it for Carol as a belated Xmas gift. She committed to sending me an email after she journaled. So far, so good. It has been two three days and she has sent me two three emails (I just checked my email to find she had emailed me 5 minutes ago that she had journaled).

Carol and I became friends years ago doing volunteer work together at Echo Glen. EG is essentially a prison for wayward minors. We stopped going out there after a year or so due to scheduling confusion on their part.

In the last five months, I have gone to EG three times for 12-step meetings with the kids in a 'recovery lodge'. I even applied to get clearance to become a regular volunteer again at EG when I went there for the third time on Saturday. It is an experience unlike any other working with the kids at EG.

As much as anything, it seems the most common offense committed by the delinquents at EG was to have been born into families that were not able to provide responsible adult supervision for their children. That lack of supervision manifests itself in a variety of crimes from drug use to car theft to assault and so on. Often the counselors and volunteers at EG are the first responsible adults the kids have met in their life.

It was a good weekend for relationships. For that, I am grateful.