It Could Have Been Much Worse

While transferring from my car to my wheelchair today, I slipped and fell to the ground twice today.  Both times I was able to get back in my car and then back in my chair with the help of someone helping my chair while I used it to left myself up.

One of my fears is falling and not being able to get up.  My planned solution was to call the fire department for help.  Fortunately I was able to get up with a little help from one other person and most importantly did not tear up my shoulders.

I am grateful that a small problem did not turn into a large disaster.   This was definitely strong motivation for more diet and exercise discipline starting real soon—like RIGHT NOW!

An Early Thanksgiving Dinner

Made a rib roast and (packaged) scalloped potatoes for an early thanksgiving dinner for me and Lea tonight.  It was good and a nice way to get started on the long holiday weekend with a quiet dinner between football games, reading, TV shows and homework for Lea.

We will do meals with others on Thanksgiving and a big gratitude potluck dinner on Saturday night.  I like to think of those as being like an extended family get-together.   I got 15 pounds of black forest ham to take to the dinner on Saturday night funded by our morning meeting.

I have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season and am grateful to get to be able to share it with other friend and fellow travelers on the road to happy destinies.

A Better Peace With Myself

Yesterday was a good day.  Today was not so good.  That is okay.

As I get older and have more recovery, therapy and maturity, my negative thinking and resultant anxieties don’t bother me nearly as much as how it used to be.  Issues de jour are not life sentences, it is just a undesirable event during an okay life.

I am grateful to live life on a much more positive even keel than how it used to be.

A Better Day

It has been a mildly tough week after a rough year for health care issues.   The health care issues are hopefully mostly resolved.  Today was a pretty good day.  Went to a meeting, ran some errands including picking up new glasses, met with Bill to discuss my work in the NA step study guides and hung out at the mall for a couple hours.   Came home, had a nice salad for dinner, ate some delicious banana nut bread and started a good book that I have read before.

That is good enough for today.

I am grateful for better health and better days.

Reading

I love to read.  I have spent more of my waking time reading than any other activity.  I used to read mostly books and a few magazines.  Now I only read magazines while waiting at the doctor’s office—if then.  I spend more time surfing the web than reading books, but it is reasonably close.   If I have a book that I like, book reading time goes way up.

A friend shared a recent article about how most Americans don’t read books after high school or college.   I found that surprising.  Most of my friends are readers.   How can you not read?

I am grateful to be a reader and have good reading skills.

Living On A Hill

A series of strong fall rain & windstorms are blowing through the area like they do every year in late autumn.  A friend talked about flooding issues with me tonight.   Her house is on a hill, but she is having problems with flooding in the crawl space.  The Stillaguamish river runs through her lower pasture during high flood stages but is not a problem beyond maybe having to fix an electric fence in the spring when the flooding is gone.

I have never lived in a place that got flooded.  To my way of thinking, it’s crazy, stressful and way too much work to live in a place prone to flooding given other options.

I am grateful to live in a place that will never flood in my lifetime.   Getting up the last bit of hill in the snow is too risky to try in my rear-wheel drive car.   If I wait a day or two, that problem goes away.

Overcoming Loneliness

Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.    As Bill Sees It, p. 90

The agonies and the void that I often felt inside occur less and less frequently in my life today. I have learned to cope with solitude. It is only when I am alone and calm that I am able to communicate with God, for He cannot reach me when I am in turmoil. It is good to maintain contact with God at all times, but it is absolutely essential that, when everything seems to go wrong, I maintain that con-tact through prayer and meditation.

From AA’s Daily Reflections for  11/17

I have been lonely all of my life.   The loneliest place in the world for me is in a large crowded noisy room.  I can’t get around and I can’t hear comprehend others due problems with tinnitus making it impossible for me to understand what they are saying.

Reasonable accommodations are for me to meet with people one-on-one in quieter places.   That means that I don’t hang out with a gang of friends.   Meeting with five others at Crossroads Mall on Wednesdays is invaluable in helping me learn how to socialize with others in a group.

Thanks to years of Alanon, my broken (relationship/friend) picker is not such a factor in my life these days.  However, it is definitely another case of progress not perfection.

I am grateful for the good friends that are in my life. 

Writing More Frequently

I am working on getting back to writing in this blog more often than not.  Don’t have much of a topic for today, but I am sure that even a short post is better than doing nothing.

I am grateful to be learning how to do large projects in bits and pieces instead of my old beliefs of having to have a magnum opus or nothing.

Happy Birthday to my sister!

Being a Better Friend

My roommate acted out in an ill-advised inappropriate way in a store today.   My perception was that it was using behaviors coming out sideways due to not working the steps and getting a fuller measure of relief from 12-step recovery.  She was || that close to going to jail and creating major hassles in her life.

Instead of a litany of critical comments for being stupid, I got to see her pain as manifested by acting out in old behaviors and  then provide loving support for her while not condoning her actions.   It went as well as could have been hoped for in that situation.   As addicts, our perception would be that she did something dumber than using crack or heroin.   In reality, she pretty much just planted a big red flag identifying a problem that she needs to work on and did not cause any further damage—much less the kind of irreparable havoc that using would have created.

I am grateful to be a much better friend today than how I used to be.

A Shut-In Day

Was going to meet with Bill and then go to prison tonight among other activities planned for today.   Instead I stayed home, reading, watching TV shows, napping and playing Freecell.   I was concerned about coming down with whatever bug my roommate Lea had for the last couple of days.   I will get a flu shot tomorrow.

One day does not make a week, a month or a lifetime.  Staying in while potentially sick on a cold windy rainy day is not that bad an idea given the crappy health I have had so far this year.

I am grateful that tomorrow will be a more active day and that I don’t have to live like the movie Groundhog Day doing the same thing over and over.

Self-Acceptance

We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter. 12x12, p. 105

I pray for the willingness to remember that I am a child of God, a divine soul in human form, and that my most basic and urgent life-task is to accept, know, love and nurture myself. As I accept myself, I am accepting God's will. As I know and love myself, I am knowing and loving God. As I nurture myself I am acting on God's guidance.

I pray for the willingness to let go of my arrogant self-criticism, and to praise God by humbly accepting and caring for myself.

From AA’s Daily Reflections for November 11^th

All too often, I berate myself for real or imagined mistakes.   This is definitely a family of origin issue, no matter what I did, it was never good enough.  My parents are long gone from my life and yet I continue with negative self-talk.   Any kind of logic or therapy or recovery tells me that it is incredibly self-destructive and not helpful to living a better life.

Working on fears in my 4^th step, it is ever more clear that I have many great fears about success.  Much of that is from a fear of the pain of loss.  If I don’t have anything, I can’t lose anything.   That is insanely bad logic since I will lose all possibility of a life that is happy joyous and free.

I am grateful for the progress I am making on reducing negative self-talk and being a better friend to myself.

A Bit of Exercise

I get great medical care through the University of Washington Medical Center (hospital) and its peripheral system such as the UW Physicians medical clinics and Harborview.  One way for me to reciprocate in the benefits of a teaching hospital is to participate in medical research studies.  I have been in about 8 studies in the last 15 years.   Some of the studies have turned into longitudinal studies over time.   The ones I have done dealt with spinal cord injury issues and pain or physical fitness.  I definitely got more than money out of the studies with enhanced knowledge of pain management or being more motivated to exercise.

I recently started a “clinical trial” (a more advanced version of the usual study).   Today I did an exercise stress test with a VO₂ breathing mask and a lot of electrodes while using a hand crank ergometer (stationary hand bike).  It felt good to get some more vigorous exercise.  I have an older noisier verson of the ergometer.  Swimming is not working out for me this year.   I will set up my hand bike and use it…sometime soon!

I am grateful for some exercise and for great medical care that I get through UW medical system.

Celebrating Birthdays

My sister and three of my friends had birthdays this month. 

My sister is on the far side of the world, so we won’t be getting together.   I stepped up to help her with some paperwork this year that cost a few bucks to do and took some effort.  I told her that was an early birthday present.   It was the nicest thing I have ever done for her besides my getting sober.

Nine of us got together for dinner tonight at the Nordstrom Café.   We had a nice quiet meal and sang happy birthday to four people all rolled into one long name.   It was fun.

These people have all made a huge impact in my life.   It was nice to be able to organize an event for them.

I am grateful for the wonderful supportive people in my life that share their successes and milestones with me and allow me to share mine with them.

Letting Go of Guilt and Shame

I frequently get struck by feelings of guilt and shame from events that occurred long ago going back to early childhood.  There is no rational reason to have these negative feelings.   They do not make my life better in any way, shape or form.  Undoubtedly a lot of this baggage has to do with family of origin issues.  While never starved for food, there was definitely some serious emotional neglect by my parents (who presumably did the best they could with what they had).

I was overly optimistic that working on my 4^th step would be pretty easy and not too emotionally loaded.  Usually I do 3 questions per writing session.  The first question tonight was on issues of guilt and shame.  I acknowledged having major issues with this, gave and example and stopped writing.   I left room to add more examples as they occur to me.  My brain went into shutdown/balk mode and was not going to process the usual suspects on demand.  I have no doubt they will come to me.  Best case would be if they never haunted me again.

I am grateful for the progress I have made and will make on letting go the feelings of guilt and shame that haunt me from minor faux pas and larger mistakes from my past.

Values

Working on a 4^th step via the NA Step Study Guides.  The question was posed as to what are my values.  What I came up with was as much a list of list of behaviors as anything else.  I like people that are kind, smart and helpful.  Don’t like greedy violent warmongers.

I am grateful for all the kind loving supportive people in my life.  It has taken me a long time to learn how important relationships are in my life.   Better late than never.

Auto Upgrades

Bought new tires at Costco last week.   They will be installed on Thursday.   Got a new car stereo today with HD radio and BlueTooth.  Stereo is ridiculously complicated and will take some getting used to.   I could not even figure out the power button without having to look at the manual.

The tires were a safety must-have.   My car is rear-wheel drive and tends to spin out on slippery wet pavement.  I have no intention of driving it in the snow—especially since my apartment driveway would be the worst piece of road around when it came to driving uphill around two sharp shaded corners.   That is okay.   It does not snow here that much and I don’t have to be somewhere else everyday.

This was the first time I bought a car stereo in 34 years.  Mostly I just want to listen to the radio and I was having some static/distortion problems with my factory setup.   Much like many other digital devices, the in-dash radio units (“heads”) are incredibly inexpensive.   Speakers and labor was 80% of the cost.  As soon as I figure out how to use the stereo and get it setup in a way that works for me, I am sure I will like it a lot.  It will be more radio and also USB drives loaded with music.   I will surely listen to many more 12-step speakers while driving around via my smart phone storage or an mp3 player.

I am grateful to able to maintain my car in good running order and for modern audio devices with digital smarts.

Not As Childish

The AA 12x12 references a group of doctors trying to determine what alcoholics all had in common.  Their conclusion was that most alcoholics were still childish, emotionally sensitive and grandiose.  Whenever I here the childish part, I immediately want to put my hands on my hips and say “AM NOT!”  Yeah, I still got it…in spades.

The good news is that I am a lot less childish, immature and grandiose than how I used to.   There is a young man at a meeting that is essentially trying to bully me in weird little ways at every meeting.  After months weirdness I will finally have to respond, not because it is bothering me, but because it is toxic to recovery at the meeting.  I will show him love and kindness as a I explain his behavior to him and how trusted servants are supposed to do this role per the literature.  Ideally it will help him be a better person.  At the very least, we can hope for less toxic behavior.

I am grateful to be less childish, overly sensitive and grandiose than how I used to be.  Plenty of room for more progress since I am a far cry from perfect.

My Second Root Canal

Had a mildly sore tooth for the last month.  Lacking dental insurance, I now get my dental care at the UW School of Dentistry.  The price is right although scheduling is weeks slower.  That makes a strong argument for being proactive in my dental care.

Students are definitely slower than practicing professionals.   Spent 3.5 hours in the dental chair this afternoon while an endontist-to-be did a root canal.  Was going to be a 3-session experience, but due to the long time today, I will only have one more visit in early December.

I have a lot of skill and experience in advocating for my health care.   It is nearly impossible to make well informed choices about dental care.  My previous private practice dentist did a great job on the dental care.   I am also sure he was gouging me for replacing fillings that did not need to be replaced.   Whenever the dental students see the gold work on my teeth, they all say with a sense of reverence and awe “ooowww, that’s nice gold work”.

I had my wisdom teeth pulled 15 years ago.  I have all the rest of my teeth and want to keep them.  They work great for me.

I got my first root canal 7 years ago.   It cost me $1200.  The second root canal will take a few more trips to the dental school and cost me $150.  I might buy a new laptop and car stereo with the savings.   I already paid for new tires on Tuesday [they will be installed next week].

I am grateful for great cheap dental care and for having all my teeth.

A Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory

Working the 12-steps via the Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guides.  Despite the plural name, it is a letter-size soft cover book of 124 pages with 400+questions on the steps.  I am writing my responses in cursive in a 3-ring notebook.  Tonight I finished the last question of the 3^rd step and so am now on the 4^th step.

Last year Lea and I started a simplified recovery bible-based workbook with short fill-in-the-blank answers.  That was not a searching inventory by any stretch of the imagination.

I read the 4^th step from the the NA 12x12 today and a couple pages from the study guide tonight.   It has been almost 10 years since my last 4^th step. 

An online definition of moral is: “Moral comes from the Latin word mores, for habits. The moral of a story is supposed to teach you how to be a better person. If moral is used as an adjective, it means good, or ethical. If you have a strong moral character, you are a good member of society. If someone is a cheat and a liar, you might say, "She is not a moral person.”

I am grateful to be sober and working on being a better person.   After a rough year with health care issues, I am optimistic for happier times.

I Just Voted

King County—in the Seattle metro area—strongly encourages voting by mail aka “absentee ballot”.  I have been to a voting both a couple times in my life in college when there was a booth at the apartment complex where I lived in Santa Barbara.  Other than that, it has been all vote-by-mail.   VBM is a fantastic way to vote by leaving a paper trail that can be audited and recounted along with no lines and open 24/7 for weeks in advance.

This year there were a couple of measures asking how voters felt for already implemented taxes such as a tax on oil trains amounting to $17M.  The choices were to keep or repeal said taxes.  I wanted a 3^rd choice to increase taxes.  Not an option.

In light of the voter suppression going on elsewhere in the country, King County is a bastion of voting opportunity in many ways.

I am grateful for the opportunity to vote in a easy user friendly manor that does not require me to get special ID or have to wait in line for hours at a distant hard-to-get-to location.

Discipline vs Motivation

I get several self-improvement emails every day.  Some are spiritual or 12-step recovery based and others are of the positive psychology ilk.   Not a lot of new material, mostly they just serve to remind me and reinforce the obvious. 

One email that continues to provide food for thought weeks later is was to go with discipline for doing the next indicated thing such as exercise or other healthy behavior instead of waiting for the motivation to feel like getting exercise or whatever other tasks I am procrastinating on.

This year I have had a rough go on doing the next indicated thing for a variety of reasons including health care problems.  This week, I am going to use discipline to get back to a healthier routine of more meetings and swimming.  I will go to at least 7 meetings and swim at least 2 times this week.

I am grateful for the self-care skills I have learned to help me live a better life today.

Back to School

My roommate Lea has gone back to college to do a vocational stint to become a phlebotomist.  Her first class is on Tuesday.  That is a huge amount of progress from three years ago having the worst case of incomprehensible demoralization I have ever seen on January 1^st 2013.  She has had to overcome more than most due to physical and mental health issues.

I am proud of the progress Lea has made.  Helping her get a life that works is the nicest thing I have ever done for another human being.  Knowing her has made me a better person.

I am grateful to be able to be of service to others today and for getting to share their success with them.   We will do something to celebrate her progress on Monday.  That is new behavior for us.

Modern Logistics

I do a fair amount of shopping on Amazon and have the $100/year Prime membership.  It is cost effective to shop on Amazon compared with driving around checking prices in real life and vastly more secure than giving my credit card to unknown merchants all over the web.

Today I bought some cat medicine.  While writing this Gratitude blog post, I checked prices.  It is the same price on Amazon as at the local Petco store (according the Petco’s 50% ad on the web…cough…cough…BS).  Before deciding on which medication to get, I consulted some cat health sites and read reviews.  The choice of medication was obvious.  It will be here Tuesday.

Amazon Prime purchases used to arrive in 2 days.  In the last month, some Prime purchases have been scheduled for 3ish weeks away.  My guess is they are shipping from China.  It feels like bait and switch scummy that these items are presented as “Prime” and yet shipped via slow boat.  Definitely diluting the Prime brand with small print about arriving in 3 weeks.

/rant off

My thought in writing is how fast products and services are delivered at low cost in my life.  My sister sent a printed document from Australia that got here in less than a week.   Amazon has a same-day delivery service for a large selection of goods for customers living in selected places including the Seattle metro area.

Email blows snail mail out of the water.  Digital downloads shrank Blockbuster movie rentals from custom built stores to Redbox vending machines in a few short years.

My dad was a pilot and got to fly around the world for work in trips lasting up to two weeks.  Now the world comes to me faster than he could make it to Hawaii and back.

I am grateful for modern logistics including Amazon, UPS, FedEx, the USPS, and the web.  They make informed shopping a lot easier for me.

Changing Seasons

It will be Autumn in four days on the 23^rd at 1:21 AM PDT.  I miss the long hours of daylight. 

This year I am going to get a plant light that I will also use to help mitigate Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and to keep my plants green, lush and thriving through the winter.   I use the front window as a backdrop for my office/computer desk.   The plants are relegated to a dark corner where they do not thrive.  My plant-killing cats don’t help.  A grow light will make for brighter days for all.

I am grateful for the 23° precession of the earth around the sun.  That gives us a reasonable change of seasons which is vital for life as we know it.

Swimming Again

Went swimming tonight for the first time in 8 months and 2 days.  It felt great to be back in the water.  I was in the pool for 25 minutes.   That was a good start on exercise and a bit of an investigation into how well the skin on my burn and legs would handle the 91° water.  It went well. 

Hopefully I will soon be swimming every day.  That was the plan when I got a 90-day unlimited pass the day before I burned my ankle.  Fortunately, the pool was nice enough to put the plan on hold until I commit to restarting the clock on the unlimited plan.  Tonight I paid the single use fee of $5.

I am grateful for getting to go swimming again.  It took a lot of resources to make that happen including help from Lea and a great place to swim.