2013 District 34 Gratitude Dinner

For the 12^th year in a row, I went to the District 34 Gratitude Dinner at the North Bellevue Community Center.  For me, it my version of a large family holiday dinner.  It is a happy time with lots of food, joy and love.

There were 10 of us from my Sunday night Steppin Up home group meeting.  The group had signed up to wash serving dishes after dinner during the Alanon and AA speakers.  They were done by the time the Alanon speaker finished.  The AA speaker, Elton, had literally died from alcoholism and was brought back to life by EMTs with heart paddles.  He was definitely a real alcoholic.  He will have 6 years sobriety in December. 

I am grateful for the AA program of recovery and the fellowship of fellow trudgers in recovery on the road of happy destinies.

Love

I am grateful for the love I have learned how to give and get with others in my life.

A Wonderful Thanksgiving

FYI, I write this Gratitude blog for two reasons.  One is to write every day about things I am grateful for.  The second is to let my sister Karen know what I am doing.  The very act of writing is a accurate indicator that I am sober.

Lea, Michelle and I celebrated a nice pleasant Thanksgiving today. 

We went to our usual 9:30 AM meeting.  It was the usual size with a different crowd including visitors from New Zealand and San Francisco.  The topic was the 11^th tradition discussion a program of attraction and not promotion.  It was a great meeting. 

Lea got her new dentures to fit better yesterday.  Some denture adhesive later, they were finally working for her.  She is very pretty with her dentures in.  It changes the shape of her face and especially her lips.

We came home, put a 7 pound boneless rib roast in the oven and went to a see a movie at Lincoln Square.  The movie times had changed from what I looked up last night and so the movie we planned on seeing, Gravity, was not for another hour.  We watched Philomena.  It is true story of Irish convent selling children of unwed Catholic mothers to Americans in the 1950s.  Michelle and Lea are estranged from their children due to their addiction.  Understandably, the movie was a serious tearjerker for them.

After the movie, the roast was done a bit sooner than planned.  The girls made stuffing, béarnaise sauce, Brussels sprouts with garlic, baked sweet potatoes, bean casserole, dinner rolls, and fruit salad.  It was delicious.   Before eating, we all said a few things we were grateful for.  We were all grateful to be sober.   After dinner and dishes, we watched TV for an hour and then had cherry pie and vanilla ice cream.  It was nap time for me.  They watched Lethal Weapon 1.

We went to the alcathon at the Alano club.  The topic was acceptance.   It seemed like 10 people in a row shared about being in their first week of sobriety and gave their drunkalog about how bad it was.  Normally, I greatly dislike listening drunkalogs rehashing their using and prefer to be in the solution.  Tonight was a profoundly different experience,  It was like they were doing their first step story about being powerless over alcohol (and drugs) and how unmanageable their lives were.  Today they had hope that there was a solution in AA and that their lives would get better by working AA’s 12 steps.

Nancy and Michelle P came to the alcathon while Lea was outside having a cigarette.  They had both been her sponsor for a couple months earlier this year and quit after she kept relapsing.  After the meeting, Lea went over, gave them both a hug, showed them her new teeth and presumably reported on having a new sponsor and 7 weeks of sobriety.  I am sure they were both very happy for her.

It is Michelle’s 46^th birthday in two weeks.  For the last 9 years, she has been locked up on her birthday.  As a way of spreading out the birthday celebration, I offered to take them on a mini Black Friday shopping trip at Target.  Kelly and Sarah reported full parking lots at Target in Redmond and craziness at Bell Square with a line of people waiting to get into Macy’s.  We bagged the shipping trip and came home.

I have a wonderful recovery family with Leslee, Toni, Charlie, Greg, Sandy and others.  Michelle and Lea are like the little sisters I never had.  It is an honor and a privilege to help and watch them get a life in recovery.  There was no acrimony today and we enjoyed the best Thanksgiving we have had in a long time.  I never felt an awkward silence once today.

This was the first Thanksgiving meal that I ever planned, purchased and hosted in my life.  Family holiday meals were all too often fraught with discord and dismay.  I am glad we made dinner today.

I am grateful for the acceptance, serenity and joy in my life today.  

Lucky To Be Grateful or Happy Thanksgiving!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  November is Gratitude Month in AA.  Today’s meeting topic was on gratitude.  In several important ways, this has been the best year of my life.  Studying gratitude meditation and positive psychology has changed my life for the vastly better than how it was.

I know now that I am lucky.  Lucky to be alive and sober.  Lucky to have the wonderful friends that are in my life.  Lucky to be able to afford to live in a nice apartment in Bellevue with two cats and provide a place to live for others that can’t afford a place of their own.  Lucky to have a warm accessible pool with a lift to swim in any day I want to go.

I am grateful for having a life that is much better than how it used to be.  Tomorrow will be the first time in my life that I cooked a Thanksgiving meal for at least three people.  That is but one example of the changes in my life.

BONUS:  I found a great review/recipe based on applied heat transfer and chemistry on how to cook a prime rib to perfection here.

A Dry November

November is the rainiest month of the year in Seattle.  Nearly every day is gray, wet and dreary.  This November has featured multiple dry sunny days in a row with frost (not ice) on my car windows in the morning.  We will get rain on the weekend and then more dry sunny days.  That is a vast improvement over the dreary gray Seattle mist.

There is a winter storm that will affect 200 million people in the US and 32 states over the week of Thanksgiving.  Fortunately that is happening in the Midwest and Eastern states.  It has already caused 14 deaths starting in California and heading east.  There will be blizzards near the Great Lakes and tornadoes in Florida.  Thank god I am not a part of that mess.

I am grateful for dry sunny days in November and for not being hammered by a deadly freezing storm and for not having to try to travel on during the busiest travel days of the year during a massive storm.  That will suck badly for those that do.  I wish them well.

Thanksgiving Monday

The last three weeks have gone really well for Lea, Michelle and I.  I was concerned about relapse due to be overwhelmed by positive events in their lives.  Good events going well is a huge trigger in early recovery creating major potential for immediate self-destruction.  We had our little dish conflict over the weekend and that seems to have been the worst of it.  Lea made it to a meeting this morning after a week of schedule conflicts, feeling sick and such.  It is like the baseball metaphor of sliding into home—SAFE!

I am grateful we did not self-destruct via relapse or other self-inflicted major chaos after the success of getting dentures, carpal tunnel surgery, getting registered for college and more.  It is major milestone to have six weeks of sobriety, achieve some successes and not self-destruct.  It is a foundation for believing in ourselves and letting go of the fear of the damage we do our lives and ourselves.

A Slightly Bad Day Got Better

Dave, the guy that worked on my car yesterday, came by the church while I was at a meeting and fixed the spark plug wires.  My car runs great now.  Read There is a Solution with Greg before the meeting.  Lea still lags on putting her dishes away with feeble excuses, but at least she did not go deep with faux self-righteous anger defending her lies this time.

I am grateful for not making a slightly bad day worse, for working on the things that I could make better by going to a meeting, reading with Greg and getting Dave to fix my plug wires.

Even A Bad Day is Still Pretty Good

Having problems with my car after a friend changed the spark plug wires and spark plugs, the girls have a thing about leaving dirty dishes on the counter or in the sink, the Xmas tree was moved so that when I closed the blinds last night I broke an ornament trying to get by, Lea leaves the car seat in a reclined position making it harder to put my wheelchair in the back seat.

When I explain that I am willing to help them with care-giving and not care-taking by doing things for the grils that they could do for themselves, today was a series of non-listening defensive bs that is annoying.  We have had nearly three good weeks in a row.  It is hard for addicts to deal with calm progress without self-destructive behavior.  We have done well so far.

Alice, a former home-group member, loved to use the phrase “a classier set of problems today”.  Indeed, our problems are a lot better than how they used to be.  Two dirty coffee cups on the counter is nothing compared to lying stealing addicts in active addiction.  Worst case (presumably) is my car will be fixed by my mechanic tomorrow.

I am grateful for a much classier set of problems today.  Today’s swim was a vigorous one with a majority of the distance spent doing a crawl stroke.  It has been sunny and dry for the last five days—excellent weather for November in Seattle.  Breakfast and worship (singing and music) at church went well.

A Good Education

Typing this post using a bluetooth keyboard on my bedroom PC.  It will be short.

Today I helped Michelle register for classes at Bellevue College.  She had worked on doing her online registration for several days and could not get it.  I was able to resolve two problems in less than 15 minutes.  She has an appointment with her adviser on Monday the 25th.

I am grateful for a solid education in computer technology and for wonderful PC input devices.

Another Full Day and I Am Tired

I am grateful for a full day of recovery and being of service to others.  It certainly gets me out of my apartment and my isolationism.  Life is good.  I love and am grateful my king size bed with lots of pillows.

Dentures and Lunch

Lea finally got her dentures today after having her teeth pulled in May.  They look good and are an awkward fit in her month of months of no teeth and years of bad teeth. The top set have a vacuum seal and the bottom set tend to float in her mouth.  They will take time to get used to. 

After getting Lea’s denture at the UW Dental School, we went to get Dan for lunch.  He was having a problem with his PC.  I resolved the problem by setting Internet Explorer his homepage to his CenturyLink email and we went to lunch at Ivar’s. 

All three of us had grilled salmon with hollandaise sauce, deep fried green beans and mashed potatoes.

I dropped Lea off at home and took my car to the shop since it was running rough and the check engine light came on.  I need new spark plug wires and plugs.  I ordered them today and will have them installed in a day or two.

After that, I went swimming, came home to a nice clean apartment the girls had cleaned, went to a 5:30 meeting about having something sweet to eat from Chapter 9 of the Living Sober book and then read The Doctor’s Opinion from the Big Book with Greg at the Alano Club.  Greg and I discussed some related AA trivia.  After that, I dropped him off at the transit center and came home.  It was a full day for me. 

Lea will have carpal tunnel surgery tomorrow.  I tried talking to her about there being too much of a good thing that will knock us off the sober center just as surely as bad things can do.  She denied that could be a problem.  When I started to write my Gratitude blog post, the last dealer she lived with called for her.  I let him know she was sleeping.  I don’t know if she called him first or not.  I do know from when I first tried to get sober 14 years ago that misery loves company.  Addicts in active addiction will try to get those of us trying to get sober to use again.

I am grateful to be sober, of service to others, have the PC savvy to be able to help Dan, know what the problem is with my car, a good swim, a meeting and to help my friend Greg stay sober one more day.

Living In The Moment aka Being Mindful

There have been many positive changes in my life this year.  Two roommates in early recovery and near daily swimming have made my life richer and better.  Roommates come and go.  I am not as diligent with daily swimming as I would like to be although my exercise regime is infinitely better than how it was until last May.  I do meditate every day, ideally every morning and it is my go to response when I am feeling good, bad or have a moment during the day.

Using meditation to be mindful has leads me to spend much less time ruminating about the past (depression) or worrying about the future (anxiety).  Invariably my present moments are pretty good.  I have a warm convenient place to live, plenty of food, reliable transportation, good friends, economic security and reasonably stable health.

I am grateful for my vastly improved mindfulness mindset with long moments of equanimity and shorter moments of negative rumination on perceived problems with past and future events.

Progress Over the Last 365 Days

One year ago tomorrow (2012 was a leap year), I met Sandy for dinner.   It was my first day day of recovery after an 8 month crack spree.   It was the most profound meal I ever had.  I realized during our discussion that relationships were the most important thing in my life.  Then and even now, it seems that I was a slow learner to figure out what a healthy child would hopefully now.  Nonetheless, better late than never.

This last year has been the best year for relationships in my life.  I made a few new close friends.  More nearly what happened is the ones I have are far closer than ever before in my life.  My relapse was caused in great part by lies of omission, i.e., not telling others what I was thinking or feeling.  While not perfect at sharing, I am fantastically better than how I used to be.

There was one more relapse in March.  I have 8 months of continuous sobriety today.  Yay me!

I am very grateful for better relationships and my 8 months of sobriety.  That is a lot of progress from how it used to be.

Overcoming Loneliness

“Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.  As Bill Sees It, p. 90

The agonies and the void that I often felt inside occur less and less frequently in my life today. I have learned to cope with solitude. It is only when I am alone and calm that I am able to communicate with God, for He cannot reach me when I am in turmoil. It is good to maintain contact with God at all times, but it is absolutely essential that, when everything seems to go wrong, I maintain that con-tact through prayer and meditation.”   From the book Daily Reflections

I lived by myself for most of my adult life.  Now I have two roommates and we do sober/recovery activities together every day of the week. It is a lot more social and less isolating than how it used to be.  Plus, my spiritual experiences resulted in my not feeling alone and isolated whether by myself or even lonelier in a crowd.

I am grateful for my fantastically enhanced relationships over the last year.  It was 52 weeks ago tomorrow on Monday, November 19^th that I realized while talking with Sandy that relationships are the most important thing in my life.  The last year has been the best year of relationships in my life. 

An Excellent Week

I am grateful for much serenity this week and fantastic successes and achievements by Lea and Michelle as they continue to make great progress in their recovery towards a life that works...well.

A Birthday Celebration…and More

Today was my sister Karen’s birthday.  I had flowers delivered via an Australia version of FTD Florists.  She is on the far side of the international date line and so in effect her birthday was yesterday. 

I celebrated Karen’s birthday with Lea and Michelle by having an early Thanksgiving dinner. We had succulent roast turkey, garlic mashed potatoes, broccoli, homemade gravy, potato salad and jellied cranberry sauce.  I made the turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy.  They all came out great.

For the last 6+ years, I have gone with Carol and a few of her friends to her church’s Thanksgiving meal.  Last year they ran low on food by the time we got there.  Michelle and I tried to buy a turkey the day after Thanksgiving at Safeway.  They did not have a turkey in the store.  This year we beat the rush by having a Thanksgiving meal two weeks in advance.

We have a lot to celebrate.  A year ago, I was still using.  Lea and Michelle were tearing it up.  Now I have almost 8 months, and they have 33 and 28 days respectively.  They both registered for college this week.  Lea is getting her new dentures next Wednesday.  I had promised to help her get dentures 15 months ago in August.  It feels great to make and see a promise come true.  That is a new experience for me.

We had a great week in a things-are-going-well sort of way.  Nobody won the lottery, we made some progress and had a few boo-boos.  While meeting with Charlie and Mike at the mall this morning, I brought up how in the past a feeling of success would be so disconcerting that I would need to do some self-destructive equivalent of putting my hand on a hot stove just to change the way I feel—not for the better, just to quickly change the way I felt.  A feeling of contentment and success used to be strange, uncomfortable and scary for me.  Today I noticed that sensation and acted on it by not going swimming.  That is a lot less self-destructive than how it used to be.  Fantastic progress, definitely not perfection.

I secretary a beginner’s meeting at the Alano Club on Friday mornings.  Normally I read the Daily Reflections aloud, share my thoughts and open the meeting.  Today I read the Reflection, read two paragraphs from The Language of the Heart on the 11^th step written by Bill W and then opened the meeting.  At the end of the meeting, I was compelled to share a summary of our last year and where we are now.

When I was a young man, I had a dog that I would leave outside & alone for 5 days at a time while I worked logging at Mt St Helen's.   He was a giant Irish Wolfhound and plenty capable of fending for himself with a large bucket of dog food to last him all week.  Being responsible for helping others is a completely new experience for me. I have never been married, had children or even ever spent time around children.  I could barely take care of myself.

Today I get to help others make infinitely healthier choices in their lives.  Now a bad decision is to skip a swim session after having swam five times already this week.

I am grateful for the miracles of progress in my life including my sobriety, Lea and Michelle’s sobriety, good friends, being able to pay my bills, a good albeit geographically  distant relationship  with my sister, and being able to celebrate Thanksgiving two weeks early during November which is gratitude month in AA.  Happy Birthday Karen!

Ambiguity and the Veterinarian

For the first time in my life, today I took one of my pets to the vet.  Jenny had a dozen small weird bumps on her throat and a few others scattered around her body.  The vet did not know the source of the bumps.  She projected that there were from an allergy to some new material in our apartment.  That was ambiguous.  She gave Jenny a shot that will turn off her allergic reactions for six weeks.  Hopefully that will give enough time for whatever mysterious allergen that might be to go away.

I am much more capable of handling ambiguity in my life these days than how it used to be.  I will hope for the best, throw out a nice big scratching post that Lea found by the dumpster and see what happens in 6 weeks.  Bug has a few similar bumps.  Hopefully those will go away on their own.

I am grateful that my cats are reasonably okay and that I am much better at dealing with ambiguity.  Lea did a fantastic job of holding Jenny while the vet examined her.  The vet, Dr Debbie Wallingford, had a fantastic bed side manner and was great with both Jenny and us.

A Choice of Veterinarians

My cats have some sort of skin condition with lots of bumps on Jenny and a few on Bug.  Fortunately, they are not in pain from this issue.  Michelle tried to put Jenny in a cat carrier to take her to the vet.  Jenny wasn’t having it.  Michelle learned why holding cats by the scruff of the neck is best before making them do something cats don’t want to do.

After that, Jenny was not about to let herself be caught again to make our appointment with the vet.  I canceled for today by vmail when nobody answered.  I will reschedule another appointment ASAP.  This will be my first trip to the vet since I got Jenny 7 years ago.  I have been blessed with healthy cats until now. 

I am grateful for a half-dozen different veterinarian offices in Bellevue. The one I chose specializes in cats and dogs.  I am hopeful that their condition can be readily treated with inexpensive drugs.  More will be revealed.

Bellevue Library + KCLS + Large Print Books + Computer Classes

Drove Lea and Michelle to the Bellevue Downtown Library for their 3^rd computer class in two weeks.  Tonight’s class was on using the web.  They said the excellent female volunteer instructor was had a background was as a self-made career network professional.   They were inspired by her career story.

I waited for them by re-checking out Awakening Joy, searching the stacks for another book in the 158 section (personal improvement) of the stacks, scanning the large print section for a few favorite authors and reading a cheesy Robert Parker Spenser book.  Parker writes great dialogue.  His novels are more like short stories that read quickly.  I was half-down by the time the girls came to get me.

I am grateful for the new parking structure at the library (it used to have the craziest parking lot Bellevue even Whole Foods), large print books, helpful librarians, free computer classes and a quiet place to read while waiting for my friends.

Nature or Nurture?

Michelle and I went to a step study discussion meeting tonight on the 4^th step after I went swimming.  The meeting was nearing the end by the time I got there.  The discussion was on whether individuals had gotten their alcoholism from ethnic heritage or via their childhood experiences.  I was puzzled by the discussion.  I asked, “Nature or nurture, what does it matter?”  The solution is still the same 12 steps.  Nobody even tried to explain why the source/cause of the disease mattered.  Not everybody understood my question.

I am grateful that I am much more focused on the solution these days than stuck in trying to identify the possibly meaningless source of the problem.  Also, it was a good swim with 15 minutes of a crawl stroke followed by counting 000 strokes of my greatly modified breast and back strokes as both a workout and exercise in counting meditation.

Two PCs

I write my posts in MS Word on the PC in my living room.  Michelle is watching a movie on that PC.  I use a PC in my bedroom to drive my 58" TV.  It is not so great for typing with a wireless keyboard in my lap, but good enough for short gratitude blog post.

I am grateful for the internet, TCP/IP ethernet, downloadable movies, my giant monitor/TV and for having two fast PCs.

Economic Security

I get a state run workmen’s compensation pension from being paralyzed at work 32 years ago.  It is not enough to make me rich or even an average wage for white men my age & education in America.  It is good enough to live on with a decent safe apartment in Bellevue while helping others that are far less fortunate. 

While I am sure I could spend a good size fortune if I had one, what I have is good enough for my needs with a modest amount of budget control.  There are 50 million people living in poverty in America.  I am grateful to not be one of them.

Jerry Pournelle has been a NASA scientist, sci-fi writer, and PC technology journalist.  He wrote one of my favorite quotes from 20+ years ago:  “The poor are what the rich use to scare the middle class into working”.    

I am grateful to be living securely above the poverty line and not be overwhelmed by fear of economic insecurity.

A Routine Day

Did the usual Friday today.  Read some AA literature including the 11^th step from the big book, went to the clinic, got some pastries for the AM Reflections meeting at which I am the Friday morning secretary, went to the mall to meet with Charlie and Mike, home for lunch and a nap, an evening swim, a sandwich for dinner and now it is time for some TV watching.  A slight twist on the day is that Lea meet with her temporary sponsor Margie at the mall.

I have worked hard this year on develop healthy daily routines.  These routines have worked incredibly well for me.  At most, I now have to figure out what time to go swimming compared how it used to be agonizing over whether to go to a meeting, then what meeting and time to go, whether or not to meet with others, and hoping that I had meditated in the morning.

I am grateful for the many healthy routines and habits in my life.   It is a lot easier to go do the next indicated thing when it is mapped out for me every day on a calendar instead of another day of “spontaneous” (read “chaotic”) activities hoping that I will get better.  I know these routines work for me.

The Girls Went Back to School!

Lea and Michelle went to Bellevue College’s weekly orientation today.   They immediately qualify for free tuition and books for short programs that last a quarter or two targeted towards getting the jobless back to work.  With a bit more paperwork, they could get free tuition for academic programs.  The Metro 271 bus stops a block from our apartment and runs right to the BC campus making for simple transportation logistics.

Lea helped a member from our 9:30 morning meeting by going with him for support while he got a medical procedure.  It was great to see her reaching to help another alcoholic.  After the orientation, we gave Joey a ride back to the Alano Club.

I am grateful to be able to help and watch others make progress in their lives.  Greg is going to join Charlie, Mike and I at the mall tomorrow.

Let Go and Let God

. . . praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.  12x12, p. 96

When I "Let Go and Let God," I think more clearly and wisely. Without having to think about it, I quickly let go of things that cause me immediate pain and discomfort. Because I find it hard to let go of the kind of worrisome thoughts and attitudes that cause me immense anguish, all I need do during those times is allow God, as I understand Him, to release them for me, and then and there, I let go of the thoughts, memories and attitudes that are troubling me.

When I receive help from God, as I understand Him, I can live my life one day at a time and handle whatever challenges that come my way. Only then can I live a life of victory over alcohol, in comfortable sobriety.

For years in recovery, I used to do a thought experiment with my god consciousness.  Some days I would turn my worries over to god as best I could while going about my day.  Other days I would do all my own worrying (I had a lot of practice and was presumably good at doing my own worrying).  Invariably, the days which I turned my worries over to god and did the next indicated thing always went better than the days I wasted doing my own worrying without god.  I no longer do that experiment. 

Now I turn my worries over to god as best I can and simply do the next indicated thing.  Many would call that being mindful or living in the moment.  Whatever it is called, it works a LOT better for me to live like that.

I am grateful for resources that teach me how to live in the present moment.  I feel better, get a lot more done and am much happier.

My Sister Karen

Our mother is getting taken to the cleanings by her broker, Robert Zorich, at Morgan Stanley.  She has dementia and can’t remember what she said from one minute to the next—a much less than ideal skill-set for day-trading in the stock market.  Nonetheless, Zorich is churning her account to the tune of 20,000 dollars in brokerage fees this year.  She is nowhere near close to breaking even with the stock market, much less coming out ahead.

My sister arranged to have our mother flown due to Sydney, Australia from Bellevue/Seattle, meet her in Sydney and then fly with her to my sister’s home in NE Australia near Cairns.  It was a lot of effort on my sister’s part.  Financial predators are clearly after our mother’s money.  Someone talked her into cashing out a $100,000 CD and putting the cash into her checking account.  Which was followed shortly thereafter by a check made out to “customer service” for $3000.  Nobody has been able to explain where that money went.  Our mother has a lawyer, Ladd Leavins, with power of attorney to oversee her financial transactions.  He was recommended to her by Zorich.  Leavins has refused to investigate who cashed the $3000 check.

I can’t deal with my mother even though she only lives 3 miles away.  Every time I have talked with her in the last 15 years, I have immediately self-medicated by smoking crack cocaine.  It is not worth the risking my life to try to help a woman that refuses to be helped by her children.

As expected, my sister had a tough time dealing with our mother.  I am proud of my sister for having stepped-up as much as she did to try to help protect our mother from herself and other financial predators.  Last year, we tried to get our mother a Guardian Ad Litem.  That was a painful expensive lesson in why we don’t talk with our mother.  I was out smoking crack for eight months. (I am a drug addict and that is how we handle too much pain when lacking in enough recovery).

Our family has been torn up by alcoholism, suicide and abusive behaviors.  I wish many things were different than how they are.  My recovery is contingent on a daily reprieve while I learn how to live life on life’s terms.  When I am mindful and in the moment, my life is always good enough if not even pretty good or better.

I am grateful for all my sister has done to help those who got lost in our family including me, our mother, and her step-sons’ Dan and Doug.  Dan, Doug and I would likely be dead by now without her love, guidance and support.   We would undoubtedly be far worse off than we are.  Karen, thank you for all you have done for so many of us.  We literally owe you are very lives.  It is Karen's birthday this month.  An example of her thoughtfulness towards others is that her birthday present from me is going to be a new coat for Dan.

A Good Day

Today was a good version of the usual Monday routine.  I am lacking motivation to write much more than that.

I am grateful for friends, meetings, swimming, lunch with Sandy and more.

On The Bus…Again

I have a friend that works as a contract civil engineer wherever he can find a job.  I am sure he does great work.  Unfortunately, he keeps relapsing on crack.  The intervals between relapses got up to a couple of years and are now measured in weeks or months.   I would guess he makes something close to $100k/year (when he works).  Nonetheless, he called me early this morning after two weeks with no contact to ask for a Greyhound bus ticket home from the Midwest.  I won’t send him cash, but did buy him a bus ticket.

He is 3 hours deep in a 36-hour bus ride to Seattle.  This is maybe the 4^th bus ticket home I have bought for him.  He pays me back in a month or two.  His relapses are incredibly painful and not even close to being fun while they last, much less while enduring the acute stages of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.  It is a great chance for me to practice being a supportive non-judgmental friend.  It is tough to watch my friend do this to himself.  He is a high risk for suicide and cannot get this 800 pound gorilla off his back.  His pain does help keep me sober.

I am grateful for my sobriety today and for being able to be a better friend to others than I ever was before in my life.

Cleaning Up Relational Messes Promptly

I was in a cranky mood today over some missing kitchen utensils.  Then I went swimming and did not have my swim paddles and goggles after Lea told me she put them in the swim bag last night.  I was half-filled with self-righteous anger and resentment.  I was even more annoyed when the gear could not be found when I got home.  Then we had a spat after my having gone to the pool and not swimming due to a lack of gear (or laziness?). 

I knew I did not either of us to spend the day being angry with ourselves, the world or each other.  The swim gear had been left at the pool and was at the desk.  I will get it tomorrow.   I made amends and the healing began to reduce the wound of negativity.  Then the kitchen utensils turned up after Michelle made yet another search of the kitchen.

I tried using my tools to get back to living mindfully in the moment.  My mind kept getting sucked back into self-righteous anger about all I had done “for them” and my property being abused, discarded or destroyed by those I am trying to help with seemingly little respect for what little I do have.  There is a history of this happening…especially to the damage I did to my father’s property as an thoughtless insensitive angry-at-the-world teenager.  While my behavior was not perfect, there is great progress in my getting to the amends in near real-time instead of a geologic time scale.  There was much less damage and much more healthy time in my own mind today thanks my increasing emotional intelligence and desire to have joy in my life.

I am grateful for my increased emotional intelligence that allows me to escape the pitfalls of my own best thinking that wants to fuel the flames of my self-righteous anger and indignation. 

Keeping Optimism Afloat

The other Steps can keep most of us sober and some- how functioning. But Step Eleven can keep us growing, . . .THE LANGUAGE OF THE HEART, p. 240

A sober alcoholic finds it much easier to be optimistic about life. Optimism is the natural result of my finding myself gradually able to make the best, rather than the worst, of each situation. As my physical sobriety continues, I come out of the fog, gain a clearer perspective and am better able to determine what courses of action to take. As vital as physical sobriety is, I can achieve a greater potential for myself by developing an ever-increasing willingness to avail myself of the guidance and direction of a Higher Power. My ability to do so comes from my learning-and practicing-the principles of the A.A. program. The melding of my physical and spiritual sobriety produces the substance of a more positive life.  From the book Daily Reflections  November 2^nd.

My emotional intelligence has vastly improved this year.  While talking with my doctor of eight years yesterday, she told me that I was more mature than how I used to be.  There was no denying that medical opinion!  I am more mature and much more available to be in relationship with myself and with others.

I am grateful for my increased emotional intelligence, maturity, and for evolving into becoming the kind and loving Kevin that I was always meant to be.