Helping Others

“Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.  Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 20.

Self-centeredness was my problem. All my life people had been doing things for me and I not only expected it, but I was ungrateful and resentful they didn't do more. Why should I help others, when they were supposed to help me? If others had troubles, didn't they deserve them? I was filled with self-pity, anger and resentment. Then I learned that by helping others, with no thought of return, I could overcome this obsession with selfishness, and if I understood humility, I would know peace and serenity. No longer do I need to drink.”

All my life, I wanted to be a nice person that was kind and helpful to others.  I never knew how to do that until being shown how to be authentic by others in recovery.  I hid my innermost self behind a wall of sarcasm having been too tortured and terrified by my family of origin to even feel my feelings—much less share them with another person.

I was filled with self-pity and terminal uniqueness filled with the false belief that my problems were worse than anybody else’s and that you could not possibly understand.  Now I know that it was I that did not understand.  I have compassion and empathy for myself and others facing their own demons.

Today I get out of myself (my own mind?) by being of service to others.  I volunteered at a local prison for the last 12 years.   This morning I was talking with a guy who was in that prison five years ago.  I did not remember him.  He remembered me.  We talked about recovery.  It is difficult for a homeless ex-con to pull it together.  He has 3 days.  Hopefully he will be at the meeting again tomorrow morning.   I know I will be going to a meeting tomorrow.  I am giving a friend a ride to a psychologist so it might not be the usual morning meeting.

I did skip swimming today after making it ten days in a row.  I will be back tomorrow.

While waiting in the Olive Garden parking lot to meet Sandy yesterday, I realized I want to, in that willing to do what it takes sort of way, to lose 50 pounds in the next year.  It was a pleasant epiphany.  I had salad and chicken linguini carbonara.  Not a great start, but I did only eat half the linguini yesterday and had the rest for lunch today.  That is progress.

I am grateful to be able to be of service to others today, for not having to hide behind my sarcasm, for having swum 10 days in a row, and for adding my new habit of losing one pound per week.  I am also extremely grateful for how my Gratitude blog writing is changing my mind and my brain to be a much more pleasant and positive place to live.